Author Archives: don

Outer Limits – The Deprogrammers (S2E16)

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oldeprog07I wish I could deprogram this from my line-up.  See what I did there?

Earth has been conquered by giant reptilian aliens which have brainwashed and enslaved humanity to be worshipful and submissive to their new masters; just like the media to Obama.

They might be murderous beasts, but they haven’t lost touch with their softer side.  Koltok has 2 human slaves draw him a warm bath in what appears to be the lobby of a hotel.  He then calls for bath oils to go into the viscous goo he bathes in, which already appears to be about 30-weight.  When one of the slaves drops the oil, Koltok slaps him across the room, killing him.

The other slave, Evan, is due to leave that day for a rejuvenation i.e. re-education update after bath time. However, he is abducted from the bus and awakens in a resistance facility run by Professor Davis (Brent Spiner).  To break his literally slavish devotion the lizards, Davis throws him around the room with a strength I doubt Spiner possesses, but gets no reaction.

They then leave him alone in a bedroom with a one way mirror.  When he sees his own reflection for the first time since his enslavement, he passes out.  Davis throws him into a bathtub and sprays him in the face with the shower.  Evan tries to escape, but just happens to open the door where is wife is staying . . . who just happens to be standing right by the door.

oldeprog08This leads to an interminable series of melodramatic scenes meant to bring Evan’s humanity to the surface again.  Finally, after learning of the death of their child, he is back to his old self (no, his old-old self) and agrees to go on a mission to kill Koltok.

Supposedly back from his rejuvenation, Evan is once again drawing Koltok a bath.  He brings the precious oils to him, but drops the bottle in the bath.  The oil has been replaced with some agent that hardens the goo he bathes in so he is trapped.  Evan beats him to death and takes his head back to resistance HQ.  Fortunately, no one along his route questions why he is carrying a blood-soaked white pillow case.  And this was no small head — this was one of those Ted Kennedy 25-pounders.

Unfortunately, the resistance operation is a ruse and this has all been an insidious plot to 1) kill Koltok so his even more eviller rival can succeed him, and 2) waste 45 minutes of my life.

oldeprog09Erich Anderson brings nothing to his role as Evan, though, to be fair he is basically playing a zombie for most of the episode.  His wife did not exactly leap off the screen either.

The big surprise and disappointment was Brent Spiner as the head of the resistance.  Whether it was simple miscasting, or maybe he is just too type-cast as Data, he is largely responsible for the failure of the episode.  Every time he spoke, I heard EmotionChipData, Lore or the young Noonian Soong.

There is also the strange decision to show only the reptile’s arm for most of the episode.  We only get a shot of the head and body near the very end.  While they are certainly monstrous, the reveal is not shocking enough to justify the wait.  And the reptilian arms are not alien enough to generate much suspense about what they are connected to.

Post-Post:

  • Canadian disc title:  Les Déprogammeurs.

The Ape-Men of Xlotli – David R. Sparks

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pulpxlotli01Yikes — longest story in the collection — 114 pages according to Amazon’s print version.

The action starts immediately as Kirby is running from eleven Mexicans firing at him with bullets “whining over his head and whizzing past the hoofs of his galloping, stolen horse” — nice grouping!

He stops to give the horse a rest and some water. In the distance, he sees the band of Mexicans come to a sudden stop.  Also, the horse runs off.  He surmises that both events have something to do with the sickening sweet smell in the air, and a sound like a geyser.  With no horse, and the Mexicans not moving, Kirby ventures into a canyon unknown to him.

Before long he sees a rattler and a skeleton.  He is able to tell from the bones that it was a white man, and sees that he died grasping a golden cylinder.  Continuing along the narrowing canyon, Kirby comes to a dead end.  Luckily, he is able to detect a hidden doorway and goes through it.  On the other side of a dark tunnel, he emerged into a “diminutive Garden of Eden.”

Over the course of eleven days, Kirby detected signs of life, and that someone had been in his camp as he slept.  He takes one of their clues to be a hint to go down into the geyser, so he spends days fashioning a rope to lower himself down.

Immediately after the next eruption, he lowers himself into the hole.  At 100 feet, he discovers another horizontal tunnel and hears music.  Looking up, he sees someone cut his rope and he falls, or slides down the sloping pit until he is ejected into a pool of water outside.  It gets better as he is rescued from the water by a group of hot babes.

They tell him that their people have lived there forever, unknown to the outside world. But now they need help.  This is proven true as a band of the titular ape-men storm the beach.  They try to carry the babes back into the jungle, but Kirby shoots one of them and the others get the idea.

The girls want him to lead a revolt against their human leaders.  For many years, there had been only girls born, and in the last 16 years, no babies at all.  So now 34 young women were ruled by some old geezer Wise Men.  Between the low birthrate and the ape-men, the girls sought outside help to help with the ape-men infestation.  The Wise Men wanted to enter a treaty with the ape-men where they would give away some of the girls in exchange for peace.

They ascend the plateau where the Wise Men live.  One of the very old men immediately comes at Kirby with a knife.  He subdues the old man and demands to see the High Priest.  The High Priest then tries to do what the Wise Men could not — Kirby responds by punching him in the face, and kicking him out of the tower.

Much of the High Priest’s power is due to his separation from the others.  Like the Wizard of Oz, once they see that he is just a dude, he is greatly diminished in their eyes.

After kicking the High Priest out of his tower, Kirby takes one of the babes as his wife. Their marriage and his coronation are scheduled for the same day so they will get screwed on gifts.

Like all socialist utopias, this one has a cache of weapons hidden by the elite.  Kirby distributes the rifles to the girls and makes Annie Oakleys out of them

Just as Kirby and his bride Naida are preparing to be married, Kirby spots some ape-men, presumably on the bride’s side.  Luckily, this wedding is packing more heat than Connie Corleone’s.  After they see that Naida has been taken, they arm up and head for the ape central.

They make their way through this underground wilderness, facing a dinosaur, wild beasts, things with tentacles — again with the tentacles! — and even the legendary Quetzacoatl.  Kirby is able to save the day by merely killing the High Priest.  And every last remaining ape-man.  On earth.

A pretty good story.  Longer than the others, so there was more meat to it.  Maybe not so much in characterization, but in various scenes of action.  Sadly with the cast of nubile jungle-women, there was nothing the least bit risque in their clothing or actions.

Post-Post:

  • First published in Astounding Stories of Super Science, December 1930.  Entire issue is available at Gutenberg.
  • Also that month: Bette Davis arrives in Hollywood; national concept of beauty takes a weird turn.

Ray Bradbury Theater – The Earthmen (S5E1)

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rbtearthmen03The third expedition has arrived at Mars.  Although, for some reason, in the published Martian Chronicles, the third expedition was the basis for Mars is Heaven.  And the earlier episode And the Moon Be Still as Bright was about the fourth expedition.

This is the first episode of the fifth season, and they seem to have gotten a few bucks for special effects.  It ain’t Avatar, but it is a step up from the usual quality.  The ship lands and the four crewmen start across the desert looking like Reservoir Dogs, except they are all Mr. Orange.  And with about the same life expectancy.

rbtearthmen05The men find an appropriately alien-looking house.  Captain Williams knocks and an appropriately alien-looking woman answers the door.  She has a strange purple/bronze skin which doesn’t seem quite right, but it could be the lousy transfer.  Her manner of speaking, however, is very effective — very manic and halting. Kudos to whoever came up with it.

She tells Williams that Mr. T is very busy, and it is Mr. A at the next farmhouse that they should see although she pities the fool who bothers him.  She then gives them a metallic card for A and slams the door on them.  Mr. A is not thrilled to see them.  He pulls out a gun and says he is going to kill Mr. T.  In the mean time, he tells Williams that the man he really needs to see is Mr. I.

rbtearthmen15Mr. I is a little calmer than his neighbors (or neighbor, if Mr. A has already killed Mr. T).  He at least invites them into his house.  Mr. I uses telepathy to learn about Williams and Earth.  He gives Williams a paper to sign.  Williams asks if his men should sign, and Mr. I gets a laugh.  He gives them a smile, a handshake, and a room for the night.  And a chance to meet Mr. X in the morning.

When they open the room, it is already filled with people although there are apparently only 26 families on the planet.  Mr. U welcomes them, and the crowd hoists the men on their shoulders in celebration.  After introductions, Mr. U claims to be from Earth.  From the crazy reaction of the crowd, it is clear that they have been put into a “lunatic asylum.”

One of the inmates tells Williams he can open the door with his mind.  Sure enough, he can, but Mr. X is waiting for him.  He has judged Williams to be insane and that his three crewman are illusions, projections that Williams has manifested.

They take Mr. X to the ship to prove that they are all real and that the ship is real.  Mr. X is very complimentary of the illusion and proclaims Williams a “psychotic genius.”  He then shoots Williams and his crew with a very cheesy laser.  He is baffled that the crew and the ship did not disappear as Williams died.

rbtearthmen33Then Mr. X kills himself with a laser blast to the head.

As the men lay dead, the ship’s radio says, “What’s going on there?  Come on guys, stop horsing around.”

Post-Post:

  •  First published in Thrilling Wonder Stories, August 1948.
  • Mrs. T really stole the show as the first alien we see. The others just aren’t in her league.

The Terrible Tentacles of L-472 – Sewell Peaslee Wright

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pulpterrible01Not to be confused with LV-426.

Hanson is recalling the days of his youth — 100 years ago — when he was sub-commander of the spacecraft Kalid of the Special Patrol.

Immediately upon receiving a promotion to commander, he is given the assignment to find two missing ships, the Dorlos and the Filanus (commanded by Rear Admiral Tobias Fünke, I believe).

Both ships had been ordered to L-472 and never returned.  The Kalid is to follow their trail, but very carefully.  The are ordered not to land until they have spotted the ships from low-level reconnoitering.  But really, what is the alternative?  Land and search the planet on foot?

The Kalid spots the ships, but is unable to positively identify them.  Yeah, those are probably two other ships on this uninhabited, unexplored rock described as “off the beaten path” (of space?).  Hanson plays the odds and decides to land the ship.  As they get closer they are able to confirm that these are indeed the missing ships.  Both are intact, with their hatches wide open, not even a screen door; but no signs of life.

The rescue party consists of half the Kalid crew, and they are packing “atomic power pistols.”  Christ, I’m a 2nd Amendment guy, but let’s not get crazy.

The group enters the Dorlos which, like the Mary Celeste, seems like it was abandoned suddenly with no clue as to why.  Hearing a commotion outside, they rush to the hatch. The trees are now:

“Lashing and writhing as though in the grip of some terrible hurricane, trunks bending and whipping, long branches writhing, curling, lashing out –“

Next time I see the word writhing twice in one sentence, there better be some girls involved.  Come to think of it, they certainly seemed to have skewed the chained and scantily clad babes toward the early selections of this anthology.

When two of the men make some sudden movements to avoid a bee-like creature, the low gravity of the small planet can’t stop them from soaring into the air.  In mid-air they are snagged by the tentacle-like branches of the forest.  The trees continue attacking the men until they use the disintegrater beams to start slicing through trunks.

They get a signal from a survivor of the Dorlos to kill as many trees as they can.  He describes a similar scene as the Kalid experienced.  The Dorlos’ crew, unready for the low gravity, sailed into the air and were snagged by the trees for feeding.

After a bloody or at least sappy attack, the humans prevail.  Hanson is able to save 11 men and is a hero.

A nice little space opera, but could have used more action with the tentacles.

Post-Post:

  • First published in Astounding Stories of Super-Science, September 1930.  Entire issue is available at Gutenberg.
  • Also that month: First non-stop flight from Europe to the US despite Lindbergh having made his US to Europe flight 3 years earlier.  Guess they didn’t want to push their luck.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Diplomatic Corpse (S3E10)

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ahpdiplomaticcorpse02Evan and Janet Wallace are showing Janet’s old battle axe aunt around California and she hates it.  She hates the desert, hates the rocks, hates everything.  When Evan points out a 200 year old Spanish mission, she has to trump him by saying, “Westminster Abby was consecrated in 1050 — that’s over 900 years old.”  Although she and her niece are supposed to be English,I don’t detect much of an accent.

She does, however, appreciate the mission in contrast to her feelings about the dreadful modern buildings that Evan designs — which she is not shy in sharing.

She insists on going to Tijuana despite not having the papers to get back into the US –this is back when there used to be a border.  Luckily, they get a pretty lax officer who peeks in the car, sees a nice couple and an old lady snoozing in the back seat, and waves them through.

After they cross the border, they try to wake up Janet’s aunt but discover she is dead. Of natural causes?  On Alfred Hitchcock Presents?  WTH?  They pull up to a cantina and throw a coat over Auntie while they have a drink and plan what to do.  If nothing else, a dead body in a hot car in Mexico might draw some flies away from the cantina.

No slur there — there is a huge roll of flypaper hanging in the restaurant, so they must have a problem.  That’s gonna cost them a Michelin star.  When they come out, they see the car has been stolen.  Not wanting to involve the police, they go to private detective Peter Lorre.

ahpdiplomaticcorpse10Back at the hotel, they get a visit from the Policía.  They have found a car like the Wallace’s. They go downstairs and confirm that it is their car, but it is missing its third wheel — Auntie has disappeared.  It wouldn’t be such a big deal, but they stand to get a large inheritance and need Auntie’s body to prove she is dead.

They go back to Lorre to see if he can locate the old bag.  He consistently nickel-and-dimes them like Mr. Haney on Green Acres.  He finally comes up with the body.  They follow the hearse to a funeral home in the states.

ahpdiplomaticcorpse13The funeral director calls them in to view the corpse — Lorre has sent them home with a man, man.

Strange episode.  The heart of the story is really Lorre’s huckster private detective rather than the . . . well, there really is no crime.  The dead body is just a macguffin — no murder, no cover-up, no irony, no self-incrimination.

With the story and the cast, more could have been done with the episode.  The opening of the casket feels more like the cliff-hanger of a two-parter than a satisfying conclusion.  Part two would be where Evan drives back to Mexico and beats Lorre like a piñata.

Post-Post:

  • AHP Deathwatch:  No survivors.
  • Sadly, no way I could I could reference Michael leaving Egg in Mexico.