Category Archives: TV

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – A Very Moral Theft (10/11/60)

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Well, AHP wastes no time in establishing lumber yard manager Harry Wade as a prick.  First, they cast Walter Matthau who, while always entertaining, is typically an obnoxious jerk or know-it-all blowhard.  In comedies, he really shows his range by being a drunken loser or a bum.  However, imagine Jack Black or Seth Rogan in any role that Walter Matthau ever played and you will have a perfect illustration of how Hollywood has gone to shit. [1]

Within seconds we see him pawning some inferior wood off on a customer.  He is probably also pawning off some inferior wood on his girlfriend Helen who he treats like dirt.  He grudgingly takes her out to dinner.

After dinner, Harry drops Helen off.  She asks him to come in “just this once.”  He says he has things to do.  His excuse is that he doesn’t want to deal with that “meatball brother” of hers.  She asks if she can see him tomorrow night which makes me wonder if there is one other straight, single man in that town.  As if this would be a huge imposition, he says, “Maybe.”

Helen, the latest in a long line of AHP women who live with their brother, goes inside.  Her brother John says he plans on marrying his girlfriend in August.  This will leave Helen homeless.  The happy couple goes out again the next night.

And so it goes.  There are just too many moving parts to labor through.  Here are the other bullet points I jotted down:

  • Wood / Erection pun.
  • Harry needs $8k for only 24 hours like a Nigerian prince.
  • Wood / Erection pun.
  • Harry shows up at Helen’s office drunk.
  • Wood / Erection pun.
  • Helen steals money from her employer.
  • Wood / Erection pun.
  • Harry can’t repay the loan.
  • Wood / Erection pun.

It’s a fine story and Matthau is always fun to watch.  Helen was kind of a drag and her brother was a non-entity.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] I know I saw Billy Bob Thornton in the Bad News Bears reboot, but I don’t remember if I liked it.  He is one of the few genuine bright spots in Hollywood though, so even if he did it for the cash, it would be at least watchable.
  • So what was the moral theft?  The money Harry swindled the mob out of?  If it were really moral, he would have returned it to the innocent shop-owners who coughed up protection money, anonymously with no-strings-attached.  Or let the exploited prostitutes work it off.

Twilight Zone – Love is Blind (03/25/89)

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Jack Haines is sitting outside a CW bar drinking in his car.  He overheard a conversation that his wife is meeting another man there.  He takes a gun from the glove compartment and turns it into a CCW bar.

He walks around inside but doesn’t see her.  He orders a beer and listens to the singer.  Haines is stunned by what he is hearing.  The song is jarring and baffles him.  Is this for real?  Are other people hearing the same thing he is?  Which is the same effect country music has on me.

He hears aspects of his own life in the singer’s words.  The bartender says the old man just wandered in out of the storm, so they let him open for the house band.  He says the man was so good he didn’t even notice he was “blind as a bat.”  If coming in at night wearing opaque welding goggles and a thousand yard stare didn’t tip off the bartender, maybe his eyesight isn’t so great either.

The singer comes over and asks how Haines like the song.  “Kind of hits you where you live, don’t it?  That’s what it was meant to do.”  Haines asks how the man knows all about him.  He replies, “I don’t know everything, just the bad things.”  He says he has been “blessed or cursed.  The sounds just come to me when I’m around certain people.”  He tells Haines he knows what he is about to do, and it will cause everyone pain.

Haines spots his wife in the bar with another dude.  Just when he is about to make his move, he realizes it is just a stranger hitting on her.  The singer reminds him just how close he came to killing an innocent man.  Yada yada . . .

It is another perplexing third season episode.  There have been several that were as good as anything this run of the series every did.  Too many, however, fell into the same old traps of happy endings, maudlin stories, and those dreadful, insipid scores.

This was one of the good ones.  It was serious, but not somber.  Romantic but not sappy.  And, thank God, it had a soundtrack rather than a score.  That could have gone very wrong.  They happened to find an interesting actor with an engaging, twangy voice.  I completely bought him as the mysterious blind man.   I even enjoyed his singing and I’m not really a country fan.  That was some lucky or shrewd casting because he carries the episode.  The other actors are stiffs or insanely hammy.

And, yeah, it’s another TZ happy ending.  But that’s OK sometimes.

Tales from the Crypt – Comes the Dawn (01/11/95)

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Even this could not stop me from fast-forwarding through the Cryptkeeper’s segment.

Oh, come on!  TFTC already did Came the Dawn!  I was disappointed that Dawn was not the insatiable female lead in that one.  Predictably, TFTC did not learn from that mistake.  On the other hand, this episode starts off with a nice tracking shot along a bar with a few bits of business along the way.  So all is forgiven.  Although, I always wonder if shots like this were in the script or the work of the director.

The shot ends with a, er, rather severe looking blonde with short hair, a bandana, and a biker jacket putting on lipstick like she was driving down a bumpy road.  She is surprised when a couple of hunters show up to the bar.  Burrows and Parker stumble in, bundled up against the cold Alaskan weather and order schnapps.

Burrows says the night is “colder than a witch’s left one” so I guess there will be no nudity in tonight’s tame episode.  Parker says they are looking for a guide that ignores the Endangered Species List, which rules out that bleeding heart Michelin Guide with their snooty no Bengal Tiger Tartare rule.  She suggests her ex, Jeri (the gender ambiguity is lost in print) who was busted for dynamite-fishing.  But the bartender doesn’t care for poachers and picks up the phone to call the game warden.  So Burrows shoots her.

In an edit more jarring than the bone-to-satellite in 2001, the boys are suddenly offering Jeri $100 to help them bag a grizzly bear.[1]  Where they are or how they found her is a mystery.  And, by the way, shooting the bartender was pretty gratuitous.  I mean, it would have made sense if it had been Michael Ironside, but it was the other guy.  Anyhoo, she is no longer in that business.  Parker sees her name on a Purple Heart citation and plays the Colonel-card.  She jumps at attention and accepts the mission to find that bear.

They go to an abandoned government weather station which Jeri says the bears love.  Parker agrees, “It is a perfect place for Winter hibernation.”  Wait, are they going to shoot them while they’re hibernating?   No, they find some fresh tracks and set up camp.  But someone been hunting there already.

Just when I feared the episode was going to play out as a straight monster-fest, a couple of pretty ingenious curves are thrown into the story.  It is not giving away much to say this is a nest of vampires — that isn’t the twist.  The story beat 30 Days of Night to the Alaskan Vampire scene by 5 years.  That might have been dazzling in 1995, but is still appreciated here — and not the twist.

The twists both have to do with Jeri’s role in this society and with one of these two men.  It is not mind-blowing, but is just a nice bit of storytelling.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] By the way, Jeri is a hot Chinese woman.  OK, maybe the bartender dug Asian chicks.  Or was TFTC trying to pass her off as Inuit?
  • Minor nitpick:  In the first scene, shown above, the vampire bartender was looking in a mirror to apply her lipstick.  What the heck — there is nothing for her there.  Yeah, vampires don’t have reflections, but mostly I mean because she is really unattractive.

Outer Limit – Tribunal (05/14/99)

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I think I’ll pass on this one.

It begins in a German Concentration Camp.  The excellent production values immediately pull you in.  The camp, the crowds, the costumes, the casting . . . all show that they took extra care with this episode.  It is so effective and so evocative of The Holocaust that I’m not interested in fooling around with it.  I doubt you’ll see Cinema Sins doing Everything Wrong with Schindler’s List.

A few random comments:  Saul Rubinek is less annoying than usual; certainly more tolerable than in Gotcha!  Lindsay Crouse is always welcome.

This is the first time I recall an Outer Limits episode title being shown in anything other than the standard OL font.  TRIBUNAL is shown in a classic German font (like Wolfenstein).  This is strange because the titular tribunal is not in Nazi Germany.  Their representative is not even German. [1]  I don’t see the point.

Outer Limits is usually pretty tame on the language and graphic violence.  This one did contain one of their most graphic, or at least brutal, kills.

There is a dedication at the end by the writer.  It is a tragic real-world cap to the episode.  It just seemed disrespectful to include it here.

It doesn’t feel right to say this was one of Outer Limits’ best episodes.  Even though the story has strong sci-fi elements, the real-world connection puts it in its own class.  It is excellent, though.

Footnotes:

  • [1] I don’t know Alex Diakun’s ethnicity, but he did play Indian Joe on Huckleberry Finn and his Friends.  Wait, Indian Joe?  I guess it makes sense to sanitize the nickname for a kid’s show.  Otherwise Huck’s friend Jim wouldn’t be in it at all.

Science Fiction Theatre – Bullet Proof (05/11/56)

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“One of the most important parts of air research is the efforts of the metal scientists known as robots metallurgists.”  They are researching materials that can withstand super-sonic speeds in aircraft.  Drs. Connors and Rudman are witnessing another failure in the wind tunnel as a model melts from 2,500 MPH winds.

Dr. Rudman’s daughter Jean enters because, as is usually the case on SFT, the older scientist has no wife, but has a hot daughter.  Also, typical of the show, Rudman’s protege happens to be dating the daughter.  They go out to dinner, leaving Rudman to his work.  He is interrupted by a man in black.

The intruder introduces himself as Ralph Parr and says he just escaped from prison.  He knows Rudman has been researching metals and pulls a roll of black metal from his jacket.  He demonstrates how the material can be rolled up, and can be easily cut.  Then he pulls out a pistol and fires several shots at it.  He says, “Lead bounces on this stuff like spitballs off a brick wall.”  Hunh, his spit bounces?  Maybe this was during the polar vortex of ’56.

Parr asks Rudman what it is worth, and the scientist says, “Priceless, absolutely priceless.”  Rudman worries that he is being scammed, but Parr assures him, “Just because I’m a con doesn’t mean I’m a fake.”  He hands Rudman the gun and tells him to try it himself.  Once he has the gun, Rudman demands that Parr give him the key to the door, although I’m not clear why Parr has the key to a door in Rudman’s house.

When Parr makes a move, Rudman fires the gun.  Unfortunately, the bullet ricochets off the mysterious metal and he hits himself.  They aren’t fooling around — the shot hits him right in the melon.  He puts a hand to his face and falls to the floor.

Soon after, a crime wave is sweeping the city.  The police say the robber has “a strange disregard for firearms.”  They know his identity but “the mystery of the Bullet-Proof man goes unsolved.”  Dr. Connors inexplicably deduces the Bullet-Proof man is the same man who killed Rudman.  In the lab, he says, “Whatever the killer stole from this room made him Bullet-Proof.”  So, he is completely wrong in both of his deductions.  We need an act break to sort this out.

OK, the BP man continues his one-man crime wave.  We see the police firing at him as he runs away wearing a cone over his head, or maybe it is the governor of Virginia.  Such are the amazing properties of this metal that it somehow prevents the police from firing at his chest, or even chasing him.  OK, maybe he is wearing metal long johns, but he seems pretty agile. [1]

Still pursuing his theories 2 weeks later, Connors goes to see George Martin, president of the nation’s largest steel mill who oddly went on to be the Beatles’ go-to producer.  Connor wants Martin to issue a press release announcing to the BP man that the metal he possesses would be worth a billion dollars!  Parr later hears the announcement on the radio.

Jean and Connors go see Martin after he hears from Parr.  Martin says, “He took the bait, but he priced it a little high — $50,000.”  Bloody record executives!  Wait, was $50k more than a billion in the 1950s?  I know the British changed the definition of billion; did we do that too?

Martin stuffs the $50k into a valise.  Connors will deliver the loot to Parr.  That afternoon, the Connors and Parr meet in the desert.  To prove the density of the metal, Parr takes off the black metal cone from his head and sets it on the ground.  He fires a bullet that ricochets off the cone.  The bullet does not penetrate, and does not even knock the cone over.  That also demonstrates the density of the writer.

Connors asks how Parr knew Rudman had this metal, and Parr finally sets him straight.  The night he escaped prison, he saw a UFO.  He shows Connors some of the debris left behind by the aliens.  Connors thinks maybe we can use that metal to visit their planet.  Like every villain on AHP, Parr gets busted.  He is pretty chill, though.  When the cops take the $50k, he says, “Easy come, easy go.”

Footnotes:

  • Sadly, the regularly scheduled episode When a Camera Fails does not seem to be online anywhere.
  • [1] BP later describes the cone as being “hot as a furnace”, so I don’t think he is wearing the aforementioned long johns.