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Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The $2,000,000 Defense (11/02/58)

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ahp20000005Lloyd Ashley (Leslie Nielsen) is on the witness stand being asked if he hired a private detective to snoop on his wife.  He believes his wife was having an affair with his investment adviser.

He is also asked if he went to the adviser’s house and confronted him with a .32 caliber pistol.  Ashley does not deny any of this, but claims he just meant to frighten him. Unfortunately, the man lunged at Ashley, he dropped the gun, and it discharged when it hit the floor.  The next witness is a ballistics expert who testifies that a gun dropped on the floor would not discharge.

During a recess, Ashley offers his attorney, Mark Robeson, half his net worth if he can get him off by any means.  That would amount to to the titular $2,000,000.  Robeson wisely asks for the offer to be put in writing.

Back in his office, Robeson loads a pistol and slams it down on his desk to see if it will go off.  It does not, leaving him to earn his $2,000,000 fee by shooting himself in the arm.  Now he can get the ballistics expert back on the stand and use himself as an example of how slamming a pistol down can make it go off.

ahp20000004He further makes his case by giving the expert the loaded pistol and asking him to slam it to the ground.  When the expert refuses, the case is won.  If the gun will fire, you must . . . If the gun will discharge, you must . . . if the gun will go off, you must . . . . oh hell, just acquit already.

Back at Robeson’s office, he and Robeson toast the acquittal.  For some reason that I can’t figure out, Robeson has blank checks on Ashley’s account handy in his desk.  The man he shot was his investment adviser, Robeson is just his lawyer.  Whatever, Ashley happily signs a $2,000,000 check.

He then takes Robeson’s pistol out of his desk drawer and accuses him of also having an affair with his wife — Christ, what a tramp.

The private investigator who uncovered the first affair also discovered Ashley’s wife having an affair with Robeson.  BANG.

ahp20000001Post-Post:

  • AHP Deathwatch:  No survivors.
  • 22 years before Leslie Nielsen starting going for laughs in Airplane!.
  • The ballistics expert also played the father of Dennis the Menace.  I must be getting old — the moms in these old series are starting to look pretty good to me.
  • Hulu sucks.

Twilight Zone S4 – No Time Like the Past (03/07/63)

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tznotime01Well, its obvious we’re watching another Serling script.  The opening four minutes of the episode consists of two men barely moving, and giving speeches rather than conversing. There are are, however, some cool sets.

After adjusting a few settings, talkative Harvey sends his long-winded friend Paul Driscoll back in time.  Driscoll’s first stop is 1945 Hiroshima where he — the only Caucasian in WWII Japan — has somehow managed to get a meeting with a high-ranking official after just 6 hours.  Sadly, he has demonstrated a Marty McFlyian grasp of timelines.  Rather than giving himself enough time to make a real difference, he now has only a few minutes to convince the official that Hiroshima is about to have the big burrito dropped on it.  Sadly, Driscoll’s warnings are not heeded and Hiroshima is indeed bombed, saving 200,000 allied lives that would have been lost in a land invasion.  Wait, I’m not seeing the problem here.

tznotime04Next, Driscoll is transported to 1939 WWII Germany, although apparently a bizarro-world where the Nazi flag spins in the opposite direction.  We are treated to some fabulous footage of noted bad-egg, Adolph Hitler. Driscoll unpacks a rifle and points it at Der Fuhrer ranting on a balcony. He expertly assembles the rifle, loads it, dispatches a hot maid, gets Schicklgruber in the cross-hairs, and I’m not sure what happens — the gun doesn’t jam, but the bullet doesn’t fire.  He ejects it and reloads, but the SS busts in. Again, he could have built in a little more time; maybe by killing baby Hitler, especially if he was crying in a theater.

Finally, Driscoll materializes on the Lusitania before it is to be torpedoed by the Krauts. Having not learned his lesson, he has only allowed himself 5 minutes to warn the Captain.  Sadly, he fails here also and returns to the time tunnel.

The professor tells him that the past is inviolate, rather than in sepia which everyone expects; it can’t be changed.  Driscoll decides to try another trip to the past.  This time, using the miraculous machine to travel back for good, to find a home in 19th century Indiana.

tznotime11Ending right here would have made a middling 30 minute episode. However, in the most blatant padding seen yet in the 4th season, this opening bears about as much relevance to the rest of the story as a Simpson’s couch gag.  But did the 2nd half pad out the 1st half, or vice versa?

We next see Driscoll walking down the street in 1881 which he describes as being a paradise, free of “atomic bombs and world wars.”  Although, he must be avoiding eye-contact with all the widowed women, fatherless children, and dudes with missing limbs from the Civil War, less than 20 years past.

He heads to a bar because, in 1881, it is happy hour all the time — $.05 beers.  He spots a newspaper that says President Garfield is coming there to give a speech.  He realizes that Garfield will be assassinated on that date, but opts to let history takes its course.  At the boarding house he is hot for schoolmarm Abigail Sloan and decides to let nature take its course.  Sadly, the owner tells hims she’s “a moral girl.  I mean real moral.”

tznotime09One night at dinner the other boarders are treated to more speeches.  Another resident pontificates about how America should plant its flag everywhere and bring civilization and freedom to the world with an army of a million men. Then he goes off on the Indians, wishing “we had 20 George Custers . . . as if you could actually make savages understand treaties.”

Driscoll is seething at the man’s ranting.  He finally responds, “I’m just some kind of sick idiot who’s seen too many young men die because of too many old men like you who fight their battles at dining room tables.”  Hard to argue with that, but then he continues on and on.  It’s a good speech, and makes valid points; it just lacks the natural cadence of a conversation.  Despite their opposing positions, Driscoll is no less of a dogmatic blowhard than the warmonger.

Driscoll walks out and Abigail follows him.  He kisses her, but President Garfield cockblocks him by being assassinated.  He tells Abigail that they can’t do this because it is wrong, especially with her.  Barring another Marty McFlyian imbroglio, I never could figure out his meaning.

Driscoll remembers a tragedy that will befall the town and Abigail.  While trying to prevent the tragedy, he actually causes it.  Distraught, he goes back to his own time. His lesson: You can’t do anything about the yesterdays, so change the tomorrows.

I really didn’t care for it the first time around.  Fortunately, I fell asleep and had to view it again.  There are several weaknesses: Serling’s speechifying, the feeling that this was two episodes jammed together, Dana Andrews’ monotone performance, the similarity to other episodes . . . where was I?  Oh, yeah, I disliked it less on a subsequent viewing; not a ringing endorsement, I know.

Tales from the Crypt – Half-Way Horrible (12/01/93)

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I only have a vague idea how TV works.  Actually, I have no idea how TV works.  I have a vague idea how TV production works, just based on assumptions and logic.  Surely, in the list of producers there is someone who does more than collect a check, someone who oversees the entire series — which seems critical for an anthology series.  That’s why it baffles me how TFTC can have such wild swings in tone.

The episode (after the odious Cryptkeeper) has a deadly somber opening, fittingly in a morgue.  No score or ambient sounds at all, just footsteps, a drawer being opened and a couple of guys talking.  The detective tells Clancy Brown that Dan King, the founder of his company, took 40 CCs of Exthion-B in the neck.  Exthion-B is a new preservative that big pharma is working on.  The detective says the stiff’s head won’t rot for 100 years.  In his pocket is a note, not in his handwriting, saying “I have not forgotten or forgiven.”

When asked if he has any enemies, Brown flashes back to six years earlier in the Amazon.  Things get a little livelier as we at least get some jungle sounds.  There is also a drum-beat in the background, though sadly not synced with the guys seen playing drums on-screen.  Brown pours their new experimental drug down the gullet of
an old savage man and seals him up in a crate.  He should be grateful, in a few years, people will be paying $tftchalfhorrible3750 a day to get that drug.

Back in the present, Brown arrives home to find the same “I have not forgotten or forgiven” spray-painted on his wall.  There is also a voodoo doll which has a red-devilish left side and a republican right side (well, blue suit and red tie, anyway).  So, really 100% evil in Hollywood terms.

The same detective comes over and again asks Brown if he has any enemies.  More reliable than LSD, this again induces a flashback.  While down in the Amazon, in order to secure the secret Exthion-B herb, he had to offer his employee Alex as a sacrifice to the natives.  Brown pours the drug down Alex’s gullet and buries him in a crate also.

Back in civilization, Clancy is being interviewed by original MTV VJ, the amazingly 80’s-coiffed Mark Goodman.  Clancy shows him some apples that were treated with Exthion-B 2 years ago and are still fresh and crispy.  Wood used in your home will never rot, your clothes will never fade.

tftchalfhorrible5Unfortunately, his assistant Colin tells him the FDA is holding up their approval of Exthion-B.  He also suggests that Brown check on his associate Kevin because if another employee ends up dead, it could hurt the business.  Brown goes to Kevin’s apartment and finds him dead with a syringe of Exthion-B still plunged in his neck.  And the same note pinned to his shirt.

Sadly, not even Exthion-B can preserve the style of the Members Only jacket Brown is wearing in this scene.

Brown goes back to the office and kills Colin.  Alex gives him a slow-clap.  Brown is stunned as Alex has been dead for 6 years.  He shows Brown that the hand-writing on the notes is the same as his own; but Brown doesn’t seem to remember writing the notes.  He decapitates zombie Alex.

So let me get this straight . . . Brown has been killing his co-workers and leaving a note that says “I have not forgotten or forgiven”?  OK, Brown is the one who murdered the old native and Alex, so what does that even mean?  Wait, you say, this is his evil side talking.  No, his evil side would be OK with the murders to make a profitable drug — this would have to be his good half talking.  But why would the good half commit murder?

tftchalfhorrible9The next day, Brown’s doctor recognizes the doll as a voodoo god that maintains the balance between mans good and evil halves. Desperate, Brown offers the doctor the profits from Exthion-B to remove his evil half.

The next day, we see Brown only in profile as he orders a syringe of Exthion-B to be brought to him. When he gets the syringe, he tells his secretary that he has beat the curse that Alex put on him. The doctor destroyed his evil half, the half the curse feeds on, so it became null and void.  His secretary turns on the light revealing Brown to be half-normal and half dead.  Brown lifts the syringe to his neck.

Really, I could not be less interested.  The flatness of the episode is mind-numbing.  No score except some occasional drums, obnoxiously 1980’s “style”, Clancy Brown in a suit, just nothing seems to work.

Post-Post:

  • Title Analysis:  Nah, too easy.  At least the “half” makes sense, but they botched the pun as usual.  Maybe something like “Not Half-Horrible” would have worked better as it plays off the established phrase “not half-bad.”  Except that he was half-way horrible.
  • Another first time and only time director.
  • Kudos on the art direction in the episode.  Whether they were authentic or not, the objets d’art were fabulous.  Also the curare d’art

Tales of Tomorrow – All the Time in the World (06/13/52)

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ttallthetime1Inside the generically-named Consolidated Enterprises, president Henry Judson is fanning himself with a newspaper which states NEW H-BOMB TEST TODAY.  It is a hot town, summer in the city, the back of his neck feels dirty and gritty.

A woman walks into his office, correctly sizing him up as a guy who will do anything for big money.  She offers Judson $100,000 to perform a job for her.  She hands him a list of things she wants him to steal — Cezanne, Picasso, Van Gogh.

Naturally, he thinks this is impossible.  She says that she can give him the means to pull off the job, which makes me wonder why she doesn’t just do it herself.  Keen-eyed observers will have noticed that the fan that Judson relied on has been stopped since the woman entered his office.  Also, the deafening noise from the street has turned to silence.

ttallthetime2She points out to him how quiet it has become.  He looks out the window and the world has stopped. This is how she will enable him to pull the heists.  She has a device which creates a 5 foot range where time is greatly speeded up.  The world outside the perimeter appears to be frozen.

She gives him a 2nd device for an accomplice, but says not to get within 5 feet of anyone or they will speed up too, and witness his theft.

That night Judson goes to see his friend Tony.  He offers him $5,000 to be his accomplice, as 5/95 seems fair.  Luckily for Tony, he also got a visit that day.  He is to go to the public library with his “shopping list.”  Tony pulls gun on Judson to steal his device.  Judson is too fast and turns his device on; then he is waaaay too fast and walks out as Tony is frozen.

He goes to his other friend Jack Warden.  He finds him in the bar and surprises him by freezing the bartender.  Together, they loot the museum of various paintings, books and objet d’art.  As they finish up, the woman reappears.

ttallthetime6They go back to Judson’s office.  He asks if he can keep the device, and the woman agrees.  She is from 1,000 years in the future and has come to save the art from the impending H-Bomb test which will destroy the world.  She says the bomb will go off in 1 minute.

He is caught in a great Catch-22. He can turn the device off and die in one minute with most of the rest of humanity.  Or he can leave it on and be trapped on a frozen earth alone, never being able to speak to anyone. He has plenty of time to make up his mind — all the titular time in the world.

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