Author Archives: don

Alien Abduction (2014)

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alienabduction01The following is leaked footage from the US Airforce.

This film had one strike going in — the horribly generic title.  And another strike just a few seconds in as they misspelled US Air Force.  They pulled it out, though, with a home run . . . ummm in the park . . . maybe on an error.

The film starts out in an alien ship with the found-footage camera being tossed out a garbage chute.

Then we truly begin with some allegedly true accounts of the Brown Mountain Lights including mysterious lights, creatures, abductions, and certain anti-gravity antics reported by a woman who would have really stress-tested the technology.

The Morris family is going camping at Brown Mountain.  It is refreshing that they are not all assholes as is typically the case.  Mom and Dad are there with kids Corey and Jillian. Younger son Riley is autistic which is used as an excuse to have him hold on to that camera like grim death.  He is pretty chatty for an autistic kid — it seems to come and go.  Maybe it’s that 24 hour autism.

As the gals and the guys are setting up the tents, naturally the woman finish before the men figure theirs out because mens are stoopid.  It still has not occurred to Hollywood that this same constant joke is actually patronizing to women.  At least they let a man make the fire.  With a barbecue grill lighter.

alienabduction03That night, after some strange flashes of light that illuminate the tents, they go outside and see the famous Brown Mountain Lights.  At first it is just 3 lights forming a triangle. Then they slowly move around, and zip away very quickly.

The next day, back in the mini-van, the GPS predictably goes out as they travel on back-roads.  They run low on gas because Dad was too stoopid to fill the tank, but do make it to a tunnel which contains several abandoned cars randomly scattered on the road.  Doors are open and toys, baby seats, CDs, and broken seat belts ominously litter the road.

The cars all seem recently er, abandoned.  They are just sitting there empty and fueled up for the taking, but Dad decides to explore the tunnel instead.  There is even a police car there with a radio blaring, but no time for that.

There is a very chilling incident in the tunnel which I will not spoil.  The lights, editing, and sound design actually sent chills through me.  You can bitch about Riley continuing to film, but would you rather not see anything?  Shut up.

The survivors get back in the van and tear out for the 50 yards the gas lasts them, then hoof it on foot.  They go up a dirt driveway that they had noticed on the way in.  Up until this point, I would rate this film as excellent.  However, the redneck who lives down the lane is the weak link in the film.

Sean greets them in his front yard with a rifle.  Its not like he’s moon-shining and these are revenuers — he just seems to be acting like an asshole.  He has the standard over-the-top southern accent, camo, trucker cap, manly-man beard and butt dangling from his mouth as he takes aim at them.  Like all movie hicks, he lives with his brother.  Shockingly, the script does not have him request anyone to squeal like a pig.

Once he sees what they are up against, he does take them in.  Luckily Sean does prove to have some good survival instincts.  He cleverly realizes that the police car in the tunnel will be the object of a huge search, and strings cans around his property to act as alarms.  That night, Sean’s place is flooded with light as the aliens attack.  Tragically, their galaxy-hopping technology enabled them to outwit the tin can strategy.

alienabduction06Sean is able to find his brother’s empty truck.  He is taking the survivors — which are now fewer in number — to town.  Once again, they see the bright lights.  Sean gives them direction to a barn to hide in.  A couple more are taken in the standard Fire in the Sky bright light tractor beam — but now with back breakage!

After a minute of credits, there is an utterly unnecessary epilogue.  But it does break up the 11 minutes of credits.  As always, I applaud them for not padding out the movie.

Other than Sean’s caricature of Hollywood’s perception of a southerner, this is a very good, efficient, chilling film.  Everyone else is great in their roles, it it moves at a perfect pace, and has some good scares.  Special kudos to the sound design which is literally chilling.

Highly recommended.

Post-Post:

  • Wouldn’t The Brown Mountain Abductions have been a more obvious and much more interesting choice of title?
  • The “actual” Lights have an official site featuring a clip which should embarrass The National Geographic Channel.  The Travel Channel also has a clip but I’ll be damned if I’ll sit through a 30-second commercial to see it.
  • For an opposing view: Skeptoid.
  • Is it even possible to have an in-the-park home run that does not include an error?
  • What kind of asshole does this to the rocks?  That’s who ought to be abducted and have their back broken.  You know, after a trial.

alienabduction02

Outer Limits – Dark Matters (S1E11)

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oldarkmatters01Generally, put a few peeps in a spacecraft and I’m immediately entertained.  Not so much here, though.  First we start off with the hackneyed idea of a craft becoming stuck in a region of space with no stars.  Just off the top of my head, in the Star Trek universe this trope has been used in Night, The Void, Where Silence Has Lease, and The Immunity Syndrome.  But as I always say, originality is over-rated — I’m still on board.

John Heard is at the helm — or at least beside it — of the the Nestor as it is sucked into an area devoid of stars.  Annette O’Toole, sporting an ill-advised short hair-do, chews him out for letting his co-pilot take the helm.  OK, the co-pilot showed up 10 minutes early for his shift.  Clearly he was qualified and would have been sitting there alone shortly anyway, so what is the beef?  Heard was two feet away.

In the void, they detect the USS Slayton, lost 10 years ago.  As luck would have it, in the entire universe, they have stumbled across a ship that Heard’s brother was serving on when it disappeared.  They send in a probe that records all of the dead bodies, still perfectly preserved in the vacuum of space; including Heard’s brother.

oldarkmatters04They also spot an alien ship trapped in the void.  The Nestor sends over a probe to investigate, but the alien ship destroys it.  In reviewing the Slayton’s data logs, they discover that the alien ship had sent a message.  I appreciated the fact that the transmission was so “well, alien” that it “couldn’t be assembled into data, much less decrypted” — unlike some movies I could name.

They find a huge chunk of matter that is “so massive it could theoretically warp time and space.”  O’Toole asks if it is so massive why aren’t they being crushed by the gravity — which sounds stupid even to me.  Drawn in and caused to crash, yes — but crushed?  Is it increasing the atmospheric pressure in space?  The crew also gets on my bad side by slaughtering the name of Yuri Gagarin — twice.  I’m no comrade, but the actors and producers grew up during the space race – how could no one catch that mistake?

oldarkmatters02As the aliens begin appearing on the Nestor, Heard’s dead brother briefly appears.  The Slayton’s dead captain also appears on the bridge.  He explains that even though they are dead, their souls can’t “pass on” due to the void they are trapped in.  Thus we have another foray into religion which typically is not a good mix for sci-fi.

Turns out that Heard’s brother has a secret in his past that has tormented Heard.  The brother has an idea that might save the Nestor, but Heard argues with him.  For the 2nd time in the episode, he proclaims, “I’m 37 years old!”  Not to nitpick, but the actor is 50 — not even close.

The Nestor teams up with the aliens and is able to escape the void.  Heard’s brother makes amends for their secret.  Everyone is happy.  Except the people who sat through this episode.  OK, it’s not bad, just a little mawkish.

Post-Post:

  • Obviously, the Slayton is named for Deke Slayton.  Having made that effort, you would expect the name Nestor had some significance.  But not that I can see.
  • Slayton’s sad fate in the Mercury program was not covered in the film of The Right Stuff.  Maybe in the book — time for a reread on that one.  Both book and film are excellent.
  • How to pronounce Gagarin.
  • Paul Lynch also directed Prom Night.
  • Not a bad projection of a future notebook, except for the 144 pt font:

oldarkmatters03

Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988)

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Howling040220 Movies for $5; What could possibly go wrong?  Part XIV.

The opening credits say this is based on The Howling I, II, & III by Gary Brandner.  So, it took three books to create this masterpiece; as opposed to The Hobbit which is one book being made into three films.  So this film must be stuffed with great ideas, metaphor, action, rich characters — it must be nine times as good as The Hobbit!  Great, can’t wait!

Author and walking 80’s billboard Marie Adams (Romy Windsor) is riding up in an elevator to meet her agent.  A nun boards the elevator with her, but when she turns to speak to her, she has vanished.  She spots the nun again at lunch, but again she vanishes.  She has yet another vision — this one of a wolf — and this is the one that finally gets her hauled away.Howling0403

She is taken to a hospital, where she opens up a compact mirror and sees a vision of her face all bloody.  But in the director’s signature move, the shot is so quick — just a few frames — that it is barely perceptible on the first viewing (and WTH would anyone watch it a second time?).

The doctor and her husband Richard decide she needs a few weeks in the country to relax. Marie, her husband and their their preciously-named dog Pierre go to a rustic cottage in the country.  Rustic meaning there are wolf claw marks on the door.

During a walk in the woods, Pierre disappears.  Marie seems to think this is worthy of reporting to the sheriff.   The next day she thinks she sees the nun from the first scene, but it turns out to be a local in a black cape who will soon be banging her husband.  She points out a short-cut home to Marie which takes her past a cave.  Peeking inside, she sees Pierre’s severed head — identifiable only after replaying the scene three times, thanks to the director’s signature .5 second shot.

The next day, Richard goes to the cave to check out Marie’s story about Pierre.  Despite Marie specifically telling him Pierre was “in the cave,” he does not even peek in.  He finds an old doll several yards from the cave and tells her that’s what she must have seen, silly woman.

The story picks up slightly as a couple of New Yorkers are killed.  Sadly, it is all wolf-cam, so we see nothing.

yada yada.

Howling0405Finally about 80 minutes in, we get what we came for.  Richard, who was bitten in the 2nd yada, begins melting into a pile of viscous goo.  I still don’t understand how that is a step to becoming a wolf, but I was just happy to see anything finally happen in this film.

This attracts many other man-wolves most of whom look more like Nosferatu than wolves.  However, to average it out, they also present shots of red-eyed dogs running around that are supposed to be wolves.

Eventually, Marie is able to kill the wolves in much the same way we saw in Night Shadow.  A car is launched toward a bell tower where they have been lured.  Then the car is blown up, consuming them all in the fire.  When the denouement of your film draws from the same concepts as a Kato Kaelin joint, you’re on thin cinematic ice.

Romy Windsor is very watchable with a very distinct look about her.  Sadly, she is not reason enough to endure this movie.  Some of the effects are fun and appear to be practical, but they are too few and far too late coming to be much help.

I rate this a I out of IV. Stoopid no-fraction-having Romans — it only deserves a .V out of IV.

Post-Post:

Ray Bradbury Theater – There Was an Old Woman (S2E11)

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bradbury02Maybe I see the problem here.  There are 100 stories in the collection I have of Ray Bradbury’s “Most Celebrated Tales.”  There are 65 episodes in the Ray Bradbury Theater series; but only 14 of the episodes are included in the “Most Celebrated Tales” volume.  Perhaps the other episodes were based on “Volume II: Crapped Out Facing Deadline Tales” or “Volume III: Really Only Worked on the Printed Page Tales.”  Because this series is a legacy-destroyer of Phantom Menacean proportions.

Old and stunningly unattractive Matilda hears a noise downstairs and finds several men coming into her house.  The small old woman winds her way around the tall black-suited men in the sole interesting shot of the episode.  Only one of them, credited as “The Listener” acknowledges her, showing her a wicket casket they have brought.

rbtthere01He sits silently, listening to Matilda pad out the episode with tales of her grand-daughter Emily, the one man of her life (who died), and her philosophy of death.  She tells him that she will not allow herself to die, will not get into that wicker basket.

He continues staring silently with a smile on his face, but she will not be seduced into giving up.  She utters maybe the most horrifying words in this series:  “I’m too old to be made love to.  That’s all twisted dry like an old tube of paint left behind in the years.”

Despite her protestations, she drifts off to sleep.  The screen takes on a golden “magic hour” hue, but it is not clear why.  It is not from either character’s perspective, yet alternates with standard color palette shots.  A few seconds later, the camera moves seem to suggest that it is The Listener’s POV, but this contradicts the earlier shot where he himself was bathed in the golden light.

rbtthere02She wakes up from resting her eyes and sees The Listener is leaving.  She gloats about how he was unable to get her in the casket.  Seeing the men carrying it out, she can tell that there is something weighing it down.

When she demands to see what is inside, the men stop and lower it for her — which is strange because they can’t see or hear her.  To be fair, it is halfway presented as adjusting their grip and halfway as  a freeze-frame moment.  Either might have been OK if they had committed to it, but this is just awkward.  She realizes that it is her in the casket.  But she was already dead in bed upstairs, so what really has changed?

Her grand-daughter enters the house and Matilda greets her, pouring some tea.  There is no way that Emily could have missed her.  Yet, she casually goes to hang up her coat.  Only when she enters the kitchen with Matilda, does she give a blood-curdling scream.  Throughout the scene her sight-lines are bizarre as if sometimes she can see Matilda and sometimes she can’t, or is trying to avert her eyes.  It’s just a mess, but the scream is pretty good.

To stop Emily’s screaming, Matilda slaps her face.  But then, in the struggle, Emily discovers that she is able to pass her hand through Matilda’s stomach.  So is Matilda solid or not?

She makes Emily drive her to the funeral parlor.  She sees the same men carrying a wicker basket and looks inside, but it is not her.  Strangely, the men can see her now as can all of the employees and mourners.

She finally finds her body being embalmed.  She tries to barge in, but is restrained by a fat guy.  She passes through the man’s arms, but that is done off-camera so we just cut to a goofy shot of him standing behind her with his arms in an empty circle.  Again, this could have been played for low-budget laughs had they committed.  Instead, they tried to obfuscate the shot and it just looks weird.  She slaps him, so she is solid again — or, at least that slapping hand is firming up nicely.

rbtthere03She threatens to haunt the funeral parlor unless they give her the body.  They remove her corpse from the slab where the autopsy had already begun with the Y incision.  They then lift her into the casket with the body and somehow the two bodies merge back into her “living” self but somehow wearing the surgical garb the corpse wore on the operating table .  The body in the surgical gown sits up in the coffin, to a pretty subdued crowd.  The Listener literally closes the curtain on the scene.

In the epilogue, Matilda says if any one asks, she will show them the marks “where that crazy funeral autopsy man sewed me right back up.”  WTF would ask?

Post-Post:

  • The Listener is played by Ronald Lacey, best known to American audiences as Toht in Raiders of the Lost Ark.  I’m not sure his name was ever used on screen, so he is the HNIC (Head Nazi in Charge).   With the head-piece of the Staff of Ra burned into his palm. You know, with the glasses.  The guy with the nunchuck coat-hanger.  Right . . . .

Ghostmaker (2011)

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ghostmaker01“Last year this footage started to appear on the internet.  As of today the identity of these people remains unknown.  The following film is inspired by their story.”

Well, this is new: A film that only claims to be inspired by the events rather than being based on them. I’m not sure that is better.  In this genre, based on is always an obvious lie; but inspired by flat out tells you this is show-biz.  No matter — this is a fun ride.

College student Kyle needs money for college necessities like textbooks and crystal meth so he is working for a cleaning service.  While clearing out an old woman’s basement, he finds a coffin with a window in the lid.  The film immediately becomes terrifying as it reminds me of having to sit through that episode of Ray Bradbury Theater which also featured a coffin with a view.

The old woman makes him promise to destroy it, but he thinks he night be able to sell it on eBay.  He opens it up to clean it out and discovers the cushions lift out.  Inside he finds a clockwork device with more wheels and gears than the Antikythera Mechanism.

ghostmaker04With his friend Pratt, Kyle finds an antique book with a drawing of the coffin which is called a Ghost Machine.  It was created to simulate the sensation of a near death experience.

They test it out first on a goldfish.  Seriously.  I appreciate that they are scientifically weighing the risks, but a goldfish?  Couldn’t they find an ant?  The fish appears to die, but does wake up, leading the brain-trust to proclaim the device safe for humans.  Fairly ludicrous, but more-so as we learn about the device.  It uses sound waves as part of the process — do goldfish have ears?  And plunges a needle into the back of the subject’s head — did the bowl mysteriously spring a leak?

Kyle tries it first and discovers that it transforms him into a ghost.  He is able to move about unseen, even through walls, while his corporeal body still lies in the coffin.  His buddy Platt tries it with similar results.  Kyle’s wheelchair bound roomie Sutton tries it, and naturally is able to walk.

ghostmaker06Kyle compounds his meth addiction with an addiction to the device.  One feeds the other as he uses the device to plan robberies in order to score more meth.  Eventually he sees the destruction that his actions are causing and realizes he must break the cycles of both the meth and the coffin.

Sutton is seduced by the device’s ability to let him walk again.  The more he uses it, the further more enslaved to it he becomes.  He uses the device far more than anyone else and experiences the most changes.  He uses the device to spy on Kyle’s girlfriend Julie, eventually stealing it to protect it from Kyle.  He rats out Kyle as a meth user and abducts Julie.

Platt falls down some stairs and dies.  OK, his story is a little thin.

The film looks great, and has great pacing and score.  The acting is a little spotty, but not distracting.  There is a strange flatness to the movie though, which I am at a loss to describe.  Maybe because there are no extreme highs or lows, no big jump scares, no big twists.  It even has an ending that ties things up maybe a little too neatly.  Maybe all that works in its favor — it succeeds by not doing anything wrong.

But the important thing is that it succeeds.  Highly recommended.

Post-Post:

  • Originally titled Box of Shadows.
  • The name on Julie’s medicine bottle is Julie Strain.
  • Not crazy about that cover.  While death is personified in the film, it looks nothing like that and does not carry a scythe.  The cover is actually far less interesting than the reality for a change — the old switch and bait.