Crawl or Die (2014)

crawlordie00OK, I have no problem with shaky-cams, but combine them with strobing light and quick-cut editing, and this film is in a deep hole even before it goes into a deep hole.

A group of soldiers seems to be in a firefight trying to rescue some civilians on white jumpsuits.  They discover a hatch in the forest and send a woman down to investigate.  It seems to be their only option, so they all go down and seal the hatch behind them.

Oh great, the movie is a flashback.

A military commander is showing his troops a picture of the last fertile, virus-free woman in the wold.  The troops are to snag this woman, board The Oklahoma and take a month month journey to Earth-2.

OK, not a flashback movie, we’re back to the future.

They find the underground chamber leads to a series of hatches and tunnels.  They’re going to have to do a titular CRAWL (which is helpfully splashed on the screen).  They enter a long circular tunnel about three feet in diameter.  They whole time we hear the grunts of the reptilian creatures which are pursuing them.  So creatures and a virus — OK, I’m down with that.

crawlordie55As they debate taking a break so The Package (their code name for fertile Myrtle) can get some doctor prescribed sleep, one of the soldiers is pulled into a side tunnel by an alien.  And I mean, pulled the hard way, bending him backwards at the waist.  As the alien chows down on him, the others manage to get away.  I wasn’t under the impression that the aliens weren’t after them as a food source, but we’re not given much to go on.

As they reach another resting point, the leader Tank strips off her pants and gives them to the doctor to make bandages.  Having already dispensed with her jacket, she is now down to a sports bra and spandex panties.  She climbs 30 feet down another tubular tunnel and places lights every few feet so she will have a clear, lighted, unobstructed shot at the alien as it comes down the tunnel.  Unless, you know, she falls asleep.

Which she does.  She wakes up at the last possible second and begins blasting the creature.  Not sure if it is only mostly dead, she leaves Doc to keep at eye on it.  Big mistake.  We get our first good look at the alien and it is pretty similar to . . . er, an alien — the H.R. Giger kind, with the long head and maybe even a smaller set of choppers in its mouth.

crawlordie18So now we are down to Tank and The Package with half the movie left to go.  After coming to the end of the tunnel, they have no option but to climb through an even small hole which seems to have been burrowed through the earth.  This one is maybe two feet in diameter.  I must admit, this did get me squirming.  Every time you think she might have reached the surface or a chamber, its just more tiny tunnel with no way to back up.

Improbably, one of the aliens has squeezed his giant noggin into the hole and is right behind them.  And speaking of behinds, this movie has the most extraordinary number of butt-shots in history.  Not that that’s a bad thing — Tank has clearly been spending time at the gym.  Sadly, the alien catches up to The Package and kills her.

Tank cuts the rope and continues down the hole.  She makes it through the earthen tunnel to another piece of tube.  This one is so small, she can barely manage the leverage to wriggle through.  And yet that alien is still chasing her with that giant melon.

crawlordie54After dropping through a slot to another lower level, she finds the ony way out is a horizontal slit which is just comical at this point.  A C cup wouldn’t have made it.  The only way things could get worse is if the tunnel was full of dirt.  So it is, and she has to start digging her way through.

With 5 minutes to go, there were a few directions this could go.  The ending was a little bit of a cheat, but after the intensity of the past hour, I was fine with it.

Complete lack of characterization: I was fine with it.  After a few minutes I even had to turn on Closed Captions to see what anyone’s name was.

Lighting: This was a mess from the first jittery scenes all the way through the tunnels. Maybe it worked using the the flashlights to light the scene rather than real camera equipment. No problem.

Sound: I loved the relentless clawing, roaring, chomping and scraping in the background as a constant reminder of Tank’s predicament.

The only real disappointment is in the dialogue, of which there is thankfully very little — especially in the last scene which is stunningly lame.

Also, maybe I’m an old-fashioned guy, but I don’t want my heroine to be named Tank. Who would have bought Tank: Tomb Raider?  Although maybe it would have helped the dreadful movies.  A last name only like Ripley, I’m OK with.

Having a female protagonist named Tank is like having a cat name Frank — it just ain’t something I want to cuddle with.

I never expected to see a film more claustrophobic than Buried, but this is it.

crawlordie50

This is just about the only decent shot we get of Tank.

 

 

Night Gallery – The Caterpillar (S2E22)

ngcaterpillar01This is another one of those segments considered to be among the best of the series — usually a sign of disaster.  In this case, however, it is totally accurate.

Joanna Pettet is in her third episode, lovely as ever, except for the still-too-long hair. Maybe she had a big deal with a  shampoo company at the time.  And her voice is amazing.

Rhona Warwick is in the open-air Borneo home she shares with her much-older husband John, doing some knitting and listening to the Victrola.  We know this is a period piece, not because of the Victrola, but because she is knitting.

Their house-guest / business associate Macy enters through the open doors and immediately starts bitching about the pouring rain.  He is just a chronic complainer about “Borneo, the China and Java Seas, the whole ruddy Malay Archipelago.”  And I assume his mispronunciation of Archipelago is out of spite . . . nah, it was a screw-up.

ngcaterpillar08When John goes out to make sure his storage sheds aren’t leaking, Macy asks Rhona how she can stand it.  He wonders how she “under 28 years of age, you’re an absolute knock-out , and you waste away out here in the Borneo jungle 5,000 miles away from everything you know” with a 66 year-old husband —  I agree, that is weird.  I mean the way he arbitrarily says “under 28”;  I have no problem with the 28 / 66 thing.

No matter how he berates Borneo or her husband’s age, she steadfastly maintains her love of her husband and desire to stay here for all their days.  Although, I expect she will, have far more of them than will her husband.

Realizing he is being a jerk, he asks for Rhona’s forgiveness and they shake hands.  At that moment, Robinson, a local handyman appears in the doorway to sell them some kindling.  Rhona acts little out of character, getting testy with Robinson.  She says, “We don’t observe many social graces here, but knocking before entering a room is still considered de rigueur.”  This is especially stinging since there is no door.  And he didn’t enter.

ngcaterpillar16

Official Captain Kirk lighting is used frequently for Macy.

After Rhona leaves the room, Robinson can tell that Macy has the hots for her.  He suggests that there might be something he could do to help that situation.

Later, Rhona sympathetically apologizes to Macy saying that she understands “what loneliness can do to a man — loneliness and abstinence.”  She seductively continues that she has a friendly suggestion.  He is understandably excited by this until she continues, “Take a cold bath, Mr. Macy.”  Zing!!!

After that unnecessary bitchiness, Macy decides to see what Robinson has in mind. Robinson tells him of a local insect, the earwig, which eats wax and has a fondness for the human ear.  If one were put in a person’s ear, it is not able to back out, it can only crawl through the brain continuing to eat, with a 1 in 10,000 chance of ever finding its way out.

Robinson knows some gents who could place one of them in Warwick’s ear that night.  It would take about 2 weeks to drive him mad with pain.  And all for the low, low price of £100.

ngcaterpillar30The next morning at breakfast, Macy feels a tingling in his ear that just won’t go away.  Dabbing it with a napkin, he finds he is bleeding.  The brainiac assassins have put the earwig into the wrong man’s ear — but, in their defense, it would be confusing to spot which man was 30 years younger, had black hair, had a mustache, was sleeping alone, was in the guest quarters, and had not lived in Borneo for the past 25 years.

He completely incriminates himself by running from the room screaming, “They put it in MY ear!  Dear God, they put in MY ear!”  This could have been the end on a lesser show like, say, most other episodes of Night Gallery.  But no . . .

Two weeks later, the doctor comes out of the Warwick house and describes Macy’s condition to Robinson.  Macy has his hands tied to the bedposts to keep him from clawing his face off to get at the earwig.  Red-eyed, with tears running down his face, greasy hair, two weeks growth of beard, agonizing contortions of his face — I don’t think we’ve seen this level of horror out of Night Gallery before.

ngcaterpillar31Miraculously, the earwig finds its way to the other ear and escapes from Macy’s brain.  Back on his feet, Macy admits he would have murdered John for a shot at Rhona.  He expects to be arrested, but is surprised to find he will not be prosecuted.

As one of the few earwig survivors, Macy educates the doctor as to what he experienced, “Agonizing driving, itching pain.  Anything would have been preferable — to be flayed alive, to be burned at the stake, to be put on the rack, to be hanged even would have been an act of mercy.”

Macy senses that the Warwicks and the doctor are holding something back.  The doctor admits that he examined the earwig.  It was a female . . . and it laid eggs in Macy’s brain.  Macy screams in a shot that goes from the interior of his mouth to the exterior of the house.  This was the To Serve Man moment of Night Gallery.

Wait, what now?

Great casting, great set, great sound effects with the constant rain and the bird at the end, great screenplay.  If they could have pulled off a few more of these, Night Gallery would be remembered in much higher regard.

Thus endeth Season Two on a very high note.

Post-Post:

  • Twilight Zone Legacy:  John Williams played Shakespeare in The Bard.
  • Title Analysis:  The segment is adapted from a short story titled Boomerang.  I can understand making a change since that is a little vague.  But why a caterpillar? The insect in the story is an earwig, which is an actual inset, yet unknown to most people.  Wouldn’t that have been a more intriguing title?
  • Skipped Segment: Talk about an intriguing title — Little Girl Lost was a classic episode of The original Twilight Zone.
  • Wrote part of this at Starbucks, so was subjected to the Hulu version (i.e. commercial-riddled) of Night Gallery.  Stella Artois has a promotion about buying a limited edition crystal chalice (i.e. beer mug) and they will make a donation of “five years of clean drinking water to women in some 3rd world cesspool the developing world”.  Cuz, you know, f*** men.

Tales From the Crypt – This’ll Kill Ya (S4E2)

tftcthisll02George Gatlin (Dylan McDermott) pulls up to the police station and opens the hatch of his car.  It does not bode well that the director makes a huge mistake by immediately showing us who the corpse is.

Directorially, though, it picks up quickly.  In a nice touch, Gatlin grabs the corpse by the Chucks — oh, come on, he was sporting Converse sneakers! — and begins dragging him to the door. Gotta think that the pavement was wearing the back of his head pretty thin; and WTH did he park so far away?  The trip up the stairs to the door gives his noggin a floggin’ also.

He drags the corpse up to the desk Sargent and has a great opening line, “I’m dead and this is the guy who killed me.”  Then we get the dreaded flashback.

Continue reading

Outer Limits – Falling Star (S2E19)

olfallingstar02Sheena Easton is a once popular singer who has experienced a major decline in her career.  Ditto for her character in this episode.

After playing to an appreciative crowd in a small club, she refuses to come back for an encore.  In her dressing room, she dumps a pile of pills in her hand.  Before she can gulp them down, a strange blob charges through the wall and convulses her.

After she wakes up, she sees someone else in the mirror.  It only lasts a second, though. She is inspired to start writing some new songs, but is brought down again when she sees her manager / husband banging a roadie.  She breaks a glass and is thinking about slashing her wrists when the other person appears in the mirror again.

This is Rachel, from the future.  She claims that in her timeline Sheena had died from an overdose that night at the small club.  Rachel’s appearance has prevented that from happening again.

olfallingstar05Her husband is once again banging the roadie when two blobs from the future possess their bodies.  The one possessing the girl is understandably intrigued, feeling himself up.  The one possessing the man is bafflingly uninterested in the hot naked blonde. Yeah, it’s a dude on the inside, but that candy coating is pretty sweet.

They go to see Sheena and tell her they are from the same future as Rachel.  They plan to kill Sheena to restore the timeline.  Inexplicably, they don’t just kill her then.

They go back to the room where the husband was banging the roadie and get back in the same exact position so the couple won’t notice that their bodies had been possessed.  This is should be kinda awkward since the time travelers were both men.  Fortunately, this was not shown — kind of like how in Ghost, when Patrick Swayze was kissing Dinty Moore, they wisely did not show her actually swapping spit with the psychic Whoopi Goldberg as she channeled Swayze.

Actually, I find this couple of scenes more interesting than the main story, and not just because of the swell newdity.  The possession of the bodies at such an intimate time, a man inhabiting the woman’s body, the two dudes getting back into the same intimate position to cover their actions, the husband thinking he had lasted a record time.  The opportunity to explore this for laughs, homophobia, gratuitous nudity, anything was HUGELY squandered.

olfallingstar11Kudos for them at least taking a second to have the dude look at his watch and think they had been going at it for 30 minutes.  Good brief gag as it acknowledged the lost time and was funny.  Poorly executed, but excellent idea.

Another couple of goons from the future come to her room, but Sheena manages to fight them off.  Her friend Janet ends up accidentally getting killed.  Yada yada, Sheena’s life force is transferred into Janet’s dead body.  Sheena-in-Janet becomes a star again.

Sheena Easton is no great thespian, but she isn’t really the problem here.  The tone is so leaden that it is sleep-inducing; it literally induced me to sleep.  There are a couple of fun moments, but they are mostly squandered.  And you’re always on thin ice using mediocre stock music for a band on TV, especially if it is supposed to be world-changing.

Post-Post:

  • Canadian DVD Title: Letoile Filante.
  • Surprisingly, for such a slog, the director went on to helm 2 episodes of 24.  He was also the director of a better, earlier episode of Outer Limits.
  • I’m cool with the goons from the future seeing their real selves in the mirror rather than the people they possessed.  But WTH would they be seeing their future clothes?

Ray Bradbury Theater – Colonel Stonesteel and the Desperate Empties (S5E4)

bradbury02Young Charlie is bored.  Soon, he will not be the only one.

For reasons unknown, he runs to Colonel Stonesteel’s house.  Charlie complains that nothing ever happens in their town. Stonesteel reminds him that Labor Day is coming up — four cars, floats, fireworks, the mayor.  Charlie is right, this is a dull town. At least in the short story there were seven cars.

Stonesteel takes Charlie into his house in search of excitement, and asks him if he is interested in the Graveyard (the basement) or the junkyard (the attic).  Charlie opts for the attic.  The old man constructs a mummy out of wire and old newspapers.  They then hide it in a farmer’s field.

The farmer finds it and brings it into town, interrupting the Labor Day parade with some real excitement.

And it goes on and on.  Harold Gould can pull off Bradbury’s words like few others, but the boy is as boring as the Labor Day parade; even the one with four cars.

The episode wraps up like the end of Stand By Me.  Charlie has become a famous author, and we see him finishing off a book about his childhood.  Now an adult, he sees one of the neighborhood boys out the window and invites him in.

I can’t even work up the enthusiasm to point out how strange it is that these men like to hang out with 13 year old boys.

Kind of a snoozer, unworthy of the polysyllabic title.

Post-Post:

  • Original short story title: Colonel Stonesteel’s Genuine Home-Made Truly Egyptian Mummy.
  • Just a whole lotta nothing.  I thought maybe there was an historical figure named Stonesteel, but I found nothing.  Thought maybe “desperate empties” was a pre-existing phrase, but found nothing again.