Another Kind (2013)

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anotherkind01

“Hey Pat, we’re surrounded by 20,000 square miles of wilderness. Where do you want to set up the tent?”        “I don’t know Nate, how about under this massive half-fallen dead tree.”

20 Horror Movies for $7.50 — Part XIX.

I’m in the weird position of kind of hoping this one sucks.  There have been so many at-least decent movies in this collection, and a recent run of pretty good ones that my bigotry against these cheapo sets is being seriously challenged.  I am at risk of becoming cinematically-correct.  #allmoviesmatter.

We start off with two couples loading the car for a trip to the Catskills.  They are not instantly hatable, so the movie is already above average.  Well, one is a smoker, so he’s on thin ice.  Even the credits make me think this will be good — the film is a lean 74 minutes.  They get creative with the very first credits, but quickly switch to standard static credits long before tedium sets in — I’m looking at you, 1978 Superman! [1]

At the Catskills, they start out, fully loaded with the essentials — backpacks, snowshoes, tents, pot-brownies — for a 27 mile hike.  Sadly there was not enough room for a .5 ounce map. Within an hour one of the couples has a fight and the girl bails, heading back to the car to stay at a hotel.

anotherkind02Refreshingly, these are normal people, even the one girl who bails.  They complain — but calmly and reasonably — about the exertion required, they make jokes that are normal-people funny (not Hollywood-polished or Hollywood-awful).  They are so happy to get have a meal of their freeze-dried prepper food that they actually compliment it. They are I guess, in a word, relatable — an archaic  concept mostly discarded by filmmakers.

The first night is fairly fright-free although there are strange lights and noises outside the tent.  But nothing is found, so they set out the next morning on the second 10-mile leg of the hike.  They even find time for some fun sledding on little sheets of plastic. Mysteriously, during their frolicking, the tent poles disappear so they have to back track to hell-camp.  Well, it wasn’t exactly like going back to the house in Poltergeist, but there were those lights and noises.

anotherkind04They don’t find the poles at the campsite, so they split up to look for some branches to make an $800 lycra tepee just like the Indians.  When they return with some sticks, the poles are all lined up neatly at the site.  Pat says it is probably just some harmless hunters playing a prank on the city folk, having never seen Southern Comfort or Wrong Turn or, really, a movie.  The night is again relatively uneventful except for a nightmare from Laura.  The next day they stay put again as Nate burns his hand and that somehow prevents him from walking.

anotherkind06That night, however, things start to awry.  Pat is awakened by some red lights and goes outside to check them out.  Nate and Laura wake up the next morning covered in snow because Pat forgot to close the tent flap.  And, oh yeah, he is comatose, covered by snow in the tent, nearly frozen to death.

They wrap Patrick up and start dragging him back to the trail head.  A map might have been handy at this point.  Or a phone.  Or a GPS.  After Laura discovers a disgusting growth under Patrick’s cap, she and Nate begin arguing about whether to leave him.  They are overjoyed to see a campsite in the distance.  Until they recognize it as the same one they left that morning.

So once again, they settle in at the same site for the night.  Which is cool until Laura goes out to pee and encounters a second Patrick.  Nate goes out to find her, leaving Patrick #1 in the tent.  She does not answer his calls, but he catches her standing naked in the woods, which is just a good.

I can see how some people would be critical of the ending, but I thought it suited the movie.  The entire film was an exercise in subtly — no jump scares, no monsters, not even over-use of the threat of nature or inevitable human conflict.  So an explosive ending just would have been a money-shot — I mean a literal shot money (i.e. not in the budget).  Also not in keeping with the rest of the film.

anotherkind08Certainly not comedic like the last few films, but not full of dread and suspense either.  To repeat myself, it just felt relatable.  They were real people with real problems doing the best they could.  It pains me to say it, but this is another good one.

Post-Post:

  • [1] Well, they were cool at the time.  And it is still the best Superman movie.
  • I have never seen any of this cast of four in another movie.  Which is fine.

Night Gallery – Hatred Unto Death (05/27/73)

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hatredunto01Primatologists Grant and Ruth Wilson are driving through stock footage of Africa.

They are stopped by 3 natives in the road.  Grant understands enough of their language to follow them to a pit where a gorilla has fallen.  Looking up at them, the gorilla is pas-sive toward Ruth, but when he looks at Grant, he is full of hate.  Grant, not a wordsmith despite writing a book, says, “Look at that hate — it’s almost as if he knew me.”  That could be taken 2 ways, Shakespeare.

Ghatredunto04rant has the natives throw a net over the gorilla so he can take him back to America to go to a zoo. Ruth tries to convince Grant to let him go free; or at least take him to the movies instead.

Over a picture of the gorilla, we see a transparent overlay of his journey from the natural wilds of Africa to the smokestacks and freeways of evil America.  The Wilsons temporarily house him at the Museum of Natural History run by their associate Fernando Lamas (best known for not being Ricardo Montalban).

When they take Lamas to see the gorilla, it once again is subdued toward Ruth, but very belligerent toward Grant.  Grant mocks Ruth for holding the gorilla’s hand while they flew to America to keep him from going into shock.  He jokes to Ramirez that he thinks she prefers gorillas to men.  She says, not joking, “Gorillas don’t drop napalm on children.”

hatredunto10She continues, “This earth doesn’t really need man.  He’s only ruining it. The gorillas and the elephants and the porpoises would manage and work things out very well by themselves [1].  Without men, this would be a fabulous place!” Colleges all over the country would be fighting to hire this woman for every primatology, history, womyn’s studies and diversity department today.

She opts to stay the night keeping the gorilla company rather than go home with her husband.  Grant confides to Lamas that he should have left the gorilla in Africa.  But when he looked into its eyes and saw the hatred, he knew the gorilla recognized him; perhaps as Hondo Harrelson on SWAT. He wants Lamas to break the gorilla’s spirit, turn him into a vegetable.

hatredunto22Meanwhile Ruth is telling the gorilla stories about how ancestors of Grant and the gorilla fought many years ago.  Strangely, they fought over a female.  A female what is not mentioned.  Being different species, that would be interesting.  Where she is getting this scholarship is anyone’s guess, but anyone at a college knows such questions will get you fired.  The ancient man, being an ancient man had the brains to trap the gorilla in a pit, take his female, and stone him to death. Now the man smokes a pipe, wears a leather coat and bangs a hot blonde; while the gorilla’s descendant is still getting trapped in pits.

Ruth’s interpretation to the gorilla is that “down through the eons [man] has grown pale, and weak and hairless.  Still he’s your master!  What’s happened to your power?”  She is heartbroken that man has evolved to a superior state.  I swear, if the gorillas had anti-aircraft guns, she would have been yukking it up with them.  This agitates the gorilla so he grabs her earrings from her hand.  When she enters the cage to retrieve them, he makes a jailbreak, knocking her to the ground.  She manages to call the pale, weak Grant to come save her.

Luckily the weak man has invented the gun and flashlight.  And I’m sure Ruth would have called for the napalm now that the gorilla had begun attacking her.  After some cat and mouse through the museum, the gorilla — shot twice — tricks Grant by playing dead, then picks him up and impales him on a statue before dying.

The episode ends with a pan from Grant’s dead hand, to the dead gorilla to Grant’s pistol, to a bust of a caveman; which I’m sure conveys some meaning that is so stupid you have to go to grad school to get it.

Post-Post:

  • Twilight Zone Legacy:  Richard Deacon and Steve Forrest did time in the Zone.
  • [1] Apparently the cobras, lions, sharks and scorpions would not get seats at the table.
  • Skipped Segment;  How to Cure the Common Vampire.  A very short sketch which makes no logical sense as a joke or horror.

Last of the Living (2009)

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lastofliving0220 Horror Movies for $7.50 — Part XVIII.

Now this is more like it.  And by it, I mean it is more like the movies in the $5.00 collection than its ritzy high-falutin’ diskmates in the $7.50 box.  A terrible transfer is probably to blame for many of its woes — not as bad as Curtains, but pretty bad.  So it is not a sharp image, and the cinematography and poor sound quality are probably related to that issue. The zombie make-up rarely consists of more than a bloody nose.

And yet.

It is one of the rare films that opens with a ballad and pulls it off.  Morgan is wandering the deserted streets of London (because all cities in England are London). His journey is effectively inter-cut with very short bits of TV news footage covering the outbreak of the zombie apocalypse and breakdown of society (and doing it better than Fear the Walking Dead).  There is not a single other person seen, and the zombies were also apparently considerate enough to clear the streets of blood, bodies and cars (i.e. they probably filmed at 6 am Sunday morning in the business district).

lastofliving04Our protagonists are Morgan, Johnny and the nerdy Ash who live together in one house.  It is not clear how many humans are left as the streets are barren; but the phones work, and Morgan even calls a girl for a date — although he does get a voice-mail, so she’s probably a goner or, in my experience, screening her calls.

They suit up for a trip to the market for chips and beer.  And rather than the leisurely stroll we usually see, these guys literally run to the market.  Along the way they have a few entertaining run-ins with the undead so this almost comes off as the zombie version of Help!.

lastofliving12This is even more true as they are running through the market in a musical montage with their shopping carts — but it is a sense of fun more than fear that is propelling them.  Right through to the nicely-choreographed zooming through 3 un-manned check-out lines, pulling a hard 90 degrees and heading out.

lastofliving14On the way home, they stop at a CD store — speaking of things that just won’t die.

They go on living their bro lifestyles, drinking beer, talking about girls, playing the drums, watching exercise videos of bikini babes.  They get bored and, housing being a breather’s market, they decide on a whim to move to a new mansion.  Along the way they rescue a hot chick from a church.  And by “rescue” I mean they get her father killed, lose a new zombie antidote and blow up the church; but they do end up with the hot babe, Stef, on the team.

lastofliving23Incredibly, they drive all the way to The New Zealand Research Centre — OK, possibly it wasn’t London after all — and pull into the empty parking lot.  You’d think there might be survivors there working or at least cars of the dead that worked to save humanity until they dropped dead like in The Stand.  But no.

Stef is able to synthesize more of the antidote, and they head for the airport to fly it to anti-zombie island where the real research is done.  There is a time-factor, though, that adds suspense to the humor.  And actually works.

lastofliving31This was a very enjoyable watch despite the technical shortcomings of this print. Like Hide and Creep, it was was just low-key fun and I can imagine watching it again.  The music seems to be stock, not always fitting the scene, but that just added a certain charm whether it was intended or not.  The characters were well-defined and likable for a change, and the actors were fun in portraying them.

One of the best of the set.

Post-Post:

  • The cover says “Shaun of the Dead’s Got Nothing on These Slackers” which is pushing it a little far.  But a good print would have made it perfectly respectable.

Tales from the Crypt – Death of Some Salesmen (10/02/93)

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tftcdeathofsome02After we see Ed Begley Jr. humping some floozy in a hotel, he is up early the next morning to check the newspaper obituaries; presumably to see if my appetite is listed. Actually, we were fortunate enough to see very little of him, but did get some swell nudity from the girl — in a show hosted by a puppet. That still baffles me.[1]

Apparently he made her promises about rescuing her from her lousy job and that dirtwater burg.  She accuses, “But you said you loved me” and he responds, “Yes, and you dropped your little panties.  It’s called salesmanship.”  No, it’s called lying.  Sharknado / Sharknoddo.

He drives out to a farm where Yvonne DeCarlo answers the door.  Asking for her husband, she tells him her husband died a few days ago.  Unlike her first husband, this one ain’t coming back — not even on TFTC.

tftcdeathofsome07He pretends to be shocked and does a variation of a gag that Chevy Chase did so much better in Fletch. He explains that just last week her husband had made a down-payment on a cemetery plot. He says it is too bad he died before paying the balance because the plot package covered funeral expenses plus $10,000 cash.  “Reluctantly” Ed agrees to bend the rules so Yvonne doesn’t lose out on the bennies (i.e. he bilks her out of $250 cash).

Having ungilded the Lilly (see what I did there?), he arrives at another farmhouse.  In a bizarre but fairly pointless bit of casting [2], the door is answered by the always welcome Tim Curry, but playing a woman (an actual woman — Ma Brackett — not just a sweet transvestite).  Although he went to the wrong address, and there was no obituary to lay the groundwork, Ma is still interested in what he is selling and calls out Pa Brackett — also played by Tim Curry. Very strangely, Ma looks like Tim Curry, but I can detect no resemblance in Pa.

tftcdeathofsome10They are very impressed by the brochures he has had printed up. He generously offers them a package deal for $750 that will provide $20,000 in death benefits.  Sounds like a good deal to them, but Pa is pretty shrewd and says they will have to see the plot in person.  Ed is able to stall them for a day and they go down stairs to get the cash.

While alone, Ed sees several of his predecessors — salesmen who have been decapitated, gutted with vacuum cleaner hoses, stuffed into TV consoles, etc.  He heads for the door, but is locked in and Pa clubs him to unconsciousness.

They rouse him, handcuffed,  and introduce him to their daughter Winona (also played by Tim Curry).  Despite all manner of hideousness, he tells her she is beautiful.  She takes him upstairs and rides him cowgirl style, although more cow than girl.  During pillow talk, she says she wants to get married so they can take her dowry and get away from her parents.  The dowry is money from all the dead salesmen and Winona estimates it at $40 – $50,000.

tftcdeathofsome08Begley shoots Winona and digs down about 4 feet in the basement where he finds a box with a piece of paper in it.  He unrolls the document to see one of his own contracts for a Restful Hill Cemetery plot — that is the dowry. This is where things go awry.

The contract is a mess.  I guess they figured that no one would notice in state of the art 1993 low-rez TV. Why were Mr. Jones and Begley filled in the Witness line rather than as the active parties?

And why was it buried under 4 feet of dirt?  Did one of the family dig the hole that night? And then fill it in?  For what purpose?  OK, the microwave salesman’s head was in the microwave, the TV salesman’s body was stuffed in the console, so it makes sense that Begley would be buried.  But irony shouldn’t require that much work.  In fact, irony should require no work  — the universe does the heavy lifting.

tftcdeathofsome06Turns out Begley was shooting blanks (with the pistol, presumably not in bed).  Winona is not dead, and Pa blows Begley away just before telling him that this is salesmanship — a phrase that sort of worked in the beginning, but makes little sense at the end.

If you overlook the nonsense at the end, it is a fun episode with great performances from Begley and especially Curry.  It was nice to see Lilly Munster again even though she had put on a lot of pounds and years (but haven’t we all).

Post-Post:

  • [1] It never occurred to me before that there really aren’t any cute Muppets. Granted, there aren’t that many humans among them, but — again, just occurring to me — they are almost all male. In fact, the only female I can think of is Janice — a groovy chick, but with a mouth that goes half-way around her head.  Just because it works — awesomely, BTW — for Anne Hathaway, doesn’t mean everybody can pull it off.
  • [2] Maybe I was wrong about the pointless casting.  The IMDb also cites his Emmy nomination for playing mother/father/sister/daughter, but he only portrayed 3 characters.  Sister and daughter don’t count as two people — this ain’t Chinatown, Jake.  Maybe this is why they all look so similar and the daughter is a little off.
  • The ugly daughter is named Winona.  Begley’s name is Judd.  Coincidence?  Just as an aside, PC I am not, but I never call real people ugly.
  • Title Analysis:  Inevitable, I suppose.  But shouldn’t it be “Deaths” since there were several killed?  Maybe “Death of Another Salesman” would have been a better choice grammatically and parody-wise.

Hide and Creep (2004)

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hideandcreep0120 Horror Movies for $7.50 — Part XVII.

Wow did this movie jump the proverbial shark in about 2 minutes.  We get off to a fun start with Chuck, the owner of a video store (yeah, VHS) talking to a customer on a land-line phone about zombie movies and why they all seem to be rented out.  Nice, amusing start.

Cut to a guy sleeping in a tree, who then falls and hits the — of course — ground.  Lying on his back, he is wearing only a t-shirt and his junk is hanging right the f*** out there. Or maybe it was standing right the f*** out there.  I didn’t look too closely, but that’ll take about 3 letter grades off a movie right there.

Another group of yahoos is watching the Spice Channel when it suddenly cuts out.  One of the hicks treks a ridiculously long way to check on the generator and finds that the electrical cable has been cut.  The next time he is seen, several fairly well-dressed hideandcreep08zombies are chowing down on him.  More freakishly well-dressed zombies appear (did God allow another church roof to collapse?), and here his mulletted hick friends have gone off without their rifles.  So the head mullet calls for them to “split up and meet back at the house.”  My question: In such a situation, when splitting up, which idiots are not going to choose the direction of the house?

Chuck wakes up on the floor of his store, being hassled by a customer banging on the door.  The film regains a lot of its humor and momentum as both the clerk and the customer are not naked.  Despite some stunningly cheap zombie make-up, Hide and Creep gets off to a solid 2nd start.

Multiple colorful characters enter the movie . . . naked guy Michael who claims he was abducted by aliens, the girl at the diner, secretary Barbara at the police station, Chris the deputy she apparently has the authority to fire, Reverend Smith who is attacked in his church, Mullet’s gun-toting teen daughter, a doltish agent from the Dept of Homeland Defense (sic) investigating reports of RC — Reanimated Corpses, naked guy Michael’s girlfriend who also shows up naked.

hideandcreep30

DEAD GUY. CALL CHUCK.

Hide and Creep isn’t swinging for the fences.  It takes its time, but keeps the story full of quirky characters and mostly unforced humor.  The characters, in groups or alone, go on their own quests and occasionally cross paths.  There are no massive zombie hordes and no heads are lopped off, although there are plenty of zombie killings — the survivors are just trying to get through the day.  Chuck holes up in the police station, Mullet gathers his family, etc.  It is all very . . . not realistic exactly, but natural.

hideandcreep36It never lags and has surprises in store, even a few in the last minutes.  I was, as always, leery of the comedy / horror genre, but like Zombie Dearest, I was completely won over.  This is a genuinely fun movie.

hideandcreep53

This does NOT make up for her boyfriend’s junk earlier.

Post-Post:

  • I like that the Mulberry Baptist Church has dates for Founded, Built, Moved, Restored, and Rededicated. Even if it is a real sign, I like the quirkiness.
  • The poster is terrible!  What’s with the sepia tones?  It gives no indication of the fun to be had here.  Who is the demon in the back-ground?  This is a zombie movie.  Why is Mullet on the cover and not Chuck?
  • Title Analysis:  Also terrible – no relation to the movie at all.