Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Landlady (02/21/61)

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Ahhhh . . . it’s nice to be back in a safe space after disastrous outings with Tales of the Unexpected and One Step Beyond.   You can always count on Alfred Hitchcock Presents.

Oh bloody hell!  Can’t we have a nice simple murder in America?  Just to further rub 2020 in my face, the episode stars Dean Stockwell.  He might be interesting in small doses, but he is on the Mount Rushmore of stunningly bad, but successful, actors with Elliott Gould and Bill Paxton.  Here he plays — as always — Dean Stockwell.  Even this is beyond his grasp as he is required to speak with an English accent.

The episode is somewhat redeemed when the first face we see is 77 year old Burt Mustin playing a 100 year old man as he did throughout his entire career.  Those unfamiliar with Burt might appreciate the realistic British makeup; but no, those are his real teeth.  He is given nothing to do here, but it’s always good to see Burt Mustin.[1]

Four chaps in a pub are discussing some local burglaries when Dean Stockwell comes in.  He is just off the train and orders a sandwich and beer.  When the bartender has trouble opening the register, Stockwell is able to open it with his Swiss Army Knife.  The chaps think this incriminates him as the local burglar.

Stockwell then goes to rent a room from the titular landlady.   When he signs the register, the two previous guests’ names sound familiar to him.  

Speaking of familiar names, the credits contain a couple.  The screenplay is by the great Robert Bloch.  The original short story was written by the great Roald Dahl.  The mystery of this episode is how two such esteemed writers came up with such a mediocrity. 

Reviews on multiple sites rave about the episode so, as always, I will assume I’m missing something.  It is so vacuous that I can’t even continue.

Hmm . . . written by Roald Dahl.  I wonder if it will show up on Tales of the Unexpected?  Oh my God, it’s in the house!  The TOTU adaptation of The Landlady is up next in rotation.  Given how TOTU botched the great Lamb to the Slaughter, I am not optimistic about what they will do with this.

See you tomorrow after I watch it.  And by “tomorrow”, I mean 2 weeks.

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  Just to emphasize how old he is, Wiki says he used to be a salesman for Oakland Motor Cars.  
  • His minute role here is strange given that he was already established as a character actor.  In fact, the same month this aired, he reprised his seminal role as Gus the Fireman on Leave it to Beaver for the 11th time.
  • A more positive review is available at bare*bones.

One Step Beyond – The Secret (04/21/59)

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It is immediately clear that this episode is going to be a slog.  Englishman Harrison Ackroyd comes into his wife’s bedroom and announces that their help Essie “has done something triumphal with kidneys and bacon.”  How many warning signs can you find in that sentence? [1]

Harrison has Sylvia sign some papers before he goes to work.  He warns her he will be late that evening like every Friday night while he selfishly entertains clients to pay for their sumptuous house, separate bedrooms, help, and triumphal breakfast meats.  She is left to her knitting which John Newland told us is how she spends her days.  As her husband leaves, he says, “Have a good day.”  Alone, Sylvia says to herself, “A good day.  What is a good day?”  I think she also might be sketchy on what is a good night.

She gets dolled up for a stroll down memory basement.  Essie joins her downstairs and wants to throw out some of the junk.  Sylvia does not want to get rid of anything because she lives in the past — a sweater she wore during the Occupation in Paris, her diploma from the Sorbonne, a transmitter she used to talk “across the Channel”, flags she used to welcome the Allies into Paris, and a F*** You From France T-Shirt. [4]

Essie puts aside a box that says “A game for young and old” to send to the children’s hospital.  Sylvia clutches it and says, “Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy”.  She rushes upstairs with the box and locks herself in her bedroom.  She takes a Ouija Board out of the box.  She moves the planchette around the board and moans orgasmically, “Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy . . . . I needed it so much!”.

Moses . . .

Sylvia sends Essie out late that night to buy a birthday cake because Harrison forgot her birthday again. [6]  She returns and carries it upstairs, candles ablazing.  Essie complains that she had to go to 3 shops to find enough candles.  That is not the way to get a raise.

The next morning, as she is serving breakfast, Essie tells Mr. Harrison she overheard his wife laughing it up in her bedroom and moaning the name Jeremy.  Now that’s how you get a raise.

Harrison confronts his wife, but she denies anyone was there.  He says, “Sylvia, what you do is your own affair.  Frankly I don’t mind as long as you’re clever enough to keep it that way.”  He just wants his name kept out of the newspapers, although it will be prominently featured in next month’s Cuckold Digest.

He’s not a complete cuck, however, because he hires a PI to follow his wife.  She never meets another man, but is seen talking to herself a lot.  He also has her conversations taped.  He hears her yapping on and on to Jeremy but not a word from him, which sounds about right.  Sylvia begs Jeremy to let her see him just once.  Sylvia catches Harrison listening to the tape and says, “How dare you!” [3]

. . . oh, Moses!

There is a twist, and it is a fine one that leaves you thinking.  However, the path to get there — even from this point — is so tedious that I can’t go on.  It took me a month to get this far.  The story is not the problem; it is the performances.

Once again, why are they setting another episode in England? [1] Harrison is such a proper sexless English twit that it is impossible to regard him as a human being (kind of like Charles in The Crown).  Sylvia is just insufferable with her “Moses, oh Moses!” style of acting. [2]  Newland, you are a great director, but you’ve got to restrain the screeching brats and hammy adults.

Even compared to the carnage from yesterday (i.e. a month ago), this was a painful outing.  Thank God the reliable Alfred Hitchcock Presents is next in the rotation.

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  For those scoring along at home, this is 8 out of 14 episodes of this American series that take place outside the USA.  Still no paranormal activity in Africa or Asia, though.
  • [2]  Sadly, none of those readings are as histrionic as I remember.  Maybe I’m thinking of another movie.
  • [3]  Apologies for using that Greta clip in 2 consecutive posts.  But you must have a heart of stone not to laugh.
  • [4]  A few years ago, I saw 2 girls in Panera Bread wearing matching souvenir T-Shirts that said F*** You From Florida (without the ***).  It made me sad to realize that our country’s standards have deteriorated so badly that I was eating at a Panera Bread. [5]
  • [5]  That was a cheap shot.  I have no beef with Panera except their sandwiches seem to get smaller so often, it’s like I’m backing away from them.  Which I guess I am.  Also, their drink and condiment stations are usually a nightmare of poor design.  C’mon man, you’ve built a thousand of these things and still can’t figure it out?
  • [6]  Before you think too poorly of Harrison:  Sylvia earlier admitted to forgetting his birthday too.  So this layabout, with nothing better to do, shouldn’t point fingers.

Amazon Prime Recommendations

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I see Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 is described at Wiki as a satire or black comedy.  Listing it as a Comedy recommendation seems like a stretch, though.

Classifying a western about a water-rights war with John Wayne and Robert Mitchum as a Romance is just bizarre, and a little brokebackish.

A movie about a male gigolo would seem to preclude Romance.  A movie starring Rob Schneider would seem to preclude Comedy.  So I don’t know where this one belongs.

The only one that makes sense is Borat 2.  It is laugh out loud funny.

Tales of the Unexpected – Lamb to the Slaughter (04/14/79)

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I was really looking forward to this. It is the second episode of a new series for me. The first episode was très disturbing with an incredibly dry wit. The original short story by Roald Dahl is a classic.  The Alfred Hitchcock Presents episode based on it was not online at the time I would have watched it, so this was a great opportunity. Plus, it stars the beautiful British actress Susan George. What could go wrong?

In 2020 on a Halloween with a full moon, everything, of course.

Sadly, a few years later and now on Peacock, Episode 28 of Season 3 of AHP is still conspicuously missing. [1] The Cheney Vase shows up more places than the FBI Anti-Piracy Warning, but still no Lamb to the Slaughter.  Susan George is playing a pregnant woman and, apparently, went all method for the role because she is about 25 pounds heavier than expected.  Pictures of her in this post are not from this episode.

But the real disappointment is the episode itself.  It tends to sink an episode when the weakness is the episode.  The previous TOTU episode took a story that did not at all suggest any humor, and gave it a droll veneer.  This episode does the opposite.  It takes a clever, funny concept and deliberately drains it of all humor and suspense.  A major let down.  The series ran 9 seasons so, hopefully, this is just a glitch.

The opening scene is illustrative of what follows.  Pointlessly, the first scene now takes place after the murder.  This is a major change from the short story and AHP adaptation. [1] Unfortunately, they compounded this error in judgment.  When Susan George goes through the charade of coming home from the market and calling for her husband, there is not a hint of chicanery.  It is a full-on cheat to the audience.  There is not even a sly wink that might intrigue the audience or just be appreciated only later.  I understand she is trying to get in character, but this is a yuge wasted opportunity.

OK, this one is actually Melissa George, the American Susan George.

[1]  Bare*bones posted a link to the original, so I finally got to watch the AHP version.  It is so superior in every way to TOTU that I don’t want to besmirch it.  

Barbara Bel Geddes is excellent.  The AHP structure really allows us to empathize with her just like audiences did with Norman Bates (but for different reasons). [2]  Alfred Hitchcock and Roald Dahl were nominated for Best Direction and Best Screenplay Emmys respectively.  They were respectively disrespected with a loss and a loss. [3]

Let’s just hope this was an off-night for Tales of the Unexpected.  I rate it 100 lambs:  z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z.

Other Stuff:

  • [2]  The final shots of the main characters are even remarkably similar.  Both are sitting placidly upright in a chair.  Only Anthony Perkins gives us a smirk, and Barbara Bel Geddes breaks out in laughter like she just struck oil.
  • [3]  Both losses were to an Alcoa Theater episode starring Mickey Rooney.  The Alcoa episode won several Emmys, but Rooney lost Best Actor to Fred Astaire.  Rooney was seen in the restroom pounding the mirror yelling, “F*** ’em.  F*** ’em all!  How dare they!”  That is a great demonstration of the short-man / celebrity intersection of self-importance.  At least he can take comfort that he is 3 inches taller than the similarly mouthy Greta Thunberg.  You know, if he were standing up.
  • In the TOTU version, the husband is played by a future Nazi in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (RIP to Sean Connery today!) [4] — the “No ticket” guy.
  • [4]  I happened to hear the news while listening to MSNBC for laughs this morning on XM.  What a sad excuse for a news channel — they said he was the first James Bond.  Bullshit. 
  • They did uncharacteristically miss a Trump-bashing opportunity to say his favorite Bond flick must be From Russia with Love.  Although anyone who has seen his NY digs knows it would be Goldfinger.
  • NPR got it wrong, too — I want a refund!
  • In poking around the Emmy history, I learned that Alice from The Brady Bunch was nominated for 4 Emmys and won 2 (although, shockingly, not for The Brady Bunch).  And here I thought Robert Reed was that show’s star at pretending to be something he wasn’t.
  • I feel like Lynda Day George ought to get a mention here.
  • Whatever dumb son-of-a-bitch came up with the Block concept in the WordPress update should be in jail. Lock him up! Lock him up!

Science Fiction Theatre – The Voice (10/26/56)

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We open in the home of Roger Brown, “an outstanding attorney at law”.  He and his wife Anna are enjoying a quiet evening at home watching Mendoza the Mentalist perform “an amazing demonstration of mental telepathy.”  Even more astounding, Brown is smoking a pipe while lying on his back.  Bravo!

Vertical pipe smoking: #1 cause of burnt corneas. #2: Emily Ratajkowski.

They watch as Mendoza correctly describes the contents of an envelope that contains a picture of the host’s nephew in a graduation gown.  The crowd is less impressed when Mendoza correctly predicts that the TV host will be voting for democrat Adlai Stevenson in 11 days.

Anna believes the demonstration, but Roger thinks the scientist observing was duped.  He says, “It would be a lot easier to get an innocent man out of the death cell by mental telepathy.  You know, just sit here and tell it to the judge.”  Yeah, I agree the existence of telepathy would clear the “innocent people” out of death row, but not the way he thinks.

Anna thinks there was something paranormal about the way the Sloan case landed in Roger’s lap at the same time new evidence just happened to be revealed.   Roger chalks it up to coincidence:  “The young man’s guardian just happened to wander into my office, that’s all.  A pure paranoid — wants to sue the city because he tripped on the sidewalk.  A pathological liar who let it slip he was with Sloan on the night of the murder.”  Wait, so you’re building the defense around the testimony of a known pathological liar who has a pre-existing relationship with the accused?

Brown has a pilot’s license, but apparently from the same Caribbean correspondence flight school as JFK, Jr.  Brown goes down like Frasier.  He wakes up paralyzed in the wreckage and tries to send out a telepathic SOS.  An old man driving by picks up the signal.  Hundreds of miles away, Anna involuntarily writes the word CRASH on a piece of paper.  How that slip of paper made it into the Best Picture envelope at the 2005 Oscars is not discussed, but explains a lot.

Roger wakes up in a hospital, but is unable to move or speak.  A nurse thinks she heard him ask for a glass of water, a doctor enters the room thinking he heard Roger call for him, and KHJ says he was caller #4 for the Carl Perkins tickets.  Anna enters the room, so I guess he telepathically sent her the hospital address also.

The rest of the episode is as lifeless as Roger’s paralyzed body.  At least one thing is cleared up.  The guardian is again referred to as a paranoid psychopathic liar.  But he is the accuser, not defending the prisoner.  Roger is able to get the man released.  But, c’mon man, he was probably guilty of something.

This was really a slog.  The story was not very interesting, the lead character was paralyzed, the video was in terrible condition, and Roger looked like Fredo Corleone.  That last item might not sound like a big deal, but now I’ll be imagining Fredo banging cocktail waitresses two at a time all weekend.  Maybe I would have been better off with one of the recommendations dailymotion put on the same screen.

Yes, a lot of potential there.

Oh, this is a recipe for disaster.