Category Archives: TV

Science Fiction Theatre – Killer Tree (01/04/57)

Posted on by
1

Now there’s a title with potential.

My, Barbara Cameron is quite the chatty one.  She appears out of nowhere yammering to her husband Paul about a local ghost story.  Then she moves on to the titular killer tree.  Supposedly there is a treasure buried under it.  But if anyone comes looking for the treasure, they die.  Paul has no interest in her folk tales.  He and Clyde Bishop need to run some tests in the desert.  The trio zoom away in the jeep with Barbara yapping away.

Hey, wait a minute.  I’m getting a Sun Gold vibe here (the SFT episode, not the Medical Marijuana).  The drive-away and fade with her still talking was a deliberate, well-constructed gag.  I can spot one a mile away; usually a mile away from here.  I see Sun Gold’s director Eddie Davis also directed this episode. According to the book whose title is too long to type here, but is now shorter than if I had just gone ahead and typed it, both episodes were filmed concurrently to make use of the desert location and port-a-potty.  

While running their tests, they see an old man collapse from heat prostration. [2] He says his partner Frank is dead and a killer tree did it!  He tells the same story after he is rehydrated and on his feet, but from about 5 feet higher.  Barbara wants to know where the tree is, but Paul says they have to go finish their testing.  

Paul gives in when she says they shouldn’t leave the old guy stranded in the desert.  They don’t seem to care much about leaving his mule, though.  So he (not the mule) takes the fourth seat in the jeep, although strangely three of the seats are in the front, and directs them to the tree.  

They find it and Barbara takes some pictures.  She is startled when she sees a skeleton near the base of the tree.  She calls her husband and Clyde over to see the skeleton. The old man even wanders over.  Have a f***ing picnic, why don’t ya!  They know this is the killer tree, right?

They all walk away, but in a bizarre edit, Paul is suddenly unconscious on the ground.   Again, Barbara calls Clyde and the geezer over into the circle of death.  They are able to drag Paul to safety.  

However, once Paul is back on his feet, they again go into the perimeter of doom.  They observe that insects that fly seem to be ok, but insects that crawl on the ground are subject to the killer tree.  They determine it is Carbon Dioxide, rising from a petroleum reserve below the tree. 

It goes on with the old guy staking a claim, then being killed by the tree.  Our heroes bring in fancy equipment and discover that the tree sits on top of an active volcano, so I guess they were wrong about the oil.  They lower cameras into the ground on a “coaxial cable” and are able to see magma and Cinemax.  They hail this as a breakthrough in the study of seismology and simulated sex that will save thousands of lives.  [2]

The episode ended up being a let down, if such a thing is possible with SFT.  It started well and had a good pedigree.  However, it did not warm my heart like Sun Gold (the Medical Marijuana, not the SFT episode). There was a ‘splosion, but not the sense of mystery or adventure. The lead actress was another spunky, short-haired blonde but . . . let me check — yeah, she’s dead . . . a lesser knock-off of her Sun Gold counterpart.  Once the mystery is solved, there is really no point in continuing, but it does for another 8 minutes. 

You know, once you’ve opened the Ark — just shove it in a warehouse. 

Once you have the Sankara Stone — just put it back in the igneous trophy case. 

Once you find the Holy Grail — just ride off into the sunset. 

Once you return the Crystal Skull to the improbably narrow shoulders of an alien — just flee from the temple losing your greedy idiot turncoat pal who was the worst character in the series and watch a terrible CGI rendering of a UFO that should never been part of this movie and go to a wedding of a couple who haven’t seen each other in 20 years and where the bride was probably abused as a child by the groom and suffer through the nauseating threat that Shia LeBeouf is going to be the new Indiana Jones. [3]

Notes:

  • [1]  Hey, it’s TVs Fred Ziffel, from Green Acres!
  • One of the gang says the Carbon Dioxide is “penetrating a strata of rock.”  C’mon, you’re a scientist!  Fred Ziffel would have known strata is plural!
  • [2]  Sadly, Skinemax seems to no longer be a thing.
  • [3]  Going on a 10 year old memory, so it might have been very, very diff worse.
  • Note to self:  Register Sun Gold as name for new Medical Marijuana brand.  Step 2: Partner with Rold Gold.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Coming, Mama (04/01/61)

Posted on by
5

Middle-aged Lucy [1] & Arthur have cut short a date that I don’t even want to think about.  Old-aged Mrs. Evans meets them at the door.  Stone-aged Mrs. Baldwin, Lucy’s mother, had some sort of episode while Mrs. Evan was visiting.  Lucy and a doctor were summoned — not like Dr. Jill Biden, but an actual doctor who helps the aged and infirmed.  So, I guess, yes like Jill Biden.

The doctor is a strangely-cast pusillanimous sort, when a solid authority figure was needed.  However, I do believe him when he says Mrs. Baldwin was just faking to get some attention from Lucy.  He advises Lucy to stop allowing her mother to control her life.  Despite his diagnosis that there is nothing wrong with Mrs. Baldwin, he gives Lucy some medicine for her mother.  He warns her that only one teaspoon should be used — any more would be dangerous.

What’s with the medicines on these shows that are actually killers?  In real life, you would never see a doctor prescribing some treatment that was suspected of doing more harm than good.  Why, he would have to be some fame-obsessed quack who facilitated the creation of the illness, lied about its source, and was caught in repeated lies about mask efficacy. [2]

She sees the doctor out.  There is a fire in the fireplace, which is really the best place for it.  But where did it come from?  I don’t think Arthur started just it.  Mrs. Evans was just visiting.  Mrs. Baldwin is bed-ridden upstairs.  And what kind of word is fireplace, anyway?  It is very cavemanesque.  Ummm, fire place!

But I digress, and probably bore.  Arthur agrees with the doctor that Lucy needs to get out from under her mother’s thumb.  He reminds Lucy that they aren’t children, just 40 year old virgins.  He says he wants to marry her, but won’t wait forever.  He says, “I want your answer tomorrow.”  Nothing in between — just tomorrow or never.

Lucy takes her mother some tea.  She apologizes for ruining Lucy’s date, but Lucy accuses her of not being sorry at all. She tells her mother, “I am 34 years old!” even though actress is 42.  She worries that she will be stuck here forever with her mother.

Lucy tells her mother about Arthur’s ultimatum.  Her mother says good riddance!  Lucy accuses her of not wanting her to be with any man.  Mom says Arthur is only after her money.  She dares Lucy to accept Arthur’s proposal, but to also tell him that her mother is changing her will to leave her money to Jerry’s Kids.[3]   Not the Muscular Dystrophy Assoc., but Jerry Lewis’s actual kids that he screwed in his will.

Lucy admits she is afraid to do that.  She shouts at her mother, “Look at me!  Why would anyone want to marry me?”  Her mother says, “Everyone can’t be a great beauty.”  Lucy storms out in tears, saying, “I have been by myself long enough!”

I felt bad immediately upon seeing a young Eileen Heckart in this episode because my first thought was, “Wow, she was always homely.”  Then I read her bio on IMDb: “Versatile, award-winning character actress Eileen Heckart, with the lean, horsey face and assured, fervent gait . . . “  Then the script piles on her in a manner usually reserved for Hitchcock’s daughter, Pat.

That night, Lucy purposely gives her mother two tablespoons of the medicine and it kills her.  WTF is in that stuff?  She learns that her mother’s loot came from an annuity which ceases upon death.  Arthur also seems stunned at the news, but not incriminatingly so.

After, or maybe during, their honeymoon, they visit Arthur’s mother who lives “way out in the country”.  For the 2nd episode in 3 weeks, we have a woman getting married without meeting her husband’s mother.  Let this be a lesson, ladies.

His mother is bed-ridden just as Lucy’s mother had been.   Her infirmity is legit, though, as she took a header down the stairs.  She says she is lucky to have Lucy to look after her now.  The old woman orders Lucy to make some tea.  Lucy tells Arthur they should get the doctor to prescribe something to make her sleep.  She walks to the kitchen with a knowing smile.

As Lucy, her mother, the writer, and the camera make clear, Lucy is not a looker.  However, Eileen Heckert knocked it out of the park in this episode.  You really do feel sorry for her as the lonely, trapped woman whose life is slipping away.  Don DeFore might seem like a schlub, but his decency and stability, at least in the beginning, are a credible antidote to her misery.  I’m not entirely sure how we’re supposed to feel about him at the end.  It feels like they want to say he manipulated this outcome.  But that would have required a lot of working parts, and is not necessary.

I appreciate that any other series would have been satisfied with having fate ironically doom Lucy to the same subservient role she thought she had just escaped.  Cheers to AHP for morphing her into a serial killer and smirking at the prospect!

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  That started me thinking about I Love Lucy.  Her husband was Ricky Ricardo.  Does that mean his name was Ricardo Ricardo?
  • [2]  This is not the place to come for accurate medical commentary.  That sort of analysis should be left to experts such as late night comedians, over-rated over-weighted has-been rockers, and our tyrannical social media overlords.
  • [3]  I see on Wiki that Jerry’s Kids was also the name of a punk band.  I’m assuming punk because that is a pretty punky thing to name yourself.  They make Dead Kennedys look like The Housemartins. [4]
  • [4]  I know nothing of their music but always admired the name.
  • For a more coherent review with actual facts and stuff, see bare*bones e-zine.
  • Not that anyone should care, but I cancelled Netflix today.  According to them, I joined in December 2002.  According to me, I watched 1,640 movies.  HBO MAX, you’re next!

One Step Beyond – Front Runner (06/09/59)

Posted on by
1

Ronnie Watson is in an oxygen tent in the ICU.  He tells reporter Tim Berryman he has incontrovertible evidence that Joe Kennedy is going to steal the election for JFK next year.  But the journalist really just wants to hear about the ghost story with horsies this woozy guy is telling with his last breath.

Ronnie recalls some years ago when, at 5’10”, he was the world’s tallest jockey (although that fact is not mentioned in the story).  He is having dinner with his pal, fellow jockey Sam Barry (a slightly more reasonable 5’5″) .  Ronnie’s girlfriend joins them.  Sam says tomorrow’s race is his last  He is retiring to open a bar in New Jersey where strangers would be welcome. [3] Oh, and he adds one other thing — he is marrying Ronnie’s galrita.  His what?  Oh his gal, Rita. [2]

Rita is 29 years younger than Sam and towers about 5 inches above him, so the jockey business pays a lot better than I thought.  Or they are drawn to the business because they have something in common with horses.

At the track the next day, Sam and Ronnie are neck and neck.   Later that afternoon, their horses are running even in the race.  Ronnie reaches over and tugs on Sam’s saddle cloth.  That is enough to throw his horse off stride.

Sam complains to the judges.  They are inclined to believe Sam since he is a veteran jockey with a clean record.  However, Ronnie points out that Sam had $10,000 bet on the race.  The judges let the results stand.  Sam socks Ronnie in the kisser and says someday the tables will be turned.

Over the next 10 years, Ronnie goes on to be a rich and famous jockey.  Sam is reduced to working for $10 per race south of the border, down Mexico way.  Ronnie tells his agent he is going to retire.  On the day of his last race, he sees Sam in the line-up.  As they are in the final stretch, Sam cuts Ronnie off and they both finish out of the money. [4]

This time, Ronnie complains to the judges.  They do not believe the story about Sam cutting him off.  Mostly because Sam died in a freak steeplechase accident in Uruguay yesterday, which is how I hope to go.  They even run a film of the race showing that Sam was not there.  In the footage where Sam’s horse veers off from the pack, they are alone.

C’mon, I’ll buy the occasional appearance of a dead colleague, or an image on a wall or in a mirror.  But riding a horse?  Before the race we saw a groom leading it to the gate.  Is the groom dead?  Is the horse dead?  Is the opera dead?  How about a horse-opera?

Cut back to Ronnie today in the ICU.  He is freaking out from the story he just told.  The nurse sedates him.  He asks if the journalist believes him, then dies peacefully.

I’m baffled by this framing device with the journalist.  It seems clunky and unnecessary. I’m not even clear why Ronnie is in the ICU.  He did not take a fall in the race.  Is this supposed to be many, many years later?  He looks like he’s been beat up, but he doesn’t look older.

On the plus side, either Alcoa was shelling out some big coin, or they appropriated some great film of the horse races.

Footnotes:

  • [1]  In comparison, Willie Shoemaker was 4’11’ and Eddie Arcaro was 5’2″.  That is every jockey I can name.
  • [2]  Blatant rip-off of the goonluca gag from Police Squad.
  • [3]  OK, this means nothing to you, but it reminds me of something a friend in college said.  It was hilarious, so clearly this is not the time or place to repeat it.
  • [4]  Link goes to “We’re in the Money” from Gold Diggers of 1933.  Yeah, it might seem corny, but wait for the close up of her singing in Pig Latin around 1:35.  It is impossible to not have thoughts of your great-great-grandmother that even your great-great-grandfather didn’t have.  Sadly, the focus-puller seems to have been pulling something else other than the focus.
  • I was going to mock writer Don Mankiewicz for being the black sheep in a family that included Joseph Mankiewicz and Herman Mankiewicz.  But he actually had a fine career.  Plus no one knows who the hell Joseph Mankiewicz and Herman Mankiewicz were.

Suspense – A Night at an Inn (04/26/49)

Posted on by
5

Want to vague that up a little more?

Sadly, what lies ahead is equally murky; an abyss, devoid of humor or purpose.  And that’s just this review.  Heyyoooo!

The maid is going from window to window in the Inn, closing the shutters on each.  Hey, get over yourself, no one is going to be peeking at you!  Well, maybe those four gangstas playing cards in the lobby.  And I mean “lobby” in the same sense that the Kramden’s had a “living room”.

There is a knock, and Boris Karloff instructs her to answer it.  A motorist asks for a room.  The Maid nervously says they are all booked up —  Perry Como [5] is in town and his posse of cardigan-wearing fans have descended on the city in their General Motors sedans and have rented rooms with toilets and showers like civilized people.  Thank God music fans will never degenerate to drifters, slobs and potheads.

She returns to the men and asks if they need anything else tonight.  Boris says for her to leave out 3 meat pies and 2 bottles of Claret [1], and whiskey.  She says, “They’re on the dresser” and quickly pivots to leave.  This raises several questions:

  • Who’s not getting a meat pie?  I don’t spot any likely vegans in the group.
  • Is there a dresser in the lobby?
  • Is the dresser in one of the rooms?
  • Are the guys all staying in one room?
  • Is there any point in continuing this episode?

Dull story short, the crew stole the ruby out of the eye of a statue.  They mention Bombay, but then the writer pointlessly makes up the country of Indostan.[2] So maybe he meant the gin.  Trigger Warning: One says they luckily “gave those dark devils the slip.”  

They go on and on in hammy, overbearing English accents about merchant seamen, not being able to sell the ruby because it was stolen from a temple, escaping Indostan,  betraying Boris, and the gender fluidity of Jo in Little Women.

One by one, 3 men with turbans enter the inn to retrieve the ruby.  I gotta say, I’m kinda on their side.  Boris and his pals did steal the jewel and smuggle a piece of their heritage out of the country like the Elgin Marbles or the Djibouti Jacks.  You can’t really do that and be the good guys without a cool hat and a kick-ass score by John Williams.

You know, soap and water will take care of a lot of that.

Sadly, all 3 of the Indostanleys are killed by Boris’s thugs. [3] However, then the statue itself appears and takes back his ruby eye which was inexplicably left on the windowsill.  It then hypnotizes the men to go outside, where they are killed.  Maybe that should have been Plan A.  The last to be lured out is Boris.  He says, “This, I did not foresee” which is a pretty good callback to an earlier comment by him.  

This was tough going.  As mentioned, the English accents were overwrought and difficult to understand.  The poor transfer did not help.  There was not much story even though is it based on a play.  Boris Karloff just isn’t very interesting unless he has bolts in his neck.  Maybe the worst feature was the intrusive organ [4] that seemed omnipresent.  It really was a parody of horror movie scoring.

So, a very dull outing.  I rate it a Motel 6.

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  Clatter per the closed captioning.
  • [2]  My guess is the writer didn’t know this was an actual word.  But it ain’t no country.
  • [2]  Upon a, literally, more sober examination, it appears to not be a word.  I think the definition I found earlier was just a rogue lexicographer. It does, however, appear as a place in the parable about elephant and six blind dudes.
  • [3]  Yes, I know.
  • [4]  That’s what she said.
  • [5]  Perry Como was yuge in 1949.  But the top song was Ghost Riders in the Sky by Vaughn Monroe.  Here is the version by Johnny Cash:

 

Tales of the Unexpected – Skin (03/08/80)

Posted on by
4

The story begins in 1946 France.  Drioli is a maison-less guy (and that’s about it for my junior high school French).

He scavenges through the garbage cans of French restaurants.  Or as they call them in France, restaurants.  He is disgusted to find snails in the garbage can!  What has happened to my life!  How did those disgusting creatures get there!  Call Le Health Inspector!  The chef chases him away.

In the window of “the finest gallery in Paris” he sees a painting by his old friend Saltine Soutine. [1]

Drioli remembers his friend back in 1913.  Oddly enough, he remembers a conversation he was not present at between Soutine and his model Josie.  No matter, Drioli shows up soon 30 years younger, cleaner, and probably smelling better.  Although, this is France so that’s not a given.

Drioli is happy because he just made a big art sale himself.  Nine, in fact!  Soutine mocks him because he is a tattoo artist.

We learn that Josie is Drioli’s wife.  You’d never know it the way she and Soutine are all over each other.  Dioli even suggests his friend should paint his wife nude.

Josie will have none of this.  She is a nice Christian girl. The two drunken men crudely chase her around the apartment.  The prim and proper Josie flees in horror. She is disgusted by their boorish behavior.  To even think a lovely girl like her would — oh dear, she’s whipped her tits out.

And not it’s not cheap, cropped American broadcast TV nudity.  They actually show one full breast.  She has one of Drioli’s tattoos — a butterfly — above her nipple.  Soutine goes in close for a look because who wouldn’t?  However, he also starts sucking her nipple.

This gives Drioli an idea, and somehow it’s not braining Soutine with a stale baguette.  He wants a picture of Josie that he will always have with him (but will never get to see?).  He asks Soutine to tattoo a picture of Josie on his back.  Drioli goes to get his tattooing tools.  Soutine and Josie start kissing when he leaves.

When Drioli returns, somehow Josie has gone to the hair salon in those 15 minutes and now has crimps in her hair.  Or maybe Soutine just gave her an awesome rogering while her husband was gone.  She poses, and Soutine starts painting the portrait of her.  After an intense session, Soutine finishes on Drioli’s back — coincidentally just as he did earlier to Josie.  Once the painting is done, he tattoos over it. He is so proud of his effort that he signs his name on it, also coincidentally as he did earlier to Josie.

Back in the present (i.e. 1946), the filthy, disheveled rue-person Drioli goes into the gallery to see Soutine’s work.  The hoity-toity art snobs look at him in disgust like he was Norman Rockwell.

As the elite crowd looks on in distaste, the gallery owner hustles him to the door.  He strips and shows the crowd his back, which would have been my reaction, too.   Oh wait, He’s showing them the tattoo.  Drioli says Soutine was his friend and he has a picture by him.

The owner offers Drioli 200,000 francs for the picture.  He will have the finest surgeon in France remove it, and bill it as a carbuncle.  Another man says that would kill Drioli.  However, this man offers him a life of luxury.  He just has to hang out by the pool at the Hotel Bristol in Cannes with his shirt off and keep his back shaved so she doesn’t have hairy ‘pits.

Drioli walks out with the man.  Eighteen months later, the tattoo is in the window of a gallery in Buenos Aires.  A voice-over tells us there is no Hotel Bristol in Cannes.

As usual with TOTU, I was bored by the first viewing.  Going back to fill in some notes, I kind of liked it.  The accents were a challenge since it was full of foreigners, which of course is what did in your League of Nations. [2] But I got used to the French and Russian accents.  Lucy Gutteridge of the vastly underrated Top Secret! is the only performer who really stands out.  Coincidentally, also the only topless woman.

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  The painting shown was actually painted by an artist named Chaim Soutine.  Painted in 1925, it is entitled View of Cagnes.  Oh yeah . . . and it is dreadful.
  • [2]  Major Frank Burns circa 1951.
  • Lucy Gutteridge was last seen on The Hitcher.
  • IMDb says she now lives on the Isle of Wight.  More like Isle of Lucy.