This is Serling’s contribution to this fairly ignominious episode.  We start off in a nice western frontier town where Forrest Tucker is beating a drum to draw customers to his wagon.  And by customers, I mean rubes.

He is hawking an elixir, “a strengthening cordial that reinvigorates the stomach, stimulates the liver, regulates the kidneys and restores health and vitality.”  It cures cholera, yellow fever, acne, chills and dizziness of all kind.  Although I think a cure for anthrax or syphilis might have gone over better with this crowd.  Being a humanitarian, he is willing to let this miracle tonic go for only $1 per bottle.

One of the suckers comes to Stringfellow’s wagon and asks him to look at his daughter.  He finds her in an uncovered wagon.  She says there is a pain in her abdomen and it is growing.  Rather than thinking she is knocked up, Stringfellow unsurprisingly prescribes his Rejuvenator and predicts she will be up and around in a week.  He pockets a buck for the tonic and a small honorarium.

As he walks away pocketing the 2 bucks, he is approached by a Dr. Snyder who calls him out on his flim-flammery.  Snyder makes a much more medically sound diagnosis of the girl

When the rube’s daughter continues to “die an inch at a time,” he confronts Stringfellow. Stringy prescribes another bottle of the Rejuvenator.  Another honorarium probably wouldn’t hurt either.  He changes tacks and says that he is actually selling faith, and that “if that child crosses into the shadows, I will bring her back to life.”

Sadly, the girl does cross into the shadows (i.e.croak).

When Stringfellow goes outside, across the dusty road he sees the dead girl rocking in a chair.  He asks her if it is a haunt or a resurrection.  She stands and the camera cuts to Stringfellow and then back to the empty chair.  The girl has disappeared, but the chair is still rocking.  This makes no sense as even if she is still there, but invisible — she had stood up, so the chair should not be rocking.

Then he croaks.

Post-Post:

• Twilight Zone Legacy:  Murray Hamilton was Mr. Death in One for the Angels.  But he is more better known as the mayor in Jaws, and most better known for his cool anchor jacket in that movie.
• Skipped Segment:  Hell’s Bells.  Neither good enough nor bad enough to merit comment.  It does, however, star the always-entertaining John Astin.  He is playing a hippie kind of like Bob Hope would play in sketches long after the hippie era ended cuz a 106 year old dude saying “groovy” spellz komedy.

I wouldn’t normally write about one of the short Night Gallery sketches, but this one fails so completely on every level that it can’t go without recognition.

1. The Title — There is no blood bank in the story.  Then I thought that maybe the titular blood bank was a metaphor for the girl.  Like when Jack Torrance referred to Wendy as “the old sperm bank”  in The Shining (although he could have been referring to his own impotence).
2. The Description — From the DVD menu:  A vampire attempts to open an account at a blood bank but only plans on making withdrawals.  OK, so the title did refer to a literal blood bank.  Well, where the hell is it?  There is no account being opened — the entire sketch takes place in a girl’s bedroom.
3. The Dialogue — As the vampire is about to bite the girl, she says, “I gave at the office” and he withdraws dejectedly.  OK, I get that this references an old joke about dodging people seeking contributions, but does she work at a blood bank?  Is that the office?  I am very confused.
4. The Cast — The girl is played by the producer’s daughter in her only IMDb credit.  On the other hand, admittedly, Victor Buono is great as the vampire.
5. The Effort — Zero on the above points.  The segment only runs 1:36 and 14 seconds of that is spent on the oil slick at the beginning.

So was the wrong segment put on the DVD?  Was it just severely edited for time?  Rod Serling did no intro for this segment — were they just embarrassed to show it to him?  I am at a loss.

Post-Post:

• Twilight Zone Legacy:  None.
• Odd Couple Legacy:  Victor Buono was highlarious playing an exorcist.

The dude from Hogan’s Heroes and the loud chick from Laugh-In.  Is this a horror show or The Love Boat?

The segment opens in London where Ellis Travers (Bob Crane) is complaining about a house-swap that resulted in him leaving New Jersey for London.  Wait, what?

Not content with his flat, he wants to get a larger place, somewhere he can entertain. — and, being Bob Crane, room enough for his camera equipment.  He persuades his wife Iris (Jo Anne Worley) to go along by noting that some of the local homes for rent come with ghosts — a passion of hers.

He goes to see an elderly real estate agent who advises Travers to stick with a suburban ghost.  He gives a great short diatribe about their superiority over country ghosts who are up at the crack of dawn.

The agent also tells Travers that there are different types of ghosts — hallway ghosts, attic ghosts, bedroom ghosts, etc.  Upon hearing that it it has a stairwell ghost, Travers decides to rent Canby Manor, which comes with the ghost of Mr. Canby.

As soon as they arrive, Iris admires the sweeping staircase.  Travers said he had visualized her at the foot of the stairway the moment he saw the photos.  In the background, an invisible hand is using a translucent razor blade to cut through the handle of a suitcase.  When it breaks as Travers takes it upstairs, it nearly rolls over top of Iris.

Travers has a passion of his own — a blonde bird name Sherry.  She is cool with his idea of bumping off his wife to get his mitts on the princely sum of $2,000 per month.

When Iris has trouble sleeping — meaning, she is dragged out of bed by an invisible entity — Travers calls a doctor.  Or as they call them in England, a doctor.  He diagnoses Iris as having only 8 months to live.

Travers decides that he can wait a few months for his wife to go naturally, and more importantly so he doesn’t have to risk getting caught.  Canby has other plans and pushes her down the stairs.  You can’t really blame him — he was advertised as a stairwell ghost, after all.

Canby presents him with a bill for his services — a mere $2,000 per month.  In perpetuity.

Post-Post:

• Twilight Zone Legacy:  Alan Napier was in Passage on the Lady Anne (also Alfred in the 1960’s version of Batman).  Bob Crane was an uncredited DJ in Static, presumably voice-only.
• I like that flat refers refers to a 1-story apartment — it is literally flat.