The Crew (2016) — Like hot Russian babes? Like airplanes? Like devastating earthquakes that unleash torrents of deadly lava and incredible waves of fire at an airport killing and maiming thousands? What the hell’s wrong with you! After a very poorly structured first act, this Russian film gets down to some serious action and effects. Freevee.
American Auto Season 1 (2021) — Very funny mash-up of Veep and The Office that I had never heard of. This seems impossible to anyone old enough to remember the fat Fall Preview issues of TV Guide. Or TV Guide. Peacock.
She Said (2023) — Two New York Times reporters take down sexual predator Harvey Weinstein. Of course, being Hollywood, they make sure to start the movie off focusing on Donald Trump and Bill O’Reilly. Funny, no mention of Matt Lauer, Bill Cosby, Kevin Spacey, Charlie Rose, Bill Clinton, or Joe Biden. So I guess sexual harassment is serious . . . but the agenda is more important, girls. They even got the guy from SNL to do Trump’s voice in this dramatic movie. Is it possible to be aware of your own lack of self-awareness? Peacock.
Amber Alert (2012) — Couple sees the car from an Amber Alert and pursues it because 1) they are idiots, and 2) the cops are idiots. I watched the whole thing before realizing I already watched it in 2013 because I’m an idiot. I didn’t find it as perfectly awful as other reviewers, but that was largely due to a cute leading actress. Amazon.
Swamp Thing (1982) — Perfectly fine monster B movie that we could use more like. But you’ve missed an opportunity when Adrienne Barbeau’s most distinctive feature is her awful helmet hair. To be fair, there is a gratuitous topless scene that I had forgotten, but it has been 40 years. Tubi. [UPDATE: My memory is intact. This is the European cut (the topless scene, not the hair)]
D-Railed (2018) — This is the holy grail: a movie I’ve never heard of, actors I’ve never heard of, few critical reviews, half star and one star audience reviews at Rotten Tomatoes . . . and it blew me away. From the opening seconds, it was clear this was different. The actors and characters popped liked I have rarely seen. The story went places I did not expect. Highly recommended. Freevee.
The Dark Knight Rises (2012) — Amazing that a movie can be this good and still only third best of the trilogy. Hulu.
Sick (2022) — Home invasion in the time of COVID. Great start builds enough goodwill to keep you watching through 20 meh minutes and the introduction of an unexceptional cast. About 30 minutes in, it takes off and never slows down. The cast even grows on you. Good times! Peacock.
The Stairs (2021) — A hunter and his grandson find a pristine set of stairs in the woods. Competent, but lacks Sick’s style and next-level commentary. What were the stairs? A portion of something poking through from another dimension? Why was there a steam plant below them? Why is there English writing in the steam plant? How were they not discovered for 20 years despite clear paths in the woods around them? What are the entities that seem to be corporeal yet defy physics? How do the stairs stay clean? Why a time distortion? I like a little mystery, but this gives us nothing to work with. Tubi.
The Six Million Dollar Man (1973) — Banged up Test Pilot Steve Austin (OG, not Stone Cold) is given a bionic arm, two legs, and an eye. He is sent on a mission to rescue a prisoner in some desert country who turns out to be dead . . . so he rescues another rando. WTF would the script include this pointless switcheroo? Fine 1970’s TV movie sci-fi action Velveeta, but back then anything involving astronauts was cool. If you want to see what sixty million bucks look like, check out co-star Barbara Anderson. Peacock.
Night Court Episode 1 & 2 (2023) — For some reason, I had a good feeling about this. I guess because the teaser was the first time I had seen John Larroquette in 30 years, and the guy is still awesome . . . even with some iffy material. Melissa Rauch, as the new Judge Stone, seems nice but miscast. I must say, the rest of the cast is not uniformly dreadful; they are varying degrees of dreadful. I’m not just trolling. Each one of them, in their own way, is stunningly terrible. But sometimes things improve greatly after the pilot (that first The Office was a stinker), so I’ll be back. Peacock.
The Menu (2023) — Could have used a dash more of the energy that was in the trailer. For example, the arrangement of the tables with couples always in the background of each other was just begging for some camera shenanigans, but we got nothing. It was oversold as a comedy and/or horror, but really was neither (pronounced neether). Still, it was an enjoyable film, just not in the expected ways. Anya Taylor-Joy is lovely, but if her eyes get any further apart, she won’t have to look both ways to cross the street. PPV.
M3GAN (2023) — Yet another theater screw-up: They showed a 3-D preview before this 2-D film. This film is further proof Hollywood also has no idea what they’re doing — not because it is bad, but because it is good. If they can make the ancient killer-doll trope fresh again, why do they produce so many crummy movies? Theater.
Plane (2023) — God-awful poster:
- Terrible Title
- What’s with the urine filter?
- Once you notice Gerard Butler’s ear, you can’t unsee it.
- Nit-picky: Butler changes out of his uniform long before they get the machine guns.
But the film is the thing and it is a lot of fun. A jet with 14 passengers including an escorted murderer goes down in the Philippines. Not jokey like Commando or Olympus has Fallen, but it works. Theater.
The Magnificent Seven (1959) — Well, 2 magnificent guys, 2 you really like, 2 you’ve kinda heard of, and Brad Dexter. The M7 protect a Mexican border-town overrun by illegal gringos. WTF? Tubi via QT. **
The Thomas Crown Affair (1968) — Another Steve McQueen joint. Rich guy plans elaborate bank heists for kicks, but where is the story? The “genius” heist is fairly mundane, insurance investigator Faye Dunaway does no investigating, suddenly this time the bills can be traced. I see little evidence of McQueen’s “cool”. He smokes slim cigars, has an effeminate cackle, and does it to get back at “the system”, maaaaaaaan! But as a rich polo-playing elite businessman who loots the masses due to higher insurance premiums to cover his thefts, leaving less capital to fund employee benefits, and taking his tax-free cash off-shore, he is the system. Tubi via QT. **
Pacific Heights (1990) — Young landlords Matthew Modine and Melanie Griffith try to evict psychopath squatter Michael Keaton. SPOILER: They learn that in San Francisco, criminals have all the rights; they can’t oust him no matter what he does. Very suspenseful because it seems perfectly plausible in a city under authoritarian one-party rule since 1964. CON: Freevee has censored GD and the F-bomb. PRO: First Dan Hedaya sighting of the new year! Freevee.
Collateral Damage (2002) — Schwarzenegger’s family is killed in a terrorist attack in Los Angeles so he goes to the country actually responsible, kicks ass, and wraps it up in a week. Too bad this was not released pre-9/11 so our government would have had some clue how to respond. Lesser-Arnold, to be sure, but much better than the 19/27 at Rotten Tomatoes suggests. Tubi.
Silence of the Lambs (1991) — Classic. Tubi.
Hannibal (2001) — Was Julianne Moore really that terrible, or is it just because I watched this immediately after seeing Jodie Foster play Agent Starling in Silence of the Lambs? The film gets off to a godawful narrative start when she is punished for the action of a local cop who she specifically ordered to not shoot. And she does not defend herself? Well, goodbye, Clarice. The movie overcomes Moore due to the skillz of Anthony Hopkins and director Ridley Scott. Tubi.
Tár (2002) — All 157 minutes of it. Cate Blanchette is hypnotic as an abusive orchestra conductor. Strangely, as a plot verrrrrry slooooowly begins to emerge, the film becomes less interesting. When Blanchette is simply conducting or teaching or being interviewed or just eating, you can’t take your eyes off of her. Less, in this case, is more. Oh, and maestro . . . love your suit! Peacock.
The Horserace: Netflix’s one year suspension is up for review in February. They were banished after wasting millions of my money on the Obamas who won’t do a goddam thing to earn it (much like his 2009 Nobel Prize). Ditto for royal parasites Harry and Meghan. And, I like Dave Chappelle, but $20M a show? How about take some of that loot and buy a few English-language horror flicks, for a change, to dishonestly slap your “Netflix Original” logo on? Or sponsor 20 student films? Or revive Skinamax’s lost legacy — less Cuties, more patooties!
** The “via QT” label means the movie was suggested (not necessarily recommended) by the great book Cinema Speculation by Quentin Tarantino.