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Tales from the Crypt – Horror in the Night (05/24/96)

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Nick and T go to Starr’s jewelry store.  But it’s not a legitimate business — the storefront is a facade.  Heeyyyooooo!

Apparently, mobster Starr has hired these two goons to rob him so he can collect the insurance money.  They watch as the middle-aged Mr. Starr locks the shop and drives off. Nick has the great idea that they should keep the jewels and “do the same thing Starr is doing.”   T reminds him nobody steals from the evil Declan Starr and gets away with it.  Wait, Nick’s plan is to steal from a gangland kingpin and pull the same ruse?

  • So lease a space, requiring a huge deposit?
  • Purchase expensive showcases.
  • Open a store which will have only a few pieces of merchandise?  Or will they purchase $$$ of other inventory to appear legit?
  • Advertise said merchandise, alerting Starr to exactly where he can find the exact pieces stolen from him?
  • Secure insurance despite having no identities, references, bank accounts, or business license?
  • Then hire two other goons to rob them?
  • Wouldn’t it be easier just to fence the jewels?

I guess I just don’t have a criminal mind. [1]  They bust the lock and enter the store.  The camera, like the viewer, is not interested enough to follow them inside.  Things pick up when we hear two gunshots.  Sadly, both men emerge unhurt.  Wait a minute, what were the shots?  This was just a ruse.  Anyway, things do pick up when T accuses Nick of planning to double-cross him, and shoots down him in the street.  T picks up the jewels and heads for the getaway car.  However, Nick is not quite dead and shoots T.  Viewers cheering this happy ending and heading for the fridge should note that we are only 4 minutes into the episode.

I guess Nick was wearing a flak jacket because he tells T the same thing girls always tell me: “Next time, aim lower!”  Nick gets in the getaway car and gets away.  But wait, T must have also had a flak jacket on because he jumps up and fires several shots at the car as it peels out.  Remember, kids — double-tap!  Did we learn nothing from John Wick?

T must have hit something vital; on the car, I mean.  The car breaks down in front of an old hotel.  Nick checks in and notes the clerk looks familiar.  He takes the seedy elevator to the seedy second floor and goes into his seedy room.

He realizes the bullet did do some damage after all and calls Fixer, who I assume is like Mr. Wolf in Pulp Fiction.  Fixer claims to not know him and then the phone number doesn’t work at all.  Nick goes downstairs, but the clerk is not at his post.  Then something totally unexpected happened — I got interested.

Nick meets a woman in the lobby and that begins a series of interesting scenes that are blood-soaked or just plain weird.  Everything seems to come together at that point.  It even retroactively increased my appreciation of the first few minutes.  I enjoyed some of it so much that I won’t spoil it.

Unfortunately, the story doesn’t seem to make sense or even play fair.  The reasonable assumption any horror fan would make is that Nick is dead the whole time.  Some of the dialogue between him and the clerk or the woman also cleverly suggests that.

However, at the end, we can see that Nick is alive until the last seconds of the episode.  OK, maybe this craziness was fever-dreams from his wound.  But the woman really is dead, so where does that leave us?  Not only that, she somehow made a phone call to Mr. Starr in the land of the living.  There also the chap in the lift pictured above — we can guess who he might be, but no clues are given.  I suppose all this could be artfully explained away, but they seem like loose ends.

However this is a story that started out boring me, then soon won me over with good dialogue, fun visuals, and a couple of fine performances.  It’s hard not to be happy with that.  OK, maybe  little — the episode is utterly humorless.  And I understand the irony of that coming from me.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] To be fair, Nick does say he has a Plan B:  “We keep the jewels.  Mr. Starr gets something . . . we get something.”  I assume he means that Mr. Starr gets the insurance proceeds.  So Nick thinks Mr. Starr will be amenable to them stealing the diamonds, and him being out the amount of the deductible and the original loot?  I think even his dopey Plan A is better than that.
  • Upon further reflection, I had never considered that the whole stock of a jewelry store might fit into a briefcase.
  • When we get a look at the loot, it all seems to be not jewelry, but uncut diamonds the size of the ice cubes in my dinner.

Outer Limits – Stranded (07/30/99)

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Well, you can’t please everyone.  The 2 Reviews at IMDb:

  1. Definitely Worth Watching, a Low Rated Gem
  2. The Usual High School Junk

I kinda get both of them except for the first one.  Kevin is constantly shoved into the background by his parents, and into a locker by his classmates.  His father, especially, is clearly more proud of his older brother Josh.  At least his dog likes him; when he needs to shit, anyway.

Huge props for the huge prop.

While out one day, they see a fiery object streak through the atmosphere and land in the woods.  Kevin finds the object, a wrecked spacecraft [1], and climbs inside.  Kevin finds an injured man inside.  He is revealed as a monstrous ogre as when Kevin isn’t looking — he picks his nose; also morphs briefly into a hideous alien and back.

Kevin stuffs some suspiciously puke-green, flesh-colored material into the man’s wound.  The keeper here is the man tilts his head back trying not to howl in pain.  As we see into his gaping maw, it is impressive that the alien has accurately assumed the form of a human right down to the cavities in his teeth.  Or else this actor has never heard of a toothbrush.  Seriously, this guy has lead slugs in just about every tooth.

The next day, after being bullied at school as usual, Kevin goes back to see the man.  After he guides Kevin through an operation to seal his wound, he gives him a patch that gives him super strength.  Although, since it is applied to the back of the hand, I think the monkey should go unspanked tonight.

Of course, the next bully that taunts him gets a concussion.  The episode is a conundrum.  A single guy wrote the teleplay which has some interesting dialogue.  But the story, which is mostly by-the-numbers, is credited to 3 guys.  I don’t see a lot of originality or creativity here.  What was the point of three contributors?  The one guy seemed to be on the J-O-B.

It’s not bad.  It just feels familiar.  Kevin is well-cast, maybe too well-cast as the proto-typical nerd.  It is inevitable that the alien will play on Kevin’s desire of an approving father figure.

Science Fiction Theatre – Living Lights (08/10/56)

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Sadly, tonight’s regularly scheduled episode, Legend of Crater Mountain [1], does not appear to be online.  I assume that is due to a copyright claim that — hey, Truman Bradley brought a hot young chick to the lab!

He describes her as “a specimen of the genus Homo Sapiens.”  For some unknown reason, Truman decides to go through her purse, finding an eyebrow pencil, lipstick, perfume, and “mad money.”  And when I say for some unknown reason, I mean it — I can see no way in which this exercise relates to the story.

He does compare her to a doll he has placed in a bell jar. [3]  He says the girl is fine on earth where the pressure inside and outside her body is equal.  He switches on a pump that sucks the air out of the jar and the doll demonstrates that her body would inflate like a balloon if subjected to low external pressure or 20 years aging.

All this is to point out that earth is the only place in the solar system that life as we know it can exist.  Bob and Laurie Grace Bob and Grace Laurie are researching whether life could exist elsewhere.  Cheers to SFT for progressively casting both Bob and Grace as scientists.  Jeers for still having her at home in an apron and pearls making dinner for Bob after his long day at the lab.  However, Cheers to that apron and pearls combo which look quite nice on her.  But a vacuum cleaner would really have made the ensemble pop.

Because of their lack of money, Grace is arranging their dinner settings — seriously — on an ironing board covered by a tablecloth.  Bob’s associate Charlie drops by.  He has determined that some equipment is missing from the lab and wonders if Bob maybe knows anything about it.  Under this brutal interrogation, Bob folds like an ironing board dining room table.  He takes Charlie into the spare bedroom; at least I hope Bob and Grace aren’t sleeping in there.

The room is full of equipment.  Bob shows Charlie a bell jar where he has used the equipment to simulate the atmosphere on Venus.  Grace tells him the goal is to see if intelligent life could exist on Venus.  Charlie isn’t impressed.  The Dean insists that the equipment be must returned immediately, but if Bob wants to takes over an administration building or egg a professor instead, the Dean is cool with that.

Later, while Bob is tutoring a cute student named Elaine for some extra cash, Grace begins dismantling the lab.  She calls Bob in when she sees a light in the bell jar.  He spends all night taking pictures.  When he awakens in the bright sunshiny lab, he sees the light is now gone.  He then notices it floating in the room.  He closes the shades so the light can’t escape, and also so maybe he can get a nooner from Grace.  He is able to nudge the light back into the bell jar.  Because it moved independently, changed the environment in the jar, fed on some lichens, and hates Donald Trump they determine it is alive.

That morning, Grace goes off to teach a class, and Bob tutors Elaine at home.  Bob gets a call from Professor Adams asking him to come in.  He leaves Elaine there to study.  She says, “At least it is easier to study here than the sorority house.”  What with all the topless pillow-fights, I imagine.  As Bob leaves, he tells her not to go into the other room.  Of course, she is on her feet before the scent of his Pomade has left the room.

The ball of light is out of the jar again.  It shines on her face (I finally understand that particle and a wave thing) and nearly blinds her.  It then makes for the shadeless window in the living room and escapes.  She does not wake up until Bob and Grace return to find her on the floor.

Professor Adams is with them.  He still refuses to believe Bob’s crackpot story about not banging Elaine, and about the light.  Then, suddenly, two lights appear.  They alight on Bob, then go back to the jar.  Adams throw a blanket over the jar and turns the pump to maximum suckage.  The jar implodes, killing the lights.  Good job, Adams — you ruined 2 years of research, turned first contact into a double murder, and probably ensured that earth will be invaded by an army of green, bare-breasted, 7-foot Venusian women.  No, seriously — good job!

Other Stuff:

  • [1] Like Talking Heads, SFT stylistically dropped “The.”  If only The The had taken that approach we could have avoided them entirely.[2]
  • [2] I retract that snarky comment.  After finally giving them a listen after mocking their name for decades, I really like them.
  • [3] Sadly, unable to work in a Sylvia Plath reference.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Money (11/29/60)

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Angie tells Larry to cut it out and jumps up off the sofa.  She adds, “If you want to wrestle, go down to the gym!”  Which is a funny line, although I’ve never seen wrestling at my gym unless it was to get the treadmills that overlook the aerobics floor.   She is ready to settle down, but Larry just doesn’t have enough cash to suit her.

He has a plan, though.  He’s through taking bets for Patsie.  He is going to work for a guy with a man’s name — Stefan Bregornick — who owns an import-export business.  Angie ridicules him because this job will pay only half of what he made busting kneecaps, but Larry assures her there is money to be made there.  She angrily complains that she isn’t going to wait around 25 years for him to get a gold watch.  Larry inexplicably kisses her on the mouth rather than . . . well, I can’t advocate punching a woman in the mouth, but wow.

At the job interview, Bregornick asks if he speaks any other languages.  “No.”  Did he finish high school?  “No.”  Do you know anything about the exporting business?  “No.”  However, he gives the correct answer when Bregornick asks what he does if a guy pushes him around:  “I push back.”  Bregornick calls Larry’s father a fool, and mocks the neighborhood he lives in.  Who knows what misogynistic, awful, accurate name he would have called Angie if she were there.  But Larry gets the job.

The next night at Bregornick’s apartment, Mr. Miklos comes by to do some business.  Bregornick agrees to buy 900 cases of wine for $7,000.

Four months later, Angie is still bitching that Larry is not making the big money.  Larry finally reveals his plan.  He says Bregornick is the biggest importer on the east coast because he deals in cash and is lax on the paperwork.  Larry figures he has $200 grand in that apartment.  He says after the big score, maybe they’ll flee to Rio, but that could be tomorrow or 6 months from now.

Bregornick tells him to come to his apartment for another big deal with Miklos at 10 pm.  Larry senses this is his big opportunity.  He calls Bregornick and imitates Miklos, but pushes his luck by segueing into Jimmy Stewart there at the end.  As Miklos, he tells Bregornick he is too sick to come to him, and suggests that his handsome, well-built assistant Larry bring him the $30k for the deal.  Bregornick agrees.

That night, Larry goes to Bregornick’s apartment to pick up the cash.  Then Bregornick starts talking about his mother.  He tells Larry they had been engaged back in the old country, and that he could have been his father, but I don’t think that’s how that works.  After this non-sequitur, Larry goes to Angie’s.

She is loud and angry about everything as usual. Then Larry shows her the $30,000 which excites her, and she is happy for once.  But she can’t not be a shrew and says, “I didn’t think you could do it!  I didn’t think you had it in you!”  Then she more positively continues, “You beautiful thing!  Momma’s gonna take good care of you!”  But she is talking to the money.

Thinking big, she is excited about all the shoes she can buy.  She says they can buy all new clothes in Rio!  Although they don’t seem like the type who would have passports ready to go.  Maybe back then all you needed was a driver’s license and a carton of Luckys for the pilot.  He tells her he needs to take every bit of the cash out with him that night.  As he leaves, she yells after him, “You are coming back?”  Obviously he has some master plan, but I applaud him not answering, leaving her to worry.

He goes back to Bregornick’s apartment where Miklos has now arrived.  Larry confesses to making the call as Miklos, and stealing the cash.  Then he says he thought of his father.  He could not steal the money because his father would have been ashamed of him.  He hangs his head and walks to the door.  Bregornick is touched by his almost-son’s revelation.  He stops Larry and gives him a big ol’ bear hug.

Larry goes back to Angie’s.  He tells her he gave the money back to Bregornick and she looks disgusted.  “Why!” she screams.  He just laughs and says, “I got something better than his money.  I got his trust.”

I’ve complained recently about AHP’s that don’t have a murder.  This one doesn’t even have a crime.  It has a good first act for a movie, but even that is ruined by the production.  Larry and Angie are just loathsome human beings.  She is loud, greedy, angry and domineering.  He is Robert Loggia.

I never thought about of Loggia as being particularly vile.  He was pretty curmudgeonly but avuncular in Big.  But then I think about him as a psychopath on The Sopranos, and as low-life trash in An Officer and a Gentlemen.  Maybe he just had great range.  Here, he is just as loud, angry and abrasive as Angie.  Come to think of it, Bregornick shouts all of his dialogue too.  Maybe the director was hard of hearing.

So this gives us 3 viscerally unlikeable people.  The only decent person is Larry’s father, and he is dead.  Add to this an overbearing score, and this is a rare off-night for AHP.

Other Stuff:

  • AHP Deathwatch:  No survivors.
  • It took me 6 weeks to get through this episode.
  • If the title sounds like a Seinfeld episode . . .

One Step Beyond – The Dark Room (02/10/59)

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John Newland is growing on me.  He doesn’t have Rod Serling’s gravitas or sinister demeanor, but he does have his own unique personality.  Whereas the writer Serling made sure every word was polished, I assume Newland as director took the same care to make his series visually interesting.  We’ve seen great location shots, and great use of movie footage that really enhanced the ride for the viewer.

Most of tonight’s episode takes place in a French apartment, but Newland at least gives it a little flair at the opening.  He points out the apartment in which the episode will take place.  He then walks down a tall set of steps.  I don’t recall Serling ever moving, and certainly don’t recall Alfred Hitchcock ever doing a tour de stoop.  The camera pans to to show a street which actually looks like it could be in France, even though there is no mime.  Tonight’s protagonist shows up in the smallest car I’ve ever seen.

The landlord shows her new tenant Rita Wallace (Cloris Leachman) around the apartment.  She promises it will be quiet as one neighbor is a 36 year old virgin who works at WJM, and the other has such self-esteem issues that she doesn’t realize she is just as hot as the virgin.  Rita is happy to find a small room that she can use as a darkroom.  She is a photographer in France to work on a book of photos of people with interesting faces.  The landlord agrees to send someone over.

Rita is returning home from the grocery store — with a baguette, BTW.  Hey, you can get baguettes in this country, you know!  Big baguettes, the best baguettes.  Why does every show in France have people buying a baguette?  Anyhoo, as she is putting away the groceries, she notices a shadow on the wall.  She is startled to see it is cast by a stranger in her living room with an interesting face and an even more interesting concept of people’s personal space.

She asks what he wants and he is silent for a few seconds before saying, “I was sent for.”  Rita takes that to mean her landlord sent him over for her to photograph.  She takes several pictures of the man.  The Frenchman seems to have never seen a modern camera, and is equally perplexed by the shower.  When Rita turns her back to get a glass of water, the man is suddenly no longer there.

When the landlord stops by, Rita thanks her for sending the man.  Of course, the landlord did not send him.  They had another photo session planned for that night.  The man again appears suddenly in her living room without knocking.  As Rita is taking pictures, he begins calling her Cecile and accusing her of being unfaithful.  He chases her around the apartment, but she is able to escape into the darkroom.

Her landlord and a cop show up, but the man is gone.  The police say there is not much they can do; it could be anyone.  They say gee, if only there were some way to show us what the man looked like.  Finally, Rita remembers, oh yeah, I have those 200 pictures I took of his face!  She develops the pictures and finds the man is not in any of them!

The detective, brought in because of his photographic memory, somehow recognizes the man despite him appearing in no photographs.  He takes Rita to a nearby cemetery and leads her to a particular tombstone.  The marker has a photo of the man she saw in her apartment — I don’t know, maybe that’s a French thing.  The man died in 1926, executed for killing his wife Cecile in Rita’s apartment.

As feared, there is a certain sameness to the OSB episodes so far.  However, they are so well done that it is still interesting to watch variations on a limited number of themes.  Newland finds interesting ways to present the story, including smoothly incorporating footage from other sources.  Tonight’s episode was not a great story, but those opening shots and an excellent performance by Cloris Leachman brought it to life.  It doesn’t quite achieve the consistent quality of AHP, but it is one of the better series I’ve watched.

Other Stuff:

  • Yeah, a dead guy appearing in Cloris Leachman’s apartment is weird.  But those clingy dresses, those were unbelievable!  Just like TFTC was always better with a beautiful blonde killer, John Newland seems to be the king of slim hot babes in skin-tight clothes.