Suspense — Collector’s Item (09/13/49)

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I watched the uncut LOTR: Return of the King at Alamo Drafthouse in January.  It was over 4 hours long and felt shorter than this episode.  So did January.

Customer Marty is buying a vinyl record for $.75 which is shocking because, I half-expected a wax cylinder.  The elderly record shop owner, Mr. Brockman [1] tells his clerk Fred that he is just the young fella to take over the shop.  He then goes to get a haircut.

A shifty-looking guy enters the shop wearing a fedora and 1940’s suit, but I guess that wasn’t really suspicious in 1949.  Fred profiles him as a Beethoven fan, providing the 2nd consecutive shout-out on this blog and, shockingly, neither refer to the dog.   

The man — Mr. Evans — asks Fred when he gets off work.  He gives Fred a wad of cash and his room number at the Griffin Hotel, and tells him to show up as soon as possible.  He says he really needs Fred’s help.  It is hard to believe there was once a more innocent time when this scene would not be viewed as squirmy as it seems now.

The shop’s upstairs neighbor comes down to complain about the noise from this awful TV show.  She threatens to call the cops and leaves.  Brockman comes back early because the barber was busy.  Hey, it’s 1949 — just wear a hat!  Fred is a good egg — he is genuinely worried about Mr. Evans, so goes to the hotel to make sure he is OK.

In the small hotel room there are several people, including a dame named Millie, his customer Marty, several gangstas, and Mr. Evans. 

They grill Fred about what Evans invited him over for.  Fred finally notices Mr. Evans is also there, covered in blood.  His final words are a warning to Marty, “3-3 drums”.

Fred awakens alone to find Evans dead.  Millie returns and warns him that the gang is trying to frame him.  The police show up, so Millie and Fred escape to a diner.  Millie says they were torturing Evans for government secrets and taking a $12 Snickers from the mini-fridge.  Fred concludes it must have had something to do with the records.

They return to the shop where the neighbor is trying to lure Brockman upstairs for a nightcap, perhaps to cover his unkempt hair.  Fred deduces that Evans was referring to a Drums album.  Fred discovers that played at 78 rpm [2], the record sounds like drums, but played at 33 1/3 rpm, it recites the nuclear launch codes!  And played at 45 rpm, it sounds like REM. [3]  

Brockman is in on it.  Evans was a G-man.   A cop shows up in response to the neighbor’s noise complaint and hauls them all in.

A pretty sad showing for Suspense this week.  At its relative best, the series is archaic and simplistic.  This was just too much, or maybe too little.  The story was LP-thin, the twist was Ludacris, and the background music muffled the dialogue.  Most of the episodes so far at least tried to manufacture some suspense, but this was just very ♭.

I rate it 16 rpm. [4]

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  Julian Noa (Brockman) was born in 1879, before phonograph records were invented.  Lon McCallister (Fred) died in 2005, so mostly outlived records.  
  • [2]  Most of the records in the shop would have been 78’s.  They had only started being replaced by 33 1/3’s in 1948.
  • [3]  The fastest song I could think of.  Would also have accepted Flight of the Bumble Bee or Life is a Rock.  That one is fun because you get excited when you can actually make out a couple of words — like with Bob Dylan in concert.  BTW, I know 78 rpm is faster than 45 rpm, but it’s getting late.
  • [4]  16 rpm was an actual standard that was an option on record-players of the day.  Music historians believe it was a brief effort to silence the insufferable Miles Davis which failed (i.e. you could still hear the caterwauling [5] ).  Scientists and humanitarians eventually found a solution in the 0 rpm format.  

[5]  Technically hep-caterwauling, I guess.

Tales of the Unexpected — My Lady, My Dove (04/19/80)

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Ach du Lieber! Sometime during my brief time away, TOTU disappeared from Amazon Prime. So I skimmed this episode on DailyMotion last night to see what I had to look forward to. When I went back tonight, it was gone from DailyMotion too. However, it is still on You Tube. With any luck, it will now disappear from You Tube — because it looks dreadful.

Arthur Beauchamp is lounging comfortably on his couch enjoying a fifth. [1]  Sadly, it is of Beethoven, not liquor.  Pamela unplugs his headphones which are quaintly enormous and tethered to his stereo.  For a couple of seconds, we are treated to the mellifluous, melodious sounds of the orchestra.  Then Pamela speaks in a raspy, cringe-inducing smoker’s voice that could peel the wallpaper off a grape. [6]

On the plus side, they have a pretty good exchange:

“I’m listening to Beethoven “

“Wrong, you’re listening to me!”

The overbearing older woman says she has an idea.  Roald Dahl’s intro informed us she that she has all the money in the marriage and Arthur is a kept man. This dominance is clear from the first frame as she obnoxiously bosses Arthur around. If she joined the cast of The Golden girls, Bea Arthur would be the hot one. [2]

Pamela chastises him for not being grateful for her large ass largesse. [3] She says “not many people sit around listening to Beethoven in the middle of the afternoon.” Least of all, Mrs. Beethoven, I imagine.

She threatens him with cutting off his allowance and making him get a job.  He reminds her that he brings her breakfast in bed on the maid’s day off.  But she really just wants to be listened-to.

Pamela is bored.  She is only interested in the couple — the Snapes — that will be visiting them this weekend.  Well, not interested in them, but they are great competitors at Bridge.  She has come up with an idea to make the evening exciting after the Bridge game.  Thank God, being English, it is not an orgy.  

After making Arthur guess, Pamela reveals her idea: To listen . . . a first for her.  She instructs Arthur to put a microphone in their guest bedroom.  He is, still being English, mortified — and that is BEFORE she told him her plan.  They argue in a frankly too-long scene.  She finally wins him over by saying, “I’ll tell you where I hid the feather-duster” which just baffles me.

The Snapes show up just as Arthur is finishing wiring up the microphone and speaker.  I agree with Arthur’s initial reaction — this is an appalling violation of their privacy!  Hmmm . . . OTOH Sally Snapes is about 30 years younger than Pamela.  Can we maybe get some video on this thing?

They have a good game and knock off around 11:00.  Arthur and Pamela run giddily upstairs to listen in on their young, sexually-viable guests.  It has taken 3/4 of the runtime to get to this point.  I’ll sum up the last 1/4 in one sentence: The Snapes were cheating at cards.  That’s it — no murder, no aliens.  The first time I watched this, I was gob-smacked at how the episode just stopped.  It seemed like the most anti-climactic ending since Conclave. [4] 

Three things getting back to this blog reminded me:  1) It isn’t always about a surprise ending (aka the “Ray Bradbury Theory theater Theater theory” conjecture) [5], 2) My first impulse is usually wrong (aka the “just put on the f***ing condom” proposition), and 3) WordPress Blocks is the worst software innovation in the history of computing.  Why oh why didn’t I follow Danica to Go Daddy! 

So now that the dust has settled, here is the truth:  This was a another good TOTU episode.  Elaine Stritch is indeed immediately annoying, but dang if she does not win you over quickly with her energy and sharp delivery.  Arthur is likeable, and the Snapes have some fine moments.  I feel like the 6 minutes that I impulsively reduced to one sentence did not exploit the sexual misdirect as well as it could have.  However, they did it in their own way and moved on to their marital dysfunction and card-counting technique. 

Treating the reveal as a shock or twist just deflates a pretty good production.  It is a lesson that will stay with me for minutes.  Well played!

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  Never really thought about it until now, so I looked it up. You never hear “a fifth” of liquor referred to anymore unless it is in a joke or whatever that was above. It refers to 750 ML which is about a fifth of a gallon. BTW, it is labeled as “750 ML” because “26 Ounces” would make you realize how absurdly expensive this rotgut is.
  • [2]  OK, there are 3 other GGs, but I don’t even want to think about it.
  • [3]  Actually, she is in pretty good shape.
  • [4]  Also no murder, no aliens.
  • [5]  “Ray Bradbury Theory theater Theater theory” might be the hardest tongue-twister in history.  After a fifth, I mean.
  • [6]  I wanted to see if I had coined a totally unique new phrase.  MS Copilot chastised me:  “The request to ‘peel the wallpaper off a grape’ is nonsensical. Grapes do not have wallpaper and cannot be peeled in the same way.”  Gee, thanks AI!  Ooooh, I’m so scared of you!
  • Elaine Stritch was last seen in William & Mary.  30 years later she would play Alec Baldwin’s mother in 30 Rock.
  • Title Analysis:  No idea.
  • Shame on me.  Contract Bridge and I couldn’t work rubber into the post.  Also not pictured:  Full-Contact Bridge, and If You Build a Thousand Bridges . . . 

Lights Out! — Beware This Woman (12/04/50)

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Taking the place of Science Fiction Theatre is a series that I do not remember at all despite it spanning 6 years.  But then that is true of my college career also.

Famous scientist Dr. Lawson is alone in his bedroom, pumping away, when his housekeeper busts in.

Happily, we see that the cylindrical object in his hand is a tire pump.   Mrs. Abernathy chastises  him for blowing up an air mattress every night rather than an inflatable woman or, say, buying a mattress.  He claims this is a time-saver.  Note to self . . .

A young woman has come to visit him.  Mrs. Abernathy says she arrived riding a strange four-legged animal with a sharp horn.

The woman suddenly appears in Lawson’s bedroom and introduces herself as Mercy Device.  He replies, “Well, there’s not much I can do about that”.  Her name and his reply already display more wit than most shows covered here.  There might be some hope for this one.

She asks if he will spend the weekend with her at her house in Wakefield.  She assures him there will be no shenanigans, although the O’Flanagans might drop by for some backyard Camogie [1].  No, her request is due to the intrusion of a poltergeist.  Because who wants an uninvited guest suddenly appearing in their bedroom late at night, disturbing their routine?

Dr. Lawson seems to be unfamiliar with the term, or maybe he just put it out of his mind after seeing the godawful 2015 remake.  She describes it as an imp, a ghost which has fastened itself to her and gives her no peace.  Kudos for him amusingly looking her over before she tells him it is invisible.

As a man of science, he suggests that she take her story to the “fakers” at the Psychical Research Trust (PRT).  Shockingly, they only wanted to exploit her story in the media for big bucks.  After hearing their bullshit, she is appealing as a last resort to legitimate scientists for accurate, non-biased information, like the media did 5 years after COVID.  Some of the media.

He agrees to spend the weekend at her place.  She says her car is right outside, although Mrs. Abernathy still insists she arrived on some sort of horned beast.

No, it doesn’t

Upon Lawson arriving at Mercy’s place, the poltergeist immediately begins showing off.  He is subjected to flying papers, books, and dishes.  It even speaks — in a man’s voice even though Mercy had named it Caprice [insert trans reference here] [3].  After witnessing all of this evidence, Dr. Lawson breaks with his life-long distinguished academic and scientific experience and kisses a girl.

However, she has already called the “fakers” from MSNBC PRT for an alt-reality opinion.  Dr. Lawson invites an actual scientist — Dr. Pearly — to consult.  After seeing some witch-like symptoms in Mercy and learning she comes from Salem, Pearly and Lawson take a roadtrip.

Consulting the Salem County Clerk, they learn that a witch named Mercy Device was hung in 1682.  She actually still has a debt on the books.  In a law that we should revive, Mercy Device was billed for “the cost of the hanging, a new gallows, and food for the magistrate.”  Although, under the new law, I propose that we require payment in advance.

I’d like to think that bandage placed right in the middle of his forehead was an intentional bit of whimsy. It’s the first episode — a fella can dream . . .

Lawson magnanimously pays the debt, so “Caprice” disappears back to the lady poltergeists’ locker-room.  This also “cures” Mercy of being a witch, although I’m still not clear why that was such a burden on her other than riding a horned beast. [2] 

Lawson asks Mercy to marry him, and there is some 4th wall breakage:  Dr. Lawson literally closes a tiny curtain on the scene and, presumably, Mercy test-drives her new horned beast.

This series predates the antediluvian Suspense by 3 years, yet somehow seems a little fresher.  There is less of the intrusive organ.  The dialogue is snappier.  The actors are not hamming it up like they are playing to the back row of a theater.

Ironically, though, I felt like I was watching a stage production.  Like a few episodes before it, it is OK for the time, but even that is grading on one big-ass curve.

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  No, me neither.
  • [2]  Present day Mercy is not actually related to the Mercy from 1682.  When she was executed, OG Mercy cast a curse on anyone named Mercy Device.  Really?  That seems to be some crazy narrow-casting.  What were the odds anyone ever would be named that?
  • And why curse anyone with her name, anyways?  Why not cast a much larger net by using the magistrate’s name?  Bartholomew Gedney?  Oh.
  • [3]  Not an oversight — I was in a grammatical corner than I couldn’t make work at 4:55 am.  BTW, I asked MS Copilot about the name Caprice and it said the name was derived from the word caprice.  Thanks AI!  Oooh, I’m so scared of you!
  • There seems to be a lot of info missing on the series.  This appears as the very first episode on Tubi, but is listed as Season 3 Episode 15 on IMDb.
  • Veronica Lake (Mercy) was last seen in I Married a Witch.  She first appeared here in Flight Overdue.
  • Glen Denning (Lawson) did not have much of a career.  That is too bad, because he was good in this role which vaguely channeled Cary Grant in Bringing Up Baby.
  • Director Laurence Schwab had another one of those bizarre IMDb careers:  He directed 52 episodes of TV — 49 of them 1949 – 1951.
  • Oddly, there are a mere combined five other credits for writers Grace Amundson and Douglas Wood Gibson.  Compared to Suspense, Science Fiction Theatre, or Tales of Tomorrow, this was Shakespeare.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents — The Gloating Place [1] (05/16/61)

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Warning!  Warning!  Marta Kristen sighting!

Never thought about it as a kid, but how did Mrs. Robinson manage to crank out a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head? [2]

Once again, I am reminded that Hollywood knows nothing; they just get lucky once in a while.  How is it possible I have never seen Marta Kristen in anything else other than Lost in Space . . . ever?  At the very least, she should have been a Bond Girl.  No, a Triple-A Bond Girl!

As the beautiful Marjorie, she provocatively descends the staircase, oozing sexuality . . . oh wait, it is the steps of her High School, and she was 15 when this was made.  Er . . . consider future remarks to be about her Lost in Space days when she was a respectable 20 and fully dressed in Reynolds Wrap (although, with the shiny side out, the tart!).

Her friend Susan tells her to go ahead and walk home without her, that she is sticking around for a while.  We quickly see that she is hanging back to wait for high school hunk Tom.  Despite Susan being portrayed by a too-pretty actress, Tom casually dismisses her and heads straight for Marjorie.

After being mocked by less-attractive classmates, Susan takes the walk-of-shame home, unwisely taking the shortcut-of-shame through the woods.  She stops at a small lake and looks at her reflection (which would be impossible from her position, BTW).  After hearing voices telling her she is a nothing, she throws rocks at her reflection (actually, it would be the reflection of the camerman.  Acting!).  Voices tell her to make herself important.  She tears a few pieces of her clothing and goes running, screaming out of the park.

The police, not yet defunded, go to her home to question her.  Since a Democrat is not suspected, the press also arrive to ask a lot of questions.  Strangely, they are very jovial and try to get Susan to smile after her assault.  The cops take her downtown to pick the assailant out of a line-up.

After her story appears in the newspaper, she is suddenly very popular.  Even Tom elbows Marjorie aside to walk home with Susan.

Just to be clear, that is Marta on the right.  She is too beautiful even for distortion to ruin her picture.

Her fame is short-lived, however.  The next day, Susan suffers a great personal tragedy as 2 of her classmates are killed in a climbing accident.  They knock her right off the front page, and Tom goes back to Marjorie.  

BTW, the actor playing Tom is 9 years old than Marta.  I understand that there is a standard 9 – 30 year minimum age gap in TV couples, but how early does that start?  What if she was 12 — Yikes! [3]

That night, Susan calls Marjorie who, conveniently, lives on the next street over.  They meet in the alley where Susan kills her friend.

Susan goes back to the lake, holding today’s newspaper, just like our ancestors did every morning.  As she is confessing to the cameraman’s reflection, an actual strangler, matching her fabricated description, comes up behind her and strangles her.  

Kind of a lackluster outing despite Marta Kristen.  Problem #1 was that Susan, though crazy, was very attractive.  Mostly, though, the story does not hold up.  What has she really gained by killing Marjorie?  Susan craved fame and attention, but this is just going to make Marjorie more famous.  I guess she did remove the competition for Tom, and validate her police report, but those were really secondary issues.   

Her death did complete the circuit and issue a good dose of trademark AHP comeuppance, but it seemed a little simple.  I expect more from writer Robert Bloch.

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  Not to be confused with MSNBC last Monday night.
  • [2]  Same as that tramp Kate Bradley over at the Shady Rest.  Guess that was early 1960s DEI.
  • [3]  Accordingly, Marta was scouted as an early candidate to play Lolita.  
  • Susan Harrison (Susan) was the ballerina in TZ’s Five Characters in Search of an Exit.  She looks like someone current, but I can’t figure out who.
  • Creative naming conventions on this episode:  Tom plays Tom, Susan plays Susan, Eve plays Eve, and Marta plays Marjorie.  I guess Marta was too ethnic for 1961 TV.  There is an Eve (reporter) and an Eva (student).  Why why why???
  • But more about Marta:  This beauty was born in Norway to a Finn and a German.  Only in America!
  • For more critical info (i.e. pictures of Marjorie and Susan), check out Jack’s write-up at bare*bones.  Also, more info on Marta at her website.
  • The next post would be Science Fiction Theatre, but thank Gott, I finished that series.  I need a new one, preferably 30 minutes, and old enough so that most everyone involved is dead.

One Step Beyond — Doomsday (10/13/59)

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Well, yes.  Yes, John Newland, I have.  While One Step Beyond has proven to be a very good series, its repeated trips to the same tiny tract of genre real estate is a weakness.  Yes, I finally gave up on the slice of pizza metaphor.  

In 17th century Scotland — because OSB disdains the US more than a 21st century Ivy League student — the Earl of Culdane barges in demanding to see “Mr. Physician”.  Hey, he didn’t go to barber school for a fortnight and change his name to Physician to be called Mister! [1]

The doctor says, “Your son is dying, my Lord do-lang-do-lang-do-lang”. [2] The Earl is outraged, but Mr. Dr. proudly says in his defense, “I have bled the boy seven times with leach and lancet”.  Shockingly, the Earl is not convinced.  He is a man of science, so suggests it is more likely his son was bewitched by a girl in the village.

The woman, Catherine, was found dancing gleefully in a field.  Then it began to rain — a rarity that happens only about 300 times a year in the Highlands!  The prosecutor also claims to have seen her turn milk sour, and saw “imps flying in the air above her head!”  The judge has heard enough.  Despite no evidence of a crime, an accusor deranged by the death of his son, and a prosecutor on a literal witch hunt, the corrupt judge finds her guilty so that she can cast no more spells or run for President.

This was not her being sentenced to death — The Earl just told her she’d be pretty if she smiled.

As she is dragged from the courtroom, she screams that just as the Earl outlived his son, all of his decendents will also outlive their first born-sons!  Ya know, I was kind of on her side, but since this curse comes true for the next 200 years, I guess she really was a witch!  Although, like all witches, she did not make it rain when she was being burned alive.  To be fair, I guess she couldn’t dance what with being tied to the stake.

In the present day, first-born William has come to be with his father who is on his death-bed after having “an accident” on his death-futon.  The doctor says he has only an hour to live.  These cheap-ass Scots really wait until the last minute to get doctors involved.  Given the family history over the last eight generations, this obviously sends William into a panic.  He wonders how this can be possible since he is in great health and only 28 years old. [3]  He does everything right:  Sugary Dr. Peppers at 10, 2, and 4, only the best scotch kept in his office at work, driving unencumbered in the front seat of his new Corvair, and smoking 3 packs a day of doctor-recommended Lucky Strikes — they’re toasted, for God’s sake!

He refuses to take a sedative from the doctor, although does risk being swallowed whole by this enormous emasculating chair.

While he is simpering alone, his wife comes in and tells him that his father has died, breaking the curse.  Then she and the doctor roofie his drink.  Before he can drink it, however, he goes into his father’s room and sees that it was a ruse!  His father is still alive!  

This so startles William that he staggers backwards right over the balcony.  John Newland states the odds of all the son-first deaths being coincidence is a billion to one.  The odds of two dudes accidentally falling backwards to their death from an open window or balcony in back-to-back episodes on this blog is also unlikely.  However, if Alfred Hitchcock Presents pulls this crap next week (i.e. or maybe in seven months), now that will be a billion to one!

So, another well-done episode.

Other Stuff:

[1]  Wiki:  Monasteries had to train or hire a barber. They would perform bloodletting and minor surgeries, pull teeth and prepare ointments.  The Middle Ages saw a proliferation of barbers, among other medical “paraprofessionals”, including cataract couchers, herniotomists, lithotomists, midwives, and pig gelders.  Cool.

[2]  I would have gone for shoo-lang, but the internet is always right.  

[3]  The actor is actually 39.  Freak’n actors, man.

We have a new contender for oldest actor covered here.  Lumsden Hare (The Judge) was born in 1875.

Hollywood Royalty:  Donald Harron (Jamie and William) played Charlie, the KORN radio announcer, on Hee Haw.  His daughter directed American Psycho.