Category Archives: TV

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – A Crime for Mothers (01/24/61)

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This is not their daughter — just a creepy doll.

Ralph and Jane Birdwell seem like a nice suburban couple.  He is a civil engineer and she is a civil mother.  Their daughter Eileen has just been sent off to school.  Ralph is getting ready for work when the doorbell rings.  Jane opens the door and a woman slurs, “Remember me?  Is the little girl home?”  I guess she doesn’t get the concept of going to school in the morning.  But to be fair, I think this is the first time this booze-monkey has been up before noon.

Ralph sees her and says, “You said you’d never bother us again.  What’s the big idea?”  Seven years ago, Mrs. Meade had given Eileen to the Birdwells for a few bucks and a pair of Beach Britches.  They could never track her down to formalize the adoption.  Although, if they didn’t post her picture on the back of a scotch bottle, how hard were they trying?  Now she wants the girl back.  But she’d be willing to accept $100/week payoff instead.  When Mrs. Meade threatens to sue, Ralph says the judge will see she is “a cheap, broken down drunk.”

Mrs. Meade does go to a lawyer — hey, it’s Mayberry’s Floyd the Barber. [1] He tells her that her plan amounts to nothing more than blackmail.  Mrs. Meade later gets a visit from Phil Ames.  The solicitous unsolicited solicitor is a former lawyer who also had bar trouble, but not the the same kind as Mrs. Meade.  He is now a private investigator who heard of her case down where the lawyers hang out.

He informs her that the Birdwells never legally adopted Eileen.  However, he also states he knows that Mrs. Meade never showed any interest in the child until now and that she has a criminal record.  He says they should go for the big payday and demand $25,000 from the Birdwells ($215,000 in 2020 bucks).

Ames proposes that Mrs. Meade kidnap Eileen.  He says it will not be a crime since she is “only repossessing her own property.”  This was before OJ tried to steal back his Heisman Trophy so case law was sketchy at the time. [2]

Ames and Mrs. Meade agree that his cut will be 20%.  Now keep in mind that this low-life disbarred shyster who elbowed his way into this case, conspired with a drunken sociopath, is willing to break up a happy family, and will callously tear a little girl away from the only parents she has ever known — even this scumbag isn’t charging the 30% to 40% cut that attorneys routinely milk out of clients.

Mrs. Meade meets Ames drunk and early a week later.  He has been watching the Birdwell home for 3 days and has cracked the algorithm that Eileen goes to school in the morning and returns in the afternoon.  Since Mrs. Meade has not seen her daughter in 7 years, they drive by the school and Ames is able to point her out at recess.

That afternoon, Mrs. Meade intercepts Eileen leaving school.  She says she is the new governess and that her mom wants them to go shopping for new dresses.  Instead they go to Mrs. Meade’s apartment.

Ames comes by with his partner Charlie Banks.  Banks asks Mrs. Meade if this is the little girl she snatched.  She says, “Sure I did.  Why not?  I’m her mother.”  Except the girl says her name is Margaret.  Ames brought Banks, who has connections at the FBI, to be a witness.  Mrs. Mead just confessed to kidnapping a girl she is not related to.

Ames forcefully tells Mrs. Meade that he is actually a friend of Ralph.  She is to stay away from the Birdwells, and allow them to legally adopt Eileen!  Mrs. Meade breaks down in tears with the same saline to alcohol ratio as a dirty martini.

Viewers in 1961 might have thought this was like Summer Shade last week — there is a happy ending, but an innocent young girl was hijacked in order to achieve it.  Well, no — in the hallway, Margaret smiles as she climbs into Ames’ arms.  We learn that Margaret is his daughter and she had a ball helping her dad with this ruse; way more fun than when they infiltrated Epstein Island. [3]

It was nice to see Mrs. Meade shut down by Phil Ames for multiple reasons.  Foremost, of course, she deserved it — using a little girl to blackmail a family.  Second, Biff Elliot was phenomenal in the role — he single-handedly redeemed the name Biff in the American arts.  Third, Biff played a father in The Day of the Bullet who profoundly disappointed his adoring son.  It was heart-warming to see him so loved by his daughter here.  Even after he let a drunk psycho put her in a taxi and go back to her apartment.

This was kind of a “soft” episode like director Ida Lupino’s previous AHP gig, Sybilla.  There are no murders and a woman was at the center.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  The story was thin, but the twist was sharp.  If you can stand Claire Trevor as Mrs. Meade, I rate it 70 proof.

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  IMDb inexplicably states that Howard McNear is in the credits, but does not appear in the episode.  In fact, he has a prominent scene with Mrs. Meade.  How can you miss him?  C’mon, he’s Floyd the M*****f***ing Barber (as Gomer called him after he finished his hitch in the Marines).
  • [2]  A fact-check indicates that OJ Simpson was convicted of stealing miscellaneous sports memorabilia, but not his Heisman Trophy.  Wow, could I be wrong about his previous legal issue too?
  • [3]  I sincerely apologize for that disgusting reference.
  • AHP Proximity Alert:  Robert Sampson (Ralph) was just in The Changing Heart two weeks ago.  Hey, give somebody else a chance!
  • AHP Deathwatch:  Robert Sampson is also the only adult cast member still alive and even has a 2020 credit on IMDb.  Hey, give somebody else a chance!
  • As always, Jack at bare*bones e-zine is all over the source and production of the episode.
  • I don’t like categorizing people, but it is pretty cool that this was directed by a woman in 1961.  Ida Lupino directed dozens of other shows, including 9 Thrillers, a Twilight Zone, and 3 memorable Gilligan’s Islands.  Although, I guess if you saw them each 10 times as a kid, they’re all memorable.  Mary Anne was cute even playing Laertes; I heard as Caliban, she brought the hut down.

One Step Beyond – The Devil’s Laughter (03/31/59)

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We open in with John Marriott in prison, so we know this is another episode set outside of the United States where assault, looting, vandalism, and arson are now legal.  Before I digress there, let me digress here:  This is now 5 out of 11 OSB episodes that are set overseas.  Am I missing something?  I didn’t catch-on that Ray Bradbury Theatre had moved production to New Zealand until I noticed 2 Orcs in the 3rd season credits.

Also, I notice that the foreign locations (which will be 6 out of 12 next week) are always in Western Europe.  No paranormal activity in Africa or Asia, fellas?  Even host John Newland tries to come off like a Brit, pronouncing “human record” as “human hhre-KORD“.  John, dude, you were born in Cincinatti! [1]  Give it up!

Anyhoo, Marriott is scheduled to be hanged in London that afternoon.  I’d like to think his trial was that morning.  From his cell, he can see the gallows being prepared for the big event.  No, wait, I hope his trial was yesterday so the hammering kept him up all night.  Marriott is nervous and jumpy about the hanging which is in about half an hour.  In a very obnoxious few minutes, he describes his life and crime.  He ends up crying and screaming, “I don’t want to die!”  

The good guys enter the cell and waste a swig of brandy on him.  They walk him up the stairs of the gallows, and put a sack over his head to prevent COVID-19.  Then the noose is tightened around his neck.  The trap door is opened, and his body falls through, thus ending the comedy portion of our program.  Sadly the rope has broken, and more sadlier, he has survived the fall.

Marriott wakes up in the infirmary instead of Hell.  The warden, my kind of guy, is ready to try again right away.  Marriott says, “You’re wasting your time, guvnuh.”  He confidently tells the men they can’t kill him no matter what they do.  Inexplicably they let him eat breakfast before the next try.  At least they don’t waste any more brandy.  

Once again, they escort Marriott through the prison, but this time he is arrogant in his certainty that he will not die.  He even does a little dance.  They march him up the steps to the high platform.  They put the noose around his neck, and he tells them they are wasting their time.  The executioner pulls the switch, but the trap door is stuck.  Marriott laughs at them.  Loudly, mockingly, jeeringly.

Throw him off the side!!!  It’s really high — just throw him off the side!!!

But no, they take him back to his cell, and the House of Lords decide to release him.  He is even more emboldened and obnoxious after his 2nd reprieve.  He later explains that when they put the sack over his head, he had a vision; or maybe it was that garlic omelet. [2] “The devil himself” told Marriott that he would “die at the feet of a lion”.  Even when his murder victim’s brother tries to shoot him in a pub, the gun jams.

Inexplicably, except for being extremely drunk, Marriott goes to the zoo.  He goes directly to the lion’s cage and begins taunting the beast.  The zookeepers chase him off and he falls down a long flight of steps.  The camera pans up to show a statue of a lion above him.

As always, this is a fantastic-looking show.  The shot of the gallows through Marriott’s window is magnificent. [3] My other frequent comment about the weakness of OSB stories doesn’t really apply here.  This feels more like an urban legend.  It is served up with the requisite three incidents to establish it, and even throws in little twist.

Alfred Ryder as Marriott is excruciating, though.   Whether Panicky Pierre [4] in the beginning, or laughing maniacally at his luck, or hamming it up arrogantly in later scenes, he is brutal to watch.  Most others, including John Newland, think this is one of OSB’s best, so I’m willing to blame my own general misanthropy.  

I rate it 7.5 steps beyond.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] More likely it is a Transatlantic Accent.
  • [2] Advice to future pandemic survivors:  Don’t have chili dogs for lunch and plan on wearing that same mask all afternoon.
  • [3] Two words I have never spoken aloud: Fantastic and Magnificent.  If I ever even write “marvelous”, just shoot me (unless referring to Marvin Hagler.)
  • [4] I thought this was London.  Forget it, he’s rolling.
  • Alfred Ryder (Marriott) was in the first episode of Star Trek.
  • My Marriott memories.

Tales from the Crypt – Confession (07/01/96)

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Note to director . . .

Police detectives find another girl with her head cut off.  Kudos to this frequently dreadful season giving us a little gore.  Unfortunately, they squander that goodwill with the line,  “I can see the tabloids now — headless girl in topless club.”  C’mon, that is a blatant rip-off of the classic 1983 New York Post headline “Headless Body in Topless Bar“. [1]  Very cheesy, guys.

Warhol (I’ll ignore that appropriation since it seems utter pointless) Evans, the alleged head-chopper-offer, is quickly caught in an alley.  The officers send for Jack Lynch to do the interrogation.  He is known by all to be the bestest detective ever.  They find him also in an alley, doing a few lines — bowling I mean.  He comes to the station still carrying his ball-bag in his hands (hee-hee!).  

Lynch begins interviewing Evans.  He immediately denies the charges and tells the detectives they “will be drinking a shit shake through a crazy straw.”  More plagiarism as I believe McDonald’s trademarked this phrase years ago.  Evans seems to think he’s a big-shot because he wrote an episode of Tales from the Crypt.  No, seriously, that is in the episode.  Can you appropriate from yourself?

Lynch aggressively accuses Evans of being a serial killer despite a complete lack of evidence.  He had been nabbed washing his hands in the vicinity of the last murder.  If that is considered an extraordinary event in London, then God help their COVID-19 stats.  

. . . it is now possible to put 2 actors in the same frame. Did the SJWs decide a “master” shot was racist?

Evans arrogantly refuses to call in a lawyer.  He says he has written scenes like this, so knows exactly how it will go.  He even magnanimously offers to find the real killer, lifting a ploy from OJ Simpson.  Lynch notes that last night Evans purchased a book entitled The Satanic Scriptures — a lazy way to invoke the murder-scare associated with The Satanic Verses. 

Evans says it was just research.  He is working on a script about a satanist who is reincarnated as a serial killer who — wait for it — only kills other serial killers.   Let’s be charitable and call this an homage to Dexter.

Evans does go on a pretty good (and original) analysis of crime scene photos.  He believes the killer might be frustrated at having been passed over for promotions — like Lynch.  And having a strong right arm from tossing a bowling ball and carrying it everywhere with him — like Lynch.  Good stuff.

Lynch discovers a massive amount of pornography at Evans’ flat, which also seems very familiar to me.  I just can’t place where I’ve seen such a cache of . . . oh, yeah.  However, Evans also has books on how to make pipe-bombs and land-mines, and Antifa for Dummies.  Again, Evans says it is all for research.  There is also mention of him assaulting a little girl years ago.

For the big finish, Lynch puts a satchel from Evans’ closet on the table.  He opens it to reveal a misshapen head in a large glass jar.  OK, hold the phone — this is a direct steal from Ray Bradbury’s The Jar which was adapted for Ray Bradbury Theater, The Alfred Hitchcock Hour, the 1980s revival of Alfred Hitchcock Presents. and a very special episode of Benson.  [2] Evans says he bought it at freak show because he thought it was funny, but he knows he’s screwed.

SPOILER

Lynch has proven Evan’s guilt to everyone’s satisfaction.  He is again hailed as the bestest detective ever.  He goes home, and unzips his bowling ball bag.  Nothing in there but a ball.  However, he lifts the top off the hollow ball and pulls out the dead woman’s head.  He puts it in the fridge with 2 others and has a beer.

There seemed to be a lot of references to other stories, and not in a winking Scream-like way.  More in a Joe Biden campaign speech way [3].  Other than the brief scene where Evans does his analysis, there’s not much going on.  This should have been released as a movie.  Not because it is good, but because it feels 90 minutes long.

By coincidence I saw Eddie Izzard (Evans) in Get Duked! yesterday.  That would be a much better use of your time.

I rate it 4 out of 10 frames.  However, Get Duked! earns a respectable 8 frames.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] Great as this is, they will never top “Bezos Exposes Pecker“.  It has more levels than Amway.  Just retire the trophy now.
  • [2] To be honest, I’m not sure it was explicitly a head in Bradbury’s jar.  But, c’mon, what else would it be?  BTW, the AHP episode was directed by Tim Burton.  What?
  • [3]  The big news in that link is that Newsweek still exists.
  • Very timely:  This episode is directed by the director of Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey.
  • Ciarán Hinds (Lynch) was Mance Rayder in 5 episodes of Game of Thrones.  He was the white guy with the beard.  [UPDATE: I finally Googled him, and he seems to be just about the only guy other than Bran without a beard.]

Science Fiction Theatre – Death at My Fingertips (09/21/56)

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Host Truman Bradley says he wants to tell us something interesting, which makes this a very special episode already.  “Ever since the beginning of mankind, murder has been a great problem of society — from the early days of the caveman and his club, to the era of the dueling sword . . .”  OK, he holds up a sword, but when he mentioned the caveman’s club, he appeared to hold up a gavel. Is this a commentary on the judicial system?

For one of the only times in the series, the college is named.  Maybe the Producer was bartering off a massive $250 circa 1950 student loan.  Barker College is a small medical school.  Dean Leonard Mills is working late in the lab, and waiting for his assistant Eve Patrick.  Someone walks in behind him and stabs him.  Before leaving, the person deliberately leaves several conspicuous fingerprints, and uses a glass without a coaster

The next day, Detective Davis grills Eve.  She says Mills had no enemies and was respected by the other professors despite the I Like Ike bumper sticker on his BMW Isetta [1].  He asks if they were having an affair.  She says there is no way she would have an affair with Mills because 1) she is engaged to Dr. Donald Stewart, and 2) Mills is bald.  Ouch!  Deputy Evans walks in with the results of the fingerprint analysis. The killer is Donald Stewart!

Davis questions Stewart.  He says those fingerprints could not have been faked because of the “sweat ducts and oily moisture.”  Stewart responds, “Undeniably!”  This is why you need a lawyer present.

Stewart says when Mills was killed, he was at home watching TV.  In this pre-VCR era, he tries to prove his innocence by describing the news show he was watching, “It concerns Dr. Black’s cardiac experiments on sperm whales.”  Davis says this is not a strong alibi because the same story was on all the newscasts — 7, 9 and 11.  The real mystery is WTF Dr. Black is doing to these whales that deserves that much air time.  And were they sperm whales before, or just after?

His further attempt at an alibi is foiled when “Lucy tries to get into Ricky’s act and hijinks ensue” is deemed to describe 400 episodes of I Love Lucy.

Stewart finally engages George Warren to be his attorney.  Warren says, “Don’t you understand Dr. Stewart you haven’t got a chance!  Those fingerprints are uncontestable!”  Warren then suggests Stewart confess to killing Mills just so they can plead down to 2nd degree murder.  OK, maybe sometimes you don’t want a lawyer present.  Luckily, Stewart’s fingerprints show up on some bottles after he was locked up.

Davis worries that the discovery of two people with the same fingerprints might throw the whole judicial system into chaos.  He worries that people might have been unfairly prosecuted on the basis of duplicate prints.  He orders Evans to get the prints of every man, woman and primate that had access to the lab.

Back in his cell, Stewart says he believes someone came up with a way to create duplicate fingerprints.  His attorney asks, “Who’d want to?”  Sigh.

Eve discovers that Dr. Mills had been working on a formula for synthetic skin.  The police go to see Stanley Barnes because he did not give his prints to the police.  Barnes has so much incriminating evidence in his apartment that even Marcia Clark [3] could convict him.  He confesses to trying to frame Stewart for Mills’ murder.  His portrayal is just bizarre, though.  The actor wildly overacts and seems coked up.  This guy makes Norman Bates look like he is in a Tarkovsky film.[2]  Oh well, Stewart is freed and he and Eve vow to complete Dr. Mills’ work.

Another pedestrian outing.  It boggles my mind that this primitive series aired only 3 years before The Twilight Zone and One Step Beyond. Just think how great TV will be 3 years from now!  You know, if some assholes don’t burn down the studios.

I give it 1.5 fingertips.  Out of 5 or 10 — your choice.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] The car reference is really just an excuse to show this verrückt Auto.
  • [2] Sorry, I recently subscribed to the Criterion Channel.
  • [2] Would also have accepted Yorgos Lanthimos, whose films, though deliberate, are at least watchable.
  • [3] Would also have accepted Hamilton Burger.  Though decades earlier, he seems somehow less dated.
  • June Lockhart (Eve) was the mom on Lost in Space.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Summer Shade (01/10/61)

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Ben & Phyllis Kendall are starting to get discouraged in their quest to find an affordable one hundred year old house in Salem with three bedrooms, a modern kitchen, a study, central heating, and a tree for young Kate’s swing.

Suddenly, Phyllis Kendall gets a premonition.  She tells her husband to take the next right.  They pull up in front of a house that has a sign that says: FOR SALE TO DISCRIMINATING BUYER.  Ben says “discriminating buyer” means it is expensive.  But in 1960, it might have meant something else.  On the plus side, there is a tree for Kate’s swing and it might already have a rope.

The owner, Amelia Gastell, appears and tells them the house is 107 years old.  The Kendalls buy the house even though it is far from any other kids for Kate to play with.  To their surprise, as they are unpacking, Kate mentions meeting a new friend named Lettie at the nearby creek.

Lettie told her about riding in a gig. [1] Kate’s father has to explain to her and to me that a gig is a horse-drawn carriage.  Phyllis says Lettie’s family sounds “like a religious sect — like those people who won’t wear buttons.”  Say, the Kendalls are discriminating buyers.

When Phyllis later sees Kate talking to no one at the nearby creek, she figures out that Lettie is an imaginary friend.  Her father asks if that is the case.  Kate insists Lettie is real.  She even has a picture that Lettie drew of her aunt Bridget Bishop who appears to be puritan.

During a house-call, Kate’s doctor recognizes the name Bridget Bishop.  Ben finds her name and picture in a book about Salem.  She was hung in 1692 for witchcraft.  A local preacher shows Phyllis the grave of Lauretta Bishop who died of the pox in 1694.

That night, Ben goes to Kate’s room to check her fever.  She is wearing a necklace of buzzard bones that she says Lettie gave her “to keep off the pox” and a No Pest Strip to keep off the flies.

Amelia is hired as a babysitter so the Kendalls can have a date-night.  She agrees that Kate needs a real friend to play with.  Ben says, “If you hear about an agency that rents out little girls, let us know.”  After the Kendalls leave, she looks for Jeffrey Epstein’s card.

The next morning at breakfast, Kate startles her parents by asking, “What is an exorcism?”  They are interrupted by Amelia who has brought over a girl Kate’s age.  It is Judy Davidson, the daughter of her milkman.  Today, Kate would ask, “What is a milkman?”

Upstairs, in Kate’s room, it is clear from Judy’s speech that she is possessed by Lettie.  She speaks such archaic sentences as:

  • Twas a fine notion, mistress Kate.
  • Would that we had started it sooner.
  • I want to grow up to be an objective journalist.

Kate warns her to not talk “in that old-fashioned way” so she is not caught and exorcised or banned from Twitter.

Well, I’m glad Kate has a little friend, but what happened to the real Judy?  Did her soul disappear?  Is she stuck silently in that body?  Is she doomed to helplessly watch Lettie’s life the way the poor sap in Source Code was doomed to be stuck in Jake Gyllenhaal, helplessly banging Michelle Monaghan for the rest of his life?  Actually, that doesn’t sound so bad.  Actually, it sounds better than my life.

Not much going on here. No murder, and a dash of the supernatural make this a poor fit for AHP.  I rate it 65 in the shade.

Other Stuff

  • AHP Deathwatch:  Veronica and Angela Cartwright are still with us.  Strangely, on IMDb, Veronica is credited as Kate; Angela is credited as Lettie (uncredited), who we never see.  Sadly, the writer of the original short story died this year of COVID-19.
  • [1] The fact that Kate is torturing a frog at the time seems coincidental to their mention of gigs.
  • For more information about the source material and production, check out bare*bones e-zine.
  • Pictures are of Julie Adams (Phyllis) in Creature from the Black Lagoon because it is 1:09 am.