Author Archives: don

Curtains (1983)

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curtains0220 horror movies for $5; what could possibly go wrong?  Part XVI.

I actually had some hope for this one going in.  It is still in print as a stand-alone at Amazon, although I’m not sure what it means that the DVD cost $3 more than the Blu-Ray.  Usually it would be a case of supply and demand.  But is anyone really demanding this, in any format?

Unfortunately, the transfer is this collection is god-awful, making it impossible to properly evaluate the film.  It has quite a few decent reviews online — ranging form not half-bad to calling it a gem — so I’m willing to blame the transfer for my boredom.

It gets off to a cheesy start with Samantha Eggar holding a gun on an unseen man as she yaps on and on.  The credits roll over the scene like it is a TV episode.  The camera draw back to reveal that she is an actress on stage performing for John Vernon.

Vernon and Samantha go to see a doctor Pendleton.  During their meeting, she freaks out and tries to stab Vernon.  When alone, they laugh as this was a ruse to get her admitted to the sanitarium to research a role.  She is no R.P. McMurphy as the residents bring her down rather than her enlivening them.

Also unlike McMurphy, she escapes from the institution — after hearing that Vernon is auditioning other actresses for the role she is researching.  Six women are invited to Vernon’s house to audition.  Of course, they start getting picked off, even before they get there in one case.

curtains07Probably the best kill is of the aspiring actress who is supposed to be a pro ice skater.  She can skate, but her movements and tiny leaps make it clear that the director of this movie did not hire a pro ice skater as an actress.  An old hag, or maybe a hag wearing a hag mask, begins skating toward her with a scythe.

There are more auditions, dead bodies, a head in a toilet  The conclusion has an interesting wrinkle.  Really, though, my copy is so awful, it is hard to care.

Post-Post:

  • Director Richard Ciupka asked to have his name removed from the credits.  The director credited on-screen is John Stryker — the name of John Vernon’s character.
  • Writer Robert Guza, Jr. shows up for the 2nd time in this collection (along with Prom Night).
  • Samantha Eggar was nominated for an Oscar, and won a Golden Globe for The Collector.
  • John Vernon was inexplicably snubbed by the Academy for his work as Dean Wormer in Animal House.

Tales from the Crypt – The Thing from the Grave (S2E6)

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The Thing from the Grave?  Isn’t that every episode of Tales from the Crypt?

OK, after the excremental Three’s a Crowd, this is a move in the right direction.  Miguel Ferrer and Teri Hatcher are almost always interesting, and writer-director Fred Dekker previously wrote two good episodes.

Photographer Devlin Cates is shooting a layout with Teri Hatcher in a bathing suit holding a spear-gun.  They could have ended the episode here and it would have been better than the last two.

tftcthingfrom02

Yada yada spectacular.

Miguel Ferrer shows up and acts obnoxious, accusing Cates of hitting on Teri.  As her manager and fiancee, he considers her his port of entry.  After Ferrer leaves, Cates offer her the spare key to his studio in case, you know, she just ever needs to get away.

Sure enough, she shows up at his studio one night.  Note to self: have spare key made; also, a studio.  He gives her a locket an old blind woman gave to him; she said that any promise made while holding that locket would come true.   He holds it and tells Teri he will always protect her.  Ya know, he could have told the old woman he would restore her sight, but I’m sure she was no Teri Hatcher.  Meanwhile Ferrer is outside peeping at them.

Ttftcthingfrom03he next day, he calls Cates and says that Teri is in trouble and to meet him at the old mill; or something.  Cates foolishly shows up and we are at the point where a flash-forward already showed us Ferrer shooting him, tossing him in a grave, and covering him up.

A flash-forward is usually used to get a little action into the early set-up of the story.  It is not necessary when you start out with a 26 year-old Teri Hatcher in a bathing suit.

Back at Teri’s place a week later, Ferrer shows up at her place and tells her he knows about her hook-up with Cates.  But he tells her that he is probably off with other models, that’s why she can’t reach him.

The next day, she goes to his studio.  She finds a bag of groceries and picks up an incriminating carton of ice cream.  Although, it is melted as you would expect, it is also half empty which makes no sense.  I could lose a few pounds, but even I don’t eat half the Ben & Jerry’s in the car on the way home.  She plays his answering machine with Ferrer’s voice as he grabs her from behind.

He ties her to the bed, and from her shrieking it sounds like he was up to no good.  He confesses that he killed Cates and buried him in the woods.  As he gets undressed, Cates emerges from the grave and slogs toward Teri’s house.

Ferrer goes outside and is grabbed by Cates who drags him back to the grave, pulling him under the ground with him.

This is really just a pretty straightforward, workman-like effort. But coming off a streak of bad episodes, it is very refreshing.  The Dutch angles are back, the bold palette, the humor, some star power.  Pretty lackluster twist, but I am happy with it.

Post-Post:

 

Outer Limits – The Conversion (S1E12)

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olconversion01The episode starts poorly with an excruciatingly awful song, but recovers quickly with the introduction of the dependable Frank Whaley.  He is sitting in a bar and jangles the ice cubes in his empty glass at the bartender.  Being a very young Curtis Manning from 24, Frank’s lucky he didn’t get his ass kicked.

While daydreaming — as you do — about killing his boss, Rebecca De Mornay sends over a drink.  She comes over and asks what he was thinking about.  He wisely keeps his boss-killing fantasy to himself.  But maybe not so wisely decides to go upstairs to the Christmas Party where is boss is.  Rebecca says she knows people up in the office and will go with him.

As the elevator doors open on the office party, he pulls a pistol from his waistband and kills three people before being shot in the stomach by a security guard.  Not John McClane, but a rent-a-cop — oh the ignominy!  He turns to look at Rebecca and she fades into thin air.

After the credits, he rushes outside in an out-of-place bizarrely-lit shot.  Things improve immediately as the freakish lighting is not sustained, plus he carjacks some mulleted yuppie scum.  He thoughtfully calls into the office to see if anyone was killed.

Running low on fuel, he coasts to the side of the road as the radio broadcasts information on him.  As it gets dark, he walks to a small restaurant.  He goes into the bathroom to examine his wound and wrap it in paper towels whilst thanking God they don’t use hand-blowers.

Maybe God hears him, because he shows up in Frank’s booth; or at least someone who seems to know a lot about Frank, his wound, the waitress, and bean-and-bacon soup.  He also knows that if Frank leaves tonight, he will be killed.  He gives Frank a magic handshake which not only perfectly heals his bullet wound, but mends and cleans his bloody white shirt.  Oh, and picks up the check — hail to the king, baby!

The — let’s call him an angel — angel points out how Frank’s financial misdealings have hurt others and makes Frank see that he is just a pathetic, lonely crook.  As Frank goes back to the bathroom, the angel stuffs some napkins under his shirt.  Either he is stealing them, or has empathically acquired Frank’s wound.

Frank now regrets shooting those people, but the angel says they weren’t really people, just “things” manufactured for the party.  The angel’s people intervened and planted these bogus humans at the party just before Frank opened fire.  Frank has killed no one.

olconversion04The angel switches bodies with Frank just as the police come in and arrest him.  Frank watches the other Frank being hauled out.  Looking in a mirror, he sees the angel’s face instead of his own.  He walks out a new man — literally.

Presumably the angel’s body that he just acquired does not still have the bullet wound the angel absorbed from Frank — that would have been a bitch.  Cue that same excruciating music again.

Post-Post:

  • Not sure this is a conversion so much as an enlightenment or redemption or atonement or just plain 2nd chance.
  • About these manufactured “people.”  So the county now has their hands on these mandroids that were just witnessed walking and talking hours before?  That can’t turn out well.  And maybe that security guard isn’t so hot after all, letting these strangers roam the office.  For angels (or possibly aliens), these two leave a lot of loose ends.
  • Rebecca really seemed to be egging Frank on to do the deed.  Not very angelic even if there was redemption planned.
  • This is Rebecca De Mornay’s only directing credit, but no problems except for that brief 2 second LSD shot outside the office building.  For an under-appreciated early-career RDM flick, watch Runaway Train.  To see how amazingly she is ageing, watch Mother’s Day.
  • Cigarette-Smoking Man is here, but mostly in the background.

Ray Bradbury Theater – And So Died Riabouchinska (S2E12)

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bradbury02The same short story served as the basis for this episode of Ray Bradbury Theater in 1988 and an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents in 1956.  Good omens: it was still considered viable 30 years after AHP, and 40 years after it appeared as a radio drama on Suspense.  Bad omen: it is not in the 100 Celebrated Stories collection (but then, neither is The Sound of Thunder or The Veldt).

No matter the pedigree, this is another turd.  Maybe I was biased by watching the far superior American AHP version first.

Detective Krovitch is called to investigate the murder of Mr. Ockham.  The prime suspects are ventriloquist John Fabian, his wife Alyce, and his manager Douglas.  Fabian taunts Krovitch by speaking through his puppet Riabouchinska.

Alyce says she married Fabian for love, but the best part of him was only realized through Riabouchinska.  She makes no secret of the fact that she was driven to an affair with Douglas.

The detective theorizes that Ockham knew of their affair and blackmailed them, resulting in his murder.  Alyce says that is crazy because Fabian knew of their affair  So yet again after Three’s a Crowd and The Dead Man, we have a man who seems OK with his wife having an affair.

rbtriabouchinska02Krovitch later seems to think he has discovered something incriminating by producing a poster of Fabian with a different puppet, and another poster of a ballerina named Illyana that resembles Riabouchinska.

Fabian admits that he one time saw Illyana dance and fell in love with her.  They were lovers, traveled the world.  After a quarrel, she ran away and disappeared.  To get her back, he created a doll in her image. Well, not to get her back, but to replace her.  Literally.

From inside her box, Riabouchinska says they began receiving letters from Ockham blackmailing Fabian, threatening to expose Fabian.  The puppet completely rats him out and makes a fool of him.  Wow, she is just like a real woman!

During their quarrel, she helpfully says, he actually struck Illyana and killed her.  In a jarring edit, Illyana is splayed out dead on the steps in the past.  When Fabian rushes to her and picks her up, it is Riabouchinska that he cradles in his arms in the present.

rbtriabouchinska09

Alfred Hitchcock Presents version with Charles Bronson and Claude Rains.

Disgusted that he killed Ockham, Riabouchinska devolves silently into just another still wooden puppet.  Heartbroken at losing her twice, he goes with the detective.

This is nearly unwatchable, especially when compared to the AHP version.  Hitchcock’s version was superior in both story and performances.  Charles Bronson played Krovitch and Claude Rains played Fabian.  Rains especially was excellent, truly selling the idea that he was a ventriloquist.  His motions creating the puppet and the very slight movements of his lips as he spoke through her seemed very authentic and kept the episode from drifting off into TZ territory.

Maybe this European RBT cast is beloved over there, but I found them dull and their accents were often indecipherable.  And at the risk of being cruel, Alice in the RBT version has a very distracting mole.  I mean really very distracting.

Even the puppet was far better in the original.  AHP’s version had delicate features and actually somewhat resembled the ballerina it was modeled after.  Maybe AHP had an advantage filming in B&W, but the RBT version really just looked like a tarted up whore.  To the ballerina’s credit, it did not even look like her.

Surprisingly, the 1950’s story is edgier.  In the AHP version, Riabouchinska says Fabian did not kill Illyana.  He did, however, still murder Ockham to keep him from telling the world of Fabian’s man-on-puppet sexual fetish with Riabouchinska:  The love that dare not speak its name without moving its lips.  Kind of extreme for the 50’s, if the audience ever thought it through.

But Hitchcock is the guy who would introduce the country to an incestuous transvestite serial killer in 4 years, so par for the course.

Post-Post:

  • AHP Deathwatch: No survivors.
  • In the AHP version, the voice of Riabouchinska is Virgina Gregg who also provided the voice for another stiff, Norma Bates.
  • In both versions, Fabian’s puppet before Riabouchinska was named “Sweet William.”  Think what you will, haters.
  • Riabouchinska is such an unusual name, I have to think Bradbury borrowed the name of the Russian ballerina Tatiana Riabouchinska.  If I never have to type that name again, it will be too soon.
  • Sadly, I was unable to work in an Ockham’s razor reference.

 

 

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The End of Indian Summer (S2E22)

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ahindiansummer01We learn 3 things from this first frame:  1) The episode is about the scarily named Triumphant Insurance Company.  2) Its symbol is a sack of money — more likely theirs than the beneficiaries.  3) That phone is juuuust about to fall off the desk.  None of this matters as the insurance company does not turn out to be the bad guy, and the phone does not fall.

Misdirection or mis-direction?

Joe Rogers is in a little hot water for selling a $50,000 life insurance policy to Ms. Gillespie who has already buried 2 husbands with similar policies in the past  years.  His boss orders him to check up on Ms. Gillespie and see if she seems like a killer or just really unlucky.

Rogers, with his wife as camouflage, goes to a realtor’s office and asks about the ol’ Gillespie house.  He says it is not on the market, but that she loves showing it off to complete strangers.  Sure enough, she does give him the grand tour.

She talks about her two dead husbands until she surprises Rogers by introducing a visitor as her new fiancee.  Back at the hotel, Rogers gets a telegram telling him that Ms. Gillespie has taken out another $50,000 policy on her new fella.

Concerned that the old man is walking into a buzz-saw, he rushes to the ol’ Gillespie place to warn him.  Gillespie and her fiancee have already left to be married and go on their honeymoon.  Another man who Rogers has seen around town arrives at the house.

Finally, the two men talk.  Turns out the fiancee has buried three wives, and the other man is an investigator for another insurance company.  So it is just a waiting game to see which one kills the other first.

Not much going on here, no interesting visuals, no salacious subtitles.  Just an OK placeholder episode.  Actually the first frame was the most interesting of the episode.  That phone bugged me the whole episode.

Post-Post:

  • AHP Deathwatch: Only Mickey Kuhn (the Bellhop) is still hanging in there.  He is one of the few survivors from Gone with the Wind.  He increased his odds by wisely being only 7 when it was filmed.