Puppetmaster (1989)

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puppetmaser0220 horror movies for $5; what could possibly go wrong?  Part XV.

I guess a better man would have watched Amazon’s $4.71 DVD which has all 9 Puppetmaster films on it.  Thank God that ain’t me.

Puppetmaster (no The) immediately gets off to a good start.  It has a bouncy score that seems perfect for the puppetmaster’s workshop, but also maintains a dreamy slightly dark and dangerous vibe.

The fun-meter takes a dip when the first face we see is William Hickey who can be incredibly grating.  He is working in the Bodega Bay Inn in 1939, on his puppets, which already show signs of life.

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Blade

We get a nice low-level puppet-POV tracking shot as one of his creations returns to his hotel to warn him that  Nazis were looking for him.  Much like Gingerdead Man, he seems to be able to roam around with impunity, none of the hotel guests noticing this 15 inch freak running around.  At least GD Man could turn 90 degrees, and be only 1/4 inch thick.  I don’t know what the puppet’s secret is.  Just before the Nazis bust in, Hickey hides his puppets in a secret compartment and kills himself.

Back in the present day, or at least 1989, professor Paul LeMat is having visions.  Although, being a professor at Yale, his grasp of reality was already tenuous at best.  Elsewhere, a carnival fortune-teller also begins experiencing visions.  Actually, she has a vision sitting right in front of her in the form of the lovely Barbara Crampton.  It is actually a pretty funny scene, well played by both.  Her mullet-headed boy-friend doesn’t contribute much, but the girls are great.  In a research lab, a Peter Stormare doppleganger and his hot assistant both get the visions.

Neil Gallagher has been researching Egyptian methods of giving life to inanimate objects.   His psychic outreach has summoned all of these people to the Bodega Inn where Hickey did his original puppet animation.  When they get there, he is already dead and they are welcomed by his wife Megan.    The puppets then begin picking off the psychics.

When Paul LeMat figures out what is going on, it turns out that Neil was only mostly dead, and has used the Egyptian secrets to give himself eternal life.  Two problems with that: I don’t see any ancient Egyptians walking around today, and he’ll be dead in a few minutes.

In the course of giving the standard Goldfinger / 007 exposition speech, he tosses aside one of the puppets.  That’s all it takes to drive them into a murderous rage.  Well, they were already killers, this just put a target on Gallagher’s ankles.

The puppets are excellent.  There is a cheese factor, but it only adds to the movie’s charms.  The transfer is so terrible on the disk, that screen-caps do not do them justice.  Google Tunneler, Pinhead, Jester and Leech Woman to see the great designs.

The human cast does not equal their wooden co-stars.  Paul LeMat always seems like a good guy, but he’s not much of an actor.  He has only one IMDb credit in the last 10 years, so I hope he is doing well.  Neil Gallagher’s wife who is set up to carry on the tradition in the sequel (but does not) is terribly miscast, having no screen presence at all.  not-Stormare just distracted me with his resemblance.  And I kept thinking that his assistant, while certainly cute, should have been played by Barbara Crampton.  Hickey’s role is small enough that he is tolerable.

2014-08-17_04-25-54xThe stand-out for me was Irene Miracle as Dana the fortune telling psychic.  Her scene with Crampton was charming, and she was intriguing throughout the film.  10 years before Puppetmaster, she won a Golden Globe for New Star of the Year in Midnight Express.  No idea how her career got derailed, but she deserved better — no IMDb credits after 1997.

Post-Post:

  • I was disappointed to find I misread IMDb and Megan Gallagher was a character name, not the hot 80’s actress.
  • I see Paul LeMat has a few books available at Amazon.  Not many reviews, but suspiciously, every review is 5 stars.
  • Shockingly, he won 2 Golden Globes.  One was for New Star of the Year, same as Irene Miracle’s award.  This award must be like the Sports Illustrated Curse.  It was retired in 1983.
  • Story credit to Charles Band who was a producer on the Gingerdead Man movies.  He also directed Trancers, making him the 1st 3-peater in this ignominious collection.  On the plus side, he directed the movie with the best title in history, Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn.

Night Gallery – The Dead Man (S1E1)

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ngdeadman02Dr. Max Redford has invited his colleague Dr. Miles Talmadge to his private sanitarium to see the only patient he has there.  Dr. T sees a very healthy young man who appears to just be asleep.  He turns to speak to Dr. R about the man.  When he turns back, the man has become very sickly, emaciated.  Dr. R tells him to take another look whereupon the patient is healthy again.  The shenanigans continue through a couple more iterations before the patient, John Fearing, jumps up and introduces himself to Dr. T.

Redford has discovered that Fearing has the world’s worst / best case of psychosomatic illness.  By giving him suggestions under hypnosis, Redford can cause the symptoms of any sickness to manifest in Fearing’s body.

No, and you can’t make me.

It is not clear what the market is for this ability.  Although duplicating certain side effects of E.D medications might provide 4 hours of entertainment.

That evening at dinner, it is clear that Fearing and Redford’s wife Velia (consistently written as Velda in the CC) are infatuated with each other.  Redford recognizes this, but prizes his research too much to boot Fearing out of his house.  So just as in the atrocious Three’s a Crowd, we have a husband who is allowing his wife to be swept away as he stands by and watches.

The next day, Redford shows off his new trick, producing the symptoms of death in Fearing — no pulse or breath.  Again, not sure what the market is for this skill.  When he tries to revive Fearing, he discovers he isn’t only mostly dead — this guy is stone cold dead.

Redford is truly remorseful and gathers a team to revive Fearing.  But he is too dead.  Velia is distraught.

ngdeadman03Some time later, Dr. Talmadge discovers what went wrong.  Redford was using the wrong post-hypnotic suggestion to revive Fearing.  Velia overhears and rushes to the graveyard to try out the new signal.

It plays out as a Tales from the Crypt but without the humor — just like Three’s a Crowd.  Unlike that turd, however, this episode works.  The actors inhabit their roles perfectly.  And these were solid 1960’s actors who probably had a stogie and glass of scotch just out of the frame.  Louise Sorel as Velia is a little over the top, but maybe the episode needed that juice.

In all, nothing very original, but very well done.

Post-Post:

  • For some reason, it took NBC a year after the pilot aired to get this episode on the air.
  • Twilight Zone Legacy:  Co-Writer & Co-Director Douglas Heyes directed 9 TZ’s, 2nd most of anyone.  Despite a long writing career, he had no TZ scripts filmed.
  • Based on the short story by Fritz Leiber, Jr.

Escape (2012)

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“Norway 1363.  Ten years have passed since the Black Death killed half the population .  The land is barren and the lawlessness is raging.”

So wait, this isn’t Escape: The Musical?

Signe and her brother — don’t get too attached — are in a wagon being pulled by one horse with their parents along side on foot.  While stopped for some grub — probably literally grub — Pa is teaching the kids to shoot a bow.  The boy does OK, but Signe lacks patience.  I’d love to say this was testing my patience as well, but there is something immediately captivating about the setting, the family and the score (little bit of a Dances with Wolves thing going on).

Four minutes in, the family is attacked by 14th century gangstas busting arrows & axes in their ass, caps having hot yet been invented.  Signe, being maybe 15, has some value, so is spared.  The gang is led by a woman, Dagmar, who wants to use her to create a little sister for another young girl they’ve adopted (i.e. also murdered her parents).  The men in her crew support this concept too, but maybe for a different reason.

escape03The other little girl, with the unlikely name Frigg, sneaks some water to Signe who the gang has chained in camp.  Dagmar catches her and threatens to make her cut off one of Signe’s fingers.  The next morning Frigg shows up with a knife, and not only doesn’t cut off a finger, she lets Signe go.

The two homely, homely girls escape the camp and the gangstas take off after them through the woods.  From this point on, it is really just a chase with the girls picking off their pursuers.  But that’s enough.

escape04The girls aren’t Rambo.  There is no crazy kung fu wire-work.  There are no elaborate traps set.  When Signe attacks a man who has 100 pounds on her, she is just as ineffectual as you would expect in reality.  They just use their wits, and take advantage of situations.  Their drab looks and clothing lend a credibility to the scenes as does the use of the woods and rivers.

It would be tough for a story to get much simpler than this and still have images moving around on the screen.  Signe looks a little like Jennifer Lawrence, but this is no Hunger games; no fancy story, just a simple, picturesque thriller.  The girls are both great.  Of the cast, Dagmar could have benefited most from a deeper characterization, but that would be a different movie.  In short, everything on the screen works, and I didn’t miss anything that was not in there.  And at 78 minutes with about 6 minutes of credits, it never lags. escape05Highly recommended.

Post-Post:

  • Original title in Norway: Flukt.  Starring Frigg.
  • Signe by Eric Clapton.

Tales from the Crypt – Three’s a Crowd (S2E5)

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What is this shit? asks the most famous review in rock history.  I know the feeling.

I dubbed the previous episode “the one where they just gave up” and this entry proves me right. The big name directors are gone, the famous actors are gone, it’s as if they turned the show over to a crew that had never seen it before.  Where is the camp?  Where is the humor?  Where is the bold color palette?  All that’s left to signify TFTC is that odious Crypt Keeper.

This episode is a somber chore to watch.  Richard and Della’s marriage is on the rocks.  It seems mostly due to Richard’s passivity, insecurity, depression, career problems, and inability to get Della pregnant.  Della is no prize either as she seems much more alive whenever their friend Alan is around, and makes no secret of it.

They go out for a cruise on Alan’s yacht, and are are on an anniversary vacation paid for by Alan.  Della sees this as a generous gift from a successful old friend, but Richard thinks Alan is rubbing his wealth in his face and trying to steal Della.

tftcthrees06Richard is certainly given every reason to worry about Della leaving him for Alan.  Clearly Alan is an exponentially better catch.  He is also constantly flirting with Della, jokingly grabbing her thigh, kissing her, having conversations clearly not meant for Richard’s ears.

This is in no way a Tales From the Crypt episode until the last few seconds which are painfully predictable.

tftcthrees05Richard’s performance is dreadful.  We really don’t give a damn about him and it is torture to watch him on screen.  The rest of the cast is OK, but saddled with other problems.

The script, which doesn’t play fair,  took three writers, two of whom have zero other screenplay credits.  The third writer, who is also the director, must shoulder the blame.  The unimaginative script, gooey with the oppressive melodrama of Lifetime at its worst, and set to a plodding score is just deadly.

This is shit.  There is not a single episode of Ray Bradbury Theater or a single film in the $5 20 movie box set that I would not watch again before this excrement.

I rate it zero out of three.

Post-Post:

  • Director David Burton Morris had a weird 1999 directing both The Sonny and Cher Story and The Partridge Family Story.
  • IMDbs: A new category in which I question the validity of IMDb’s ratings.  This episode is rated 5th best of season 2?  I call BS.

Alien Abduction (2014)

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alienabduction01The following is leaked footage from the US Airforce.

This film had one strike going in — the horribly generic title.  And another strike just a few seconds in as they misspelled US Air Force.  They pulled it out, though, with a home run . . . ummm in the park . . . maybe on an error.

The film starts out in an alien ship with the found-footage camera being tossed out a garbage chute.

Then we truly begin with some allegedly true accounts of the Brown Mountain Lights including mysterious lights, creatures, abductions, and certain anti-gravity antics reported by a woman who would have really stress-tested the technology.

The Morris family is going camping at Brown Mountain.  It is refreshing that they are not all assholes as is typically the case.  Mom and Dad are there with kids Corey and Jillian. Younger son Riley is autistic which is used as an excuse to have him hold on to that camera like grim death.  He is pretty chatty for an autistic kid — it seems to come and go.  Maybe it’s that 24 hour autism.

As the gals and the guys are setting up the tents, naturally the woman finish before the men figure theirs out because mens are stoopid.  It still has not occurred to Hollywood that this same constant joke is actually patronizing to women.  At least they let a man make the fire.  With a barbecue grill lighter.

alienabduction03That night, after some strange flashes of light that illuminate the tents, they go outside and see the famous Brown Mountain Lights.  At first it is just 3 lights forming a triangle. Then they slowly move around, and zip away very quickly.

The next day, back in the mini-van, the GPS predictably goes out as they travel on back-roads.  They run low on gas because Dad was too stoopid to fill the tank, but do make it to a tunnel which contains several abandoned cars randomly scattered on the road.  Doors are open and toys, baby seats, CDs, and broken seat belts ominously litter the road.

The cars all seem recently er, abandoned.  They are just sitting there empty and fueled up for the taking, but Dad decides to explore the tunnel instead.  There is even a police car there with a radio blaring, but no time for that.

There is a very chilling incident in the tunnel which I will not spoil.  The lights, editing, and sound design actually sent chills through me.  You can bitch about Riley continuing to film, but would you rather not see anything?  Shut up.

The survivors get back in the van and tear out for the 50 yards the gas lasts them, then hoof it on foot.  They go up a dirt driveway that they had noticed on the way in.  Up until this point, I would rate this film as excellent.  However, the redneck who lives down the lane is the weak link in the film.

Sean greets them in his front yard with a rifle.  Its not like he’s moon-shining and these are revenuers — he just seems to be acting like an asshole.  He has the standard over-the-top southern accent, camo, trucker cap, manly-man beard and butt dangling from his mouth as he takes aim at them.  Like all movie hicks, he lives with his brother.  Shockingly, the script does not have him request anyone to squeal like a pig.

Once he sees what they are up against, he does take them in.  Luckily Sean does prove to have some good survival instincts.  He cleverly realizes that the police car in the tunnel will be the object of a huge search, and strings cans around his property to act as alarms.  That night, Sean’s place is flooded with light as the aliens attack.  Tragically, their galaxy-hopping technology enabled them to outwit the tin can strategy.

alienabduction06Sean is able to find his brother’s empty truck.  He is taking the survivors — which are now fewer in number — to town.  Once again, they see the bright lights.  Sean gives them direction to a barn to hide in.  A couple more are taken in the standard Fire in the Sky bright light tractor beam — but now with back breakage!

After a minute of credits, there is an utterly unnecessary epilogue.  But it does break up the 11 minutes of credits.  As always, I applaud them for not padding out the movie.

Other than Sean’s caricature of Hollywood’s perception of a southerner, this is a very good, efficient, chilling film.  Everyone else is great in their roles, it it moves at a perfect pace, and has some good scares.  Special kudos to the sound design which is literally chilling.

Highly recommended.

Post-Post:

  • Wouldn’t The Brown Mountain Abductions have been a more obvious and much more interesting choice of title?
  • The “actual” Lights have an official site featuring a clip which should embarrass The National Geographic Channel.  The Travel Channel also has a clip but I’ll be damned if I’ll sit through a 30-second commercial to see it.
  • For an opposing view: Skeptoid.
  • Is it even possible to have an in-the-park home run that does not include an error?
  • What kind of asshole does this to the rocks?  That’s who ought to be abducted and have their back broken.  You know, after a trial.

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