Category Archives: TV

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Schartz-Metterklume Method (06/12/60)

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Elderly Hermione Gingold gets off the train when she hears a local man yelling at his horse and whipping him.  I don’t know if she was considered a babe in her day, but her picture at IMDb makes me start to understand how they allowed Bette Davis [1] in front of a camera.  Ben Huggins is calling the horse an idiot and really is being brutal when Gingold demands that he stop.  When he refuses, she offers to buy the horse.

He asks an outrageous price of 10 pounds because back then horses were valued based on the # of pounds of glue they could be converted into.  Over the decades, the Glue-Book Value became known as the Blue Book Value due to 1934 translation error in Les Liaisons Dangereuses.  Hermione writes up a bill of sale with the stipulation that the man continues to use the horse in his work, but to “keep him well-fed and not over-loaded.”  The man is immediately more caring and leads the horse to a trough while he goes into the pub for a pint because you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.

Hermione notices the train pulling out of the station just as Mrs. Wellington pulls up.  She believes Hermione is their new governess, Miss Hope.  She says the old governess didn’t work out and that they wanted someone “more up-to-date.”  Although how that desire led Mrs. Wellington to hiring the ancient Hermione/Hope rather than a bonny young lass is a mystery, not least of all to Mr. Wellington.

On the way, Mrs. Wellington describes how she would like the children handled.  She expects the speaking of French, teaching of history, and lots of outdoor fleeing playtime.

Viewers smarter than Ben Huggins’ horse will notice there is a disconnect between the two women, but it is not clear exactly why.  Is Hermione just a stunningly impudent servant, or is there something more?  Watching at 2 am, I didn’t figure it out, but this created a great opportunity.  Once I knew the secret, rewatching this episode was even more entertaining.  So many of Hermione snarky comments and gestures are perfectly played once you understand the dynamic.

There is no point in tediously recapping every point . . . you know, like usual.  It is just a thoroughly entertaining episode cleverly executed.  I will just note of couple of interesting casting choices.

Patricia Hitchcock makes her final AHP appearance.  After a brief departure in The Cuckoo Clock, she returns to her customary role as the AHP maid, schoolmarm, spinster, or office nottie — in this case, a maid.  Three months later, she would play a secretary in Psycho whose plain looks are used for a laugh . . . by her father.  But really, sitting next to Janet Leigh, who wouldn’t look homely?

They also cast the Bates House from Psycho as the Wellington House.

Two of the children went on to work with the creepiest figures in science-fiction history — Veronica Cartwright with the titular Alien from Alien, and her sister Angela Cartwright with Dr. Smith in Lost in Space.

Other:

  • Special kudos on the final scene.  The outdoor setting and use of deep focus visually set this location apart from the Wellington House.  It is almost other-worldly.
  • [1] Ms. Davis’s URL is an impressive 0000012 at IMDb.
  • For more information about the episode check out bare*bones e-zine.

Twilight Zone – The Mind of Simon Foster (02/18/89)

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Simon Foster comes home to his apartment which seems to consist of one hallway.  However, it looks futuristic and has a videophone.  He has a video message from the unemployment office telling him his benefits have run out.  Since the current unemployment rate is 33%, this is going to be a problem.  OMG, these soviet-style hives, the enormous poverty, what century is this dystopia?  Oh, 1999.  C’mon, TZ, only 10 years in the future?  I expect more confidence in America from Canadians.

Simon puts a few items in a box and takes it to a pawnshop.  We see him walking over a bridge with a train passing underneath.  Is this intended to illustrate that he must walk because he can’t afford a ticket?  It is a strangely out-of-place shot since it is only 6 seconds, and the only outside shot.  For some reason, it had an effect on me.  Maybe because the rest of the episode is all interiors, maybe because it subtly conveyed information about the character, maybe because it explained the decision to only go 10 years ahead (no budget for a fancy 21st century train).  Sometimes it is the most insignificant things that catch my eye.

Quint the pawnbroker looks through the items and offers only $50.  Simon says the watch alone is worth that and haggles Quint up to $65.  Quint has an idea how Simon can make more money and leads him through a door marked PRIVATE.  Luckily there are no gimp shenanigans back there. Quint has an illegal memory-dipping operation.  People in 1999 pay to have other people’s memories implanted in their brain.

Bravo to TZ for adding some texture to the process.  Unfortunately, Control-C / Control-V memories are less vivid, washed out.  To get good, sharp memories, you have to do Control-X, or even better Control-XXX.  Unable to find a way to tax the process, the government has made it illegal.  Simon admits he has not had an exciting life, but Quint says ordinary memories are valuable too; just mundane life events like a soap opera.  Sadly he is ineligible for the really big money as he has no evil twin.

There is another nice futuristic touch when Simon goes home.  He slides a card through a device to unlock his door.  Nice; but even better, this alerts his landlord [1] to get on a speaker and threaten him with eviction if he doesn’t pay his rent.  It takes so little to add a little something extra to a story, why is it so rare?  The final straw is when a cockroach falls into Simon’s bowl of soup.  His desperation is perfectly conveyed, and heightened due to the viewer’s visceral reaction to the bug.  More congratulations to TZ for finally showing some signs of life. [2]  I look forward to many fine episodes in the years to come.  Oh, only 8 episodes left.

Simon returns to Quint’s shop.  He sells the memory of his high school graduation where he received the aforementioned watch as a prize.  Wow, who wrote this, a writer?  Despite his regret, he returns to sell a birthday memory.  Then, he sells the memory of his first steps — this guy has some memory!  Then a trip to the circus, and his first date.

Now with plenty of cash, he gets a new suit and an opportunity for a new job.  Unfortunately, he blows the interview because he can’t remember his skillz and experience.  Then he sells his first sexual experience, although the second was probably longer and worth more.  He immediately regrets this loss and demands Quint restore the memory.

The ending is a little muddied because it isn’t clear whether it is a happy or sad one.  It doesn’t feel set up as a dilemma.  It feels more like they couldn’t decide which way to go, so just ran it up the middle.  Regardless, it is a big, clear premise, the casting is great, and there are some surprises in the script.  One of their better efforts.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] When is the triggering word “landlord” going to be outlawed?  Really, calling back to a time when serfs couldn’t own land?  And mentioning the lord?  I feel very threatened.
  • [2] Even more amazing as this episode is from the director of Ray Bradbury Theater’s dreadful Banshee.

 

Tales from the Crypt – The Pit (11/30/94)

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Felix Johnson and Aaron Scott are on a talk show after their epic bout ended in a draw.  They seem like pretty good guys, but their girls — holy shit!  They snipe at each other and get bleeped.  It’s funny, but who is bleeping them?  Not HBO broadcasting TFTC.  Not the sports talk show that we are watching live.  But that’s a nitpicky observation.

We next see Aubrey Scott screaming at Aaron’s agent that he better start landing some Schwarzeneggarian parts or else!  And none of that Raw Deal or Red Heat [2] shit.  The conversation cuts to Andrea Johnson having exactly the same conversation.  And I mean exactly the same as the perspective changes in mid-sentence, although they do wimp out and pivot on a comma.

Fight promoter Wayne Newton is on the phone — wait, what?  Wayne Newton is a pompous, hammy, big-haired caricature.  Who cast this guy?  Some genius, that’s who!  He is a perfect addition to TFTC — what took so long?  He is enthralled when he watches the brutal Johnson-Scott fight.  The savagery increases when their wives are then separately interviewed.

Both are aggressively trying to land their husband the lead in the new Pulverizer movie.  Andrea calls Aubrey a slut and says if she wants to get her husband a role, it should be in Police Academy 10.  Aubrey suggests Andrea and her husband might be better suited to game shows than the big screen.  The host, who has a future on 1970s AM radio, says, “Be careful what you wish for guys, you just might get it!”  Well they didn’t really wish for anything, bub.  And if they had wished something evil for the other person . . . how would that hurt them?  And is it really so terrible to be in a long-running movie franchise or game show?  Neither one of these guys is going to be Robert De Niro (although both seem to have suffered fewer concussions). [1]

Newton has a great idea for the fighters — a Malaysian-Rules Deathmatch!  If that isn’t a real thing, it oughta be.  A lot of talking follows — most of it is from the wives, but isn’t that always the case?  But there is a lot of pretty brutal fighting, too — also from the wives.

Even though it took me 3 weeks and multiple sessions to get through it, I liked it.  The guys were fun even though it was clear that they were portrayed by actual fighters rather than actors.  The wives were so petty and scheming that I think they actually were actresses.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] It’s about class, not politics.
  • [2] Actually, I have seen neither.  It took me 20 years to watch Eraser and it was pretty good.

Outer Limits – Joyride (02/26/89)

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Kudos for setting this fictional Mercury spaceflight after the last actual launch rather than trying to shoehorn a fictional event into the timeline.  September 16, 1963 was 4 months after “Gordo Cooper went higher and farther and faster than any other American . . . and for a brief moment, became the greatest pilot anyone had ever seen.”  They even correctly name the capsule with a 7 at the end. [1]  No surprise that the whole space program is shown respect — this was not filmed in America, after all.

Unfortunately, Captain Harris’ flight is not as uneventful as Gordo’s.  He sees some purple pyrotechnics which approach, then engulf his craft.  He is forced to abort the mission.  Cut to 38 years later when he is in Washington still being questioned about the event.  He insists that it was not a blackout or space dementia.  He believes it was an alien intelligence trying to communicate.  His goal is to convince the panel that he is sane enough to go on a shuttle flight.

The panel is not likely to let a 74 year old civilian on an expensive flight where space and weight are critical factors.  Of course, if you are a 77 year old senator, your useless ass is welcome for a billion dollar joyride.  Luckily Carlton Powers comes to the rescue.  He is an Elon Musk type except he actually completes projects, and also doesn’t expect me to chip in at gunpoint on his products via my taxes.  Powers just happens to have a privately funded shuttle that is ready to fly.

Before the launch, Powers introduces the passengers and says they will be doing 31 orbits.  On board, we have Powers, Harris, newlyweds looking to join the 136 mile high club, a tabloid reporter, and Andrea Martin.  Wait, what?

When no one is looking, Harris sneaks a new disk into the ship’s computer.  This causes the ship to move to a 166 mile orbit — the same orbit where he saw the purple lights.  Even worse, when the pilot and Powers go to the cabin to check on a sick passenger, Harris locks himself in the cockpit.  Apparently being SPAM in a can 38 years ago is all the training you need to pilot a modern space shuttle.

Powers and the pilot retake the cockpit and subdue Harris.  He gets loose, though, puts on a spacesuit and blows himself . . . out the airlock.  Of course, the purple blob appears again.  There is a switcheroo, but it doesn’t feel like it really addresses Harris’ issues.

Still, I’m a sucker for space episodes.  I’m not sure I’ve ever seen one that was even partially set in the Mercury era.  At the time, TV seemed scared to portray reality (i.e. Viet Nam was never mentioned on Gomer Pyle, Twilight Zone never mentioned NASA, and I Dream of Jeannie couldn’t show her belly button or luscious breasts).  Later, I guess it just seemed too ancient to be exciting.  The Mercury Program I mean, not Jeannie’s rack.

So while it could have been tightened up, it was a fun ride.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] Technically, this should have meant all the Mercury capsules had an 8 after their name, ruining the timeline.  But that was really a Catch-22 in using an actual historical timeline.  No big deal.
  • They even refer to the Aspire 7 as a spacecraft rather than a capsule.  These guys clearly saw The Right Stuff, as all Americans should.  Even those in Vancouver.

Science Fiction Theatre – Operation Flypaper (01/14/56)

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It is becoming a chore just to get through the opening narration of this series.

The Pacific Ocean . . . seen first in the great early days of exploration by Balboa.

Really, there was no one else living on the Pacific at the time?  Nobody?  Maybe over behind that rock?  He was probably the first guy to see it while wearing a metal hat; I’ll give him that.

Part of the many waters of the world, all of them known since the beginning of time as maris nostrum, our sea.

Since the beginning of time?  Even before man had evolved?  Who was calling it that before humans?

Sure, these are petty nitpicks, but that just shows how simple it would have been to correct them.

A group meets clandestinely in an ocean-side hotel in La Jolla.  Among them is Dr. Phillip Redmond, who won the Nobel Prize for Outstanding Scientific Achievement.  Alma Ford is there representing her father because SFT always provides scientists with hot daughters.  Are these guys killing their wives?  It is always the old man living with his hot daughter.  And of course the Vollard Brothers from France.

Redmond welcomes the group and explains their mission is to explore the sea and find ways to mine it for food and minerals.  For example, he mentions plankton could be harvested for food, much to the delight of fans of Plankton Fest at Red Lobster.  Hey brainiac, how ’bout some fish!

By extracting food and minerals from the sea, we would be guaranteed to never run out.  He explains that is why “we are met here in secret [sic], to work in secret, until we are successful.”  If there was any question that this is a government operation, he continues, “It’s 11 o’clock.  We can start work tomorrow, if someone would make a  motion to adjourn.”

Vollard #1 wants to continue — there’s always one!  He wants to show the group the amazing Echo-Sounder device that he and Vollard #2 invented. [1]  The revolutionary machine uses the latest technology to map the ocean floor.  He opens the case and finds the device has disappeared.  Maybe it went back to 1930 when it was called SONAR.

Vollard insists he had it in his hands the whole time.  There is no way it could have been lost or stolen!  He swears he felt the case get lighter as he was carrying it to the table.  Alma points out that Redmond just said it was 11:00, but their watches now show 11:45.  Well, they can knock off 45 minutes early tomorrow.

That afternoon, Alma and Redmond take her father’s workpapers to store in the safe.  The documents somehow vanish from the office before they can be secured.  Alma notes that 35 minutes have somehow elapsed without their knowledge.

Redmond gets into the advanced wet-suit he invented (dubbed “second skin”) that men will use to mine the sea.  He says it will “enable a man to handle himself physically in all operations at 2,000 fathoms.”  Hee-hee.  Wait a minute, these guys are going to go down 12,000 feet?  In a wet-suit?  That’s about where the Titanic is.  A nuclear submarine is not going below 3,000 feet.

He steps into a pressure chamber and orders the staff to simulate a depth of 2,000 fathoms.  An alarm goes off and the chamber is opened.  They find Redmond has been clubbed like a baby seal, and his second skin stolen like a baby seal’s.  Luckily he seems to have worn a full set of clothes under it.  Alma notices another time-jump and says, “the thief took something else — one hour and 10 minutes from our lives.”  Yeah, I know the feeling.

Back at the hotel, the Vollard brothers are trying to figure how to replace their space-age, one of a kind Echo-Sounder without driving all the way down to Bass Pro Shop.  Redmond calls, but while Vollard #1 is one the phone, the priceless Echo-Sounder suddenly re-appears on the table.  However, as 2 Snickers disappeared from the minibar, it is a wash.  Hey wait a minute, Vollard #1 was on the phone with Redmond when the Echo-Sounder re-materialized.  How come Redmond did not notice a 30 minute lull in the conversation?  Is Vollard #1 that dull?

The documents from Alma’s father are also returned.  They come by USPS, the opposite of instantly appearing.  The group reconvenes.  Redmond laments that “this is not theft, it is brain-picking on a very high level . . . our friend now knows where to mine the sea and how the Echo-Sounder works” and, I guess, whatever is in Alma’s father’s papers.  Vollard #2 suggests that the high-tech wet-suit will also be returned.  Redmond says they won’t be there to receive it, because they have been ordered to Washington DC.

At the Bureau of Internal Security, Mr. MacNamara notes that all the thefts took place in front of witnesses who saw nothing.  “We don’t know if it was magic, optical illusion, mass hypnosis or what.”  MacNamara has a plan to catch the crime in DC using several high-speed cameras, just like C-SPAN.  The four scientists — no, the 3 scientists and 1 scientist’s daughter — will set up a mock lab.  He says, “You will continue your work there, in deepest secrecy.  Actually, you would have more privacy in a department store window.”  Unless it was a Sears, which is realllly private.  The bait will be a story placed in the fake news that research has begun on a revolutionary new dredge, because who can resist a good dredge story. [2]

MacNamara warns that “the time-thief can steal at any time and can kill at any time.”  The group accepts the challenge.  They go to the lab each morning, pretending to work, going through the motions, keeping an eye on the clock . . . (naw, the government worker shot is too easy.  The structure encourages slackassery and a few lazy bastards taint the brand).  Some workers wheel in a crate with the new XD Dredge.  The box says 646 pounds, but the 2 fat guys get it off the cart pretty easily.  Maybe this episode should have been about them.

This goes on for weeks with Redmond and MacNamara monitoring the screens to be sure cameras catch anything amiss with the XD, the chemical stores, the workstations, or under Alma’s desk.  Their diligence is rewarded when they see the workers in the lab suddenly freeze in place.  A man, who Redmond recognizes as a former student, enters carrying some sort of scepter.  He weaves around the motionless workers until he finds the XD.  Redmond proposes the scepter is an ultra high frequency transmitter that has put everyone into “hypnotic sleep.”

Over the intercom, they tell the thief to turn off his scepter and give up.  He tells them to buzz off and opens the crate.  It is empty, making the he-men who handled it seem more human.  He says it doesn’t matter because “I have a secret that is more valuable and no one will take it from me!”  He then smashes the scepter, which makes no sense.  Rather than escaping by putting the guards into sleep mode, he has awakened everyone and is ignominiously overpowered by a woman and 2 Frenchmen.

Redmond calls him “a poor, demented paranoid with the IQ of a genius.”  MacNamara responds, “I have another word for him: Thief.”

OK, that’s what Sgt Friday would have said.  But I can totally imagine it.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] He says they brought a “working scale model”.  If it works, isn’t it a miniaturized version of the original device?  Good work, garçons!
  • [2] No reference to The Drudge Report intended.
  • Why was Alma there?  Really, the question is, why is she representing her father?  SFT has shown female scientists before.  It just makes no sense to diminish her like that.