Tales From the Crypt – Well Cooked Hams (11/03/93)

tftchams1Billy Zane is a magician doing something and his hat catches fire.

If I seem less than thrilled, you are indeed perceptive — maybe it is external influences. There actually are several things to like here. Maybe I’ll just dwell on these rather than unfairly criticizing the episode.

Billy Zane is actually pretty good as the incompetent magician Miles Federman.

His assistant Maryam d’Abo is absolutely beautiful although given too little to do and saddled with a terrible accent — oops sorry, trying to stay positive here.  Her twin blonde replacements are pretty snappy numbers also.

tftchams2The real episode-maker, though, is Martin Sheen playing a role unlike any I’ve ever seen him portray (i.e. not indistinguishable from actor Martin Sheen).  Sheen is unrecognizable as Kraygen — literally, as I did not recognize him (although I finally placed the voice).

The sets are interesting, and the score is fine.  I really don’t know why I was so uninvolved in the episode.

Post-Post:

  • Title Analysis: Not quite as pathetic as People Who Live in Brass Hearses.  At least half of this one makes sense.
  • Andrew Kevin Walker went on to write Se7en.  So, I’m not about to fault him for my ennui.

 

Tales of Tomorrow – Age of Peril (02/15/52)

ttageperil01

The Bureau of Scientific Investigation apparently has its offices on the roof of the Capitol.

This episode takes place in the distant future year of 1965.  And still no flying cars.

The Bureau of Scientific Investi-gation tells Larry Calhoun they have top secret info which must be forgotten when his job is done. The US has developed a new missile, the R8D. Somehow part of the plans were stolen and Calhoun is to investigate.  His boss tells him to take along the new Lie Detector machine which is described as “the most important device in criminology” since the doughnut.

At the plant, Calhoun finds security tight.  He meets the detector’s inventor Dr. Chappell and his daughter Phyllis.  Calhoun decides to test all 580 employees at the plant, from the chairman to the janitor.  If it only took 5 minutes each, that would be 2 full 24 hour days.

Calhoun tests the lie detector himself.  He purposely tells a whopper and the machine accurately busts him on it.  None of the 580 employees are caught in a lie, however. Calhoun is still sure it is an inside job.  When he determines that the phone is tapped, he uses that opportunity to have a bogus conversation with the security officer.

That night, having taken the bait, a man breaks in to steal the plans.  He surprised that a camera inside the safe takes his picture as he opens it, and he runs away.  But not before having a nice 8×10 glossy taken of him.

ttageperil03They question the man in the photo, Elwood.  He plays dumb about the theft and the wire tap.  He demands to be tested by the lie detector. Hooked up to the gizmo, he claims to innocent, and the machine says he is telling the truth — he has beaten the lie detector.

Back at the Bureau of Scientific Investigation, Calhoun’s boss tells him that 48 men across the country have beaten the lie detector.  He tells Calhoun that if this problem isn’t solved, “this country will move into a new [titular] age of peril in which criminals have the upper hand.”

Calhoun goes back to the plant to see the security officer and Irene.  At Calhoun’s insistence, the security czar finally agrees to take the test.  He too passes.  When Chappell removes the sensors, however, the needle jumps when Calhoun mentions a man in California who beat the machine.

Well, well, well . . . it turns out Dr. Chappell has been hypnotizing murderers, rapists, thieves and various low-life burdens on society so that they could beat the lie detecting machine that he invented.  Calhoun and his boss point out the danger of his plan.

ttageperil05Chappell replies that he is not just hypnotizing them to beat the machine, he is hypnotizing them to not be criminals any more; also to cluck like a chicken.  Calhoun is a brilliant guy because he asks the question that I was thinking: “What about the crime they committed to begin with?”

Chappell gives an answer that would only a raving psychopath [1] could embrace: “What difference, at this point, does it make?” [2]

Chappell then gives a thoroughly unconvincing demonstration which actually does nothing to support his claims.  Calhoun, suddenly not so brilliant, calls his boss to pitch the idea.

Really not much science-fiction here as lie detectors have been around since 1921.  I guess this one was supposed to be fool-proof, but the flaw in the system is the whole point of the episode.  The absurd premise and the illogical flow of the story just doom this outing.  Too bad — for all its cheesiness, I have have enjoyed the series so far.

Post-Post:

  • [1] I originally wrote sociopath, then consulted this article.  I’m not sure one diagnosis can contain her multitudes.
  • [2] The actual line is “What does it matter, so long as they never commit another?” Pretty close.  Yes, Mrs. Lincoln, John Wilkes Booth is starring in our Grand Re-Opening play, but he’s feeling much better now.

 

 

Night Visions – The Bokor (07/12/01)

nvbokor05The episode starts out on a miscue with a title card for the Southeastern Florida School of Medicine.  There is no Southeastern Florida — there is only South Florida and Southwest Florida.  Doesn’t seem fair to me either, but tell it to East Virginia.

Medical student Diane Barnes (erroneously named Diane Ballard on IMDb) joins two other students, Paul and Cheryl, in the morgue late at night to examine a body.  They uncover the stiff and see that it has a tattoo on its forehead — a leap too far even for Henry Rollins.  She recognizes the man as a Bokor — an evil voodoo priest — and knows that the tattoo was applied after death to keep him dead and block his evil power.

The lovely Samantha Mathis (Diane) has a slight southern accent.  I don’t ever recall hearing that from her.  I have too much of a tin ear to know if it is well done or legitimate; it does make her even more adorable, though.

nvbokor02Diane refuses to slash into the tattoo.  One of the other students is not so smart and slices right through it.  Diane asks for a coffee break.  When they get back to the slab, the Bokor’s body is missing, along with his extracted organs, and Diane.

They follow Diane out of the morgue.  The Bokor follows Paul and Cheryl, even following after they fall into a well.  Turns out it was a ruse, that Diane is in cahoots with Richard who Paul and Cheryl had caught stealing morphine.  They toss the dead Bokor into the hole with Cheryl and Paul.  Diane and Richard pull out shovels and start filling in the hole.  A couple of things wrong with this:  1) That hole is about 10 feet in diameter and 20 feet deep — it would take a week for them to fill it in.  2) The rate at which they could refill that hole by hand is so slow that Paul and Cheryl could easily just step up on the dirt they shovel in and walk right out.

nvbokor07Back at their love-nest, Diane is cleaning up after their murder spree.  She realizes her bracelet is missing and must have fallen into the well.  That night she goes back to the site and re-digs the hole  All the way down.  Alone.  By hand.  Richard wakes up, goes to the hole and clubs her with a shovel.  He admits aloud that he actually pawned the bracelet last week.

Richard rushes back home a packs a bag because nothing screams innocence like fleeing the scene of a crime.  That night at a hotel, he wakes up bound and gagged.  Standing over him is a bloody, muddy, hot Diane.  She breaks out her autopsy toolkit.

So what happened?  Certainly it is intended that Richard killed Diane because the whole point was to eliminate witnesses to his addiction.  When he awakens, she tells him he should have burned her bones and spread the ashes.  Why, is she also a Bokor?  There is nothing to suggest that.  She does go on to say her Nanny told her, “a Bokor’s lover must be as pure as the sky just as a Bokor’s heart must be as black as the earth.”  I guess she is a Bokor which is really out of left field.

nvbokor11So far, both segments of the first episode have taken some solid, if well-worn, tropes and undermined them with a really sloppy narrative.

Post-Post:

  • Meh.  Just that Samantha Mathis should be much more successful.
  • IMDb and YouTube.

Night Visions – The Passenger List (07/12/01)

nvpassenger10Night Visions is hosted by Henry Rollins, who is only marginally less odious than The Cryptkeeper.  At least the Cryptkeeper doesn’t have tattoos, but that might just be due to a general lack of skin rather than good life-choices.  This is good news as I can, in good conscience skip right over his wraparound for every episode.

This series takes over the coveted can’t-help-but-be-better slot formerly occupied by Ray Bradbury Theater.  I award it this opportunity based on literally one image I saw on TV 14 years ago — sadly, not in this episode.

Night Visions ran for only one season, but as it ran on the famously homicidal Fox, that is no indication of its quality (see (or rather, don’t see) season 2 of Firefly, season 3 of Dollhouse, season 4 of Arrested Development, etc.[1]  The fact that IMDb’s data is spotty tells me this show is largely forgotten.  I would have forgotten it except for that one image. That’s not much to hang my hat on, but then I stuck with Ray Bradbury Theater for a year because I had spent $9 on the DVDs.

nvpassenger02Jeremy Bell (Aidan Quinn) is the first person on-site at the crash of an airliner.  He actually saw it go down, which is convenient as he works for the National Transportation Safety Board.

Back at his hotel, he notices that a glass has a crack in it.  There is a knock at the door and a woman says that her family was on the plane. Despited her family having just died, she begins kissing him, but he gets a call to come look at the wreckage.

Bell determines that the plane came apart in the air, not just during the crash.   From the crash-site he calls his daughter.  The call is answered by his daughter’s roommate who is pretty freaked out because clearly his daughter is dead.

Bell is summoned to the mobile morgue at the crash site.  He is worried that his daughter was on the flight.  She would not have been on the manifest because she was flying on his NTSB pass.  This makes no sense for a couple of reasons, but really just makes me realize how different things were when this aired — 1 day short of 2 months before 9/11.  On the other hand, I can imagine 1) the government forcing airlines to give free tickets to NTSB agents, 2) those agents sharing this opportunity with friends and family, 3) that they would also charge drinks and seat-back TV porn to the airlines.

nvpassenger05Back in his hotel room, Bell sees more cracks everywhere — in the ceiling, in the mirror.  The woman returns, and has brought him a cake. She again says that her family was on the plane.  She sees a picture of Bell’s daughter and flirtingly says, “She’s lovely. Well, I’m not surprised.”  Then we get several ill-advised jump-cuts of them kissing.

The coroner cock-blocks him and calls him back to the morgue.  As he arrives to look at the body he fears is his daughter, he gets a call from his daughter.  He is ecstatic until he sees that the body bag contains himself.  The coroner says matter-of-factly, “It’s you alright, we ran the prints.  There’s no doubt about it.”

This snaps Bell back to reality, where he is on the flight.  The woman from his hotel room is sitting next to him.  Wait — didn’t she say she was flying with her family?  Bell tells her he is going to see his daughter; but that he and his daughter had a huge fight because she pierced her tongue.  The coroner had earlier mentioned his daughter in college getting her tongue pierced.  I can figure no reason for this duplication.

nvpassenger07That is really the problem with this episode.  There seem to be no rules to this scenario.  That can work if the randomness is intended to reflect the loose associative nature of dreams, but I’m just seeing no sign of it. When Bell “snaps-back” to reality on the plane, he still doesn’t know his daughter is dead.  Or does he?  Or is she?

The woman who is supposedly flying with her family orders a scotch with Bell.  She notices that the glass is cracked.  It is a nice touch that the glass is the same one he saw in the hotel room.  He further notices the woman reading a book he saw charred at the crash-site, sees a teddy bear that was there, and sees cracks in the fuselage.  No time looping, reliving the experience forever, is ever implied.  And usually that is reserved for a character who has done something awful and has been sentenced to hell or purgatory.

nvpassenger09Credit is due for the mid-air crack-up, though (of the plane, not Bell).  It could be criticized for the special effects, but that isn’t usually a deal-breaker for me.  In this case, they opted for a slow motion breach of the fuselage, rather than the Goldfinger model.  When the woman is sucked out (OK, technically pushed out) of the plane, she is slowly lifted out.  It might not be realistic, but it is very effective.  Sometimes it looks more like zero-G than decompression, but it looks great.  Really, this scene is about all that works in this episode.  It would just be nit-picking to mention that her body, seen earlier at the crash site would actually have fallen to the ground miles away.

In a limited way, the ending is fun.  The crew at the crash site page the NTSB agent, then hear a pager beeping in the wreckage.  “What if that is his?” says one a man jokingly.  “What would the odds be of that?” says a woman.  Cue a jaunty Frank Sinatra tune.

The episode really is a mess plot-wise.  A linear timeline is never established.  OK, he “awakens” at the crash-site — I can see that.  He experiences a series of events, seeing certain clues from the flight — OK.  But then he snaps back to reality on the flight — well, the flight has already crashed.

Seeing Bell back on the plane is as disorienting as seeing Jack back on-board Oceanic 815 at the beginning of season 6 Lost.  Is it the past?  Is it the future?  Does he remember?  Does he not remember?  This episode at least gives Lost a chance to say, “Hey, we provided more answers than those guys!”

Post-Post:

  • [1] I get that the cancellations are a business decision; none of the networks are running a charity that can waste millions on shows no one watches; well, except PBS.  However, often they aren’t even sound business decisions.  Firefly, Arrested Development, Family Guy and Futurama were all brought back in some form.  On the other hand, when they did give a low-rated show a chance, like the early X-Files, it paid off for almost a decade.
  • Why does Aidan sound like a girl’s name?  The first six Aidans (maybe the only six) on IMDb are all men.  Maybe because it is so close to Adrienne, but then Adrien/Adrian is a man’s name.  I think Rocky ruined it for everyone.
  • IMDb and YouTube.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Canary Sedan (06/15/58)

ahpcanarysedan02On board a literal slow boat to China, Laura Bowlby is using a Ouija Board to steal money from unsuspecting rubes, much like the producers of Ouija.  Her husband James St. George Bernard Bowlby has invited her to be with him in Hong Kong where is he working for a bank which I’m sure is entirely reputable.

We see her do a reading with an Asian man for which he lauds her. Her performance is impressive as the Ouija Board produces an answer in Chinese, which she does not speak; and even more impressive, as there are no Chinese characters on the board.  She also established her bona fides earlier by telling the bartender where he was born.

Laura is greeted at the port by her husband who immediately has to take off to oversee an acquisition.  He leaves Laura with is assistant and asks him to order her cards with her name engraved on them.  Apparently, this is a thing in Hong Kong — new people give out cards of introduction.  As the cards read Mrs. J. St. G. B. Bowlby, they really aren’t much of an introduction for Laura.

ahpcanarysedan04He tells Thompson to rent a car and driver from Nixon’s Garage as he is a reliable fellow.  I wonder if this was some sort of sly political reference to buying a used car from then Vice-President Richard Nixon.  He suggests a sight-seeing drive to Repulse Bay which is a real place and must be better than it sounds.

At the garage, Laura is immediately draw to a particular car.  She says she would like it better if it were canary yellow.  The salesman tells her it originally was that color.  So apparently she is a Silver Ghost-Whisperer also.

Laura (Jessica Tandy) gets in the car and begins her 30-year career of being driven around by non-white men.  Along the way, she hears a ghostly voice say, “You’re so silly Jacques.”  It is implied that the voice is coming from a flower in a sconce in the car.

ahpcanarysedan08

AHP (1958), Driving Miss Daisy (1989)

The next day, James St. George Bernard is back in town.  The Bowlby’s are riding in the car and Laura says, “I’m sorry I upset you Jim, about the car.”  James St. George Bernard replies, “Oh, I just felt it was too big for our needs.”  So the script seems to indicate this is different car.  However, it looks the same, the upholstery is the same, and it has the same sconce with a talking flower in it.  A different car is not necessary to the story, so I am baffled by this reference.

She takes the flower from the sconce and hears voices again.  This time, the woman’s voice describes her house and the driver is able to find it for Laura.  An old man answers and says there is no woman there.  After the man closes his door, as in every post on this blog, Laura feels free to open a gate to his China Garden (not the one by the airport) and walk right in.

ahpcanarysedan07It is a lovely garden with a brook, a bridge, some sort of exotic bird.  It’s all fun and games if you describe fun as breaking and games as entering. Laura is all smiles until she sees a carved stone by the water.

Sweetest Love, I do not go, For weariness of thee, They who one another keep alive,

Ne’er parted be.

Which is more fun and games if you define fun as cheating and games as bastard.  The inscription at the bottom is ADA and JstGBB.  She had determined that the disembodied voice was a woman named d’Ardennes (I’m not sure A first name was mentioned), and of course, we now understand the point of the writer giving her husband that ridiculously unique moniker.

Not a lot going on here, but it is a unique episode in that there is a supernatural element which is never exposed as fakery.  There still are questions, though.  Why was the flower the conduit for the voices?  Didn’t Francois (husband of Madam A. d’Ardennes) object to having another man’s love for his wife carved into a rock in his garden?

Nothing great going on here, and I’m disappointed to see AHP stray into the paranormal. Still, Jessica Tandy was quite good and the stock footage of Hong Kong was nicely cut in.

Post-Post:

  • AHP Deathwatch:  Once again, Nixon got the last laugh.
  • OK, the driver is still alive also.