Category Archives: TV

Thriller – The Cheaters (12/27/60)

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tcheaters01I always considered Robert Bloch’s screenplay to Psycho to be about as perfect as you can get — well-paced, quotable, manipulative, funny, scary.  I guess it should be no surprise that 3 of these first 5 episodes of Thriller — Fan Favorites — have been written by him or adapted from his work.  I would like to read more of his work, but sorry Amazon, I’m not shelling out $18 for a paperback of his best.

A not particularly useful prologue (hey, who wrote this rubbish!)[1] shows us a very crabby Dr. Van Prinn inventing a new type of spectacles.  When he tries them on, he looks in a mirror and screams in horror much as I do at Eye-Glass World.  They’re just glasses — they aren’t going to make me look like George Clooney.

Van Prinn is so distraught at what he sees (but we do not) that he screams in horror. Host Boris Karloff informs us that he hanged himself before dawn.  Rather than destroy the damnable specs so no one else suffers his fate — won’t someone please think of the children! — he apparently tucks them away in a desk drawer where they remain for 200 years.

Act II

tcheaters02Maggie and Joe live in a modest home (better than the Kramdens’ apartment, maybe more like Norton’s — which always sounded a little nicer, but I’m not sure was ever seen).  Maggie is just the kind of nagging shrew that we usually get from Alfred Hitchcock.  She is berating poor junkman Joe about bidding $100 on a blind lot from an abandoned building.  She is really a harridan, continuing to insult him as his young, single, handsome, athletic employee Harry enters the apartment.

They find nothing but disintegrating books, a lot of cobwebs, and broken furniture. Charlie mocks Joe just as his wife did and leaves thinking they have been had; but Joe finds the glasses which have been hidden away for 200 years.  He has been having trouble seeing, so these are the titular “cheaters” in the optical sense of the word.

When Joe gets home, Maggie is as dolled up as she can get.  She apologizes for being so rotten and selfish that morning.  When he puts on the titular cheaters, though, he can hear the truth from Maggie and see her “true” face — she plans to kill him. Charlie comes over to the house and Joe, through the specs, can see their unexpressed thoughts.  A gas company wants to buy their property for big bucks (because where better to drill than in a residential neighborhood (well (no pun intended), this was in the days before the EPA was created by Richard Nixon (that’s right, Richard freakin’ Nixon!)).  Not only that, Charlie and Maggie are planning to kill him — which explains Charlie’s interest in this 20-year older . . . I’m running out of synonyms that don’t stat with C.[2]

Joe brutally takes a tire iron to Maggie and Charlie.  A policemen overhears the disturbance and runs into the house.  Joe looks at the glasses and yells, “the cheaters, the cheaters!” adding a nice double-meaning to the title.  He raises the tire iron to pulverize the spectacles, but is gunned down like Michael Brown — except he was going for the glasses and not for the cop’s gun; or to attack him physically; or to rob a convenience store; or to assault a clerk.  Otherwise, pretty similar.

Act III

tcheaters03The story cleverly maintains continuity by having the glasses show up in an estate sale to get rid of the contents of Maggie and Joe’s home.  They are purchased by an old woman who can see that her children are planning to murder her.  She sees through the specs that the trustee of her husband’s estate is in on the murder plot so she jams a gigantic hatpin into his heart.  That hat must have been the size of Turd Ferguson’s.

Act IV

tcheaters04A year later, at a costume party, her son is mocked for lacking spectacles to complete his Ben Franklin get-up. Once his wife provides the specs, he finds he can hear his guests’ thoughts about the cards they are holding.  When he accuses another player of cheating, it gets turned around so he appears to be guilty. There is a fight and Thomas Jefferson clubs him in the head, accidentally killing him.  Cleverly, another twist on the word “cheater.”

Act V

tcheaters05Sebastian Grimm, one of the players at the game, takes the specs, suspecting that they have some special property.  He is writing a book about the glasses and goes to the old Van Prinn place, abandoned for decades.  He wants to know why Van Prinn hanged himself.  His wife begs him to not go upstairs, to go home with her.

He goes up, puts on the cheaters and looks in the mirror just like Van Prinn.  Grimm sees a hideous reflection, for reasons I am not clear on.  Did he do something that I missed?  Was it the hubris to think he could look within his own soul?  Was he seeing the evil that is in all humans?.  He screams in horror and claws at his face until it is bloody.

On the plus side, he does stomp on the glasses and put and end to their trail of carnage.  So there should be some redemption for that.

Great episode.

Post-Post:

  • [1]In retrospect, the prologue was an integral part of the story.  But am I going to start rewriting at 1 am?  Well, for that matter, is there any evidence that I ever do?
  • [2] Ya kinda need to know the yacht is name The Seaward.  Thanks for mangling one of the best jokes of the series.  And screwing up the aspect ratio.
  • Etymology Corner:  I’ve been using “for that matter” a lot lately — kind of a weird phrase.  I recently bookmarked an article on “believe you me” that I will actually read some day.
  • For all my praise of Robert Bloch, he did write 3 of my least favorite episodes of Star Trek.  On the other hand, dude wrote 3 MFing episodes of Star Trek!
  • Title Analysis:  Finally, I can give an A.  The multiple meanings and continuity were beautiful.

Ray Bradbury Theater – The Anthem Sprinters (08/21/92)

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Image 001This one is 3rd from the bottom on the always-suspect IMDb ratings. Tyrannosaurus Rex had its moments (grading on the RBT scale, of course), and Exorcism was almost, but not completely, without merit. This episode though . . .

Several previous episodes have been curiosities because they were made by directors with no other credits. This episode is unique in that the director does not even have this credit to his name.  No director is credited, not even Alan Smithee.

American writer Douglas (no first name, just like the director) is browsing through an Irish used bookstore.  “Douglas is the name and writer I am,” he says to himself. Sounds kind of Yoda-like — maybe George Lucas directed it.  Naw, shame never caused him to remove his name from the credits.

Image 002He stumbles across a 1916 first edition of Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce.  He is pretty careless with the book considering it goes for about £20,000 these days.  He is reading it as he leaves the store, running into a local drunk (just an assumption on my part).

The drunk — Doone — drags Douglas to a pub which he describes as a theater.  It also happens to be across the street from a real theater — a real old theater as it is showing a Deanna Durbin joint.

Douglas says that he has noticed in theaters that the movie is always followed by a playing of the Irish National Anthem.  He also noticed that it is a race to get out of the theater between the end of the film and the beginning of the anthem by certain goofballs known as Anthem Sprinters.

Image 008A race is set up with some pretty steep stakes — the James Joyce 1st edition vs a Program signed by Sean O’Casey.  Douglas foolishly bets on the dark horse, who does not emerge from the theater.  They find him still in his seat with a tear in his eye for the songs in the movie.

The race is restaged, but this time none of the old drunks move as they are in tears at the anthem.

I don’t get it at all.  Is it some sort of commentary on English / Irish relations?

Post-Post:

  • Doone was memorable playing a monk on an episode of The Odd Couple 21 years earlier.  However, I’ll forget this role before dinner.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Guest for Breakfast (02/23/58)

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ahpguestfor011950s housewife Eve is preparing a breakfast that looks like the buffet at the Hilton — actual brewed coffee, toast, eggs, fresh-squeezed orange juice.  All this is very strange in that Eve and husband Jordan are constantly but eruditely sniping at each other and are on the verge of a divorce.  Why would she go to such trouble for him if the last ingredient wasn’t rat poison?

I must say though, the bickering is pretty entertaining, and well-played in that non-plussed British style where each insult is met calmly with an equally pointed retort. Asses will have no caps busted up them in this fine home.

It is strange, though not problematic, that the style changes dramatically at this point. The first scene is played strictly for deadpan laughs.  Once the intruder arrives, it becomes a farce without the laughs — yet remains comical throughout.  Whether it is a failure or brilliant balancing of styles, you can only answer for yourself (hint: brilliant).

They are interrupted by the doorbell.  A man in a rumpled suit immediately elbows his way inside and pulls out a pistol.  When Jordan comes out of the kitchen and sees his wife with a disheveled stranger, his calm response is, “Well now, this is a highly interesting development.”  He assumes Eve is having an affair, but even when he sees the gun, he very calm.

Chester the intruder demands something to eat.  He says, “The cops are after me.  I killed two people yesterday.  Only the first one counts.  You can figure that one out, can’t ya?”

ahpguestfor02Jordan says, “Yes, I think I grasp the general meaning.”  Well he’s one up on me.  What could that mean?  That it only takes one to make a man a murderer? That the second was a cop in pursuit?

Chester plans to take the car, and Jordan says that is fine as he takes the train to work and dismissively says he really must be going before he is missed at an important meeting.  His refusal to buy into this lethal situation really is a unique take.  When he describes how someone at the office will come looking for him, Chester agrees to let him go and keep Eve as a hostage — which is OK by Jordan.

Eve protests to poor Chester — yeah, I’m starting to feel sorry for him — that Jordan won’t come back, or that he will call the police just so Eve will be killed.  “He’s been trying to get rid of me for a year.  Ask him about Sylvia Lester.”

“Who’s that?” asks Chester.

Jordan says Eve is crazy, Sylvia is just an author he works with.  Eve and Jordan start bickering about divorce as if Chester isn’t even there.  Chester gets fed up and tells Jordan to just call in sick.

After Jordan hangs up, Chester admits that the two people he killed were his wife and the guy she was fooling around with.  So I guess he killed the guy second and he was the one who “didn’t count.”

ahpguestfor03Chester thinks maybe having someone in the car would get him through the roadblocks.  Eve says since Jordan was so anxious to leave, to take him.

Chester says he could do that but would have to shoot Eve to keep her from calling the cops.

So then Eve offers to go with him, surely a couple would not be stopped at a roadblock. Jordan points out that the exhausted Chester will need help driving and Eve doesn’t have a license.  Eve assures him that they would never shoot at a woman. Jordan assures him that he will take turns on the driving.  Both of them are playing to Chester and repeatedly throwing the other under the bus.

Finally, Chester decides to take Eve.  As he is leaving with Eve and preparing to shoot her husband, Jordan reminds Chester that he will need money.  Jordan can get the money for him at the bank — and it’s not a joint account.  He offers to write a check for $500, but only at the bank.

ahpguestfor04Eve rats him out that he keeps that much in a box in the bedroom upstairs.  As they go up the stairs, Jordan tricks Chester into chasing Eve downstairs as he locks himself in the bedroom.  There are more twists and turns as Eve and Jordan continually try to get the other killed.

The ending is sweet even if the last line is cringe-worthy.  This really was a great episode in both premise and performance.

Post-Post:

  • AHP Deathwatch:  Two outta three ain’t bad; unfortunately all three are dead.
  • Note all the 1950’s tropes — dutiful wife still cooks a full breakfast for a man she hates, she has no job, she has no license, she is not on the checking account. Maybe Hillary was right, this was slavery.
  • Jordan often looks very much like Phil Hartman.
  • The comical screenplay is by Robert C. Dennis who wrote for such other laugh-riots as Dragnet and Perry Mason.  He also wrote four episodes of Batman, oddly all of them featured King Tut as the villain. Maybe he was working pro-buo…..I can’t even write it.
  • For a more thorough review and background on the players and production, head over to bare-bones ezine.

Night Gallery – The Other Way Out (11/19/72)

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Brad Meredith (Ross Martin) returns to the office after a cruise with the missus.  Maybe it is a forgotten 70’s custom, but he is welcomed back to the office with a huge vase of roses.  I just returned after a few days off and didn’t get shit.

His oddly hot secretary (could have been Kitty’s mother on Arrested Development) is catching him up on mail and hands him a strange hand-written note suggesting that he might find something of interest on Page 5 of the March 14th newspaper.  He is startled to see an article titled “Go-Go Dancer Mysteriously Slain”.  23 year old Marilou Doubleday, a dancer at a local topless bar has been found dead.

ngotherway03At the golf club, he finds that another letter has surreptitiously been slipped into his coat pocket.  This one instructs him that full instructions can be found in his glove compartment.  The valet gets his Caddy . . . or did the caddy get his valet?  No, the valet gets his Caddy.  Sure enough, in the glove compartment, there is more information.  And isn’t it about time we found a new name for the glove compartment / glove box?  Is anyone still storing their Dick Dastardly goggles and gloves in these things?  Of course, maybe the goofy concept of measuring the engine by the number of horses it equals should be the first step into the 21st century.

Someone has left a picture of the topless girl — sadly only a head-shot — and a map.  He is instructed to bring the money at 11 pm or “tardiness will produce lamentable results.”  Who wrote this thing, William F. Buckley?  Stating the amount of money might have been helpful, but maybe it’s like an interview — never limit yourself by saying how much you can earn in a year.

ngotherway04Also, the map is utterly useless.  He is presumably starting from San Bernardino, then is to veer off to the right onto an unnamed road.  That road shows an X at the 7-mile mark for no discernible reason.  Then the maps says “To Hesperia 11 Mi.”  It then shows the unnamed road meandering to a T junction labelled Hesperia.  On the other hand, it is easy to refold and takes up little room in the glove compartment (means nothing to the GPS generation, I know).

That night, he heads out to Hisperia (in blatant disregard for Hesperia as mentioned in the letter).  He stops at a sign that says Hisperia 11 Mi. — just as was indicated on the map — to check his briefcase, cash, and gun.  After resuming, he swerves to avoid a fallen telephone pole and runs aground, requiring him to hoof it the rest of the way.

ngotherway06He finds a house with the lights on. Getting no answer at the door, he lets himself him; as you do.  He is startled by Burl Ives who tells him the phone is out — hey, foreshadowing! — and he can’t loan out the car without consulting Sonny who is at the movies.

He is shocked when Ives locks him in a room.  Even more so when he sees several pictures with the faces cut out.  The head-shot he found in his glove compartment perfectly fits one of them.  Ives re-enters with a shotgun and says that was his grand-daughter, Sonny’s sister in the picture.

ngotherway05Meredith attempts to escape, but Ives’ wild dogs keep him in the house.  He managed to shoot several of them, but only has one bullet left.  And Ive’s ominously reminds him that Sonny is on the way.  He does, however, taunt Meredith that there is the titular “one way out.”

There are two twists.  Neither are original, but both are always fun tropes, so no hard feelings.  Pretty good episode marred only by the absolute-zero performance of Sonny. He could have been hammy, campy, horrific, comedic, almost anything.  Sadly he was an absolute nothing.  Still, he played a certain part and left Meredith wimpering in horror, so ya gotta respect that.

Post-Post:

  • Twilight Zone Legacy:  Ross Martin was in 2 episodes.
  • $10,000 in 1972 dollars would be $57,000 in 2015.

ngotherway01

Tales From the Crypt – King of the Road (08/08/92)

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tftckingof01Brad Pitt — yes, that Brad Pitt — is street racing some dude.  It isn’t much of a race as the other guy inexplicably goes out of control — driving in a straight line — and does several barrel rolls.  Pitt didn’t really do anything except drive in a straight line.  He could have gotten out and run the last quarter mile and still won.

The next morning, Pitt pays a visit to a nice respectable member of the law enforcement community who once went by the name of “Iceman.”  Joe Garrett denies his street racing past, but Pitt’s character is — surprisingly — smart enough to see through the ruse.

They cross paths again at the malt shop where Iceman’s daughter Carey works.   Iceman is called away but Pitt hits on his daughter and takes her for a spin — tftckingof02because he’s Brad Pitt — before dropping her at home.  Before leaving her house, he leaves a few items in the Garrett mailbox — a big hairy spider and some newspaper clippings of a death that Iceman was involved in years earlier.

There is a bit about blackmail and Carey tied up in a trunk with a ball-gag in her mouth, but nothing much comes of it — sadly.  Iceman agrees to a race.

They are even-stephen crossing the finish line, but Pitt runs head-on into a bulldozer.  His last action is to drop his lighter, sending his wrecked car up in flames, and turning him into a  . . . wait for it . . .barbecue Pitt.

tftckingof03This would be close to an absolute zero without Pitt — there’s a reason the guy is a star.  The Iceman turned in a nice performance too.  The only other character, Carey, is mostly a non-entity.  She is given little to do and does little with it.

The big let-down is the story — there really is none.  No twist, nothing supernatural, no plot except guy A challenges guy B to a race in a straight line and guy A is so addle he runs into a stationary bulldozer.

Post-Post:

  • Sorry to speak ill of the dead, but the episode had some typically annoying music by Warren Zevon.  I’m also not crazy about The Dead.
  • Title Analysis:  Pointless since they wasted the perfect opportunity to use the great, titular King of the Road.