A dame tells her shrink, “These days, the only way a girl can become a millionaire, if she doesn’t inherit the money, is to marry it.” Marry the money? She flashes back to her attempt to get those millions from “rich old coot” Wilbur Craig.
The plan seems off to a rocky start as we see Craig’s lawyer reading his titular will. He leaves $10,000 ($85k in 2018 dollars) to his housekeeper. The good news for Judy is that Craig does have a living relative, and he is young and unmarried. Thomas Craig is all smiles as he awaits the good news. The lawyer continues, Craig leaves the remaining $800k “to the one who has meant the most to me. One whose high spirits have heightened these last days, who was always there when I called, my ever faithful . . . Casper.”
Casper the Dog, that is. Thomas is stunned, but is assured that the will is legit. After being in denial for a few seconds, he smiles again. “But he will need a guardian!” Old man Craig planned for that. The guardian is to be his butler, Sam Loomis. What the heck? Sam Loomis was the guy Janet Leigh was banging in Psycho (released later that year). Could this be just coincidence?
The attorney assures Thomas that his uncle didn’t forget him. That’s the problem, Thomas says. He remembered everything Thomas did, and disapproved of it all. When Casper dies, the money will go to Thomas. “That’s nice, but I need it now.” He does a least get room and board at the mansion. And a shiny dollar.
Thomas goes to see his girlfriend Judy (the aforementioned dame). He tells her he inherited $1.00. He explains that he will get the full estate when the dog dies. Not only that, but Casper is only 2 years old. It could be 100 dog years before Thomas sees any money. Judy sees the solution clearly.
In no time, Thomas, who stands to make $800k from his death, takes Casper on a hunting trip — that butler is not much of a guardian. Out in the woods, Thomas lines Casper up in his site. Judy is waiting in the car because she can’t stand to see such cruelty inflicted on one of God’s creatures. But she is wearing a mink, so clearly she’s not a fanatic on the subject.
She hears a gunshot and thinks she’s rich. Then Casper comes running up to the car. Thomas shows up right after Casper. Turns out the shot was another hunter going Dick Cheney on Thomas. He says, “This place is full of trigger-happy hunters!”
Judy is immediately prepared with alternative plans. Thomas feels his almost being shot is karma for trying to kill the dog. He is appalled that Judy still wants to go through with it. She still has a scheme though, and thinks to herself, “Madame du Barry got what she wanted and not by telling Louie everything.” She also got her head chopped off, but I have a hunch Judy’s passing grade in history was from burying her face in something other than books.
Judy goes to private detective Vince Noonan. Even in the Big Book of Pulps, I don’t remember any PIs in the dog-killing business. He changes his mind when she offers him $1,000 ($8,500 in 2018 dollars). To get Noonan close to the dog, she introduces him as her cousin Vincent and asks if he could stay at the mansion a few days.
As Noonan is thinking of ways to kill the pooch lying at his feet, Loomis comes in with Casper’s dinner — filet mignon, just like every night. Noonan is stumped how to kill Casper and have it look like an accident until he spots a bottle of ant poison. He uses it to baste the filet mignon in the refrigerator. Unfortunately, Loomis innocently feeds it to him that night. There are still 5 more minutes to kill, though, so he does not die.
Judy chews Noonan out for being a waste of $1,000 so he agrees to take Casper on a little fishing trip like Fredo Corleone. Wearing a suit and tie, as you do, Noonan rows Casper out to the middle of the lake. He tells Casper, it isn’t personal, it is business. Wow, he is Fredo. Despite kind of getting to like the pooch, he picks up an oar, and we see his backswing which is really the most important part of an oar-killing. Both Noonan and Casper go missing.
After Loomis goes out looking for Casper, Vincent comes back to the mansion, followed by Casper. He says, “That dog saved my life. Anyone who wants to kill that dog will do it over my dead body!” Judy says he is fired, that she’ll do it herself. Thomas overhears this and is shocked. Judy tries to explain, but he just coldly stares at her. Thomas, Noonan and Casper all look down on this would-be dog-killing golddigger.
Back in the psychiatrist’s office, she reveals the one plan that could still make her rich. It is not to marry the psychiatrist, it is “To become a dog and marry Casper. Arf arf.” Yes, she actually barks. [1]
A fine little episode that seemed very slightly off. Even though I saw the mechanics on the screen, I never fully felt the two themes that seemed to be forefront: the two men falling for the dog, and the dog’s knack for escaping execution. There just seemed to be a lack of suspense and energy. Maybe it needed one more botched execution to make the pace a little more frantic. They could have lost the psychiatrist wrap-around which adds nothing to the episode.
The performances were mostly great. Dick van Dyke (Thomas) is fun in both the dialogue and physical bits. You kind of expect that from him, so the surprise to me was Paul Stewart (Noonan) who gave me some good laughs playing against his tough-guy persona. The script was also a winner with genuinely funny lines and situations. It is no surprise that the writers and director went on to work on many classic comedies such as The Odd Couple, Carol Burnett, and MASH. But also Diff’rent Strokes, so you never really know.
Other Stuff:
- AHP Deathwatch: DvD hanging in there at 93. Stella Stevens is 80. Red (Casper) would have been 385 in dog years.
- Stella Stevens went on to play Ernest Borg9’s ex-hooker wife in The Poseidon Adventure.
- [1] Yada yada doggie-style. Not worth a paragraph.