Category Archives: TV

Ray Bradbury Theater – The Long Rain (09/19/92)

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rbtlongrain01Screwed again.  One of Bradbury’s most famous stories and is it in “100 of His Most Celebrated Tales”?  It is not.

Four men crash on Venus, although they are traveling in a craft named Neptune; perhaps a wrong turn at Albuquerque.  But then, the Atlantis didn’t go to Atlantis; but Challenger on the other hand . . .  well, never mind.  Still too soon.

Venus, according to Bradbury science, is a tropical planet of non-stop rain.  Like Mars, the air is breathable.  The crew’s GPS tells them it is 8 miles to the nearest Sun-Dome. These are structures built so that travelers have a permanent warm, dry place to stay while visiting Venus, kind of a One-Seasons Hotel.

They make their way to the Sun Dome at about 1 mile an hour, not rbtlongrain03aexactly a breakneck pace considering the path seems pretty clear for them.  Hour by hour, mile by mile, the GPS calls out their progress.  Somehow, they end up right back at their ship like the time my goddamn GPS took me in circles for an hour trying to get in the DFW airport.  But I digress.

Going in a circle and ending up back at the ship makes sense if you are the dolts from The Blair Witch Project using a map (did they have a map?  Or did they have a compass, but not the brains to use it?  Or were they just staring at Heather’s ass instead of watching the terrain?).  But explorers using a GPS type of device?  That is a Prometheus-level of stupidity.

The men go a little crazy being lost in the non-stop rain.  Boltz destroys the GPS and drowns himself by swallowing the rain, Cooper opens himself up to be killed by lightning. Captain Trask and Simmons start out again for the Sun Dome.

Only an hour from the Sun Dome, Simmons gives up and they have a long argument. What’s strange is that in the shots of Trask, he is in pouring rain, but in shots of Simmons, it doesn’t seem to be raining at all.  This is the ultimate continuity error as it should be CONTINUOUSLY raining — that is the defining characteristic of Venus in the story, the constant maddening rain.

rbtlongrain10Only Trask is left to make it to the Sun Dome.  He makes it to the Dome and opens the doors to the warm, dry interior.  And then something happens. No, wait, nothing happens.  This might be the most pointless story in the series, and that’s saying something.

This episode is — ahem — awash with poor decisions.

rbtlongrain03Instead, in the original short story, the group begins falling apart when the first Sun Dome they reach has been destroyed by Venusians.  My guess is that this pivotal point was ruined by budgetary constraints — less effective, but much cheaper to just show the ship twice.

More could have been done with some men just breaking and staring up at the sky until they drown from the rain — an interesting idea that gets about 10 seconds here.

Similarly short shrift is given to the carnivorous plants.  If you die, they lasso your body and I presume drag you off somewhere to be eaten.  A few times when the men aren’t moving fast enough, the ivy wrapped it self around their ankles and they had to break free.  Fortunately this wasn’t directed by Sam Raimi.

rbtlongrain09

Oh my God, I’ve lose my entire crew in the last few — hey is that a sauna?

And what of that Sun Dome?  It is pretty clear that Trask makes it and enjoys a nice warm day at the spa.  A little ambiguity of his fate, or remorse for his men would have been welcome.

Post-Post:

  • Does anything ever get long shrift?

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Right Kind of House (03/09/58)

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ahprightkind02Well, right kind is a very subjective term.

Mr. Waterbury sees a sign for Ivy Corners, population 6,000 and seems to like the cut of the town’s jib.  Although, if I know AHP, the population will soon be 5,999.

He goes to the real estate office of Aaron Hacker to inquire about a house that he has his eye on.  Even though Hacker has the listing on the house, he tries to steer Waterbury to another home. Waterbury offers $9,500, but the owner Sadie Grimes is asking $50,000, possibly explaining why it has been on the market for 5 years.

Waterbury goes to see Sadie and shocks her and Hacker by agreeing to buy to house for the outrageous $50,000.  As if that isn’t enough, she pulls the geezer trick of giving him a lemonade and making him listen to an interminable story about people he doesn’t know  Sadie tells him about her dead youngest son who had gone to the big city and become very successful.  He used to send her money every month, but something went awry.ahprightkind01

Michael never told his mother about his problems, but he showed up in the middle of one night after 9 years. He just claimed to be sick of his job, so he quit and came home to mommy for a few weeks.  In reality, he admits he was fired and is very protective of a little black bag he was carrying.

He hung out for a long time, never going out.  And this was in the days before ESPN, blogging and internet porn, so what did I — er, he — he do all day?  His mother treated him like Little Lord Clavin, but the black bag was never seen again, and she never searched for it, having little interest in porn.

One night, it ended as he got late night visitors who were either the rest of his gang or the most persuasive Jehovah’s Witnesses ever.  When Michael would not donate the loot, whatever their identities, they killed him (although to be fair, that doesn’t sound like a Jehovah’s Witness).  The sheriff tells his mother that Michael had been a naughty boy in New York.  He and three other men had held up a bank and stolen $200,000.  Michael ended up ahprightkind03with all the loot, see?

An insurance investigator with the sheriff is more interested in finding the $200,000.  Ms. Grimes denies seeing the money or even the black bag. That was 5 years ago, and she immediately put the house up for sale for $50,000.  She asks Waterbury if he thinks the bank would accept $50,000 as full restitution for the theft.  He seems to think so after this long.

Waterbury has caught her in a lie about the little black bag, and she readily admits it. She was waiting for the only person in the world who would pay $50,000 for this modest house — a person who thought there was $200,000 hidden inside.  And that would be the man who killed her boy — her 40 year old boy.  He would have been on his own gwown-up health care plan for 14 years.

ahprightkind05Waterbury smugly tells her that she shouldn’t have told him this story until after she called the police.  She calmly replies that she didn’t tell him the story until after he drank the lemonade. LOL.  OK, that deserves my second ever 🙂 .

Post-Post:

  • AHP Deathwatch: James Drury is still with us.
  • So I guess the population will indeed go down to 5,998 as Waterbury croaks and Ms. Grimes is sent to the big house.

Night Gallery – She’ll Be Company for You (12/24/72)

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This one is painful.  Maybe it’s because it is following a run of pretty good reviews.  Or maybe it is just awful.

Henry Auden is at the funeral of his wife.  He loved her, but she had become a burden with her wheelchair and her bell that she would ring to call him.  Of course, he could have save a lot of trouble by having her bedroom on the first floor.  Truthfully, he is relieved to have her gone.  As soon as the funeral wraps up, Maggie’s best friend Barbara (Chief Brody’s wife in Jaws) tells Henry that they need to go back to his house, to Maggie’s bedroom.  This woman is a player.

Sadly, Barbara is just a nut who just wanted too see the room and see if Maggie still somehow occupied it.  Downstairs, Henry believes he hears the bell that Maggie had used to summon him.  He accuses Barbara of ringing it, but she is coy about whether she did or not — way too coy for the story.

Barbara feels bad for Henry all alone in the big house, but apparently the bedroom tease leads to nothing.  She does, however, send him her cat Jennet to keep him company.

ngshellkeep02In addition to hearing the bell ringing, Henry also hears the roars of large jungle cats just outside his home.  He even believes he sees their shadows.

The next day he hears the bell again in concert with the roaring cats.  This sets not only his head spinning, but his entire body as the director apparently had him standing on a lazy-susan.  Now there’s a behind-the-scenes photo I want to see.  Finally, he thinks he’s sees a leopard in the doorway.

That night he hears the ringing again, but he sees the bell sitting on the table.  In fact, when he examines it, there is no clapper.  OK, that proves there was no ringing, but there must have been one in there when Maggie was alive.  What happened to it? Nothing happened to it — it was just needed for a story point.

ngshellkeep04Hearing another roar, Henry looks out Maggie’s bedroom window.  The leopard has changed its spots; in fact, he changed them into stripes because he’s a tiger now.  Henry looks for a weapon in the kitchen. Initially picking up a rolling pin.

Remembering he is not a 1950’s housewife, he discards it for a carving knife about the size of a machete.  What were they have at Thanksgiving, ostrich?  Even with that lethal weapon,he’s pretty ballsy going after a tiger.

He begins hacking away at foliage, even beginning with some plants in the house.  He gets glimpses of the tiger slinking away, but never catches him before falling exhausted to the ground.  He walks back to the house, still hearing the bell.  He dutifully marches up to Maggie’s bedroom.

Barbara comes by to see Henry that day and we see Jennet his lapping up blood dripping from his mauled body.

ngshellkeep05Post-Post:

  • Or maybe it was all just a bad case of tinnitus.
  • Twilight Zone Legacy:  Leonard Nimoy was in A Quality of Mercy.
  • The director has only 3 directing credits but a ton of Director of Photography credits, including the just about the entire run of Star Trek. so, that Leonard Nimoy was really a good sport.
  • The director has admitted he was over his head in directing this episode.  The writer also accepted some blame, but he has a pretty impressive resume.

Tales From the Crypt – Split Personality (08/26/92)

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Image 002Burt Young, playing a role even dumber than Paulie in the Rocky movies, somehow thinks that 1) his stack of $50 chips are $5 chips, and 2) that he is in big trouble showing 10 in Blackjack.  After unsuccessfully pleading with the dealer (an uncredited Joe Pantoliano) to let him off the hook, he gets a 9 so is sitting fairly pretty (a first for Burt Young) at 19.

Joey Pants reminds him that the dealer could have 20.  Joe Pesci strolls over and encourages him the that next card is will be a 2, paying 5 to 1 for 5-card Charlie, a prospect as smelly as a One Wipe Charlie.  So the poor sap loses everything and — no, wait, he actually gets a 2 and wins a fistful of dollars!

He goes to give Pesci a tip for his asinine, almost sure-to-bankrupt-him advice.  Joe tells him he can’t accept a small gratuity.  On the other hand, Pesci Image 006has the inside line on a no-risk, tax free limited partnership guaranteed to to double all the money almost overnight.

At the bar, Young and Pesci discuss this fail-proof scheme.  Pesci says he has always had a thing about the number 2 — Young drawing the 2, this deal to double the cash.  So Young ends up penniless after all. Oddy Pesci is celebrating with only one hooker.

The next day, a black cat crosses the road causing him to run off the road and blow a tire on his BMW.  He ignores the warning signs and walks to a nearby house featuring identical classic convertibles in the driveway.  When he gets to the strangely designed pink house, in inimitable Joe Pesci style, he says, “What the fuck is this shit?” [1]

Image 014As in every TV episode on this blog, he lets himself into the house to use the phone.  He is surprised when a beautiful brunette pulls a gun on him as he is looking at a picture of the house’s architect — her father — on a magazine cover.  And further surprised when her twin sister appears.

It is quite reasonable that Pesci would would try a scam to pass himself off as an admirer of her father’s work based on a glimpse of the magazine cover,  But then he spouts off about the architect’s other buildings, German Expressionistic influence, 1950’s Futurism, Bauhaus — HTF does he know all that by looking at one picture?

The girls — April and June — are charmed by Pesci’s miraculous knowledge of their father’s work and invite him to have a drink, probably a double.  Unfortunately, just as he learns the twins are Image 016worth $2 billion, the tow truck driver shows up.  Which is really strange because 1) it didn’t take 2 hours, and 2) Pesci was holding down the phone cradle buttons (i.e.was faking the call, for those unfamiliar with 20th century tabletop rotary phones).

But the girls invite him back, and they go out multiple time.  He is amazingly 1) able to get them out of the hermit-like existence of their house, and 2) able to get them to be seen in public with him.  As he continues the story to his solitary hooker.

He starts charming each of them individually and they agree that they wish there were two of him.  In order to marry both of them, ensuring that he can scam them out off all their money, he pretends to suddenly remember he is a twin.  One always has to stay in South Africa to oversee their business interests.  Soon, the twins marry the “twins.”

Image 036Eventually, a tell-tale clue (which sadly requires only Pesci to be topless) enables them to figure out the scam.

There are a couple of twists and, more importantly, a couple of bustiers.  The twins might not be great actresses, but there were beautiful enough to deserve longer careers.  Joe Pesci was a force of nature as always.  Kudos to him for restraining his career and not wearing out his welcome by appearing in 3 movies a year.

No split decision on this one – good episode.

Image 049Post-Post:

  • [1] I wouldn’t have done that for anyone but Pesci.

 

Thriller – The Incredible Doktor Markesan (02/26/62)

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Yeah, but FREE HBO.

Fred & Molly Bancroft pull up to his uncle’s house in a snazzy VW Beetle convertible hoping for some charity.  Fred has written letters to his uncle, but much like my letters to Brit Marling, they have gone unanswered (note: I have written no letters to Brit Marling).  Once the finest estate in the county, it is now a run-down hovel; but one of them 20,000 square foot hovels.

As in every horror show, when there is no answer to their knock, they feel free to let themselves in.

After looking around the dusty, cob-webby, run-down mansion, they finally encounter the run-down man who dwells there (notice I didn’t say “lives there” — see what I did there?), Fred’s uncle Doktor Konrad Markesan.  OK, Konrad is your given name, but you’ve been working in an American university, so let’s cut the Doktor crap (Ich habe nicht für 4 Jahre die medizinische Schule gehen zu Herrn genannt.”)

He invites them into the library where Fred lights a fire, wisely, in the fireplace.  I think the hulking dried out husk of Markesan is in more danger of going up in flames than the old books. He stares dead-eyed as they talk about their trip.  He says he never received Fred’s letters because he has been away; and will be leaving again soon.

He offers them a room upstairs with the proviso that they not ever leave tdoktor03the bedroom at night.  Fred admits that they are flat broke and are hoping Markesan can pull some strings to get them jobs at the Penrose University. Sadly, he is no longer associated with the institution; and those aren’t strings, they’re cob-webs . . . actually on him.  He further warns them not to let anyone at Penrose know he has returned, because his work is highly secret.

That night they go to their room, and just to be sure they don’t go exploring, Markesan locks them in.  They look to the window to escape this fire trap, but it has iron bars.  And they see Markesan shambling out into the bog.

That night, Fred discovers that Markesan is reanimating the dead.  He seems to be convening the corpses nightly until they regain their humanity, and are not slow-witted zombies.  It might help if he kept them in the house and didn’t take them back to the crypt each night.

tdoktor07The next night, Fred sneaks out of the room again.  Again, Markesan has brought his moaning dead pals back to the house.  He has each of them laid out in caskets getting inter-venous feedings.  At midnight, Fred goes to see Markesan’s former professor Angus Holden, holder of the most expansive office hours in college history.  Typically a college professor’s of 12:00 – 12:15 office hours are PM, not AM.

Holden says that Markesan was forced to resign when he began experimenting with reanimating the dead using an extract from mold found in graves.  Well then, wouldn’t every dead body be coming back to life?  I guess the extract is the secret ingredient; like Retsin.  Maybe it’s an ancient Chinese secret ingredient — that’s why there are so many of them.

tdoktor08Molly can’t stand being cooped up, so she too sneaks out of the room. She creeps downstairs and sees the four dead men shambling in.

Meanwhile, out in the bog, Fred goes to the Markesan crypt.  He finds the previous generations still stowed away, but Konrad’s slot is open even though it says he died 8 year ago.

When he runs back to the house to tell Molly, he finds Markesan.  The Doktor says not only can he bring the dead back to life, but he can prolong his own existence forever.  Rarely has such a good episode created so many questions.

Markesan looks like death, not even warmed over, but rolled on a gurney through a warm room.  But he is alive.  Who reanimated him?  He was not saved by his life-prolonging research, he actually had a crypt with a date of death.

Why does he keep marching the intern zombies back out to the unseen bog or crypts or cemetery instead of letting them reside in their comfortable satin-lined coffins where they get they IVs?  Maybe it’s all that moaning.  Maybe some better surroundings, a little Mozart, a few paintings might have humanized them.  Also some Lysol spray and Fabreeze, I imagine.

tdoktor05Of course, when Fred returns, he sees dead-eyed Molly closing herself into a casket. Why, since the secret ingredient was not the blood of a young hottie?  If they killed her to keep the secret, why reanimate her? And why does she get to sleep in the comfy satin coffin — just because she’s a chick?

I’m not that crazy over Karloff as a performer.  He has all the range of Shemp.  He’s a good performer, but pretty much one dead note.  Dick York plays a good everyman, and his wife was fine; however, she was as out of his league as Samantha.  Part of Thriller’s effectiveness is its overbearing Psycho-like shrieking score, but even that works to unnerve you.

I rate it zehr gut.

Post-Post:

  • Konrad Markesan is played by series host Boris Karloff.
  • Dick York is much better and much better cast here than in Vicious Circle.