Category Archives: TV

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Mrs. Bixby and the Colonel’s Coat (09/27/60)

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Director Alfred Hitchcock gets things off to a frightful start as we get a close-up on the face of some uncredited sap in the dentist chair.  There are instruments and swabs stuffed in her mouth, and the whir of the old-fashioned drill is spine-tingling.  The real revulsion, however, comes in realizing this isn’t a real dentist.  This is just a jerk actor cramming his mitts into some poor struggling actress’ mouth.  My God, those fingers could have been anywhere!

Dr. Bixby’s wife comes to the office with his lunch and bad news.  The bad news is that she brought leftover salmon, the fishiest of fishes and avoided by four out of five dentists at lunch.  Also the washing machine needs fixing, and they have just gotten a bill from the IRS.  Despite being a doctor, they always seem to be in debt.

He also isn’t happy that his wife is going again on an overnight trip to visit her aunt.  She tells him he can live without her for 2 days each month.  She says if she were home, he would probably just go bowling anyway.  She gets off the train and is chauffeured to the stately home of the titular Colonel with whom she shares a long kiss.

Hmmm . . . this is starting to make sense now.  Mrs. Bixby is played by Audrey Meadows from The Honeymooners.  Clearly this episode is an hallucination of Alice Kramden.  Alice is in the dentist’s chair, knocked out by Nitrous Oxide or perhaps her dentist had leftover salmon for lunch.  She dreams of being married to her dentist, rather than a fat, surly bus driver.  She is so immersed in this fantasy that “Alice” no longer exists.  She has no first name credited, she is just Mrs. Bixby. Yet, there are still inescapable traces of her dull life and abusive husband as the dentist has money problems and ignores her for bowling.

Seeking to further remove herself from her miserable reality, she fantasizes that she is also desired by a second man.  The titular Colonel has a spacious horse farm and is retired from a successful military career.  Once again, however, years of insults and verbal threats of violence have so deflated Mrs. Bixby’s self-esteem that she cannot fully escape her husband’s grasp.  This second fantasy man, like her brutish husband, wears a uniform; just not one with a bus on the back.  He is also investing in a string of polo ponies which she recalls once inexplicably set her husband off in a rage.  However, she is in love with the Colonel and he gives her expensive gifts.

As she waking up from the dentist’s sedation, her fantasy world begins to unravel.  The Colonel ends their relationship.  She discovers Dr. Bixby is drilling his hygienist, and not in the mouth.  Well, not only in the mouth.  Alice returns to the cold reality of a Bensonhurst dental office warmed only by the puzzling realization that her fantasy-lover’s name of Bixby was so close to that of her best friend Trixie.

Another excellent episode.

Other Stuff:

Twilight Zone – Rendezvous in a Dark Place (03/11/89)

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This is like Harold and Maude.  Except there is no Harold, and Maude is the one with the death obsession.  So, really not like it at all.  However, it is like Nothing in the Dark from the original Twilight Zone.  But reversed; so, also not a good match.

Barbara LeMay loves going to funerals.  She has just gone to one and even slid her hand along the coffin as it passed.  She complements the preacher, but admits she doesn’t know anyone there, horizontal or vertical.  At home, she lovingly describes every detail to her son Jason.  He says her obsession “is not good, is not healthy, it is morbid.”

That night, after her son has left, a man breaks into her house.  When Barbara sees him, he pulls a gun on her and says, “Don’t move, don’t call the cops!  I’ll kill you, I swear!”  Then he collapses from pre-existing condition, namely a gunshot wound.  Barbara makes him comfortable, but tells him it looks bad for him.  She promises to wait with him.  They don’t have to wait long, as Mr. Death appears immediately.

Barbara is fairly calm seeing Mr. Death, but she seems surprised that he is not surprised that he can see her.  Wouldn’t she expect him to know the rules better than her?  In all the funerals she has attended, and with all the people she has seen die in the hospital, she has never seen Mr. Death.  She attributes his visibility this night to her frequent proximity to him.  Wake up and smell the coffee, baby!  Even the dying crook can’t see him because “it isn’t his time.”

When death approaches the dying man, Barbara offers her soul in place of his.  Death asks why.  She says because, “I can see the beauty in you.  I can.  I see it in so many ways.  The peace, the freedom, the tranquility,the poignant fragile beauty of their one final exhalation, the gathering of the soul, the ceremony.”  Correction, this is becoming more like TZ’s One for the Angels where an old guy runs his yap all night so Death misses an appointment.

Death says he can’t take her.  But he says he has seen her many times and noticed she “does not run from his touch, but seeks to embrace it.”  He says, “I could no more take you than take your end-table because neither one lives” or matches his sofa.

He leans over the crook as he struggles to breathe.  Death says, even now, the man is more alive than Barbara.  Death takes the man’s soul and becomes invisible to Barbara.  She says he “can’t just leave, we’ve been together through so much.”  She says she has no one.  Her son doesn’t need her, and Death has taken all her other friends and family.  “They’re all with you now!”

The next night — after having the dead body taken away that morning — Barbara gets dolled up in a nice evening gown.  Death shows up and asks, “Have I hurt you?”  There are only two sappy ways the story could end — either Barbara lives or Barbara dies.  Amazingly, neither of these options are used.

The story took an unexpected turn and ended up like TZ’s A Game of Pool except the motivations and the response of the main character are different.  So forget I mentioned it.  It was a little talky and the sappy score was dreadful.  I liked the curveball at the end, and Janet Leigh did a nice job.  Stephen McHattie was a great Mr. Death, but isn’t he always?

Tales from the Crypt – Surprise Party (12/28/94)

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On a dark and stormy night Ray Wells pulls into a run-down hotel.  He tells the owner his late father owned the ol’ Wells Place farm outside of town.  She says, “Some folks out there gonna be surprised to see you.”  He replies, “The place burned down 20 years ago. How could there be anyone in it?”  She whispers words of wisdom, “Let it be.”  She has seen lights and heard sounds, but never went near the place, fearing she might also smell smells.

Inexplicably, he decides to go to the property that night.  Or maybe he ate room service and watched an Ancient Aliens marathon all day like no one I know, and went the next night.  Anyhoo, it is the same or second consecutive dark and stormy night.  As he drives, he flashes back to the last time he saw his father.  Dangerously, the flashback is shown in a heads-up display on the windshield where visibility is already limited by rain and wipers.

A hot nurse tells his old father his son is there to see him.  The old man tells him he is leaving the farm to charity.  He says he is doing Ray a favor because the land is cursed.  So, f*** whatever charity he gave it to, I guess.[3]  Ray is not happy to hear that.  He gets angry, but incredibly, it is not even clear whether he kills his father or gets him so riled up that he has a heart attack.  It is clear that he burns the will, though, so will inherit the farm bought by his father before his father bought the farm.

All this is projected on the windshield through the wipers and rain.  To be fair, it is a very nice composition, but it goes on for almost 4 freakin’ minutes.

Ray arrives at the farm and the house is intact.  He goes inside and finds the world’s dullest party.  There are balloons, but it is very dark.  The people are festively dressed, but morose.  This is the first party I have ever witnessed where I didn’t think the music was too loud.  Ray tells them all to get out.  He says his name is Ray Wells and this seems to wake them up.  The lights come on, the music starts, and people begin dancing.

A hot blonde, who chose not to go into nursing, offers Ray a drink.  While Josie is flirting with with him, Jake Busey asks her to dance.  He is sporting a blonde Rachel hairdo [1], which on the Busey family scale of weirdness, barely registers.  They duck away into a dark room and begin making out.  She says she has been waiting a long time for him to inherit this house.  They go upstairs, and we finally see she is dressed as a cheerleader.

They start stripping down.  Rachel Busey gets so worked up thinking about Ray and Josie that he runs upstairs and bursts into the room.  They start fighting, and Ray shoots him.  Josie won’t stop screaming so he suffocates her with a pillow.  He says, “You should have stopped screaming!” which I think even she would agree with if she weren’t dead.

Ray pours kerosyrup kerosene from a lantern over their bodies and down the stairs.  As he pulls out a lighter, Josie and Rachel reappear looking pre-burned.  They tell him about a party his father threw.  He had a similar fight with Rachel Busey and did burn the house down, killing 15 people.  The other guests parade by him, showing their scarred faces.

The crowd begins moaning.  As their volume increases, they menacingly advance on Ray. [2]  Finally they set him on fire.  Fine, but it was his father that killed them.  What did Ray do to deserve this?  Kill his father?  Inconclusive, plus they should love that.  Burned the will?  Hardly a hellable offense.  Anyway, they have been waiting for him, so the fire set by his father had to be the reason.  I like a good vengeance tale, but I can’t recall another episode where the sins of the father are avenged on the son.

Despite this glitch, the episode had some fun flourishes that kept it interesting.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] BTW, there are worse ways to spend 5 minutes than Googling women’s hairstyles.  Ha-cha-cha!
  • [2] This exact same moaning motif was used effectively in the 1960’s Twilight Zone episode The Obsolete Man.  Holy crap, by the same director 33 years earlier!
  • [3] I’m kinda hoping it was 1-877-Kars4Kids because that jingle is eating my brain.
  • This is the rare episode of any series covered here to have not a single Critic or User review posted on IMDb.
  • This is the 3rd consecutive episode by the same writer.  C’mon, give someone else a chance!

Outer Limits – The Shroud (04/30/99)

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Mary and Joseph, er . . . Marie and Justin have not been able to make a baby, so they go to the shady Tilford Institute for help (shady = TV-speak for anything having a Christian affiliation).

They put Marie on the table and insert the embryo.  Thankfully Showtime is not playing the cable-card for this scene.  Dr. Cowlings then goes back to the lab.  She assures Reverend Tilford that the baby will be a perfect clone.  It is then revealed that it is a clone of Jesus using DNA from the Shroud of Turin.  But it doesn’t even look like the Shroud of Turin.  Is that thing copyrighted?  And how did this huckster end up with it in his church?

Tilford makes no secret of his plan.  He tells his congregation that DNA has been identified on the Shroud, although it could have been the 1st century mortician banging his assistant and needed a place to cometh.  He plans to create a clone of the Son of God.  True believers Marie and Justin are attending the service, but don’t know she is carrying the clone.  She has an attack of cramps and goes to the hospital.  While there, she sees on her chart that their baby is AB-negative which is impossible for their blood types to have produced.

Marie freaks out, and Justin admits he is not the father of the baby.  The clinic determined he was unable to father a child, so they scraped some DNA off the Shroud.  They go to see Tilford.  He tells Marie she is part of the prophecy of a second coming; third if you count the mortician.

And so on.  It is a great premise, but it seems like more could have been done with it.  Marie and Justin run from Tilford’s compound while Fetus Jesus explodes lamps and flings paper around.  Oh no, the exit door is blocked!  Whew, a sympathetic henchman appears from nowhere and pushes a button to release the mag-lock.  No top secret high-tech key-card, combination, or fingerprint recognition — he just presses a button.

Marie and Justin make it to their car, but Marie goes into labor.  Hmmm, there is no time to reach a hospital.  Where should they go?  No shit, they go to a pretty manger-ish barn.  What parents wouldn’t want their baby born in a firetrap with spiders, livestock, fecal matter, and no running water?  Doesn’t a barn suggest there is a farmhouse nearby?  Tilford turns up, but slimy baby Jesus blasts the new family out of danger and then they really take their lives in their hands by hitchhiking.  The end.

It is stated that this is not Tilford’s first attempt at cloning Jesus, but nothing is made of that.  There is an intriguing mention that this is not the Son of God but just a kid with a freak telekinetic mutation; that also  goes nowhere.  Luckily, this is the kind of cornball, on-the-nose entertainment that I like.

Samantha Mathis is always welcome.  David Ogden Stiers is great here, but was so memorable on MASH, that he comes across a little bland when he doesn’t have the Boston accent.

Other Stuff:

  • How are the User Reviews selected at IMBd?  This episode is 20 years old and has only two reviews posted.  This at a time when every dumbbell thinks his opinion matters . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4.  The Episode Rating is a not-bad 6.6/10 but the two User Reviews average 1.5/10.  The 6.6 seems about right, but if you penalize for wasted potential, that 1.5 starts to sound reasonable.
  • Oh, come on! . . . I mean, I love it! :

Science Fiction Theatre – Who is this Man? (04/20/56)

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Narrator:  “In one of the rooms of a major mid-western university, Dr. Hugh Bentley, professor of experimental psychology, often held seminars where he demonstrated hypnotism by placing a student in a deep hypnotic trance.”  Hey, I think I had that guy!

Dr. Bentley and a colleague go to Lou’s Diner where they see a few of his students.  Lorraine’s brother George works at the diner, but is painfully shy.  When Biff pulls a white mouse out of his pocket and waves it at George, he runs shrieking from the room.  Lorraine asks Dr. Bentley if he can help George overcome his shyness.  She says, “He is afraid of people, animals, everything.”

Fortuitously, Professor Bentley has his weekly 4:00 to 4:10 office hours that afternoon, so he tells her to send George over.  He fills out a questionnaire for Bentley revealing he lives with his sister and father, no pets.  Bentley hypnotizes George and asks, “When is the last time you were with an animal?”  Heehee.

George unexpectedly answers, “A livery stable” where he was grooming a horse.  This was in Colorado and he was on the run after killing a man named Jim Wooster in a fight in 1887.  Bentley hands George a card and asks him to write his name on it.  Why not just ask him?  Anyway, George writes “Jack Welsh”.

Dr. Bentley confers with 2 colleagues.  Dr. Brown believes it is just the fantasy of an introvert.  The other doctor — who IMDb does not credit as a Doctor after he spent 7 years in imaginary medical school — disagrees.  He says while many kids had imaginary friends, “they didn’t write with the same hand.”  I think I know what he means, but it is a pretty poor way of saying it.

Bentley puts George under again and suggests that he remember back to 1888.  He begins describing his surroundings.  He is on a platform with lots of people around.  And, oh yeah, he has a noose around his neck and sees a couple of guys in MAGA hats.  Bentley is shocked by this execution scene even though in the previous session, George did say Jack Welsh had murdered Jim Wooster, and it was not in Chicago.  If Bentley were a competent scientist, he would have asked where Jack Welsh was in 1889.  Now that would be interesting.

Bentley decides to see if he can imprint some of Jack Wells’ traits on George.  He gives George a hypnotic suggestion that when he wakes up he will be “just as confident and just as sure of yourself as that man you wish to be, Jack Welsh.”  He could have added “but less murderry” but I guess George’s 50 minutes were about up.

He awakens and sees a white mouse in Bentley’s office.  This time he picks the little feller up and talks to him.  He is clearly more outgoing and confident; at least with rodents.  He heads over to Lou’s Diner, but not to work.  He sees Lorraine and asks her to dance.  When Biff tries to cut in, George wrestles him to the ground and begins strangling him.  I guess he does have some Jack Welsh left in him.  Then Goldie Wilson breaks a chair over his back.

Once George gets out of the hospital, Bentley gives him another hypnotic suggestion to get Jack Welsh out of his mind.  He tells a colleague that he still believes that hypno-therapy can help George.  But he says he will take it slow, like over 10 years or until George’s insurance maxes out.  Doc Brown enters and informs Bentley that he did some research at the historical society — there really was a murderer named Jack Welsh.  And his signature matches the card that George signed earlier!  Not only that, he played Johnny B. Goode at the Palace Saloon in 1885!

This is another episode that feels better in black & white.  If this were a color episode, it would just seem silly.  Charles Smith does a fine job as the blank-faced doofus George, but the doctors are stiffs.  Graded on the SFT curve, not a bad outing.

Other Stuff:

  • According to IMDb, Charles Smith played 3 different characters on The Andy Griffith Show: Counterman, Counter Man, and Counter Help.  You just don’t see that kind of range in today’s young actors.
  • According to SFT:  A History of the Television Program, Variety found the episode “pedestrian”, the vehicle (?) “static”, the performances “routine”, and the direction “uninspired”.
  • The review also used the phrase “no noose is good noose” which, frankly, makes me feel like Mark Twain.
  • Bruce Bennett (Dr. Bentley) was paid the princely sum of $1,000.  Charles Smith (George), arguably the lead, received only $100.