Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Changing Heart (01/03/61)

Dane Ross enters Klemm’s watch shop and is taken aback by the overwhelming sound of ticks and tocks and clicks and clacks of a hundred clocks stacked chockablock like knick-knacks and bric-a-brac on the shelves. He should be wary of this place as it would be impossible to work here without going insane.

Ulrich Klemm comes out and greets Ross. He hands Klemm a watch that can’t count steps, can’t check heart-rates, can’t display texts, and can’t give GPS directions.  The bloody thing just tells time.  Klemm is none-the-less impressed at the time-piece.  He has not seen one since he left the old country, but thinks he can fix it.

Ross admires the clocks in the shop.  Klemm says he brought them from the old country.  Sadly, he was not able to bring his famous automatons — clockwork figures.  On the hour, the figures — birds, angels, policemen, construction workers, Indian chiefs, bikers — would appear and give little performances.

With admirable precision, all the clocks in the shop strike 6:00 in unison.  Klemm’s beautiful grand-daughter Lisa comes through the door, which is pretty clever when you think back on it.  She asks Ross to stay for dinner.  He accepts under the pretense that he wants to see more of Klemm’s work (i.e. any other hot grand-daughters).

In the rear, Klemm displays figures which play the piano, shine shoes, and some mechanical birds in a cage.  Lisa says these are just simple versions of the work he did for kings in the old country and queens in the village.[1]  Ooops, she cuts her finger preparing dinner and Klemm bandages it.

After dinner, Lisa walks Ross to the door, and he asks her out.  She says she can’t because her grand-father is so protective.  However, the next time we see them, they are at a German restaurant where, it is safe to say, they are not there for the food.  Ross has been promoted and asks Lisa to move with him to Seattle, which was part of the USA at the time. But she won’t leave her grandfather.

They go back to the shop.  Ross tells Klemm that he is taking Lisa to Seattle whether he likes it or not.  Klemm seems to hypnotize Lisa so that she agrees that she cannot go and will never leave Klemm.  Staring blankly at him she says, “I will never leave you.”  Klemm tells her to go to her room.  She complies without any acknowledgment of Ross as she exits. 

Ross accuses Klemm of turning his grand-daughter into an automaton.  Klemm says he is protecting the one thing he loves.  “The one thing I rescued from my old life and brought to this new world. She’s my masterpiece and no one will take her from me!”  Klemm pulls out a knife.  Fearful that he is going to be served more German cuisine, Ross leaves.

Three months later, Ross is living in Seattle.  He sends his friend Jack to the clock store.  Klemm says the watch will be ready Tuesday. 

No wait, Jack wants to know why Ross’s letters to Lisa have not been answered.  Klemm says Lisa is sick and Ross made her that way.  He scoffs at the Amerikanische Doktors and the heartpills they give her.  He insists, “I will not let her die!”

Alarmed by Jack’s report and the newly proposed $.05 postage rate, Ross returns to Klemm’s shop, to find it boarded up.   He busts in and finds Klemm slumped dead at his desk just like I expect to go.  He has left a note that says he was willing to give his life for Lisa to live.  Ross goes into the back room and finds Lisa sitting in a wheelchair.  Ross is thrilled to see her there, eyes wide open.  But she is lifeless as a mannequin.    He hears a ticking and puts his ear to her chest.  There he clearly hears the clockwork ticking in her chest.

First off, let me be clear that this was a great episode and the final shot was awesome.   That said, I do feel like the writer [2] came close to cheating with some of the dialogue and stage direction in the first half as to whether Lisa was an automaton from the start.  But the proof that Lisa was not an automaton is pretty clear.  If Klemm could make a device that looked like the 22 year old Lisa, would he have made her his grand-daughter?

Also, I’m not clear how Klemm saved Lisa.  Yes, she has a ticking heart, but she is glass-eyed, silent, and perfectly still.  This is life?  At the top of the hour does she do a table dance?

Other Stuff:

  • [1] The dictionary labels this merely informal, so I’m keeping it in
  • [2] Robert Bloch, so who am I question him?
  • AHP Deathwatch:  Anne and Ross are still with us.  Jack passed away in January.
  • Oddly, Bloch’s previous script for AHP also involved a clock.
  • Nice bit of trivia from bare*bones:  Anne Helm went on to be in an Elvis movie, and moved in with him after filming ended.  It’s good to be the king.


One Step Beyond – The Dead Part of the House (03/17/59)

Trigger Warning:  There be Asian stereotypes here. [1]

Minna Boswell, described as attractive and a bit earthbound, calls out to her Chinese servant Song to see if he remembered the milk.  From off-screen, he replies, “Yes, Miss.  Plenty milk for young person in refligerator.”  I’ll be the first to agree that English uses entirely too many prepositions, but he really punches that middle L while being cool with the other three Rs.

Song is set up as a Magical Asian, and described as not so earthbound because he was born in Peking “where people have been around long enough not to disbelieve merely because they don’t understand.”  However, this story takes place in America just outside stodgy old 1959 San Francisco which, in the next 10 years, will surely never fall for far-out concepts like spirits, karma, auras, and free speech.

Minna has purchased the house for her brother Paul and his daughter Ann to live in after the death of his wife.  Alfred Hitchcock Presents has more brothers and sisters shacking up than Pornhub.  Paul and Ann arrive by cab.  Minna introduces Song by saying he was with the previous owners.  So he came with the house?

While Paul and Minna discuss the size of the house and what a good deal she got on it, Ann is distracted.  She slowly walks to the stairs accompanied by some genuinely creepy music.  Song sees her on the stairs, and she asks him who is up there.  He says, “No one.  Empty looms.”  She says they are not empty.  Minna calls Ann back into the living room and we learn what a hot-head jerk Paul is when she is too slow answering.

Minna presents Ann with three dolls.  Then she and Paul hit the scotch.  Ann pours herself some lemonade but accidentally knocks over a picture of her dead mother.  Paul goes nutz and accuses her of doing it on purpose.  What?  There has been zero indication that Ann didn’t love her mother. He shakes Ann very roughly and says, “She hates her!  She hates her!”  Minna pulls Ann away.  Paul says to his dead wife’s picture, “Why did it have to be you?”  Considering the asshole she was stuck with, she could say, “Just lucky, I guess.”

Later, Minna tells Ann she needs to be patient with her father who, after all, just lost his wife.  Of course she is an 11 year old who lost her mother and a delicious glass of lemonade, so she is the rock in that family.  Ann says she knows her father wishes she had died in the accident instead of her mother.

Ann asks for a tour of the upstairs which is not being used.  Song is giving her and Minna a tour when she hears her name called from one of the bedrooms.  Song says it was a nursery.  Ann insists that it be her bedroom.

A few oddball things happen, which Ann attributes to Jennifer, Rose and Mary.  The episode makes a huge blunder by having Ann point to the dolls as being Jennifer, Rose and Mary.  It would have been much more effective, just having the audience assume that, because the force behind the weird events is actually three ghosts living in the room. They are nice ghosts, though, encouraging Ann to be nice to her father so he will stop being such a dick.

Ann actually is very lucky because the ghosts in the house next door are Lewis, Jeffrey, and Ghislaine.  Although Ghislaine’s ghost won’t show up until her suicide next week. [2]

Of course, the magical Song cracks the case.  He tells Paul that Ann just pretended Jennifer, Rose and Mary were the dolls to wrap her head around the fact she was living with dead people.  “Nursery occupied by something other than dolls,” he explains.  In the 1920’s, three girls died from a gas leak in that room.  They too had a nasty father, so they are guiding Ann to soften Paul up.

Well, it’s a happy ending as Paul, Ann and Minna move back to Denver.  I guess they will just foist the house on some sucker who doesn’t realize it comes with three mystical entities, not understood by Americans, and bound to the house forever.  Four if you count Song.

Sure, the episode could be nitpicked to death, but who has the energy?  OK, Paul’s anger at his daughter was inexplicable and pre-dated his wife’s death.  Is he really capable of redemption?  What was the point of Minna being divorced?  Couldn’t she have just been single?  Which was the bigger shame for a 31 year old woman in 1959?

On the other hand, the series continues to surprise with its direction.  There are a couple of truly chilling scenes here.  The score is appropriately eerie.  And, thank God, John Newland is finally learning to direct children.  Unlike the screeching kids in Premonition and Epilogue, Ann’s performance is entirely tolerable.  Quite good, actually.  The one time she does threaten to become obnoxious, he has her run out of the room.  Well-played!

A good week for One Step Beyond.

Misc:

  • [1] Well, actually only one — this ain’t no Charlie Chan movie.  Although a Charlie Chan movie might actually have none.
  • [2] I guess it is a good sign that I had to reach back almost 200 years for the 3rd name.
  • Song also displays his otherness by claiming to listen to plants.
  • Maybe his accent was entirely appropriate.  I must admit I don’t talk to many 1959 Chinese people.  Just seemed a little exaggerated.

Tales from the Crypt – Smoke Wrings (06/21/96)

This episode is cited a few places as being the worst of the series.  I have to put up a weak defense.  Not because it is good, but because there has been so much other crap.

The first scene is yet another example of how the producers did not understand their own program; especially after the bastards shipped it across the pond.  It has all the ingredients to grab the audience and make a great first impression.  We are in an advertising agency.  What better place for some dazzling creativity (well, around Super Bowl time, anyway)?  Various admen, adwomen, adLGBTQ, adnauseum are making their pitches for the latest new & improved toothpaste.  To be fair, the editor got it, as it was finely chopped between each brief presentation.  Sadly, the performers are so lifeless, and the music so insipid that the setting and editing are squandered.  It just sits there like the Queen.

The episode is redeemed, momentarily, by the appearance of Daniel Craig.  Wait, what?  Yes, young Daniel Craig, playing Barry 007 years [1] before his first appearance as James Bond in the great Casino Royale and subsequent erratically-timed disappointments.  He proudly proclaims to Jacqueline that he has no portfolio or pitch to make.  He says that he has the same swagger as she does and should be hired on that basis.  Apparently that plus tight jeans, a leather jacket, and dreamy blue eyes is enough.

WTF? Is that a Cable Ace Award?

In his first meeting with a client, he attacks his agency’s own presentation as boring.  Jacqueline agrees and tells him to be ready with his own ideas in the morning.  We learn he is in cahoots with Jacqueline’s former boss, Alistair Touchstone, [2] who she forced out of the company.  The old man gives Barry a device which causes minds to be very receptive.

At the meeting, Barry clicks on the device and shows Jacqueline a boring picture with the Chalmer’s Chocolate logo on it.  She immediately chows down on some chocolates he thoughtfully brought in.  He shows the same picture with Amazon Cola’s logo, and she grabs a can.  The same picture advertising Alanis Lipstick causes her to grab a luscious pink-hued tube, and an ad for Moonlight Condoms does about the same.  Barry foolishly shows them the device that is making them so receptive. [3]

Barry is assigned the prestigious Chalmer’s Chocolate account.  The current Ad Exec asks what happens when Barry’s gadget breaks down.  The ex-Exec gets sacked, and not in the good way.  On the other hand, he can probably walk out with a gross of those prop condoms as severance cuz womens love unemployed guys.

Barry goes to see Jacqueline and says he has a message from her old partner, “Drop dead.”  What follows is utterly incomprehensible.  Barry, covered with blood, tells Alistair he killed Jacqueline and framed Alistair for it.  The sacked Adman suddenly reappears and says, no it is Barry whom the police will arrest!  The cops do show up and chase Barry through the building.  Inexplicably, he leaps out a window to his death with no parkour, jet-pack, or parachute-wearing metal-toothed ectomorph to save him.

On the sidewalk where he just plopped, [4] Jacqueline, Alistair, sacked Adman, and a client are huddled, clearly in cahoots.  Turns out there were no cops; that was just a suggestion implanted by the group using the device.  Jacqueline says, “You’re right, the silent version is much more powerful” even though v1.0 also made no sound. [5]

Wait, Alistair had demonstrated the device by making Barry imagine rats — his biggest fear — climbing all over his body.  Wouldn’t the device now have also made the whole group paranoid about cops?  After all, they were conspiring to commit a murder.

The client cheerfully agrees that the advertising firm can keep her account, which is a little strange.  She just sells chocolate, you wouldn’t expect her to be so callous to the suffering and death of a member of her team.  It’s not like she’s selling iPhones.

There really was no point to this ruse other than it was necessary for the episode.  Kinda like there was no reason for this episode other than it was necessary to squeeze a 7th season out of this lumbering mess of a series.  Finally, Jacqueline suggests they celebrate with a drink.  The client says, “Suddenly, I’m dying for one” and they all howl in laughter.  Yes, a guy is dead, but this is a real non sequitur.

There were good performances from Ute Lemper (Jacqueline) and Daniel Craig.  However the lazy writing and somber tone make this another failed effort on the order of Quantum of Solace.

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  Oh, alright, 010 years before.  But it was one of those “facts” too good to check. You know, like you see on MSNBC.  Or NBC.  Or ABC.  Or CBS.  Or PBS.  Or CNN.  Or Fox.
  • [2]  An unrecognizable Belloq from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
  • [3]  The device brings up the Bewitched paradox.  OK, it casts a spell on the client in the office to think the ad campaign is genius.  Maybe they even put the ultrasound in commercials.  But it won’t be playing in the store, and the effects seem to wear off immediately.  They don’t even have Elizabeth Montgomery as a distraction.
  • [4]  Easily the best feature of the episode is the sound and visual of Barry hitting the pavement.  Kudos!
  • [5]  Unlike Microsoft, Adobe and WordPress, apparently this device’s upgrades actually make the product better.
  • Title Analysis:  What smoke?  What wrings?  What crypt?  They’re not even trying.
  • Ute Lemper?

Science Fiction Theatre – One Thousand Eyes (09/07/56)

I’m calling an audible; but one of those written-down audibles.  The boring review can wait, we’re skipping ahead to dessert.

I was going to finish up by including some corny 60 year old song with almost the same title as the episode, but it tricked me by being groovy as hell (except the Speedo guy).  Note the first girl crushed under the boulder, the naked lesbians making out under the umbrella,[2] the brunette shaking her yayas [1] on the rock, the sea-weed boa that chick is sporting, and — holy cow! — the workout the redhead gives that motorcycle!  This might be the best thing I’ve seen since the lock-down.

[1]  After 30 seconds of research, it appears — against all odds — that yayas is not a synonym for breasts.  I shall be submitting an entry to the OED in the morning.  Or maybe the Urban OED.

[2] Your Rorschach may vary.

Anyhoo:

Welcome to CSI: Large Midwestern Town (SFT continues its trend of being set in generically described cities).  Vincent Price fires a bullet into a water tank that seems to have no water, then examines it under a microscope.  Dry — just as he suspected!  Also a perfect match to a bullet used in the crime he is investigating.  The ballistics and the blood sample should send this perp away for good, even without the confession the cops beat out of him.  The detective insists that the case was solved by “good old-fashioned police work, not hocus-pocus.”  Price tells him the day will come when every murder is solved in the crime lab.

Price’s former fiancee Ada drops by the lab and grinds the episode to a halt.  Price opens the door and she just stands there a few frames too long, then she slowly enters and begins speaking very slowly.  She says, “I want you to save my husband Robert March from being killed.”  Price knows her husband as the inventor of the March Motion Picture Projector.  Ada says his new invention, the April Motion Picture Projector, is the most important thing he’s ever done, as it really brings out the flesh-tones on those Bettie Page slides.  Unfortunately, someone is trying to kill him for it.

She wants Price to use his CSI skillz to make her husband’s lab safe — bullet proof glass, cameras — that sort of thing.  Price does a little research and finds that March believes in ghosts, seances, and the supernatural.  The newspaper archivist tells Price, that March “was married to a beautiful woman much younger than himself.  She is supposed to have jilted her poor fiancee to marry the rich Dr. March.”  Oh, I get it — well-played, SFT!

Price meets Ada at March’s lab that night to measure for Kevlar curtains.  I guess this makeover is meant to be a surprise because Ada waited until she saw March’s car leave.  When they enter the lab, however, they see March has been shot in the back.

The detectives are called and Price brings all his CSI training to bear on this mystery.  He determines from the powder-burns on March’s back that he was shot in the back from the back.  He also deduces that March knew the killer because “he had to come in through that door.”  The door behind March?  Check your math on that one.

The cops gave Ada a sedative because she had become hysterical, although for Ada, that might just mean she blinked and cleared her throat.  When she is back to her usual effervescent self, she tells the police the only person who might have known about the invention was March’s assistant, John Clifton.  Luckily, after being thrown under the bus by Ada, Clifton has a pretty good alibi — he’s dead (although not killed by a bus).

Blah blah.  That’s enough of that.  Go watch The Vast of Night on Amazon Prime.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Man Who Found the Money (12/27/60)

Are the stories getting thinner or did I just get fatter during the COVID-19 lock-down?  Yesterday’s One Step Beyond seemed pretty slight, but today’s Alfred Hitchcock Presents is like me going back to my old elementary school to vote and seeing my 747 hangar-sized cafeteria has shrunk to the size of an airport Bojangles.

William Benson is enjoying a weekend at the Pinto Casino in Las Vegas.  Or maybe not enjoying at this particular moment, because his chips are being depleted faster than the Ozone.  Hey, whatever happened to that crazy Ozone?  It was going to kill us all, now it never even calls.  In a move that seems reckless to a non-gambler like me, he puts his remaining chips on Black 11 [1] at the roulette table.  The ball lands on Red 25.

Benson takes it like a man, and leaves while he still has a few bucks in his pocket; so not really like most men.  He walks back to his room.  In the parking lot, he nearly trips over a huge money clip holding $92,000.  He looks around to see if anyone dropped it if anyone saw him.  Smoothly, he kneels, picks up the loot, and stuffs it in his pocket.  He goes back to his room alone with the $92,000.  Whereas, I would not have been alone and only had $91,000.

He counts out the cash, then looks for a place to hide it.  After trying a few locations, he decides on the brand new concept of stuffing the money in his mattress.  But ultimately, he sits in a chair with it in his hands from 3:50 am until he goes to the bank the next morning.  He rents a Safe Deposit Box for $1.75.  He pockets the other $.25 change to get a steak dinner and some back pills later.

Like a good citizen, he reports the found cash to the police.  He is shown in to see Captain Bone, which was my nickname in college.  Bone already knows about the cash, but he says $102,000 was reported missing!  He is dubious that Benson did not take the other $10k for expensive scotch or hookers or worse — waste it.  There are tense accusations and denials before Bone calls the owner of the cash.

Another upright citizen comes to meet Benson — Mr. Newsome, owner of the Pinto Casino.  Newsome, and even Bone in a reversal, could not be nicer.  They say the missing $10k will show up somewhere.  The 3 men go to the bank to pick up the cash.  Newsome is so pleased to have it, that he tells Benson to fly his wife Joyce in for a week to stay at the Pinto, all expenses paid!

Everything is cool.  Newsome drops Bone at the Police Station, and takes Benson to the Pinto.  Benson is set up with free drinks, and told the house will stake him at any game he wishes to play.  A few cigarettes later, Newsome calls him into his office and hands him the phone.  Benson’s wife Joyce says, “There are 2 awful men here”, then Newsome snatches the phone.  He says menacingly, “You fooled the police, but you didn’t fool me.  I don’t believe in holding grudges.  Be straight with me now, or something will happen to her.  It won’t be pretty.  Now let’s have my $10k you stole!”  Dunh dunh dunh.

I felt cheated when I watched the episode — it felt more like an act break than a real ending.  In reviewing it, however, I see I was wrong.  This is a masterful surprise ending, and a subverting of the usual AHP tropes.  Innocent people often get the shaft on AHP, but they aren’t usually the protagonist.  Benson has been nothing but honest and honorable for the entire episode.  That’ll teach him.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] I was going to make a possibly racist reference to a player wearing #11 in the NFL.  Since I can’t name a single active player of any color or number, I went to Google.  The first few pages of football players were all soccer players, so I guess I’m possibly a nationalist too.  Finally, a site offered the best NFL player by jersey number.  They selected Larry Fitzgerald for the honor.  His blurb also mentioned he was an 11-time Pro-Bowler, and I actually thought, “Wow, he bowls too!”  What a maroon!  I have no idea if he is black or white, but isn’t that how it should be?
  • Sadly I never got to reference the vice scene in Casino.  Just watching it again on You Tube, I don’t think I even want to link it.