Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Museum Piece (04/04/61)

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Either AHP is getter duller or I’m getting more exciting.

Mr. Hollister is guiding a tour through his small museum.  The last exhibit on the tour is a couple of skeletons.  He says one skeleton is an ancient “proto-pueblo” and the other is a “Caucasian”.  He describes the second one as being “very much like you and I.”

He escorts the group out and locks the doors.  He finds that one of the men has stayed behind.  Mr. Clovis — oh, I get it! — is admiring the collection of obsidian knives. [1]  He describes himself as an archeo-psychologist.  That is, he tries to divine the psyche of ancient man by his possessions.

He notices the Caucasian skeleton and profiles him.  Wait, he does know that is the Caucasian skeleton, right?  He says the large skull indicates he was an intelligent man who had trouble finding hats that fit.  He also deduces the man was athletic because he had the type of broken leg that is common in skiers.  The flaw in this logic is that Clovis has the same injury, but is decidedly not athletic.

Hollister shows Clovis through the other exhibits, pours some cocktails, then says the skeleton is was is was his son, Tim. [4]  He recalls the events that caused his son’s death.

Tim was hunting a fox.  He wasn’t really a hunter, he just wanted it for his collection.  He spots the fox running into Farmer McCaffery’s barn and follows it.  Little does he know McCaffery’s son is up in the hayloft also pursuing a fox.  Tim shoots the fox — the four-legged one.  McCaffery climbs down and busts Tim for walking into the unlocked barn like it was some kind of insurrection.

The girl yells down “Stealing pigeons!  That’s what he’s up to!”  What the heck?  Is McCaffery a pigeon farmer?

McCaffery Jr. is really a jerk.  He challenges Tim to a fight.  McCaffery grabs a pitchfork [2] and lunges at Tim.  So he Rittenhouses his attacker right in the eye, in a case of self-defense so clear that even MSNBC couldn’t miss it.

Tim is arrested for murder.  Although, the cops must have let him bring the dead fox with him because Hollister showed the stuffed critter to Clovis before the flashback.

Hollister goes to the District Attorney to try to get a break for his son.  DA Henshaw won’t violate his oath of office because that would be unethical.  After all, he’s a lawyer for God’s sake!

Er, I mean he won’t let the fact that the victim’s father was a campaign contributor sway him.  After all, he’s a politician for crying out loud!

Uh, I mean in order to assure justice is done, he will stay in the office working nights and weekends.  After all, he’s a civil servant for Pete’s sake!

OK, Tim is screwed.

His father really didn’t help the situation by antagonizing the DA.  Henshaw actually seems like a pretty fair guy.

I take it back.  DA Henshaw is a shark in court.  His strategy is to point out the fox and other animals in Tim’s collection were all shot in the eye to preserve their bodies for the taxidermist.  McCaffery was also shot in the eye, ergo it was intentional.  First of all, if Tim is shooting all those animals right in the eyeball, he should be on a SWAT team!  Maybe he broke his leg skiing during a biathlon.  Second, what would be the benefit of shooting McCaffery in the eye?

Anyhoo, he is sent away for life in prison.  I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that – but prison is no fairy-tale world.[3]  Oh wait, this is Tim’s story.  Yeah, he died in prison shortly thereafter.

Turns out Clovis is actually from the District Attorney’s office and he identifies the skeleton as belonging to Henshaw.  Hollister confesses, but then stabs Clovis in one of the most lackadaisical stabbings I’ve ever seen.  The next tour group sees two Caucasian skeletons.

Not a bad outing.  Certainly better than the previous episode.  It just didn’t grab me for a few reasons.  First, Bert Convy was not much of an actor.  Or maybe I just keep expecting him to say, “The Password is . . .” [5]  Second, Ed Platt was great as the Chief in Get Smart, but I just can’t take him in a serious role with an unserious jet-black toupee.  In a comedic role, I never noticed how grating his voice is.  Also, he and McCaffery Jr seemed like caricatures.  Both seemed to be hamming it up, especially Jr.  It also seemed like AHP played it a little cute with the skeletons.  They didn’t outright lie, though, so I guess that one is on me.

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  Actually, they are Chekov’s Obsidian Knives as bare*bones points out, but why bring Star Trek into it?
  • [2]  We don’t see the business end of the implement, but it is referred to as a pitchfork.  The strange thing is, he swings it like a shovel.
  • [3]  Shawshank.
  • [4] Upon review, he does not say the skeleton is his son.  But boy do they want you to infer that!
  • [5]  I knew him from Tattletales.  I didn’t even know he hosted Password, but that gives me an excuse to include another Odd Couple clip below.  Bonus:  It also serves as a farewell to Betty White.

One Step Beyond – Echo (06/02/59)

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Paul Marlin appears dazed and confused in the California courtroom where he was just found innocent of murdering his wife.  I saw that same look after the verdict in the OJ Simpson courtroom, except it was on Marcia Clark. [1]

Marlin’s lawyer recommends he get out of town for some rest.  He still wants to know who killed his wife.  Maybe he should have hired Perry Mason.  He would have gotten Marlin off, found the real killer, and manipulated the evidence just to be sure. [2]

In the hallway, they are approached by a journalist named Ferris — the old fashioned kind of reporter that didn’t go to Harvard, leaves the office, wears a felt hat, and reeks of cigarettes and whiskey.  He asks Marlin how he feels about being “let off.”

Marlin says to Ferris, “You’ve gone so far out of your way to twist and distort everything I’ve said since my wife’s death, I see no point in even trying.”  Say, maybe he is a modern journalist.  

Ferris suggests the trial was rushed through, that the victim’s brother was kept from testifying, and that Marlin killed his wife in cold blood for family money that was in her name.  Marlin socks him in the jaw, and it is one of the best screen punches I’ve ever seen.

Marlin takes his lawyer’s advice to get out of town.  He takes a bus, so I guess that family money has not come through yet.  He gets a nice 3rd floor walk-up for $6 per night — coincidentally, the current price of that bottle of water in your room that has sat there for five years because no sane human being will pay $6 for a bottle of water.  Don’t think so?  Ever seen an expiration date on a bottle of water?

That night, Marlin sees a vision in the mirror of a man with an awesome, awesome moustache firing a pistol.  He seems very unnerved by this.  And, regardless of who the man was, and whether he had a gun or a so-so moustache, who wouldn’t be?

He goes to a nearby bar and downs a few shots.  The man from his vision enters.  Strangely, the man asks the bartender for change for the cigarette machine, and hands the bartender change for the change.  This is further emphasized when tries to pay for his scotch with giant bills that have Sauron’s picture on them.  The man apologizes about the currency and says he just got off the plane from New Zealand.  Overhearing about the NZ money, Marlin realizes this is his wife’s brother, Roger!The man thinks he recognizes Marlin and pulls out a photo. [3] He approaches Marlin, who panics and runs out of the bar.  He goes back to his room and discovers his brother-in-law’s luggage there, including a Luger.  

The man returns to Marlin’s room and confronts him.  Marlin is so panicky and sweaty that the man has to be pretty dense not to see what is going on.  Marlin says everyone thinks he killed his wife.  He accuses Roger of coming there to kill him.  And, frankly, that is what the vision showed him.

Marlin breaks down completely.  Drenched in sweat, he admits he killed his wife for her money.  Then he shoots Roger with his own Luger.  Turns out Roger brought a letter that the late Mrs. Marlin had written to him.  She said she had never been happier.  She even planned to transfer her wealth to her husband’s name to show her love.

Well, this one was a mess.  Ross Martin was excellent as the panicky Marlin, but the pieces just don’t come together.  I can’t remember an OSB where the vision turned out to be wrong.  Usually the blast from the past breaks through to our reality to restore harmony or mete out some justice.  In this case, it just got an innocent man killed.

I guess this is supposed to be like The Twilight Zone where a little cosmic justice is beaten into a bad guy.  In this case, Marlin finally admitted he killed his wife.  So he will be punished for his evil act!  One problem in this scenario:  the only person who heard his confession is dead.  All Marlin has to do is get rid of the body.  

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  A more accurate reference would have been OJ’s stooge Robert Kardashian, but who wants to bring that family into it?
  • [2]  At least, that was my takeaway from reading a couple of the books (before realizing they don’t live up to the dames on the covers).  He always seemed to throw in some extra knives or whatever to obfuscate the evidence.  I never saw the TV show, but I assume he was more ethical there.
  • [3] THIS is the picture Roger carries around with him?  It’s from a newspaper, so maybe that wasn’t the first time he decked that reporter.  But why was the story printed in New Zealand?

Suspense – Suspicion (03/15/49)

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Tubi’s thumbnail synopsis which made me laugh

 

Enough of the funny stuff. On with the review . . .

Suspense continues its love of giant fonts, opening with a yuge newspaper headline: FOURTH MURDER VICTIM FOUND, ARSENIC POISONER STILL LOOSE.

We cut to George and Ethel eating breakfast.  There is not much to this scene other than to establish George is married to a much younger, pretty blonde.  She was an actress, but had a nervous breakdown when she saw the Dewey Defeats Truman headline 4 months ago.  Oh, and their housekeeper is Eleanor Roosevelt.  Well it is an easy mistake — she is very tall, er . . . stout, and not a looker. [1]

George takes the morning train work.  There are women talking on the train, but I can barely understand a word they’re saying. I expect that today, but this is 1949 and they are speaking English.  Actually the audio is rough in several sections.

One of them is reading the back of George’s newspaper.   I hear something about Brazilians.  George is irritated and refolds his paper.  The woman sees a picture of a woman named Anderson.  As best I can tell, she was a victim of the Arsenic Killer.

Eleanor is reading the paper when George comes home that night.  He has brought flowers for Ethel who is not feeling well.   Ethel says Eleanor is doing a great job.  George had been worried because she had no references.  Ethel says that is because she had been taking care of a widow’s mother “and couldn’t very well have references”. [4]  If the mother croaked, I don’t see how that prevents the widow from giving a reference.  Unless in 1949, you had to be a man.  Eleanor announces dinner is ready.

That night, Ethel calls 9-1-1, which got off to a slow start on rotary phones. [3]  Eleanor enters and Ethel tells her George is having a severe upset stomach.  A doctor comes, but is unable to find anything wrong with George that would cause the stomach pain or their separate twin beds.

The next morning he is well enough to do some gardening.  While looking for a trowel, he sees a can of Arsenic Weed Killer in the kitchen cabinet.  He has a full day, including going to a bachelor party that night.  He warns Eleanor he won’t be back until midnight. 

When he returns home, kinda tipsy, he finds a thermos of hot cocoa that Eleanor left for him.  He takes a sip, but it must not taste right because he spits it out.  He finds the arsenic can in the cabinet and sees the top has been removed after he replaced it that morning.  Thinking he has caught the Arsenic Killer, he pours a sample into a small jar.  

At breakfast the next morning, he makes excuses to Eleanor about why he is not eating.  He goes to a pharmacy to have the cocoa analyzed.  Busted!  That deranged monster Eleanor gave him instant ! Also, it is laced with arsenic.

He rushes home to make sure Ethel is OK.  Why didn’t he just call her cell?  Oh, yeah.    He is relieved to find her in good health.  Just as he is about to tell her that Eleanor is the killer, Eleanor enters and says the Arsenic Killer has been caught.  Maybe not the most reliable source for that bit of information. [5]

Oh God! I knew marrying an actress I was getting an out-of-touch, brain-dead, arrogant zombie diva who lectures me on things she knows nothing about, but murder?

George realizes it was Ethel who tried to kill him.  He asks why, and she says, “Can’t you eat one piece of toast, can’t you eat one meal without me having to hear you digest it?”  Seriously.  

Ethel seems to have another nervous breakdown [2] as she maniacally confesses to murdering her rival for an acting part.  We hear the police that George had called on Eleanor.  Ethel says, “George, how could you?”  Yeah, how could he?  He obviously had access to a phone to call the police.  Why didn’t he use the phone to warn Ethel?

The “early days of TV” excuse is wearing thin.  Citizen Kane was made 10 years earlier.  The suspense in this one was a little more formulaic than last week, but it did have a twist.  Not very good, but I grant the series another week to get on its feet.  

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  Eleanor Roosevelt, Michell Obama, and Melania Trump are tied for tallest First Lady at 5’11”.  Eleanor just looked taller because she often stood next to a guy in a wheelchair.
  • [2]  You never hear about nervous breakdowns anymore.  I think it was replaced by “exhaustion”.  Although just for actors, never for farmers, coal miners, or ditch-diggers.
  • [3]  Even worse, England used 9-9-9.  
  • [4]  That makes so little sense I admit I must have heard it wrong.  But dang if I can make it sound like anything else.
  • [5]  Wait a minute.  Eleanor announces that the killer was caught, which proves to George that she isn’t the killer.  But wouldn’t that same logic also exonerate Ethel?  To be fair, Ethel then gives herself away when George says he had the cocoa analyzed, and she says, “How dare you!”
  • Ernest Truex was in 2 memorable Twilight Zones: Kick the Can and What You Need.  Sylvia Field played Dennis the Menace’s mother.
  • I say again, whoever invented the block system for WordPress should be in Hell

Tales of the Unexpected – Royal Jelly (03/01/80)

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We join apiarist [1] Albert Taylor as he is inspecting his bee-condos.  He takes the roof off of one and samples the honey while he talks to the bees as if they understood English; you know, like a dog does.  And kudos to the actor (Timothy West) who appears to have done this himself and risked ending up like Nicolas Cage in the Wicker Man.  And by that, I mean becoming an object of mockery and ridicule, not being stung.

White Condos for his Bees

In the house, Mabel Watson is trying to feed their new baby, but she won’t eat.  Albert is not too concerned even though the baby weighs 2 pounds less than when she was born.  He is more interested in the local news because is appearing on a segment tonight.   

He tells the “journalist” he built his first bee-hive when he was twelve to hide porn and now has six acres of bee-condos filled with porn.  He is a local legend because he never wears protection, yet has never been stung by a bee or gotten the clap.  When he was a kid, he let the bees crawl over his face and hands.

Upstairs, the baby is wailing.  Mabel is distraught over her baby’s condition.  For some reason, she is lounging about gratuitously sporting a lavender condo for her own B’s.

Lavender Condo for her B’s

On the telly, Albert is talking about the titular Royal Jelly.  It is secreted by bees like milk is secreted by mammals.  It is fed to some bees for only three days, but a queen gets it for her whole larval life.  This allows her to increase her weight by 1,500 times in five days.  The “journalist” suggests a 7.5 pound baby would balloon up to 5 tons.  Hmmm, I wonder . . .

Albert has the same idea.  He goes up to their bedroom where Mabel is crying and the baby is still shrieking.  He wheels the bassinet to the spare bedroom and tells her to rest for twelve hours.  He will take care of the next feeding.

Mabel wakes up late the next morning and finds Albert working on the beehives.  He has the baby out there with him which seems dangerous.  He had no trouble getting her to eat.  Mabel is thrilled that she already looks healthier.  

That night, Albert proudly admits he has been sneaking Royal Jelly into the baby’s bottle.  Mabel is pissed.  He says it “keeps people young, makes their hair grow.”  Which, of course, makes you wonder why he isn’t spreading the stuff thick as avocado on his toast. 

But wait, he then says he drank it and it increased his fertility so he could finally knock Mabel up after 9 years.  So why is he bald?  I guess that is explained by the hair seen peeking out of his shirt cuff.  OK, so his arms are hairy.  Like a bee. 

He has also started interrupting his speech with random bzzzzzzes.  Hmmm, they do know that a bee’s buzzing sound is made by its wings, right?  It is not them talking.

Mabel looks at the baby and is horrified to see it has turned into a giant grub.  Well, she has to be horrified for all of us because we don’t get to see it.  The frame freezes and a very cheap and pointless video effect prevents us seeing anything.  Viewers got a better payoff at the end of Rosemary’s Baby.  We saw tiny hands gripping a weapon, the emaciated frame, the crazy eyes, the satanic hair — and that was just Mia Farrow! [2]  Heyyoooooo!

So it certainly was another episode.  Susan George is always welcome, and becomes the hottest Mabel since The Man with Two Faces. [3] How this beauty ended up with a dumpy balding guy 16 years older than her is another story — and one I would study like the Zapruder film.  The story is very simple, and the ending becomes pretty obvious (although it could have been the amazing colossal baby instead).  Robbing the viewers of that shock was just criminal.  

Other Stuff:

Science Fiction Theater – Facsimile (12/21/56)

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On the morning of the 16th of September, an ambulance was summoned to pick up Dr. Camp who fell ill in the research department of the Cooper Electronics Corporation.  He was the second person to collapse in the past 2 hours.  At the hospital, the two scientists are diagnosed with appendicitis and ileitis. [1]

Hugh, the director, thinks it is just coincidence.  Dr. Bascomb is not so sure.  He believes their groundbreaking work on transistors might have been sabotaged.  To prove this, he takes Hugh to “the computing machine.”

He types in the odds of appendicitis = 1 in 24, blocked intestine = 1 in 2,000,000, one year = 365, and two specialists in a department of four.  The odds of the 2 men being stricken at the same time are calculated to be 55 billion to one — the same odds that the writers ever took a statistics course — there’s yer coincidence!

Hugh realizes both men got sick in the lab, and Barbara is in there now.  They are concerned to find the woman on the floor without a scrub brush in her hand.  She is diagnosed with a brain injury and is partially paralyzed.  She must go into surgery immediately.

George asks the doctors how three people could have gotten so sick.  There is no radiation in the lab, no poison, no Indian food.  Dr. Stone goes to the lab with George and Hugh.  They check the air, the chemicals, and the light frequencies.  They get a call that the two sick men were in surgery, but it was discovered that their appendix and intestines were fine.  Barbara is still in a coma, though.

They detect an electronic wave permeating the lab.  They rig up a direction-finder and trace the signal to the hospital and a room where Dr. Schiller is running electronic experiments.  They can’t figure the connection, though.

They hear a SHREIK, which unintentionally prompts the funniest moment in this series:

George:  “What’s that?”

Dr. Schiller: (very unconcerned)  “Oh, that’s a patient.  The surgery preparation room is right above us.”

They go to the head nurse [3] and see that other patients went in for surgery for appendicitis, ileitis, and brain surgery at the same time each of the three people were stricken in the lab.  Turns out Schiller’s equipment was reading the pain of the patients in the operating room above him.  Somehow.  And then transmitting the signal all over the city.  Somehow.  And the new super-sensitive transistors were picking it up across town.  Somehow.   And the transistor made the three people sick if they were standing near it.  Somehow.

They decide to test the theory by looking at the oscilloscope in the lab while another patient goes in for surgery.   The hospital lets them know when another poor sap is wheeled in.  George tells Dr. Stone not to stand near the oscilloscope during the test.  Oh, for the love of God, the oscilloscope isn’t causing the illness, the transistor is!!!

And, by the way, where is this butcher shop that induces such pain in the operating room that patients regularly scream and psychically broadcast their pain?  Don’t they use anesthetics at this chop shop?

They watch the oscilloscope go crazy as the surgeon slices into the poor bastard.  Dr. Stone says, “Do you realize what you’ve got here?  A device to see pain visually!”  Yeah, I’m looking at it, pal.

Barbara wakes up from her coma and doesn’t even complain about the guys calling her “Bobby” throughout the whole episode.  George proposes to her now that she is no longer paralyzed from the waist down, despite there having been no suggestion of a relationship up to this point.

After last week’s gem, this was bound to be a let down.  Still, they did surprise me a couple of times.  First, they actually named the corporation where 2 employees nearly dropped dead, and Second, it was not Amazon. [2]  The rigging of the direction-finder was cool (and did not rely on micro-changes in air density).  Then the boyz took a little road trip with their new toy.

Better than the average SFT, but that is one low-ass bar.

Other Stuff:

  • Title Analysis: The three people who were carried out of the lab had only the symptoms (or facsimiles) of their diagnosed ailments.  I’m not clear on how that is better.
  • Apologies to the fictional family of Dr. Hargrove who I rolled into Dr. Stone.
  • [1]  Inflamed or blocked intestine.
  • [2]  Would also have accepted:  Foxconn.
  • [3]  The head nurse did not have much of a part.  She is worth a mention though, because she played old Geena Davis in A League of their Own, and because of her IMDb picture.