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Tales from the Crypt – Cold War (05/31/96)

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You might want to consider whether your production needs a little tightening up when the first 2.5 minutes of your episode is three people silently riding in  car. [1]  There is no car chase, it is not going anywhere exotic, and no one is Jack & Rosing in the backseat.  The novelty of the steering wheel being on the wrong side wears off pretty quickly.

This episode is the definition of being less than the sum of its parts.  The scene described above is the first example.  Really, nothing happens, but it does get you interested in Ford, Cammy and Cutter.  They arrive at the bank they were going to rob and find it has become a laundry.  OK, that’s fun.  They then go to Plan B which is to rob a convenience store; although, I would have thought Plan B would be a different bank.

Cammy has a bad feeling, but Ford reminds her that in England only the bad guys have guns.  Wow, can’t see that line getting aired in the USA today or in USA Today.  There is also a bizarre bit where Ford doesn’t know the word wanker.  But that makes sense later.  Maybe.

They walk in to rob the store and find that there is a gang already robbing it.  For no reason at all it is an Asian gang, and for no reason, they are wearing motorcycle helmets.  Well, I guess the reason is that they rode motorcycles.  But it still adds a little pizzazz.

So we started out with a jaunty opening, then had a little comedy, then this scene turned out to be a pretty serious gunfight.  All good stuff, but what does the episode want to be when it grows up?  They go back to their apartment where Cammy digs a slug out of Ford’s leg.  Could be worse — Cutter was killed.

Next thing we see is Cammy picking up a dude in a bar.  Hunh?  That’s out of nowhere.   Ford catches them together the next morning, and shoots the guy.  But the guy is not what he appeared to be.  And Ford and Cammy are also not what they appeared to be.  But they are not the same as the guy, if that’s vague enough for you.  This introduces yet another genre to the episode; maybe two.

All three of them end up crashing through the window.  The guy is not seen again, for good reason.  Ford and Cammy are seen having a drink.  Some of their past dialogue suddenly makes sense, maybe even him not knowing what a wanker is.

During the viewing, they seemed to be making this up as they went along.  However, afterword, remembering the episode, and assisted by the warm glow of a new scotch (Shackleton’s) [2] the pieces began to coalesce into a good episode.  But not good enough to make me sit through the Cryptkeeper’s closing remarks.

Trigger warning:  There is some seemingly racist language that, if you are patient, is not racist.  On the other hand, calling the black guy “Count Chocula” gets no such redemption.  Just to balance things out, there are also female and Asian slurs.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] To be fair, a couple of lines are exchanged at the 1:30 mark.  To be fairer, it was not boring.  The car was sweet, and there was a fantastic jazzy score (described as “really annoying” in the sole IMDb review).
  • [2] What better way to capitalize on the adventurous spirit and soul-crushing adversity of the Shackleton crew who were 100X the man you are — booze!  God bless America; even if it is British.
  • Title Analysis:  I can kind of make it work as the characters represent two factions.  But they are not normally thought of as enemies, so it’s really a stretch.
  • Stars a young Ewen McGregor and young Colin Salmon (you know him even if you think you don’t know him).  Not for nothing, McGregor also starred in Salmon Fishing in the Yemen.
  • No, I think that was for nothing.

Outer Limits – Fathers & Sons (08/06/99)

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Tara is visiting her grandmother in Silver Sunset nursing home.  Sadly, this week Grandma no longer remembers her.  Dr. Adler tells her that Alzheimer’s is cruel that way.  After Tara leaves, Grandma goes down a long tunnel towards a bright light.  She’s not dying; orderlies are just pushing her on a gurney down a long hall to a well-lit lab.  She is put into one of hundreds of coffin-like berths, and gas knocks her out.  In the mean time, Grandma’s room is quickly stripped and a different patient’s pictures are hung on the wall.

At the very beginning, I expected the worst because I don’t think I’ll remember Tara in a week either; she’s just not very good. [1]  However, she is not a major character.  The combination of a great location that extended into a huge matte shot was awesome.  The efficient modular switching out of the geezers was intriguing.  It would have been a good scene in an X-Files episode; it would have been the best scene in an X-Files movie.  I haven’t been roped into an OL episode this quickly in quite a while.

The Dell family is gathered ’round for Grampa Joe’s — uh-oh, I see where this is going — birthday.  He is a pretty spry old cat who is jamming on some blues guitar with his grandson Ronnie.  Ronnie’s father Hank is not pleased that he is more interested in following in Joe’s footsteps than doing well in school.

He might be right.  Ronnie spends the next day busking, then playing outside for a crowd.  He inexplicably returns home during school hours and finds Hank helping Joe pack up his possessions.  He is moving to Silver Sunset.  They get Joe moved into the home.  All seems well, but Dr. Adler ominously tells Ronnie that he must call before he visits.

The next week when Ronnie visits Joe, he isn’t quite right.   He is flashing back to dreams he’s having, and can’t remember a song he sang at his birthday party.  Ronnie meets Tara there and she is seeing the same behavior from her grandma.

The next day, as Ronnie is playing on the street again, he sees a dude singing the song his grandfather wrote for his birthday party.  Kudos to OL for having this be a dweeby white guy in a suit and tie.  As he gyrates around and scowls trying to be an authentic blues singer, it is immediately clear what is going on at Silver Sunset.

Ronnie also sees a change in his father.  He has quit his job and says he wants to go into business for himself.  To this end, he has bought a computer which prompts a couple of bizarre responses.  Ronnie and his mother both question whether Hank can use it.  This seems like a sober, responsible guy who has provided a fine home for his family.  Why do they suddenly think he’s an idiot?  Then his wife reacts like it was a crazy purchase, like she has no idea what one costs, or if it will put someone’s eye out.  This is made even stranger by the fact that we saw a computer in Ronnie’s bedroom earlier.  This isn’t Gilligan buying a UNIVAC.

On the other hand, he did quit his job to “go into business.”  That’s not much of a business plan.  It’s like majoring in college.

But that is just a little hiccup.  The episode lived up to its early promise with some good ideas and great performances.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] Sadly, the actress died at age 32.  I am clearly wrong about her as she packed a huge career into that brief life.
  • Dang, I watched some Outer Limitseses early because Hulu said they were expiring.  Yet they are still here. Damn you, Hulu!

Science Fiction Theatre – Jupitron (08/17/56)

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SFT continues championing our unsung institutes of higher education.  Today we are in “Science Hall” at “State University” home of the fighting Home.  We’re not here long though, so I don’t even know why I bought up.  Or why SFT did.  Flashback . . .

John and Nina Barlow are walking along the beach.  They find a nice spot and spread a blanket.  John, who is a doctor and probably never lets you forget it, begins mansplaining that the Moon does not shine, it merely reflects light from the sun.  Nina begins kissing him just to stop his lips from moving.

A minute later a fog begins rolling in which is just like The Fog — not scary.  John and Nina find themselves forced onto their backs, and they can’t move.  They awaken in a lab in a couple of La-Z-Boys.  They still can’t get up, but only because they are so darn comfortable.  Finally John crawls out of his chair, puzzled by how they got here, and if there might be snacks.

They discover they are locked in a windowless lab,  There are strange sounds and smells.  John really loses his shit when he repeatedly tries to break an Erlenmeyer Flask and it just won’t shatter.  When John starts fiddling with some equipment, a voice tells him to knock it off.  It asks if he is Dr. John Barlow, and if he is an instructor at the university where Dr. August Wykoff disappeared 10 years ago.  The voice tells him Wykoff is not dead. It is he who asked that John be brought here.

Wykoff courteously waits for the commercial to end before entering the room.  The Barlows quite reasonably ask where they are, why they were brought here, and if the La-Z-Boys are for sale or just display.  Wykoff turns on a screen which shows a photo in space.  He says, I doubt you’ll be able to see the university, but it is in this general direction.”  Since the photo shows both the earth and moon, John, the doctor, deduces that it was taken from space.  The next shot shows 5 moons, so John deduces they are on a moon of Jupiter.[1]

Wykoff criticizes their human-privilege in thinking they are the only intelligent species in the universe.  John asks what the inhabitants of this moon are like.  Wykoff says, “The beings of this moon are not animals, parasites, or plants like the people of the earth.”  While I agree humans can be all of those things, I’m shocked at the boldness of SFT in saying so.  The alternative is that this line was written by a moron, and I just can’t accept that. [2]

The inhabitants of this moon brought Wykoff here because because their natural resources of methane were dwindling.  They thought a great human scientist could devise a means to harvest more methane from underground or at least do PSAs on J-TV to convince their population to eat more beans.

In exchange for Wykoff’s help, now 10 years later, the moonies (would it have killed them to name the moon?) have a gift for humanity.  They are giving us the titular Jupitron.  John believes the biggest problem facing humanity is food supply.  Jupitron accelerates the maturation process from 30 days to 30 seconds, a 60,000X improvement.[3]  This could solve the world’s problems when used in produce, cattle, fish, millennials, and antifa members.

Oddy, he does a demonstration using a sweet potato.  Is anyone really in a hurry for sweet potatoes?  Ya kinda have 12 months warning when you’re going to need the next one.  But your family’s mileage may vary, I guess.

John wants to ask more questions about Jupitron, but makes the mistake of sitting back in the La-Z-Boy.  Before he can finish his sentence, the darn thing puts him to sleep.  He wakes up on the beach with Carol.  They both think it is a dream, but one of those dreams that 2 people can both have, I guess.

So, all of this was a flashback and now we see that John has used Jupitron to save the world!  Yea!  No, not really.  We just see the college dean suggesting that maybe electrons floating between their heads as they slept account for the shared dream.  No wonder they don’t want to name this college.  John discovers he has argon in his blood, so deduces it was not just a dream.  So he gets to work on Jupitron.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] Jupiter has 79 moons, but only 12 had been discovered as of this airing.  I’m not saying this is an error, I just thought it was interesting.
  • [2] The writer was actually very successful, so this is really baffling.
  • [3] I can’t make out exactly what he says, but he does say 60,000.  However, this increase would be 2 x 60 x 24 x 30 = 86,400 times.
  • Filmed in 10 hours according to the book.  What did they do the other 9.5 hours?

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Sybilla (12/06/60)

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This episode was adapted by a woman from a story by a woman, directed by a woman, and was maybe enjoyed by a woman somewhere.  I can’t say it was bad or that I didn’t like it, but for my manly-man tastes is seemed very mannered, and very soft, with no sharp edges.

Long time bachelor Horace Meade returns to his mansion with his new bride Sybilla.  He asks his butler to “take Mrs. Meade’s things up to her room.”  Hunh?  Horace gives her a tour of the mansion.  He points out the many antiques, and Sybilla asks if his mother picked them out.  He says, “Certainly not.  My mother had atrocious taste.”

Next up is the lovely dining room which Horace decorated.  Sybilla says “it is perfect.  Just like I imagined it.”  Horace says there is something she must tell her, but rather than being as articulate as usual, he fumbles his words.  She bails him out by saying she understands that he has been self-sufficient for a long time, so she will abide by his rules.  Yeah, I’m not sure that’s what he was struggling to say.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

He tells her his breakfast routine which is the exactly same every morning.  She says, “You must always tell me exactly what you prefer, my darling.  I don’t want to make any mistakes.  Never.”  Now that appeals to my manly-man taste.

His whole day is similarly regimented.  Lunch at exactly 1 pm, and dinner at exactly 8 pm.  Then the tour continues in his office.  Sybilla surprises him with a new oak desk that she had delivered as a wedding gift.  Horace does a fine job of appearing to like the desk, but also conveying that he is horrified by the gift, as pedestrian a waste of wood as his wife is.

Sybilla says, “I know how much you value your privacy.  I will never come in here to interfere or bother.  I promise you.”  She declines his offer of wine saying, “It’s late.  I think I’ll go up to my bedroom now.”  Horace must tell her it is at the end of the hall on the right, because his tour oddly seemed to be putting that particular room off as long as possible.  He says, “I happen to believe in separate rooms.  I hope you understand.”  Sybilla says, “Of course I do.  You must always tell me how you prefer everything.  I only want to please you.”  Wait, are they sure this was written by a women, because it is sure starting to sound like a man’s fantasy.

Horace grows to be amazed at how “gentle and agreeable” Sybilla always is.  Somehow this is suffocating to him.  He offers to set her up with an apartment in the city, and give her a generous allowance.  She says she is perfectly content living in the country with Horace.  “You are my life now.”  Somehow, this distresses him.

Finally, Horace can take this torture no more.  He decides he must murder Sybilla, and high time, too.  This does not go as planned and sets up a tension that exists for years until she dies of natural causes.  After she has died, Horace can finally admit to himself that he loved her.

So, there are some good twists here, but we do end up with a sappy conclusion.  As I said, the whole episode just feels “soft”.  Maybe the setting — I’m guessing the 1910s — account for the gentleness and perfect, clipped elocution by Horace.  Barbara Bel Geddes does an excellent job selling Sybilla’s obsequious, fawning dialogue without coming across as weak or submissive.  I question whether she should maybe have shown a slight edge so we more seriously questioned her motives.  But what do I know?  Nobody is hiring me to write or direct a TV show, and I’m a dude!

Other Stuff:

  • Hitchcock’s intros are always worth watching (unlike a certain keeper of crypts I could mention).  This one is a standout as we get a murder before the credits.

One Step Beyond – Twelve Hours to Live (02/17/59)

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It takes so little to entertain me.  John Newland opened the episode this week standing in the rain with an umbrella.  Never saw Rod Serling do that.  And it was real rain, or at least real fake rain.  Not the usual screen of drizzle between the camera and the actor where he miraculously doesn’t get a drop on him.  Like the glimpse of the French Street in the previous episode, the little things in this series really ground it for me.

It’s a good thing this started out on a pleasant note.  We are immediately introduced to Will and Carol Jansen who are just as repulsive as Larry and Angie from last week’s AHP.  Will accuses his wife of purposely wearing a low-cut dress and flirting with the other men at the party.  Carol accuses him of . . . well, I’m not sure what he did wrong, but I’m sure it was bad because she is pissed.  Oddly, the final straw is when he insults the awful hat she wearing.  Seriously, that brings her to tears.

The bickering continues when they get home.  Carol starts in on him about not being a good lawyer and not making enough money.  He then berates her for . . . well actually he doesn’t do anything.  He calmly pays the babysitter.  Eventually Carol literally smacks him because he monstrously . . . well, was just there mostly.  I don’t think her character is intended to be a shrew; I think we are supposed to see them as equally at fault.  But as a man it is hard for me not to get a feeling of irrationality, a feeling of emotion, a feeling of deja vu.  Will has had enough and walks out of the house.

He drives aimlessly through a laughably spotty rain storm, and finally stops at the edge of a cliff.  He angily talks to himself, mocking his wife’s words, such as when she accused him of being a lousy lawyer.  Seeing her dopey hat on the seat just makes him angrier.  He rolls down the car window using some sort of hand-powered crank mechanism — WTF? — and tosses it out into the rain.  I hope some innocent child doesn’t find that and put it on.

We get a nice shot of the cliff he is on beginning to crumble.  Of course, it is a model, but it is quick and effective — this John Newland has a future in the business.[1]  Will begins to chide himself for getting mad at Carol.  He is all ready to drive back and slip into the bed beside her.  I literally mean the bed by her side — in 1950’s TV fashion, they have separate twin beds.  The cliff begins to completely give way and Will’s car topples off the edge.  As the car falls, Will screams Carol’s name but his last thoughts were probably “I should have nailed the babysitterrrrrr”.[2]

He is thrown from the car and pinned beneath it.  As he screams for help, back at the house, Carol can sense he is in danger.  Not only is his leg pinned under the car, but it is pouring rain, and he could drown in a puddle.  Even Ted Kennedy couldn’t have run away from this waterlogged wreck.

Carol sensed his life was in danger, but that didn’t stop her from turning out the light and going to sleep.  At the same time, he was passing out from the pain as the rain continued soaking him.  The next morning, Carol sees that Will didn’t come home, and is visibly angry about it.  He regains consciousness and calls Carol’s name.  Again, she thinks she hears his voice at the house and actually starts to get concerned.   BTW, it is still pouring rain.

Carol continues hearing his voice, and begins receiving sensations from him such as bumping his noggin, or hearing a plane overhead.  Carol begins to think the worst — that she might have to find another man who would put up with her shit.  She lays on Will’s bed in despair and hears him calling again.  She is now very concerned for his safety.

Carol goes to the police to report Will missing.  Of course, under TV-Law the police won’t do anything for 24 hours.  She senses a sign that Will sees that says “Landmark”.  The detective drives her to Landmark Cafe.  Turns out it has been closed for a while.  On the way back to the station, Carol again receives a broadcast from Will.  She jumps out of the car and runs to the side of the cliff.  She finds her hat, and decides she might as well also look for Will while she’s there.

They spot Will and his car at the bottom of the cliff.  Carol and the detective do some cool minor stunt work sliding down to the bottom.  Carol takes him in her arms, and the detective calls for back-up.

There was a lot to really like here, but some weaknesses that make it one of the worst episodes so far.  On, the plus side, there were some great locations and models, there were some clever callbacks in the writing, and I still dig that rain.

The general criticism is that some OSB episodes are just a straight line from beginning to end.  No matter how well done some elements might be, you see the ending coming from far far away.  That’s not necessarily bad, but it is hard to achieve greatness when stories are so predictable.  This episode in particular did not work for me because both Will and Carol were poorly cast.[3]  Watch almost any episode from this era (Science Fiction Theatre or Alfred Hitchcock, for example) and you will see an actor you think would have been a better Will.  To be fair, Carol wasn’t as bad as I made her out, and Will was not faultless.  However, the scales were not balanced and the lack of chemistry between them forced me on to Team Will out of solidarity.  I did not even mention their daughter who horribly shouted her lines.

One minor issue:  Carol describes the strange events to someone on the phone, “You know how I always felt I knew Will was thinking?”  This is so wrong for the story and the theme of the show.  Her telepathic connection from Will should have been a one-time thing brought on by the danger to his life.

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  Indeed, he seemed to work on every iconic drama of the 1960s.  But why do I see so many directors with, for example, one Man from Uncle, one Star Trek, one Naked City, etc?  If he did a good job, why would he not be back?  If he was a hack, surely word would spread and he would not get so much work.
  • [2]  No, this was no underage girl.  In fact she was born only 31 years after the Civil War.  Ya know, forget I said anything.
  • [3]  Both had huge careers, so it must have been the casting.
  • Title Analysis:  Why 12 hours?