Author Archives: don

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Canary Sedan (06/15/58)

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ahpcanarysedan02On board a literal slow boat to China, Laura Bowlby is using a Ouija Board to steal money from unsuspecting rubes, much like the producers of Ouija.  Her husband James St. George Bernard Bowlby has invited her to be with him in Hong Kong where is he working for a bank which I’m sure is entirely reputable.

We see her do a reading with an Asian man for which he lauds her. Her performance is impressive as the Ouija Board produces an answer in Chinese, which she does not speak; and even more impressive, as there are no Chinese characters on the board.  She also established her bona fides earlier by telling the bartender where he was born.

Laura is greeted at the port by her husband who immediately has to take off to oversee an acquisition.  He leaves Laura with is assistant and asks him to order her cards with her name engraved on them.  Apparently, this is a thing in Hong Kong — new people give out cards of introduction.  As the cards read Mrs. J. St. G. B. Bowlby, they really aren’t much of an introduction for Laura.

ahpcanarysedan04He tells Thompson to rent a car and driver from Nixon’s Garage as he is a reliable fellow.  I wonder if this was some sort of sly political reference to buying a used car from then Vice-President Richard Nixon.  He suggests a sight-seeing drive to Repulse Bay which is a real place and must be better than it sounds.

At the garage, Laura is immediately draw to a particular car.  She says she would like it better if it were canary yellow.  The salesman tells her it originally was that color.  So apparently she is a Silver Ghost-Whisperer also.

Laura (Jessica Tandy) gets in the car and begins her 30-year career of being driven around by non-white men.  Along the way, she hears a ghostly voice say, “You’re so silly Jacques.”  It is implied that the voice is coming from a flower in a sconce in the car.

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AHP (1958), Driving Miss Daisy (1989)

The next day, James St. George Bernard is back in town.  The Bowlby’s are riding in the car and Laura says, “I’m sorry I upset you Jim, about the car.”  James St. George Bernard replies, “Oh, I just felt it was too big for our needs.”  So the script seems to indicate this is different car.  However, it looks the same, the upholstery is the same, and it has the same sconce with a talking flower in it.  A different car is not necessary to the story, so I am baffled by this reference.

She takes the flower from the sconce and hears voices again.  This time, the woman’s voice describes her house and the driver is able to find it for Laura.  An old man answers and says there is no woman there.  After the man closes his door, as in every post on this blog, Laura feels free to open a gate to his China Garden (not the one by the airport) and walk right in.

ahpcanarysedan07It is a lovely garden with a brook, a bridge, some sort of exotic bird.  It’s all fun and games if you describe fun as breaking and games as entering. Laura is all smiles until she sees a carved stone by the water.

Sweetest Love, I do not go, For weariness of thee, They who one another keep alive,

Ne’er parted be.

Which is more fun and games if you define fun as cheating and games as bastard.  The inscription at the bottom is ADA and JstGBB.  She had determined that the disembodied voice was a woman named d’Ardennes (I’m not sure A first name was mentioned), and of course, we now understand the point of the writer giving her husband that ridiculously unique moniker.

Not a lot going on here, but it is a unique episode in that there is a supernatural element which is never exposed as fakery.  There still are questions, though.  Why was the flower the conduit for the voices?  Didn’t Francois (husband of Madam A. d’Ardennes) object to having another man’s love for his wife carved into a rock in his garden?

Nothing great going on here, and I’m disappointed to see AHP stray into the paranormal. Still, Jessica Tandy was quite good and the stock footage of Hong Kong was nicely cut in.

Post-Post:

  • AHP Deathwatch:  Once again, Nixon got the last laugh.
  • OK, the driver is still alive also.

Twilight Zone S4 – Mute (01/31/63)

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tzmute01At a meeting in 1953 Dusseldorf, a group agrees to dedicate their lives to developing telepathy in themselves and their children.  Eventually they will create a colony where all communication will be mental.

Ten years later in the freakishly appropriately-named German Corners PA, one of the couples from the meeting has their house burn down as thinking 9-1-1 did not bring the fire department in time.  They die, leaving their daughter Ilse an orphan.  The firemen find her safely outside the fire, but she does not respond to their questions.

The Sheriff Wheeler takes her back to his house.  She stays in the room of the Wheeler’s dead daughter Sally.  The sheriff doesn’t understand the girl’s silence — Ilse, I mean, not Sally.  He says, “I know she’s not deaf, dumb or retarded,” hitting the non-PC trifecta.  He says it is as if she doesn’t know how to talk.  Ilse awakens in Sally’s bed and telepathically calls to her parents.  Being a small rather than a medium, she gets nothing.

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Sheriff Wheeler really doesn’t seem to get the concept of a mailbox.

Wheeler recalls how he had tried to get Ilse’s parents to enroll her in public school, but they wisely declined.  Naturally, Cora sees her as a surrogate for Sally.  Ilse reads Cora’s mind and sees what happened to Sally.  She seems happy to fill in, but really perks up when she hears that some letters from Europe have arrived at the Post Office.  Demonstrating that famous Aryan commitment to diversity, she really wants to be taken back to the other children who are exactly like her.

The Postmaster would not let Wheeler open the letters, so he writes letters back to addresses on the envelope.  Cora retrieves the letters and burns them.  She is witnessed by Ilse and damned lucky she doesn’t go all Carrie on her.

tzmute10Wheeler asks Miss Frank from the school to come by.  She communicates without words, too — she snaps her fingers summoning Ilse to her.  Ilse sends out a message to Cora, “Please, don’t let her touch me.”  Miss Frank is creepy enough to make me take that in the worst possible way.

The next day Cora takes her to Mrs. Frank’s class.  The kids seem to be about 5 years younger than Ilse.  Miss Frank stands Ilse up in front of the class and says, “We are going to work on her until she is exactly like everyone else.”  Guess that’s why they call it German Corners.

Eventually the Germans roll into the country, as Germans were wont to do [1].  They are upset that the Wheelers sent her to school.  Cutting to Miss Frank’s class again we see they are right to be concerned — Miss Franks is continuing to badger Ilse to say her name. When Ilse comes back to the house, the Germans try to communicate telepathically with her. Her mind has been so corrupted by public school that it just sounds like gibberish to her.

tzmute06Ilse finally manages to speak, “My name is Ilse.”  Then again.  Then again. Then again.  Then again. And she breaks down in tears.  The tightly wound Cora has been on the edge of hysteria the whole episode and this sets her off.  She shrieks that she will not let Ilse go, that the girl needs her.

Sheriff Wheeler drives the Germans back to the Greyhünd Bus [2] station. They have decided to leave the girl in America.  Mrs. German says she is better off with people who love her, and not just as an experiment.

An entry from Richard Matheson is always going to be welcome.  The production had a couple of problems, though.  The main issue is the craziness of the women in this town. Mrs. Wheeler seems perpetually on the edge of madness.  She has the Patsy Ramsey crazy-eyes and is not shy about shrieking.

Miss Frank is equally unbalanced but is, at least, more low key.  There is also an oddly unexplored plot point that Miss Frank’s father had attempted to develop psychic abilities in her as a child.  This undermines the main plot by 1) making Ilse not quite so special, and 2) introducing a blatantly supernatural element into a largely secular story.

These two performances and a lousy score bring this episode down a notch.  The performance by Ann Jillian, and the concept were very good, but didn’t quite win the day.

Post-Post: 

  • [1] Ironically, Germany is now famous for other countries’ citizens rolling in.
  • [2] I don’t think an umlaut was required here, but it just makes it look more German and less typo-y.
  • The episode is a more faithful adaptation than some film novelizations.  Except the kid was a boy.  Except for that.
  • Ann Jillian went on to be a cutie in the ’80s.

Bad Language – Lost

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Sawyer’s con-man boss asks why he needs to borrow the seed money to finance his latest con.  After all, he has run some scams that he brought him some big scores.

The line as delivered makes no sense.  The point is to convey that he likes to spend money.  Surely, it was supposed to be “I like spending it as much as I like earning it.”  As part of “earning ” it was banging his victim’s wife, there is enjoyment in both sides of the transaction.

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Tales From the Crypt – House of Horror (10/27/93)

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tftchorrorhouse01I don’t really get the whole fraternity concept.  But then I’m not much of a joiner; also not much of a being-asked-to-joiner.  The episode starts off with almost-naked Wesley Crusher in just his tightie-whities scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush.

For anyone thinking of doing their own blog, let me offer this advice:  If you are viewing this episode at Panera Bread, sit with your screen facing a wall [1].  I also have to think Subway would be a little sensitive to this scene also after recent events.

We open at the frat house, populated as always on-screen by drunk bullies reading naughty magazines.  Kevin Dillon enters swinging a pledge-paddle — another tradition I don’t get.  Wesley, kneeling, addresses him as “Grand and Glorious Pledge-Master Wilton, Sir.”  Dillon helpfully points out the dog poop that he has just tracked in.  Before Wesley can get to work, Dillon tells him to kiss the bottom of his shoe.  The last pledge who refused was hazed to the point of having a nervous breakdown.

Polynesian Night?  What the hell kind of cultural appropriation is that?  Trigger warning!

Mona from Delta Omega Alpha drops by offering her new chapter to be a sister to the frat; although a sister you could totally do it with. She invites them over for dinner just to assure them it isn’t a “doghouse.”  That night, Wesley and 2 other pledges are blindfolded and taken to a haunted house.

Then some stuff happens, and the episode ends.  Its all perfectly fine and perfectly predictable.  The fake haunted house is really haunted.  Well, not exactly haunted, but there will be blood. The ending is a non-sequitur, not the ironic twist you hope for in a good TFTC.

The high point is Kevin Dillon who is excellent, really getting into the campy spirit of the series.  The rest of the cast covers the talent spectrum, but there are some brutal line-readings here.

I rate it a 1.5 out of π.

tftchorrorhouse04Post-Post:

  • [1] More Panera advice: try the Mediterranean Egg-White Breakfast Sandwich.  Holy crap!
  • Title Analysis:  I give it a pass assuming they were going for a “frat house of horror” reference.  But no great shakes.
  • Seems like a campy show like TFTC would have done more with the selection of the frat’s Greek letters.
  • But then, it took me a week to get Delta Omega Alpha’s acronym, so maybe I’m missing it.
  • There actually is a Gamma Delta Omega fraternity.
  • Based on 30 seconds of thinking back many years, it seems like some Greek letters are heavily favored over others.  I can understand not wanting to be identified as an Iota, but where are all the Mus, Rhos, Upsilons and Omicrons? Everybody can’t be an Alpha.  Just me, baby.
  • OK, Mu might be just asking for trouble for a sorority.

Tales of Tomorrow – What You Need (02/08/52)

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Peter Talley of this episode: 4.

Brought to us this week by CH Masland & Sons, makers of Masland Beautiblend Broadlooms.

Peter Talley has a shingle outside his shop which states, “I have what you need.”  On the window, it specifies Curios although surely they also sell  knick knacks, bric-a-brac and give a dog a bone.  Is it possible to have a 2-for-1 sale on bric-a-brac? [1]

Reporter Tom Carmichael stands outside; as a customer leaves he makes notes.  This being the old days, the reporter a) wears a trench-coat, and b) actually exerts a few calories and confronts the shopkeeper.  While he is there, a dapper old man comes in to pick up “what he needs.”  Maybe this is set in Detroit because, in his case, it is a pistol.  He hands the shopkeeper $5,000 which is what I need.

While we all might occasionally need a pistol once, Carmichael notes that he has seen people leaving with an egg, rubber gloves and a test tube.  Presumably not all for the same guy unless he works at an in vitro fertilization clinic.  Getting nowhere, Carmichael takes a different approach and says that he would like to be a customer. Talley does hand him what he needs and asks that he not return to the shop.

Turns out, what Carmichael needed was a pair of scissors.  He shows it to his thoroughly unlikable, unsupportive, unattractive and uncreditted [2] girlfriend.  I think I know what he needs the scissors for.  While he is nagging his publisher for an advance to pursue the story, his necktie gets caught in the printing press.  He really needs a pair of . . . wait a minute!  His publisher grabs the scissors and cuts him loose.  Of course, had he not gone into the shop and gotten the story, he would not have needed the scissors.

ttwhatyouneed04At the end of Act I, we get a commercial from CH Masland, makers of carpets and now hunting gear.  The announcer shows off their new fishing vest which he points out has many pockets suitable for fishing gear and cigarettes.  He also points out the many rings for keeping your hands free to handle fishing gear and cigarettes.

After the break, Carmichael comes back to the shop.  Talley says that he was a scientist with an interest in astrology; maybe the only one.  That led him to invent the machine which gives people “what they want” — when the orgasmatron didn’t take off, he invented the What-You-Need machine.

Carmichael is not happy to just be alive, he plans to blackmail Talley into sharing his secrets with him.  Talley sends Carmichael a pair of shoes which cause him to slip and be hit by a car.  Overcome by guilt, Talley smashes his machine — the one that he earlier said had been responsible for the invention of the polio vaccine [3].  Sorry, kids.

So while Carmichael really was an asshole and a member of the media, Talley was ready to destroy a machine that stood to save millions of lives via a polio vaccine and who knows what else.  Who do you root for in that stand-off?

ttwhatyouneed07Post-Post:

  • [1] Basically the same gag as George Carlin observing that if you break a crumb in half, you have 2 crumbs. Except his got a laugh.
  • [2] Despite having significant speaking parts, Talley’s wife and Carmichael’s girlfriend are not credited.
  • [3] This episode aired 3 years before the polio vaccine was invented.
  • Based on a short story by Henry Kuttner, and also the basis for an episode of The Twilight Zone.