Twilight Zone – Wordplay (10/04/85)

tzwordplay10Comedian’s comedian [1] Robert Klein is trying to learn about his company’s 67 new products in one week.  To be fair, one of the new medical products is a sphyg-momanometer.  OK, that’s a mouthful, but are they saying that a medical equipment vendor did not already sell sphygmomanometers? That and malpractice insurance would seem to be the first two items on a doctor’s shopping list.  OK, it really is too perfect a word not to be used in the script.

He was up until 2 am studying and even had his manual in front of him as he shaved. The first hint of things to come is when his wife refers to their child’s doctor as Dr. Bumper.  This is a great introduction into the story as it is unusual and jarring, but is a conceivable surname.[2]  Also it reminds me of Dr. Beeper.

Klein goes out to his car.  Oddly, he walks past the sports car in the driveway and goes to the family truckster station wagon to drive to work.  His neighbor tells him his dog just had five puppies.  He adds, “That’s quite a few for a small dog like an encyclopedia.” Klein calls him out for using the word encyclopedia, but his neighbor is just as confused that Klein doesn’t seem to know that the dog is an encyclopedia.

tzwordplay24At the office, a few individual words are randomly replaced with other unrelated words.  Experience becomes mayonnaise, anniversary becomes throw-rug, lunch becomes dinosaur.  He goes home for dinosaur and his wife asks him to look in on their son whose cold is getting worse.  She then actually says dinosaur and Klein accuses her of being in cahoots with people from the office.  He presses her to define lunch.  She is getting concerned, but tells him that lunch is a color — sort of light red.

Back at the office, the word replacements are becoming more frequent.  Soon, people are speaking in entire sentences of random words.  I was happy to see they followed the logic and people could no longer understand Klein either.  Although since from their POV, he is the only one acting strangely, you might think they’d be concerned he was having a stroke.

Even his name has been replaced — awesomely, he is now Hinge Thunder.  Finally arriving at his desk, he is surrounded by people speaking these randomly replaced words and understanding each other.  His isolation is perfectly captured by his phone ringing.  It is very easy to empathize with him and his dread of answering this call which he knows will be incomprehensible to him.  When the caller begins, “Timber, Hinge . . . ” and continues on, Klein flees the office.  He doesn’t even use the restroom because he doesn’t know whether to identify as an oven-mitt or a baklava. [4]

tzwordplay29At home, his wife is very upset but her husband can’t understand what she is saying, just like men everywhere.[3]   Upstairs, he finds his son is very sick, so they rush him to the hospital.  The emergency room has no idea what he is saying, but his wife is able to get help for the boy.  Klein feels helpless as he awaits an update.  He couldn’t help his son, now he can’t comfort his wife.  The doctor comes back with good news — at least judging by his wife’s reaction.

That night he begins leafing through his son’s picture book realizing that he will have to start over.

I love the concept, and the execution was great.  I would have liked a few more throw-away gags like the Fasten Step-Dad warning light in Klein’s car, but that’s just looking for trouble. That said, it would have been nice if it went to another level.  There is really no effort to tie his new vocabulary at work to this phenomena.  His age gets a mention, but only as aside — he’s only 42, after all.  Certainly he would like to be better understood at the hospital to help his son, but his wife is right there so there is no real tension or danger.

tzwordplay31So, there really was no irony, nothing learned, no twist, no comeuppance, no cruel fate.  I really enjoyed the episode, but if they have dumped most of the original series’s tropes by the 2nd episode, it does not bode well for the future.

I rate it & out of #*.

Post-Post:

  • [1] Definition:  A comedian that no one thinks is funny.  See also Colin Quinn, Lenny Bruce, Jonathan Winters, etc.  Note that the late Garry Shandling was labeled a comedian’s comedian’s comedian thus circling around to be funny again.
  • Hey, look at me — I’m a blogger’s blogger!
  • [2] One site says there are 46 people named Bumper in the US, but I’m dubious.  In fact, I’m Joe Dubious.
  • [3] I had to identify as a woman for a few seconds to type that.  Back now.
  • [4] It’s hard to distinguish the jokes in such  wacky episode.  Of course, it’s probably difficult in the non-wacky episodes, too.
  • The neighbor is played by Robert Downey Jr’s father, Efram Zimbalist Sr.
  • TZ Legacy:  Feels like there is something, but I just can’t place it.
  • IMDb and YouTube (clip only)

Fear Itself – Something with Bite (01/03/09)

Veterinarian Wilbur Orwell is watching a news report about the parking garage murder that opened the show.  He is oblivious to the goop squishing out of the donut [1] onto his white shirt.  Should it concern me that there is a nice white bakery carton of pastries on the table?  It is breakfast — did someone go all the way to the bakery and bring them home that morning? [2]

On the plus side, the donuts are well used to a) make a nice transition from the bloody previous scene, 2) provide a little humor, 3) introduce his son, and 4) establish Orwell as a lazy slob.  So it’s nice to watch an episode where someone is using their head.  I could have done without his wife’s twerking in front of the TV.  But to be fair, only about three women in the world can pull that off.

Orwell goes about his day with the soul-crushing ennui of an iPhone assembly line drone:  dog with ear infection, lizard with worms, dog with stomach virus, rabbit with diarrhea, cat with hemorrhoids, dog with erectile dysfunction.  At 2 PM, his day gets more exciting as a trucker brings in something that was hit by a car but not quite roadkilled.

The trucker thinks it is a bear.  But then BJ thought his chimp was a bear.  What is it with truckers and bears?  Orwell tells him it is not a bear; he thinks, maybe a dog? Whatever it is has a name tag that says Michael.  As Orwell is wrestling to hold it on the table, it swats his cute assistant Mikayla away and takes a chunk out of Orwell’s arm. The beast dies but doesn’t turn into a human, so at least we know it isn’t a werewolf.

The next morning, Orwell is baffled by his suddenly heightened sense of smell  He first notices it sniffing his wife; maybe it was all that twerking.  At breakfast, donuts play another pivotal role as their overwhelming sweetness are now disgusting to him.  At the office, he re-examines the thing brought in yesterday.  He notices that it has pierced ears and a filling [3].  An older couple, the Dougdales, come to the office wondering if maybe their uh, Michael, was hit by a car and brought in.  They ask for the body to give it a proper burial.

That night, he checks his arm and finds that the bite has healed already.  He then goes into convulsions and turns into a . . . ohhh, I guess it was a werewolf after all.  The next morning, the TV news is covering another murder.  Well, that seems to be a nightly occurrence, but this time Orwell’s bedroom window is open and he has tracked muddy prints back to his bead.  And his wife says he was a “beast” last night.

Orwell discovers that the Dougdales are werewolves and that it was their son Michael who was run over by the truck.  The screenplay was written by Max Landis whose old man wrote and directed An American Werewolf in London.  While that was a fun film, it had one of the most abrupt, underwhelming endings in movie history.[4]  I was worried Max was going to follow in his father’s footsteps.  I should have known from the quality of the episode so far that I was in good hands.

After his cute assistant Mikayla is attacked, Orwell’s new mad olfactory skillz lead him to the real killer.  It is a creative sideways turn, going the extra mile that most TV shows can’t be bothered with.  Aided by an excellent set of performances, this turned out to be a great episode.  The fact that it is rated 8th out of 13 in the IMDb ratings just further taints the credibility of that list.

Post-post:

  • [1] Donuts is in spellcheck, but donut is not.
  • [2] You can tell they didn’t come from Dunkin Donuts because they were not packed upside down with the icing stuck to the bottom of the carton.  You can tell they aren’t from Krispy Kreme because they aren’t glazed.  Enough with the bloody glazed!  Nobody likes glazed donuts!
  • People who bring glazed donuts to an office are the same ones who bring vanilla ice cream to a party.  Sure, no one buys it for themselves, but they are scared to get anything remotely exotic for other people.  So vanilla is the #1 seller and they think it is because people like it.  It is a viscous circle.
  • [3] If that is a silver filling, another standard werewolf trope is ignored.
  • [4] Bang.  Werewolf dead.  The end.
  • Ernest Dickerson directed the 2nd to last episode of Dexter . . . talk about dodging a bullet.

fibite68 fibite69

Tales of Tomorrow – Plague from Space (04/18/52)

totplaguefmspace03We join Colonel Ward as he is taking a swig of booze at his desk.  He is so drunk he only sees 48 stars on his flag.  He is agonizing over men killed and equipment destroyed. They happened under his watch, so he expects to be relieved of his command when the General arrives.

A flying saucer was picked up on radar a few minutes ago and has now returned.  It is flying at 70,000 feet and going 2,000 MPH [1].  The Colonel’s response is a) do his duty and take a defensive posture to protect the nation in case it is hostile, or b) attempt to peacefully contact it, establishing a friendship which could benefit all mankind, or c) observe it and learn more of its construction and technology, or d) tell his men he ain’t running no planetarium here — in fact anyone reporting it will be busted in rank.

“That’s all I need when the General gets here — my best jets off chasing a meteorite!  No thanks!”  It would be pretty stupid to scramble jets as, by definition, a meteorite would be on the ground.  After being updated that the object is flying in 100 mile arcs [2] and reducing speed, Ward concludes this is no meteorite — he now thinks it is a missile, and maybe even in the air!  When it approaches for a landing, Ward orders that it be taken to hangar 7.

totplaguefmspace04

Captain Stillman was right — this view is awesome!

Wanting to assess the threat, Ward diverts all incoming flights to another base.  This includes the incoming General’s plane.  The General is not amused and immediately orders another officer to the base to take command.  I wonder if Ward will let him land.

The craft is hauled into the hangar and an unimpressive group of soldiers examines it. There is an inscription on the nose and a cryptographer determines that it is Martian.  This is pretty embarrassing even for Tales of Tomorrow — how the hell could they arrive at the conclusion that it was Martian?  Was there a Rosetta Meteorite that I never heard about?

Colonel Ward orders demolition to open up the craft.  Fortunately, they discover a bit of advanced technology known as a door.  On the inside, they discover a Martian.  He is dressed in a silver suit which matches his silver skin and silver head.  It does clash a bit with the shadow of the TV camera as it zooms in, but how could he have foreseen that?

totplaguefmspace18The Martian is taken away to be examined.  Ward receives word that the doctors examining him all dropped to the floor in convulsions. Some of the men from the hangar have been affected as have men all over the base.  The doctors did determine that the Martian is just an silver ape, with no higher brain functions. Ward makes some pretty good deductions that the Martian was sent here as a living host for viruses that would decimate Earth — germ warfare.

Ward explain the threat to his skeptical Lieutenant, “Don’t you get it?  These babies don’t belong to the UN!”  So they might actually be effective.  And, did he really say “babies”?  I played it several times.  It sure sounds like “babies”, but that is some pretty swinging lingo for a military officer in 1952.  Of course, he was tossing back the hooch earlier.

27 more men are infected.  He tells his aid to order an air-drop of “every available concoction here as soon as possible.  Serums, anti-toxin, antibiotics, the works!  Throw the whole medical book at them!”  After meeting with the doctor, Ward deduces that the real Martians are the germs that the silver guy was hosting.  They have now fled the silver ape and invaded the bodies of the humans.

His men continue dying until there are only 13 survivors out of 2,000.  When one tries to flee the quarantined base like Charles Campion, he is shot down.  Seeing no alternative, Ward orders an atomic strike on the base.  Even though he was tossing back the hooch earlier.

Another meh episode, but surprisingly sophisticated for this dopey series.

Post-Post:

  • [1] I guess that was impressive in April 1952 when the record was 670 MPH.
  • [2] Whatever the hell that means.
  • Scotty from Star Trek is in here somewhere, but I could not pick him out.
  • IMDb and YouTube.

The Veil – Girl on the Road (1958)

An Edsel cruises by a sporty little number by the side of the road.  Her stalled car is also pretty sporty [1].  John Prescott takes a look under the hood.  Not seeing a big on/off switch, he is as baffled as I would be.  Unlike my typical situation, however, the first words out of Lila’s mouth are not “I have a boyfriend.” Thinking maybe she is just out of gas, he dips a stick in her gas hole. He finds it bone-dry so pushes her car literally an additional 2 inches off of the road, crumpling her license plate.[2]

They head over to the Roadside Inn for a couple of martinis.  When Lila sees the bartender making a call and hears the name Morgan Debs, she tells John they have to leave.  She makes him drop her off at a garage, but tells him to meet her at Lookout Point at 9:00.

That night, John parks at Overlook Point.  Soon, Lila emerges from the trees.  She tells John she has always loved this spot.  “It is here that I brought all my problems, here that I came to celebrate my small triumphs.[1]”  But one night something terrible happened, she says. Just then, wheelchair-bound Morgan Debs (Boris Karloff) rolls up.  He’s in a car, but veilgirlroad18he still rolls up; just not in the wheelchair.

John goes to Debs’ car.  Debs tells him the woman he was to meet here will not show up; that she agrees John should go on his way.  John tells the old man that Lila is here with him now.  When he looks back at the car, though, it is empty.  John dutifully goes to the police station. The sheriff is no help, so John goes to see the mechanic where Lila took her car.  He also knows nothing.  The trip isn’t in vain though as John gets clubbed senseless.

When he awakens the next morning, he takes the inn-side road back to the Roadside Inn.  He roughs up the bartender to get Lila’s address.  He goes to her home and is welcomed in by Lila’s mother.  She says Lila is in her room upstairs and goes to get her.

While waiting, John looks at a photo of Lila.  He is shocked when he sees Morgan Debs roll in to the living room; although less shocked than if he had been in the car again. Debs admits he ordered his chauffeur to beat him.  Then he reveals that Lila has been dead for three years.  She drove her car off Lookout Point killing her and leaving Debs in a wheelchair.  veilgirlroad08Debs produces some old newspaper clippings that describe Lila’s death.  Judging by the 5,000 point font, she is apparently the only person ever to die in this town.

Debs says this happened once before.  She appeared at the site of her death, then disappeared.  He says he had hoped this time would be the end of it.  Well how does he know this isn’t the end of it?  Lila’s mother was driven mad by her daughter’s death. That explains why she claimed Lila was upstairs.  Having the crazy-lady live in a 2-story house with her caretaker in a wheelchair seems to be just asking for trouble.  “I’ve fallen and you can’t get up.”

John describes the Triumph that Lila was driving.  Debs confirms that was her car, but says it has been lying at the base of Lookout Point for three years.  John goes to see for himself and finds the Triumph with the same crumpled license plate; though covered by cigarette butts, whiskey bottles and used condoms.

Pretty dull outing made entertaining by the lovely Eve Brent.  Sadly her scenery-chewing co-star Tod Andrews gets much more screen time.  She really is something special though, as is the TR3.  Otherwise, it is just another retelling of the old urban legend. Maybe not so old at the time, but that won’t help current viewers.

veilgirlroad57

There was also a dude in this episode

Post-Post:

  • [1] A 1955 Triumph TR3.
  • [2] Lila’s license plate is LK-333. For such a random set of characters, it shows up in a lot of places: Swatches, toilet brush wallmounts, hand lotion dispensers, art, real estate, and padlocks.
  • Written and directed by George WaGGner, screenwriter of The Wolf Man.
  • IMDb and YouTube.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Morning After (01/11/59)

ahpmorningafter02I was immediately befuddled on this one.  Ben Nelson and Sharon Trotter pull up in front of her mother’s apartment.  Maybe this is one of those things like the riddles that reveal what a sexist pig you are.

Seeing Sharon on the driver’s side [1] my first thought was great, another bloody English episode.  Still not prepared to accept a woman driver, my next dopey thought was Holy crap! There’s no steering wheel in front of that guy — what a dumb oversight by the prop department.

My brain finally accepted that Sharon is driving.  In my defense, however, that was probably pretty rare in chivalrous 1959.  I would also submit to the jury that it makes no sense for her to be driving.  They are arriving at her mother’s apartment where she is going up to have dinner alone with Mom.  So why is Ben there at all if not to drop her off?

Anyhoo, skipping the first 3 seconds of the episode . . .

Ma sees Ben and Sharon out of her window.  She disapproves of their relationship because Ben is married.  Probably also because he is 21 years older than her daughter, and only 3 years younger than her.  Or maybe because he foolishly put all his assets in his wife’s name.

ahpmorningafter13When Ma expresses some sympathy for Ben’s wife, Sharon continues, “His house, his factory, his invest-ments, everything.  And she’s not going to let go of it.  Now do you understand what kind of woman she is?”  [sexist remark redacted — maybe that riddle was right!]

The next day, Ben is surprised to get a visit at work from Sharon’s mother. She asks Ben to stop seeing her daughter because he is ruining her life.  He says he thought she was old enough to make her own decisions, and that he wants nothing more than to marry her daughter.

That night, he rats out Ma’s visit to Sharon.  Sharon is starting to get nervous now as they have been dating for a year and Ben has done nothing to free himself up.  She worries about losing him “because she has no protection.”  You know, like the assets they want to bilk his wife out of.

Ma then goes to see Ben’s wife.  Mrs. No-Name Nelson [2] is pretty accommodating to this stranger who has taken a long bus trip to see her for reasons unknown.  She pours them a couple of glasses of ice tea in pilsner glasses.  Mrs. Nelson recognizes Sharon’s name, but doesn’t seem to know about her husband’s cheating.  Ma finishes wrecking the home that Sharon was working on.

ahpmorningafter11That night, Mrs. Nelson confronts her husband.  She is willing to give Ben “his freedom” but nothing else.  Turns out the aforementioned assets were left to her by her father, so the fact that they were in her name makes sense.

Sensing that she can still do more damage that night, Ma goes to Sharon’s apartment. While Sharon is changing, Ma answers a call from Ben.  Not realizing he is speaking to Ma, he says his wife is dead and tells her the alibi she must give to the police to protect him.  She is to say he was in her apartment from 6 to midnight.

Ma tells Sharon about the call, saying that Ben spoke so fast, she didn’t get a chance to say who she was.  Sensing a way to protect Sharon, she relays the opposite message — that Ben wants her to say he wasn’t here all evening.

OK, that is a great twist, and certainly nails Ben — but how is Sharon so dumb that she doesn’t see the problem?  She is going to provide an alibi for a murder suspect by saying he was NOT with her at the time of the murder?  Don’t alibis usually work the opposite way?

This is a pretty somber affair, but has a few things going for it.  Although a little slow and talky, the story has a lot going on.  Yet, there is also a leanness to the simple story that makes it effective.  Robert Alda is great as Ben — yet another AHP poser who will get what’s coming to him.  I’d like to see some stats on how many wives were killed on AHP.

Jeanette Nolan was especially good as Sharon’s mother.  She had to be concerned for daughter, reluctant in visiting Mrs. Nelson, then distraught at the pain she has caused her, and conflicted at lying to Sharon.  Even as she is spreading the truth, she reflects a horror and self-loathing at knowing she is intruding, that this has hurt Mrs. Nelson and ultimately killed her, set the wheels in motion that led Ben to resort to murder, and denied Sharon the chance to be happy with Ben.

Post-Post:

  • [1] Things I will never remember if I live to be 100:  In a car, is the left and right from the driver’s POV or the guy about to be run over?  Also, which is ectomorph vs endomorph?
  • [2] Portrayed by Fay Wray who has a history of being involved with big apes.
  • AHP Deathwatch:  No survivors.
  • Title Analysis: No idea how they came up with this.
  • Dorothy Provine (Sharon) was in It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World where, in a cast of thousands, she was the only one to have no funny lines.
  • There’s Got to Be a Morning After.
  • IMDb and Hulu.