Smuggler’s Island – Atwater Culpepper (1935)

sascoverYou give me four characters in the first three minutes, I’m lost unless their last name is Marx. Let’s get the dramatis personae out of the way: Eileen Curtis, Terry Dale, Dan Mayo [1] & Marcia Mayo.

Our cast is actually cast-aways from a liner that exploded three days earlier.  They awaken on the beach and in only a sentence or two, we get a feel for their personalities.

  • Eileen’s “white dress was hunched up about her hips, and below it extended snagged stockings, water-soaked lace, dangling garters.” So she is the hottie, and if the first seven stories are any guide, she is soon to be topless.
  • Terry Dale’s “face was crusted with salt and blistered with the torturing afternoon sun.  Searing agony seared through his wracked muscles.”  So despite his double girl names, he is the muscular, tough-guy hero and likely beneficiary of Eileen’s toplessness.
  • Dan Mayo is using their few miraculously surviving matches to light a cigarette instead of, say, a signal fire.  “They’re my matches and if there are any good ones left in the lot, I’m going to keep ’em.”  So he’s the jerk — you know, because he smokes.
  • Marcia Mayo seems much more likable than her husband:  “Down on her knees, she blew lustily.”  Actually she is being intelligent and resourceful, trying to start a small fire with the cigarette Terry knocked out of Mayo’s mouth.

On board the ship, Dale had lost a bundle to Mayo playing poker.  Once Dale caught Mayo cheating, there was a scuffle.  Marcia had tried to warn Dale.  Her effort was misinterpreted by Eileen who pulled off the engagement ring Dale had given her.

Marcia’s resourcefulness continues as she catches a crab for dinner.  Mayo does the manly thing — i.e. diminishes his wife’s achievement and takes credit.  Marcia soldiers on and pulls a metal clasp from her garter.  She gives it to Dale to fashion into a fishing hook because Mayo would just turn it into a roach-clip and use up more matches. I give credit to Eileen, though, for gamely chasing down more crabs.

After catching a couple of fish, Dale decides to explore the island.  None of the others leap up to join him, but Marcia does later catch up to him.  She finds that her clothes are being ripped up by the trek through the jungle, so gamely strips down to bra and panties to continue.  I have misjudged Marcia as she is the first to be topless.  She and Dale begin forming an alliance right there on a rock.  Unfortunately, Eileen and Mayo decided to follow them after all.

That night, Dale hears voices but doesn’t see anyone.  The next morning, he finds footprints and a cigar stub.  Down the beach, he sees a disturbance in the sand.  Dale begins digging and finds a bundle containing drugs.  Mayo is ready to destroy them, but Dale wisely points out that the men who left them might be back.

They do indeed come back three days later.  Eileen and Dale are able to circle back and board their boat.  In getting to the boat, Eileen’s sheer, wet bra splits open, airing out the last remaining breasts on the island. so the story is really over anyway. Yada, yada, the Coast Guard shows up, or maybe it is the Navy, and captures the smugglers.

Another quaint little story, but nothing special.  C’mon, I paid $.99 for this collection!

Post-Post:

  • [1] Off topic, but Zack Mayo can go to hell.  When Sgt. Foley breaks him and he screams “I got nowhere else to go”, why isn’t he tossed out immediately?  This is treated as some sort of revelation, a turning point in his character.  In reality, this is like telling your wife you settled for her because you couldn’t do any better.
  • First published in April 1935 — like most of these stories.  Either this was the most lazily curated anthology in history or April 1935 was the 1939 of pulp.
  • Yet another story mentioning step-ins.  They must have been all the rage in the 30’s.
  • Thunder Island

The Moon God Takes – Robert Leslie Bellem (1936)

sascoverThis is the third story I’ve read by Bellem, and I’ve enjoyed all of them.  Even though the three are each very different, this one stands apart. Blood for the Vampire Dead was just as matter-of-fact as the title suggests.  The Shanghai Jester had the same stripped-down prose but with a noirish detective flavor to it.  The Moon God Takes is more romantic and has literary pretensions that the others don’t even hint at.  I was caught off-guard, but it hooked me.  The ending regresses to the mean, but it is still fun.

John Salvar is watching a woman dancing naked in the moonlight before a large grey rock. She reminds him of his late girlfriend Helen.  “Hungry he was for the lovely dancing girl . . . Strange, weird unearthly was the girl’s dance.”  If there is a deleted scene of Yoda at a titty-cantina, this would be his dialogue.

Salvar had lived in the cottage on the cliff for a year and had never noticed the big rock. Who is the woman who seems to him like a Moon-Goddess?  And not just when she has her back to him.

He watches her dancing naked before the stone for an hour before approaching her with some singles. He asks her name and she replies, “My name?  I have no name.  I dance in the moonlight. I belong to the Moon-God.”  Salvar says he is a sculptor.  She says she wishes she were a sculptor so she could carve the large stone to look like the Moon-God.

Salvar offers to sculpt the stone into the Moon-God for her if she will come live with him in his cottage.  Since Salvar has never seen the Moon-God, the girl directs his sculpting. Salvar begins chipping away the stone, but discovers it feels like he is carving flesh.  He is repulsed, but the girl strips naked and threatens to leave, so he continues.

Days later, when he finishes the sculpture, he steps back.  “My God!  It’s foul!  It’s monstrous!  It’s blasphemy!”   It sounds like a modern art masterpiece, but Salvar tries to destroy it.  The girl stops him.  When she tells him that the Moon-God is actually Satan, “maggots of horror ate into his heart.”  She strips naked again and he is suddenly cool with the devil-worshipping.  That’s her answer to everything — her excellent, excellent answer.

At midnight, Salvar awakens to see the girl in the scaly arms of the Moon-God.  She will be his mate unless Salvar confesses that he killed Helen five years earlier.  He agrees, writes a confession and flings himself off the cliff to save the girl.

The twist is that the girl is actually Helen’s sister.  She created this elaborate ruse so that Salvar would confess his crime and finally face punishment for murdering her sister. Her husband Ted was a good sport by pretending to be the Moon-God.  Also by allowing his wife to dance naked in the moonlight for hours, to strip naked repeatedly, and to bang Salvar. [1]

What baffles me is why the stone felt like flesh as he carved it.  Was it just his imagination?  Was he flashing back to carving Helen up like a roast when he disposed of the body?

Another fun story in this collection.

Post-Post:

  • [1] There is a similar scenario in Bellem’s Blood for the Vampire Dead where a man is pretty forgiving of his wife being abducted, stripped naked and used as bait.
  • First published in December 1936.
  • Also that month:  Mary Tyler Moore born.
  • Actually, in some alternate R-rated universe, this would have been a good role for MTM.

Hot Blood – Arthur Wallace (1935)

sascoverI like how we get the authentic flavor of the location by Wallace dropping isolated spanish words into the first few paragraphs — mantillas, senoritas, pica, picador, banderilleros, matador. I could have done without horse being gored by the bull.  But I guess, if you’re going to root for anyone at a bullfight, it’s going to be the bull. The horse is kind of an innocent bystander, though.

A bugle sounded from the president’s box and four banderilleros moved out to place the gaily colored darts between the bull’s shoulder-blades.  It was short and graceful work and when they were done, the beast stood in the center of the ring, four barbed poles, festooned with bright ribbons, dangling from his withers. The crowd applauded as another bugle call rang out.  It was the signal for Diego, the matador, to make his entrance for the kill.

What a bunch of assholes.  If Wallace wants to drop in some Spanish lingo, how about pendejo.

Manuel Rivero is understandably pissed at his fiancee Alicia’s admiration of Diego.

Her hands were cupped about her breasts, fingers digging into resilient flesh with inordinate passion.  As the matador’s sword flashed in the sun, only to be buried hilt deep in the hump of muscle behind the beast’s neck, a long sigh escaped her lips and electric shocks of delirious intensity whipped through her body, shaking her to the very core of all sensation.

After Manuel goes to bed that night, Alicia calls Diego and invites herself to his hotel room. As his current squeeze Josita is “getting fat and disgusting” he agrees.  Diego treats women like he treats bulls — when Alicia arrives, he smacks Josita, calls her a whore and throws her out of his room.

Josita is not thrilled with this treatment.  She recognizes the socialite Alicia, so she runs to inform her fiance Manuel of her booty call.  Manuel and Josita return to Diego’s room where Manuel plans to kill Diego with his bare hands.

Manuel and Diego begin fighting.  Josita is rooting for Manuel because of the way Diego treated her.  Alicia is ready to stick a blade in Diego for the way he treats the bulls. Unfortunately the house staff is on team-Diego and overcomes Manuel.  Josita says the men have taken Alicia to the home of Don Miguel so they hit the road in pursuit.

At casa de Miguel, Diego puts Josita in the bull ring where she is killed.  Manuel is to be killed next, but Alicia jumps into the ring.  She tears off her red dress, exposing her “naked figure” shakes it to distract the bull — the dress, not her figure.  The bull runs by her and spots Diego and his men.  Sensing that Diego ain’t no PETA member, the bull gores Diego and his men.

Manuel grabs Alicia and puts her in a carriage to go back to Madrid, presumably still naked. Well good luck on that relationship.  First Alicia is drooling over the matador, and goes to his hotel room. Then she is so fickle that she sides with Manuel in a fight because the bullfighter is cruel to bulls.

Another Spanish word Wallace might have chosen to drop in: Loco.

Post-Post:

  • First published in Spicy Adventures, April 1935.  This is the third story from that issue.  It must have been realllly good.  Or in the public domain.  Yeah, that second thing, I think.
  • Fifth consecutive story to mention step-ins.

Cave of the Criss-Cross Knives – C.C. Spruce

sascover“T-4, meet R-8.”  As opening sentences go, it’s not The Return of the Native.

Let’s dispense with this silliness right away and move on to other silliness.  T-4, like T-3, is a hot blonde — a Secret Service agent named Lilandry “Lil” Sweeney.  R-8, a male agent improbably named Toridzone “Tod” Kinley, is probably also hot, but really, who cares?

The Chief is sending them to the tiny Pacific island of Perambi.  It has never been charted because it is so “small, jungle-covered, fever-ridden” and fictional.  Naturally, the US government has a fueling station there. Recently a supply ship discovered the two soldiers posted there were murdered and there was no sign of the two dozen natives that lived on the island.  Replacements were left on the island, but they were also killed with the exception of one man who was turned into a raving madman.

Lil and Kinley are given purple dye to stain their bodies and knives “about 14 inches long and all but 2 inches of that was blade.”  The Chief says at least one of them will be dead soon.  Ladies and gentlemen, Knute Rockne!  They review the insane testimony of the survivor.  He  babbles of purple gods of the sunset, cave of the criss-cross knives, a coal altar, and Trump for President.  The name Peretti appears several times — a known mercenary.

Lil and Kinley prepare for the mission by going to Kinley’s place to smear the purple stain all over their bodies.  She strips down to her bra and panties so he can grease her up.  He helpfully suggests that the bra will leave a white stripe so she removes it with her back to him.  “How could she know a man’s man like Kinley had a mirror in the house? How could she know it was directly in front of her?”  I don’t know, by opening her eyes?  It’s directly in front of her!

Frustratingly, he only got to watch as she “spread more dye, kneading it into the yielding resiliency of her snowy breasts.”  He is left to spread the purple dye on himself.  Luckily his balls are halfway there already.

Their orders are to “find Piretti, discover for whom he is working, and destroy him.” They fly to the island, strip naked and skydive to a clearing in fabulous purple parachutes.  The two naked agents land in the middle of several natives and draw their unwieldy knives. Outnumbered, they follow an old man to the titular cave of the criss-cross knives.  At the bottom of the extensive cavern, sitting on an oil can, they find Piretti.

He has Lil and Kinley bound, then selects a lucky participant from the audience.  “The nude howling woman was pushed onto the coal altar.  Arms and hands were fastened until she was spread-eagled across the pile.”  A medicine man comes forward and cuts her in half.

Lil tells a cock-and-bull story (although mostly bull) about how she and Kinley arrived on the island.  Piretti reciprocates by telling her that he was hired to break the United States’ hold on this island.  Like every James Bond villain, he drones on and on.  He researched the island and the natives.  He determined his best course was to dye himself purple, strip naked and be their god.  Lil reminds him that the natives also expected a goddess in addition to the god.  She and Piretti start making out as Kinley is still caged.  And frankly, I don’t understand what happens next.  After the sex stuff, I mean.

Kinley’s cell door is opened. “He and he alone was called upon to judge the fate of Piretti and Lil who were captives now.”  What the hell?  How did Kinley go from prisoner to head purple-guy in charge?  Nelson Mandela had a longer ascent to power.

Naturally, since Piretti had been making out with Lil, Kinley has the natives strip him even more nakeder and toss him off a cliff.  Well, that was their mission, and he did order that woman cut in half . . . but I think banging Lil was what sealed his fate.

These stories really are just snapshots — the good kind with topless babes.  There isn’t a lot of room for nuance or character development.  Maybe that’s why there seems to be a page missing from this story that explains Kinley’s rise to power.  The adherence to formula has worked for me so far — another fun story.

Post-Post:

  • First published in April 1935.
  • Also that month:  Erich von Däniken born, paving the Naza Lines for the Ancient-Alien-Industrial Complex.  For a dose of reality, here is an awesome debunking.
  • Third consecutive story to mention “step-ins.”

Tales of Tomorrow – The Crystal Egg (10/12/51)

ttcrystalegg1Intro:  “What would you do if you thought someone from another world was watching you?”  What do you mean thought?

Frederick Vanneck is chairman of the physics department at Cambridge [1].  We are told that in his own voice coming from a spinning vinyl record; or maybe he is recording the record.  Strangely, it is being played by a man whose head is hidden by a lampshade.  There is just no reason for this as he just told us who he is. He gives us his curriculum vitae, but fears all his experience and fancy Latin will not protect him from ridicule over what he is about to reveal.  If anything happens, he says, “This will be the only record [ha — nice pun!] of the strange events that started that evening in Cave’s shop.”

A man goes to the aforementioned curio shop owned by Mr. Cave to purchase the titular crystal egg in the window.  Cave sees that the man is very anxious to buy the egg, so jacks the price up to 5 pounds.  The man offers 1 pound and not one ounce more.

Not much of a negotiator, the man compromises at 5 pounds, but doesn’t have it on him. Lucky bastard — I’ve got a twenty spare pounds on me.  After he leaves, Cave starts wondering why this unremarkable egg could be so valuable to the man.  Rather than call, say, a geologist, lapidarist [2], or art historian Cave naturally calls a physicist to address the question.

ttcrystalegg3Vanneck agrees to meet Cave much to the chagrin of his 28 years-younger girlfriend.  Cave arrives with the egg and Vanneck quickly dismisses it as an ordinary crystal. After Cave leaves, however, Vanneck takes the egg into his lab where it begins glowing.  Vanneck sees a vision in the crystal and says he is certain that “this landscape is not of this earth.”

Vanneck pulls an all-nighter from 11 pm to 9 am studying the egg.  Cave calls at 9 am to check on the progress.  He asks if he woke the professor, helping to explain why professors have such limited office hours.  Vanneck blows him off and continues his research.  He is able to more clearly see the landscape, and concludes by the rock formations and minerals that he is viewing another planet.  Based on the position of Saturn in the sky, he determines that he is seeing a Martian landscape.  Although Saturn is so large in the sky, it seems more like a view from Titan. [3]

Vanneck’s young girlfriend stops by, but his obsession with the egg leads him to throw her out too.  Gazing back at the Martian landscape, Vanneck is shocked to have his view blocked by a one-eye-monster.  Well, maybe he should not have been so quick to get rid of the girl.

ttcrystalegg5When Cave comes to retrieve the egg, Vanneck shows him the landscape.  He clearly does not want to give up the egg so when Vanneck’s back is turned, Cave grabs the egg and runs off. Vanneck does not pursue the 80 year old running with a heavy crystal egg.

Vanneck is in such hot pursuit of this priceless egg that he does not make it to the curio shop until after 1) Cave has been murdered, 2) it has been in the papers, and 3) the papers have been delivered.  Cave’s wife says he was killed in an alley by thieves.  Vanneck realizes he can tell no one of his findings without the egg as proof.  He nevertheless tells his story, and is ridiculed by his colleagues.

Thinking he will gain credibility, Vanneck goes to see his publisher friend Walker. Walker greets him, “Vanneck, Vanneck, Vanneck!” Vanneck cheerfully replies, “Is there more than one of me?”  Walker says, “Well, look at you — you’re fat enough to be triplets.”  Vanneck tries to convince his “friend” to publish his paper.  He has concluded that the Martian is watching us night and day.

Back to the record.  Vanneck expects to be killed like Cave and implores others to take this as proof and to find the egg.  There are gunshots and a hand breaks the record. The lampshade is a clumsy device but now makes sense if you think about it — but damn them for making me think.

Nothing really to recommend here.  Blah episode based on a blah H.G. Wells story, cardboard sets, incredibly grating performance by Mrs. Cave.  Egg is a pretty fair rating for this one.

Post-Post:

  • [1] What the hell?  I expect an English setting occasionally on AHP, but there is just no reason to have this episode set anywhere but the USA.  This aired just 6 years after the A-bomb was dropped — I think we had enough physicists to handle a crystal egg.
  • [2] C’mon, lapidarist is not in spellcheck?
  • [3] Saturn would be 10 times the size of our moon if viewed from Titan.  In the excellent The Sirens of Titan, there actually is a one-eyed alien living there.
  • Was Mr. Cave’s name a reference to Plato’s Cave?  I’ll save you time — no.
  • Available on YouTube, but why would ya?