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Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Night the World Ended (S2E31)

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A group of reporters are hanging out a bar swapping stories, as opposed to now when they would be at a swanky cocktail party hosted by the people they are supposed to be covering, drinking mineral water and nibbling at a low-carb amuse bouche.

ahpnightworld01Halloran is established as a guy who likes a good practical joke.  That his jokes frequently end up in tragedy seems of no concern to him.

Local bum Johnny enters the bar and hits Halloran up for a drink.  Mr. H tells the bartender to “give him the good stuff.”  The bartender reaches under the bar where he just happens to have a shot already poured.  Johnny just about pukes when it turns out to be furniture polish.  Mr. H. gets a good laugh out of this, and Johnny tells him, “You didn’t have to do that!”  Unless Halloran psychically made the bartender pour the shot and place it under the bar waiting for this gag, I don’t really see how Halloran is at fault.  But he’s still an asshole for laughing.

Another newsie rushes in and gives Halloran the last edition hot off the press.  It says the world will end at 11:45 after a collision with Mars.  Johnny rushes out of the bar thinking he must do something special with the three remaining hours of his life.  Of course, the gang gets a huge laugh out of the prank they just pulled.  Maybe I misunderestimated Halloran; he is Schofieldian-level planner.

I think they use the same science adviser as The Twilight Zone.  OK, maybe it is possible that Mars has been broken out of its orbit and will collide with Earth.  But is it likely we would have only 3 hours notice?  Meh, I can always overlook problems like that in old sci-fi, but anything in color better not pull that crap.

ahpnightworld02To make the most of his last 3 hours on earth, Johnny flees the bar and goes to a liquor store — this is a guy with a limited world-view.  He begs the clerk for some free hooch since “it can’t make no difference now.”  The clerk understandably thinks he’s nuts. When his back is turned, Johnny grabs a couple jugs of Cognac (because the good stuff is always sold in 3000 ml bottles) and bolts out the door.

Chugging it in the park, he eludes the police.  He trips over the dogs being walked by an elderly woman.  She takes him back to her place to clean his jacket, and makes him some tea.  She is also a lonely person,  and Johnny is first man in 15 years she’s had in the house.  She understandably gets a little spooked when he says they will be together at her house until the world ends.  She screams for help and a neighbor arrives to throw Johnny out.

Wandering the streets, he encounters 3 young street urchins.  He asks the kids what they most want, and breaks into a sporting goods store to fulfill their dreams.  They go crazy shooting hoops, riding bikes and, inexplicably, fishing in the store.  One of them wants a gun, so Johnny helpfully gets a pistol and loads it for the tike.  A cop comes in and Johnny shoots him when he tries to stop the fun.  The kids bolt.

Johnny stops by a newsstand and is baffled that the newspapers contain headlines such as Naughton Accepts Nomination, Boxing Commission Charges Bribe, Crooner Jailed for Assault.  Johnny realizes he has been punked when the New York Times does not have the headline:

EARTH TO BE DESTROYED

WOMEN AND MINORITIES HARDEST HIT

OK, that’s an oldie; but a greatie.

ahpnightworld03Johnny returns the bar, still packing the heat he took from the store.  It just so happens he arrives at the bar, where the gang is playing cards, exactly at the supposed impact time of 11:45 PM.  Then, it truly is worlds in collision.

Great stuff.

Post-Post:

  • At what point did the pronunciation go from saddist to saydist?  I recall Rod Serling using saddist on TZ also.
  • One of the kids was a 14 year-old Harry Shearer (Spinal Tap, The Simpsons).
  • AHP Deathwatch: At least two of the kids are still alive, including Harry Shearer.
  • Story by Frederic Brown, who wrote the classic Arena on which the Gorn episode of Star Trek was extremely loosely based.
  • IMDb’s trivia on director Jus Addiss says he was the “life partner” of Hayden Rorke (Dr. Bellows on I Dream of Jeannie).  I did not know that.

Willow Creek (2013)

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willow05For anyone who thought Blair Witch was too action-packed, had too many scares, had too much character development, was confused by the complex arcs, and thought the ending was a little too definitive — this one is for you.

Jim and Kelly are going to the site of the famous Patterson-Gimlin Bigfoot video to make a documentary.  Like all documentarians and DJ’s in the movies, there is not a chance in hell anyone would sit through their production.

They do stop by many interesting sites in the area — Bigfoot Burger, a huge Bigfoot mural, a Bigfoot statue, Bigfoot Avenue, Bigfoot Hotel, Bigfoot Bookstore; sadly there is no Bigfoot Shoes.  Most of the other people in the small cast are actually citizens of Willow Creek who make their living in jobs created by the Bigfoot economy.  In some cases, they were not told this was intended to be a fictional movie.

This movie isn’t a slow-burn; it’s a no-burn.  Really nothing horrific happens for the first half except we have to see Jim’s butt.  Luckily the leads are not the usual hateable assholes; and the eccentric characters and touristy sites in the town are interesting.  It is 43 minutes in that we get the first hint of anything — a jump scare that turns out to be a raccoon.

willow03At the 47:30 mark, a lengthy static shot begins.  The camera never moves, there are no edits other than one blink to total darkness.  Jim is awakened by a knock.  The couple is tormented by subtle sounds at first.  Then, something walking around, some grunts and howls, maybe a woman screaming, something hitting the tent.  All of this developing very slowly, I can imagine this being intense in a theater.

Jim is fairly stoic, but does communicate that he is scared. Kelly is more emotional in a fearful, but not crazy way.  It was like Paranormal Activity in that you spent extended periods of time just waiting for something to happen.  The fact that there were stretches of nothing works in the picture’s favor.  I was tensed up to prepare myself for what I expected to be an explosive conclusion to the scene.  It didn’t really turn out that way, but does that negate the suspense I felt?

I had the scene lasting 18 minutes, although 19 seems to be the standard everyone uses in reviews.  It could even be up to 22 depending when you start it.  But does it really matter?  As dawn breaks, they reasonably decide it might be a good idea to head home a little early.

Naturally, at this point they become lost.  It could be another Blair Witch nod, but they’re in the woods — getting lost is kind of a given (speaking only from personal experience). They even use the ol’ “I’ve seen that tree before” trope.  Compounding the fear of being lost, they begin hearing the same eerie sounds from the previous night.

There is an encounter at the end, but not necessarily what we expect.

Overall, I liked it, but can understand a lot of people being put off by the first half which is just getting to know the leads and some folksy characters.  It could have benefited by something early in the film, but since it was found-footage, that gets a little dicey.

It might have helped if they showed the original Patterson-Gimlin film they frequently reference.  Maybe it was a cost issue since this was clearly a low-budget joint.  But it does leave a certain er . . . 800 pound gorilla not in the room.   This is like if Oliver Stone had not ponied up for the Zapruder Film in JFK.

I give it 3 out of 5 toes; but the big ones, not the pinky and its neighbor.

Post-Post:

  • I was a fan of Bobcat back in the day.  He comes off like a good guy in the commentary.
  • Bobcat’s original concept was to do this as a Christopher Guest type of satire on people who attend Bigfoot conventions, but he decided that would not be very nice. See — what a good egg.
  • The leads seem to be his rep company as both have made three movies with him.
  • A rare DVD watch, so I got to hear the commentary which was interesting.

Night Gallery – The Return of the Sorcerer (S3E1)

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nightgallery01Another time-warp entry in the “Complete First Season” collection.  This one is the premiere episode from Season 3 and I am struck immediately with bad news and good news and bad news.

  • Bad news:  Seeing there was a single title for this episode, I feared a 60-minute slog padded out by Serling-penned monologues.
  • Good news:  The episode was cut down to a 30-minute slog.
  • Bad news: Nothing could ever match the iconic TZ theme, but the original NG theme was more than adequate; the new 3rd season theme is dreadful.

Bill Bixby answers an ad placed by Vincent Price to translate an old text.  Price gives him a month’s salary up front to move into the mansion and begin translating immediately.

Bixby gets his gear and Price’s 33 years-younger wife Fern shows him to his room, then lays a kiss on him.  The actress is pretty much a blank with empty, dead eyes; she had a pretty good run in TV, though, so maybe it was acting.

ngsorcerer03Frankly, the whole thing gets pretty tedious.  Other people have rated it highly, though, so it might just be that I was never a Vincent Price fan.

The episode looks great with lots of deep reds and and blacks.  The atmosphere is solidly established by the mansion and candles.  There is also a lot of smoke swirling through the hallways.  Yes, it ‘s atmospheric, but when I see smoke inside a house, I call the fire department.  Outside, in a ghost story, it makes sense, but this is just goofy.  Bixby and Price are both great in their roles.  Sadly, Fern drags the show down a notch.

ngsorcerer04Just not much here to keep me interested.  OK, the goat at the dinner table was pretty good.

Post-Post:

  • TZ Legacy:  None.  Maybe this reflects Serling’s continuing loss of influence in the 3rd season.
  • The Fern character is not in the short story.

Death Mates for the Lust-Lost – Hugh J. Gallagher

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pulpfiction0125 stories for $.99; they must be good!  Part V of XXV.

Miriam Daly is on a launch to the island compound of Mr. Martinez.  The passengers are a diverse group including a lecturer, an aerialist, a singer, a dancer, a magician’s assistant, and a concert pianist — all female. There are clearly no rocket scientists in the group as they haven’t figured out they’re all going to the same place despite being on a small boat heading toward an island.

Martinez greets them at his mansion and pulls aside three of the women.  The other three are led to their rooms by a “half-nude” servant, although which half and which sex are not described.

Miriam is led into a bedroom and the door is locked behind her.  Soon there is a tapping at her window.  She opens the latch and lets in the aerialist, who is actually a man, man! He posed as a woman to investigate this disappearance of his sister who was last known to be heading to this island.

Hearing voices, Miriam and the aerialist Phil climb down a trellis and follow their three companions being dragged into the woods.  Turns out Martinez has brought women here to hunt for sport — the second time in five stories that this trope has been used.  To prove his seriousness, he brutally tortures and kills one of the women.

The next day, exploring the estate, Miriam and Phil (dressed as Phyllis again) discover what became of the other women, and of Phil’s sister.  Whatever torture and nastiness goes on in this collection, you can usually depend on scores being settle at the end.

A pretty straight-forward tale

Post-Post:

  • First published in Mystery Novels and Short Stories Magazine, July 1940.
  • Also that month: The first successful helicopter flight.
  • Same publication as Mystery Novels Magazine or least original rip-off ever?  I have no idea.

Tales from the Crypt – Fitting Punishment (S2E12)

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tftcfitting01Or, as it must have been known back in the day, “The One with all the Black People.” Aside from the occasional Voodoo witch, TFTC has been whiter than a Seinfeld reunion. Our politically-correct betters in Hollywood remedy this by gerrymandering all the African Americans into one episode whose key elements are a basketball and sneakers.  On the bright side, no watermelons were injured in making this episode.

The episode opens on the Thorntonberry Funeral Home.  For some reason, the owner is credited as Ezra Thornberry.  Bobby Thorntonberry’s parents have been killed in a car crash, so he has come to live with his uncle.  Ezra reluctantly takes him in, also as an employee offering only room and board.  He begins immediately showing him the tricks of the trade by prying open the lips of his latest customer.  She is sporting a gold tooth — naturally.

Ezra further displays his cost-cutting practices by embalming a corpse with tap water. Actually, he very reasonably points out that the dead man doesn’t know the difference and the chemicals cost money.  I’m kind of on Ezra’s side.  This slab of beef is going in a vault in the ground, who cares.

tftcfitting03Further, he orders his coffins from Taiwan.  The Chinese being 6 inches shorter, their coffins are are smaller, ergo cheaper.

When the wrong type of casket is ordered, Ezra blames Bobby and beats him with a tire iron.  The medical bills start to mount up so Ezra sells Bobby’s Air Jordans to cover some of the cost.  He tells Bobby, on crutches, that he doesn’t need shoes.  Bobby threatens to go to the police.  As Bobby is struggling to climb the stairs, Ezra nails him with his own basketball, knocking him down the stairs and killing him.

Ezra gives him the water embalming and plops him in the misordered coffin.  Being one of the Chinese coffins, and Bobby being tall kid, his feet are hanging out of the end of the box.  Once again, Ezra has a solution and breaks out the power saw, cutting Bobby off at the ankles.

tftcfitting02The night after Bobby is buried, Ezra is awakened by a knocking.  No one is at the door.  He thinks his disapproving former organist is doing this to him — until he sees a ball slowly bouncing one step at a time, down the stairs, rolling to a stop at his feet, just like in The Changeling — except with a basketball cause, you know, he’s black.  There really is a satirical level to the scene, which I can’t imagine they intended.

A pair of Air Jordans with bloody fresh cut-off feet in them kick Ezra in the ass. Fortuitously, he is standing at the top of the basement stairs and falls down the same stairs where Bobby died.  Then he sees the bloody shoes hopping down the stairs; followed by the footless zombie-Bobby crutch-walking down them, footless legs dangling like Bobcat Goldthwait’s dummy.

Moses Gunn is great as the hateful old mortician.  Jon Clair, the nephew, had a pretty short career, but effectively pulls off his role as a naive well-meaning kid.  Another good one.

Post-Post:

  • Hey, how’d those Chinese guys get in the shot?  Oh, I guess if you order merchandise from Taiwan, Chinese guys deliver it.
  • It took three people to write this — this is the only writing credit for two of them.  The third writer, Don Mancini wrote several Child’s Play / Chucky movies.