Twilight Zone – One Life, Furnished in Early Poverty (12/06/85)

tzonelife02Once again, this segment is like being the best synchronized swimmer at the high-dive event.  Or maybe it’s nothing like that, but at 1 AM that’s as close as I’m going to get.  It is a fine story and Peter Riegert is very good in it despite being a little over-the-top in a few scenes.  It’s just not the Twilight Zone.  Sure, time travel is a standard TZ trope, but it is buried in such sentimentality here that it loses its edge.

Big-shot Hollywood screenwriter Gus Rosenthal is both awoken and awakened at 6:00 AM by a caller from New York who doesn’t grasp the whole time-zone thing.  He gave a lecture the previous night and his fee is apparently even higher than Hillary Clinton’s as he walked away with an actual human being.  Sadly the groupie is so poorly lit, poorly made-up, and poorly cast that he might have been underpaid.  After getting some bad news from back east, he decides to go back to his childhood home in Ohio.

He arrives the next night by cab, presumably from the airport.  Poking around the lawn of the abandoned house, he finds one of the toy soldiers he used to bury as a kid.  This snaps him back 30 years.  This would put him in 1955, but his snappy new suit and the music now coming from the house seem pretty 40s-ish.  Peeking in the window, he watches as his young self is punished for stealing a comic book.  His parents realize that a crime like that could lead to bigger things; like peeking into people’s windows.  He then gets the most listless spanking in history.

tzonelife06The next day, young Gus is running from some bullies and runs smack into Gus Prime (let’s call him just plain Gus).  His future self scares the other kids because he “looks like a G-Man.”  Gus later sees young Gus stealing toy soldiers in the drug store, but says nothing.  He the sees young Gus being roughed up by the bullies and chases them off.  He takes young Gus home and meets both their dads . . . or both their dad . . . or the dad of both of them.

The next day adult Gus stops by young Gus’s house and tosses a baseball with him.  Then they go look at comic books, get ice cream, and play with toy soldiers.  Later, adult Gus reads to young Gus from a sci-fi book while on the swings, and wrestles with him on the front lawn.  I take it back, this might be the creepiest TZ ever.

The Gusses’s father comes to grown-up Gus’s hotel room that night then we get the gooey scenes where they explain why they act as they do and they are able to talk as equals rather than father and son.  All in all, it does not equal Ray Kinsella throwing a couple of baseballs.

There is a revelation and it is not that Gus shouldn’t be wearing that same suit for a week.  Walking to young Gus’s house, Gus finds him sitting in a hole that he dug.  This one is big enough for a real soldier, but that also not the revelation nor is it even commented upon.  Gus suddenly remembers when he was a kid, he was also visited by himself.  He realizes he is the cause of most of his own problems, but ain’t that usually the case?  He shifts back to the present.  He must have only been gone a short time because his flashlight is still shining, he has no beard, and local dogs did not eat him.

Once again, an OK segment that is just not what I’m looking for.

Post-Post:

Twilight Zone – The Beacon (12/06/85)

Icon of cool, Charles Martin Smith is wearing his flat cap, Member’s Only jacket, and driving his VW Cabriolet. Also, he is Charles Martin Smith.[1]

His car fails to proceed, so he pulls over to the side of the road.  There is steam shooting out of the radiator, so I’m guessing leak?  His car, like mine, lacks the big ON/OFF switch under the hood that other guys seem to know about.  He grabs his suitcases out of the backseat and starts hoofing it.  After only a few steps, he encounters a sign reading:

PRIVATE PROPERTY

KEEP OUT

ABSOLUTELY NO SOLICITORS

OR TRESPASSERS

Not entirely clear on the meaning of the ambiguously-worded sign and padlocked gate, he slips between the barbed wire.  Before the opening narration is complete, he arrives at a beautiful cove with cliffs and a lighthouse overlooking the water.  Or maybe he is visiting the art gallery of the local maritime museum because he is in front of the most obvious 2-dimensional seascape rendering I have seen since I went to the art gallery of the local maritime museum.

He walks to the town which seems very 19th century, with dirt roads, sage brush growing here and there, and the Bellweather General Store.[2]  The dark store appears to be closed, but he knocks on the door.  Proprietor William Cooper-James reluctantly lets him him, but warns him there are no phones here.  Despite having been closed, this is Bellweather’s biggest day of the year as 10-year old Teddy (a 10-year old, not as weird as he will be later, Giovanni Ribisi) then comes in.  Smith introduces himself as Dr. Barrows, but Teddy doesn’t know what a doctor is.

tzbeacon13Barrows inquires about a room but of course there are no hotels here, what with the sign, barbed wire, and padlock having really taken a bite out of the local tourism.  Young Teddy, showing just how detached from reality this town really is, offers this strange man a room at his house.  As they leave, Teddy says to Cooper-James, “May the Beacon pass you by.”

Teddy’s mother lets him in, as is the town custom, reluctantly.  Dr. Barrows offers to take a look at her sick daughter Katie, but she declines.  Shortly after he settles in, the titular lighthouse beacon sweeps across the community scaring the citizens like Sauron’s eye.  Their reaction is reasonable as the light stops on Teddy’s house and his sick sister takes a turn for the worse.

Dr. Barrows checks out the girl.  Like all TV doctors on vacation, he travels with his medical gear and is a mobile pharmacy.  Teddy is now worried that maybe it was Katie’s time to die and “now it will be like we disobeyed it.”  They look out the window and see the townspeople approaching there house to see who will die.  They are carrying lanterns despite the house being swathed in a 4-billion watt light.  Teddy explains that the lighthouse “just picks a house.  Then shines a light on the house and somebody dies.”

Dr. Barrows is having none of this and gets Teddy to take him to the lighthouse.  Along the way, Teddy explains that the Beacon “protects and guides and keeps us happy”.  Well, except for the ones it kills. Cooper-James tells Barrows the story of Seth the lighthouse keeper 200 years ago.  Everyone in the town is descended from him which might explain some of the weirdness.  When ships started going to other ports, possibly due the sheer 100-foot cliffs along the shore, Seth taught the people to live off the land.  Years later, on his deathbed, “Seth decided that he just wasn’t going to go.”

tzbeacon17Yada, yada, Barrows doesn’t buy the story of how Seth’s spirit inhabited the lighthouse, and how it protects the townspeople.  Because he saved Katie from death, the town sacrifices him to the Beacon.  They close in around him, he screams, the Beacon goes out.

Everything was fine as far as it went, but it just seemed to leave too much unexplained.  Seth’s story is a little underwhelming.  Is Seth even real or is Cooper-James pulling the strings? Either way, I can imagine this being fleshed out into a really good movie with a little more time.  We get a little The Village, a little The Lottery, a little Harmony, a little Children of the Corn, but with secluded small towns, there is going to be overlap.  Charles Martin Smith has an everydweeb quality that makes him very watchable.  Martin Landau is always solid.  The womenfolk weren’t given much to do.  Giovanni Ribisi had not yet acquired that weirdness that makes him interesting.

I rate it 75 watts.  That’s not great, but I consider the roll from last weeks episode to be continuing.

Post-Post:

  • [1] Actually, for directing the first episode of Buffy, he gets a lifetime Cool Pass.
  • [2] Short for general merchandise store.
  • Classic TZ Legacy:  Martin Landau was in two episodes.  This was really more of a Night Gallery episode, though.

Science Fiction Theatre – Stranger in the Desert (05/07/55)

notpictured01

“Ethernet doesn’t have a valid IP configuration.” What the hell?

Truman Bradley tells us how physicist Antoine Becquerel worked with Pierre & Marie Curie to first extract Radium.  But this not their story.

A couple of uranium prospectors in a jeep are pulled over to the side of the dirt by the sheriff. He tells them 7 men have been killed in this area in the last few months; 200 if you include radiation sickness.  After checking their gear and — God bless America — firearms, the Sheriff sends them on their way.

As they drive up the mountain, the Geiger Counter starts clicking.  They see an eagle on the ground that seems to be the source of the radiation.  Sadly the bird is dead.  The prospectors throw a blanket over the dead corpse and decide to “keep him for luck”.

They throw the eagle in the Jeep and it not only comes back to life, it is no longer radioactive.  They get the bright idea to use the eagle as a Geiger counter.  This is a great idea except unlike a Geiger counter, you must feed it, keep it from flying away, listen to it squawk, and have it shit on your arm all day.  Oh yeah, and you have to check it with a real Geiger counter to see if it is radioactive.

They find what they believe to be a $10 million deposit of uranium.  They decide to file a claim on it, but notice a miner’s shack nearby with smoke billowing out of the chimney.  They grab their guns and kick in the door.  Inside they find a man named Ballard calmly tending to some plants.  He claims to be a naturalist, not a prospector.  He tells the men that the spot they found does not contain uranium, but some other form of radioactive energy.

Nevertheless, one of the men goes to file the claim while the other keeps an eye on Ballard,  He continues working on the plants which he plans to “take home.”  His home is lacking these life forms that breathe carbon dioxide and produce oxygen.

200 years before the Weyland-Yutani shake and bakes, this sets up an interesting premise that I suspect not many people in 1955 had ever considered — terra-forming.  Unfortunately nothing is done with this intriguing premise.  Nothing.

In fact, such a nothing is done with this that I have to wonder if the episode is complete.  It only runs 22:25 on YouTube whereas some episodes run 3 – 4 minutes longer.  They had everything going for them — a mostly exterior setting, an eagle, interesting actors, and a great premise.

Having all that and blowing it earns them a rating of Death Valley.

Post-Post:

  • Meh.

Outer Limits – Last Supper (01/31/97)

notpictured01

“Ethernet doesn’t have a valid IP configuration.” What the hell?

From the intro:  “Events in our past seem to slip further away with time.”  Well, duh.

Star athlete Danny Martin brings his new girlfriend home to meet his parents.  She is named Jade as are all mysterious Chinese women on TV.  This is also a coincidence of Lou Gehrigian proportions as she has freakishly green eyes.

Awkward:  Danny’s father Frank immediately recognizes her as a girl he tortured 20 years earlier when he was in the army.  He remembers her screaming in pain while strapped to a chair.  I took an immediate dislike to Frank (Peter Onorati) because he has one of them butt-chins. [1]  Also for torturing a cute girl, but mostly the chin thing.

Rather than try to avoid being recognized, Frank begins making the usual small dinner-table talk about where she is from, if she has ever been to Virginia, if she ever had a car battery clamped to her nipples.  While Danny and Jade go upstairs to fool around, Frank has another flashback.  Turns out, he was merely a witness to the torture.  He was standing guard as Doctor Sinclair injected her with chemicals to test her blood.

Shockingly, eight minutes into the episode when they are alone, Jade tells him his memory is correct.  Quite reasonably, however, he assumes she is the daughter of the girl who was experimented on.  At that very minute, in a nearby town, a scarred Dr. Sinclair sees her in a news clip with Danny as he has just been MVP of whatever sport he plays.  Sinclair thought he was the only survivor of that explosion at the lab.

Not a good night for the Martin men.  Frank’s past has come back to haunt him.  Then after dinner, Danny’s mother — let’s call her Carol — tells him that he and Jade will not be sleeping together under her roof.

Frank again flashes back to that night.  When Sinclair and his staff take a torture break, he enters the operating room to see the screaming girl.  She begs him to let her go.  Frank is caught by Sinclair as he is carrying Jade to safety.   Through a freak accident, a gunshot sets off a gas tank [2] and explodes Frank and Jade right out the 2nd floor window like Darkman.

When Frank and Jade are alone again, he asks her if he is her father.  Poor Danny is cock-blocked for the second time as Frank says she can’t be with his son because he would be her step-brother!  OK, maybe he isn’t quite as prudish as Carol since “step-sibling porn” is decades in the future.[3]  She finally tells him that she is the girl he saved in the lab.

She says she is centuries old.  When she was a teenager, the Black Plague swept through her village in northern Spain.  Wait, were there Chinese people in 14th century Spain?  Did they live in Chinapueblo?  Is that why there were no cats around to catch the disease-ridden rats?  OK, settle down.  Jade even shows him her portrait in a book of paintings from the 18th century English Romantic Period, reasonably thinking the Cubist book would offer little proof of her identity.

After she goes up to bed, Frank again thinks back to that rainy night night long ago, when he rescued the beautiful girl from sadistic doctors . . . when, scared and alone, they found comfort in each other’s arms . . . where they hid out in an abandoned warehouse . . . and how he banged the shit out of his future daughter-in-law.  Carol asks if he is coming up to bed.  He fortuitously has the art book in his lap, and says he’ll be along soon.

He goes upstairs alright, but takes a detour to Jade’s room — they sure seem to end up alone a lot.  This time, she takes the opportunity to show him a crescent wrench shaped birthmark that he would surely remember 20 years later.  She drops her top and he touches it, just below her bare breasts.  And . . . in walks Danny.  No, now this is awkward!

Frank tries to explain, but Danny punches him out.  When Carol comes down to see what is going on, Danny immediately rats his father out.  Jade comes downstairs and pleads for everyone to listen to her and Frank’s story.

Dr. Sinclair breaks in and ties everyone up at gunpoint.  He hooks an IV up to Jade to get some of that magic blood.  The blood does clear up his complexion, but it goes further, transforming into a younger man, a boy, a baby — I guess a fetus would have been a little too pro-life, so the baby just devolves directly into a puddle of goo.

At least this proves to Carol and Danny that Frank’s and Jade’s story was true.  The next morning, Jade goes out to wait for a cab.  As his parents watch from a window, Danny goes out and kisses her.  So I guess everything is alright, but these are going to be some tense-ass Thanksgivings.

There was very little science-fiction to be had here.  In fact, it seemed more like one of the recent melodramatic 1980s Twilight Zones.  Somehow, it works though.  Maybe it was Sandrine Holt’s performance as Jade and some solid directorial choices.

I rate it a medium well-done.

Post-Post:

  • [1] Seriously, I can tolerate only about five people on this list.  It would have been six, butt they somehow left off the most famous butt-chin in motion picture history.
  • [2] Just as in Halloween II.
  • [3] I read somewhere recently that the most searched term in porn is now “step-sister”.  Of course, trying to find the original article just returned a million porn sites in Google.  Two hours later . . .
  • Title Analysis:  I think I get it.  This was literally the last supper this family would have before their relationship was changed forever.  But is the dinner itself really that important?
  • Well-directed by Helen Shaver, previously seen in The Sandkings.

The Hitchhiker – Last Scene (03/25/86)

hitchlastscene1Enough with the shots of guys’ sweaty sex chests.  This time it is somewhat less odious as on top of the layer of sweat, there is a layer of topless blonde.  Also because the guy is credited as “Bad Lover.”  The blonde sends him packing; and not in the good way.

Immediately after he leaves, the phone rings.  She asks who it is and the caller replies, “Charlie.  Call me Charlie” in a creepy breathless voice, which is not how I remember the commercial.  He continues, “I’m watching you.”  She spins around to see the condo facing her room.  After her recent performance, there ought to be a dozen faces against the windows.  He says, “I’m always watching you,” as he lowers the binoculars.  We see that he is taking no chances — over the phone, in another building, he is still wearing a mask to hide his identity.  He then opens a switchblade.  The scene it is not staged well-enough to demonstrate that she is actually seeing him rather than reacting to the sound on the phone.  However, there is still some residual goodwill from the boob-scene, so no problem.

hitchlastscene2She let’s out a scream and the camera pulls back to reveal she is on a monitor being drooled over by another three guys.  Inexplicably, the picture quality of her scene on the monitor is far superior to the picture quality of the rest of the episode.  How is that even possible?  Why didn’t they apply this same technology to the boob-scene, or even — crazy talk — the whole episode?

Sadly, the blonde actress Leda Bedell is not much of an actress.  She was forced on first-time director Alex Nolan by his producer.  The producer accuses him of making an “artsy-fartsy film” when it is clearly the standard humorless melodrama that Cinemax specialized in.

As Alex watches her rehearse the last scene of the movie, her male co-star Duncan has a hissy fit because she “is not giving me what I need.”  Alex chews him out and takes Leda into his office for a little private rehearsal, and maybe what he needs.  Fortuitously, they were shooting the death scene which includes a long kiss.  After the smooch, there is a very effective fake-out.  Kudos on that anyway.  She agrees to meet Alex for dinner that night.

hitchlastscene4As she is getting ready, there is a knock at the door.  A man with the same mask hands her a dozen roses.  The door closes, and when she looks back in the hall 2 seconds later. there is no one there.  The roses are still there, however, with a card that says RIP.  In her parking garage, she sees Duncan and accuses him of being flower-guy.  On the way to the restaurant, she sees the man in the mask following her on a motorcycle.

Alex is late, and Leda accuses him of being motorcycle-guy.  She thinks Alex did it to coax a good performance out of her.  There she gets a phone-call at her table from Charlie.  That night she gets another call from Charlie and sees him across the street in a window.  For a change, a woman in the movies does the sensible thing and calls the police. She goes with them to the apartment where he appeared, but there is just a harmless old man living there.

The police leave her downstairs.  As she goes up to her apartment, she sees the masked man in the stairwell. He starts swinging the switchblade, but she is able to get away and get to her apartment.  As she leans against the door, the knife plunges through right next to her head.  The masked man begins breaking through the door and . . . son of a bitch if they didn’t trick me again!

hitchlastscene5After shooting a scene, Alex repeats something the masked man said, so she runs away.  She discovers a mask in his office, so takes off.  That night, Alex gets a call,  “I’m watching you, always watching you.”  He turns and sees Leda wearing the mask in a window across the street. She continues, “Let’s do the last scene for real.”

They meet in a disco.  Alex admits he was the man in the mask.  He pre-recorded the phone-call.  He used fancy Hollywood make-up to pretend to be the shorter, older man across the street.  Their confrontation is very effective with Leda wearing the mask on the back of her head.  It is surreal to see her dancing that way, and when she spins around face-mask-face-mask.  She gets her revenge and does so is a logical way that calls back to an earlier scene.

There is so much to like here.  It is impossible to tell whether LaGena Hart is a bad actress or is effectively playing a bad actress, so I will give her the benefit of the doubt.  Peter Coyote is always good.  The script takes just enough turns, and the final face-off is visually arresting.  Unfortunately, that deadly 1980’s vibe is a wet blanket over the whole episode.

Still, it manages to be pretty good.

Post-Post:

  • Thus starts the first post of The Hitchhiker – Vol 1.  The fact that they went all the way to Season 3 for the first episode does not bode well.
  • Directed by Paul Verhoeven, later to make RoboCop, Total Recall, Basic Instinct and oh . . . Showgirls.
  • Writer Robert Avrech wrote an earlier episode which may show up later according to the logic of this set.  He also wrote the screenplay for De Palma’s Body Double.
  • Bad Lover guy is actually married to LaGena Hart.  He was also Roy Munson’s dad in Kingpin.