Monthly Archives: September 2019

Science Fiction Theatre – Jupitron (08/17/56)

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SFT continues championing our unsung institutes of higher education.  Today we are in “Science Hall” at “State University” home of the fighting Home.  We’re not here long though, so I don’t even know why I bought up.  Or why SFT did.  Flashback . . .

John and Nina Barlow are walking along the beach.  They find a nice spot and spread a blanket.  John, who is a doctor and probably never lets you forget it, begins mansplaining that the Moon does not shine, it merely reflects light from the sun.  Nina begins kissing him just to stop his lips from moving.

A minute later a fog begins rolling in which is just like The Fog — not scary.  John and Nina find themselves forced onto their backs, and they can’t move.  They awaken in a lab in a couple of La-Z-Boys.  They still can’t get up, but only because they are so darn comfortable.  Finally John crawls out of his chair, puzzled by how they got here, and if there might be snacks.

They discover they are locked in a windowless lab,  There are strange sounds and smells.  John really loses his shit when he repeatedly tries to break an Erlenmeyer Flask and it just won’t shatter.  When John starts fiddling with some equipment, a voice tells him to knock it off.  It asks if he is Dr. John Barlow, and if he is an instructor at the university where Dr. August Wykoff disappeared 10 years ago.  The voice tells him Wykoff is not dead. It is he who asked that John be brought here.

Wykoff courteously waits for the commercial to end before entering the room.  The Barlows quite reasonably ask where they are, why they were brought here, and if the La-Z-Boys are for sale or just display.  Wykoff turns on a screen which shows a photo in space.  He says, I doubt you’ll be able to see the university, but it is in this general direction.”  Since the photo shows both the earth and moon, John, the doctor, deduces that it was taken from space.  The next shot shows 5 moons, so John deduces they are on a moon of Jupiter.[1]

Wykoff criticizes their human-privilege in thinking they are the only intelligent species in the universe.  John asks what the inhabitants of this moon are like.  Wykoff says, “The beings of this moon are not animals, parasites, or plants like the people of the earth.”  While I agree humans can be all of those things, I’m shocked at the boldness of SFT in saying so.  The alternative is that this line was written by a moron, and I just can’t accept that. [2]

The inhabitants of this moon brought Wykoff here because because their natural resources of methane were dwindling.  They thought a great human scientist could devise a means to harvest more methane from underground or at least do PSAs on J-TV to convince their population to eat more beans.

In exchange for Wykoff’s help, now 10 years later, the moonies (would it have killed them to name the moon?) have a gift for humanity.  They are giving us the titular Jupitron.  John believes the biggest problem facing humanity is food supply.  Jupitron accelerates the maturation process from 30 days to 30 seconds, a 60,000X improvement.[3]  This could solve the world’s problems when used in produce, cattle, fish, millennials, and antifa members.

Oddy, he does a demonstration using a sweet potato.  Is anyone really in a hurry for sweet potatoes?  Ya kinda have 12 months warning when you’re going to need the next one.  But your family’s mileage may vary, I guess.

John wants to ask more questions about Jupitron, but makes the mistake of sitting back in the La-Z-Boy.  Before he can finish his sentence, the darn thing puts him to sleep.  He wakes up on the beach with Carol.  They both think it is a dream, but one of those dreams that 2 people can both have, I guess.

So, all of this was a flashback and now we see that John has used Jupitron to save the world!  Yea!  No, not really.  We just see the college dean suggesting that maybe electrons floating between their heads as they slept account for the shared dream.  No wonder they don’t want to name this college.  John discovers he has argon in his blood, so deduces it was not just a dream.  So he gets to work on Jupitron.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] Jupiter has 79 moons, but only 12 had been discovered as of this airing.  I’m not saying this is an error, I just thought it was interesting.
  • [2] The writer was actually very successful, so this is really baffling.
  • [3] I can’t make out exactly what he says, but he does say 60,000.  However, this increase would be 2 x 60 x 24 x 30 = 86,400 times.
  • Filmed in 10 hours according to the book.  What did they do the other 9.5 hours?

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Sybilla (12/06/60)

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This episode was adapted by a woman from a story by a woman, directed by a woman, and was maybe enjoyed by a woman somewhere.  I can’t say it was bad or that I didn’t like it, but for my manly-man tastes is seemed very mannered, and very soft, with no sharp edges.

Long time bachelor Horace Meade returns to his mansion with his new bride Sybilla.  He asks his butler to “take Mrs. Meade’s things up to her room.”  Hunh?  Horace gives her a tour of the mansion.  He points out the many antiques, and Sybilla asks if his mother picked them out.  He says, “Certainly not.  My mother had atrocious taste.”

Next up is the lovely dining room which Horace decorated.  Sybilla says “it is perfect.  Just like I imagined it.”  Horace says there is something she must tell her, but rather than being as articulate as usual, he fumbles his words.  She bails him out by saying she understands that he has been self-sufficient for a long time, so she will abide by his rules.  Yeah, I’m not sure that’s what he was struggling to say.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

He tells her his breakfast routine which is the exactly same every morning.  She says, “You must always tell me exactly what you prefer, my darling.  I don’t want to make any mistakes.  Never.”  Now that appeals to my manly-man taste.

His whole day is similarly regimented.  Lunch at exactly 1 pm, and dinner at exactly 8 pm.  Then the tour continues in his office.  Sybilla surprises him with a new oak desk that she had delivered as a wedding gift.  Horace does a fine job of appearing to like the desk, but also conveying that he is horrified by the gift, as pedestrian a waste of wood as his wife is.

Sybilla says, “I know how much you value your privacy.  I will never come in here to interfere or bother.  I promise you.”  She declines his offer of wine saying, “It’s late.  I think I’ll go up to my bedroom now.”  Horace must tell her it is at the end of the hall on the right, because his tour oddly seemed to be putting that particular room off as long as possible.  He says, “I happen to believe in separate rooms.  I hope you understand.”  Sybilla says, “Of course I do.  You must always tell me how you prefer everything.  I only want to please you.”  Wait, are they sure this was written by a women, because it is sure starting to sound like a man’s fantasy.

Horace grows to be amazed at how “gentle and agreeable” Sybilla always is.  Somehow this is suffocating to him.  He offers to set her up with an apartment in the city, and give her a generous allowance.  She says she is perfectly content living in the country with Horace.  “You are my life now.”  Somehow, this distresses him.

Finally, Horace can take this torture no more.  He decides he must murder Sybilla, and high time, too.  This does not go as planned and sets up a tension that exists for years until she dies of natural causes.  After she has died, Horace can finally admit to himself that he loved her.

So, there are some good twists here, but we do end up with a sappy conclusion.  As I said, the whole episode just feels “soft”.  Maybe the setting — I’m guessing the 1910s — account for the gentleness and perfect, clipped elocution by Horace.  Barbara Bel Geddes does an excellent job selling Sybilla’s obsequious, fawning dialogue without coming across as weak or submissive.  I question whether she should maybe have shown a slight edge so we more seriously questioned her motives.  But what do I know?  Nobody is hiring me to write or direct a TV show, and I’m a dude!

Other Stuff:

  • Hitchcock’s intros are always worth watching (unlike a certain keeper of crypts I could mention).  This one is a standout as we get a murder before the credits.

One Step Beyond – Twelve Hours to Live (02/17/59)

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It takes so little to entertain me.  John Newland opened the episode this week standing in the rain with an umbrella.  Never saw Rod Serling do that.  And it was real rain, or at least real fake rain.  Not the usual screen of drizzle between the camera and the actor where he miraculously doesn’t get a drop on him.  Like the glimpse of the French Street in the previous episode, the little things in this series really ground it for me.

It’s a good thing this started out on a pleasant note.  We are immediately introduced to Will and Carol Jansen who are just as repulsive as Larry and Angie from last week’s AHP.  Will accuses his wife of purposely wearing a low-cut dress and flirting with the other men at the party.  Carol accuses him of . . . well, I’m not sure what he did wrong, but I’m sure it was bad because she is pissed.  Oddly, the final straw is when he insults the awful hat she wearing.  Seriously, that brings her to tears.

The bickering continues when they get home.  Carol starts in on him about not being a good lawyer and not making enough money.  He then berates her for . . . well actually he doesn’t do anything.  He calmly pays the babysitter.  Eventually Carol literally smacks him because he monstrously . . . well, was just there mostly.  I don’t think her character is intended to be a shrew; I think we are supposed to see them as equally at fault.  But as a man it is hard for me not to get a feeling of irrationality, a feeling of emotion, a feeling of deja vu.  Will has had enough and walks out of the house.

He drives aimlessly through a laughably spotty rain storm, and finally stops at the edge of a cliff.  He angily talks to himself, mocking his wife’s words, such as when she accused him of being a lousy lawyer.  Seeing her dopey hat on the seat just makes him angrier.  He rolls down the car window using some sort of hand-powered crank mechanism — WTF? — and tosses it out into the rain.  I hope some innocent child doesn’t find that and put it on.

We get a nice shot of the cliff he is on beginning to crumble.  Of course, it is a model, but it is quick and effective — this John Newland has a future in the business.[1]  Will begins to chide himself for getting mad at Carol.  He is all ready to drive back and slip into the bed beside her.  I literally mean the bed by her side — in 1950’s TV fashion, they have separate twin beds.  The cliff begins to completely give way and Will’s car topples off the edge.  As the car falls, Will screams Carol’s name but his last thoughts were probably “I should have nailed the babysitterrrrrr”.[2]

He is thrown from the car and pinned beneath it.  As he screams for help, back at the house, Carol can sense he is in danger.  Not only is his leg pinned under the car, but it is pouring rain, and he could drown in a puddle.  Even Ted Kennedy couldn’t have run away from this waterlogged wreck.

Carol sensed his life was in danger, but that didn’t stop her from turning out the light and going to sleep.  At the same time, he was passing out from the pain as the rain continued soaking him.  The next morning, Carol sees that Will didn’t come home, and is visibly angry about it.  He regains consciousness and calls Carol’s name.  Again, she thinks she hears his voice at the house and actually starts to get concerned.   BTW, it is still pouring rain.

Carol continues hearing his voice, and begins receiving sensations from him such as bumping his noggin, or hearing a plane overhead.  Carol begins to think the worst — that she might have to find another man who would put up with her shit.  She lays on Will’s bed in despair and hears him calling again.  She is now very concerned for his safety.

Carol goes to the police to report Will missing.  Of course, under TV-Law the police won’t do anything for 24 hours.  She senses a sign that Will sees that says “Landmark”.  The detective drives her to Landmark Cafe.  Turns out it has been closed for a while.  On the way back to the station, Carol again receives a broadcast from Will.  She jumps out of the car and runs to the side of the cliff.  She finds her hat, and decides she might as well also look for Will while she’s there.

They spot Will and his car at the bottom of the cliff.  Carol and the detective do some cool minor stunt work sliding down to the bottom.  Carol takes him in her arms, and the detective calls for back-up.

There was a lot to really like here, but some weaknesses that make it one of the worst episodes so far.  On, the plus side, there were some great locations and models, there were some clever callbacks in the writing, and I still dig that rain.

The general criticism is that some OSB episodes are just a straight line from beginning to end.  No matter how well done some elements might be, you see the ending coming from far far away.  That’s not necessarily bad, but it is hard to achieve greatness when stories are so predictable.  This episode in particular did not work for me because both Will and Carol were poorly cast.[3]  Watch almost any episode from this era (Science Fiction Theatre or Alfred Hitchcock, for example) and you will see an actor you think would have been a better Will.  To be fair, Carol wasn’t as bad as I made her out, and Will was not faultless.  However, the scales were not balanced and the lack of chemistry between them forced me on to Team Will out of solidarity.  I did not even mention their daughter who horribly shouted her lines.

One minor issue:  Carol describes the strange events to someone on the phone, “You know how I always felt I knew Will was thinking?”  This is so wrong for the story and the theme of the show.  Her telepathic connection from Will should have been a one-time thing brought on by the danger to his life.

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  Indeed, he seemed to work on every iconic drama of the 1960s.  But why do I see so many directors with, for example, one Man from Uncle, one Star Trek, one Naked City, etc?  If he did a good job, why would he not be back?  If he was a hack, surely word would spread and he would not get so much work.
  • [2]  No, this was no underage girl.  In fact she was born only 31 years after the Civil War.  Ya know, forget I said anything.
  • [3]  Both had huge careers, so it must have been the casting.
  • Title Analysis:  Why 12 hours?

 

Tales from the Crypt – Horror in the Night (05/24/96)

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Nick and T go to Starr’s jewelry store.  But it’s not a legitimate business — the storefront is a facade.  Heeyyyooooo!

Apparently, mobster Starr has hired these two goons to rob him so he can collect the insurance money.  They watch as the middle-aged Mr. Starr locks the shop and drives off. Nick has the great idea that they should keep the jewels and “do the same thing Starr is doing.”   T reminds him nobody steals from the evil Declan Starr and gets away with it.  Wait, Nick’s plan is to steal from a gangland kingpin and pull the same ruse?

  • So lease a space, requiring a huge deposit?
  • Purchase expensive showcases.
  • Open a store which will have only a few pieces of merchandise?  Or will they purchase $$$ of other inventory to appear legit?
  • Advertise said merchandise, alerting Starr to exactly where he can find the exact pieces stolen from him?
  • Secure insurance despite having no identities, references, bank accounts, or business license?
  • Then hire two other goons to rob them?
  • Wouldn’t it be easier just to fence the jewels?

I guess I just don’t have a criminal mind. [1]  They bust the lock and enter the store.  The camera, like the viewer, is not interested enough to follow them inside.  Things pick up when we hear two gunshots.  Sadly, both men emerge unhurt.  Wait a minute, what were the shots?  This was just a ruse.  Anyway, things do pick up when T accuses Nick of planning to double-cross him, and shoots down him in the street.  T picks up the jewels and heads for the getaway car.  However, Nick is not quite dead and shoots T.  Viewers cheering this happy ending and heading for the fridge should note that we are only 4 minutes into the episode.

I guess Nick was wearing a flak jacket because he tells T the same thing girls always tell me: “Next time, aim lower!”  Nick gets in the getaway car and gets away.  But wait, T must have also had a flak jacket on because he jumps up and fires several shots at the car as it peels out.  Remember, kids — double-tap!  Did we learn nothing from John Wick?

T must have hit something vital; on the car, I mean.  The car breaks down in front of an old hotel.  Nick checks in and notes the clerk looks familiar.  He takes the seedy elevator to the seedy second floor and goes into his seedy room.

He realizes the bullet did do some damage after all and calls Fixer, who I assume is like Mr. Wolf in Pulp Fiction.  Fixer claims to not know him and then the phone number doesn’t work at all.  Nick goes downstairs, but the clerk is not at his post.  Then something totally unexpected happened — I got interested.

Nick meets a woman in the lobby and that begins a series of interesting scenes that are blood-soaked or just plain weird.  Everything seems to come together at that point.  It even retroactively increased my appreciation of the first few minutes.  I enjoyed some of it so much that I won’t spoil it.

Unfortunately, the story doesn’t seem to make sense or even play fair.  The reasonable assumption any horror fan would make is that Nick is dead the whole time.  Some of the dialogue between him and the clerk or the woman also cleverly suggests that.

However, at the end, we can see that Nick is alive until the last seconds of the episode.  OK, maybe this craziness was fever-dreams from his wound.  But the woman really is dead, so where does that leave us?  Not only that, she somehow made a phone call to Mr. Starr in the land of the living.  There also the chap in the lift pictured above — we can guess who he might be, but no clues are given.  I suppose all this could be artfully explained away, but they seem like loose ends.

However this is a story that started out boring me, then soon won me over with good dialogue, fun visuals, and a couple of fine performances.  It’s hard not to be happy with that.  OK, maybe  little — the episode is utterly humorless.  And I understand the irony of that coming from me.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] To be fair, Nick does say he has a Plan B:  “We keep the jewels.  Mr. Starr gets something . . . we get something.”  I assume he means that Mr. Starr gets the insurance proceeds.  So Nick thinks Mr. Starr will be amenable to them stealing the diamonds, and him being out the amount of the deductible and the original loot?  I think even his dopey Plan A is better than that.
  • Upon further reflection, I had never considered that the whole stock of a jewelry store might fit into a briefcase.
  • When we get a look at the loot, it all seems to be not jewelry, but uncut diamonds the size of the ice cubes in my dinner.

Outer Limits – Stranded (07/30/99)

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Well, you can’t please everyone.  The 2 Reviews at IMDb:

  1. Definitely Worth Watching, a Low Rated Gem
  2. The Usual High School Junk

I kinda get both of them except for the first one.  Kevin is constantly shoved into the background by his parents, and into a locker by his classmates.  His father, especially, is clearly more proud of his older brother Josh.  At least his dog likes him; when he needs to shit, anyway.

Huge props for the huge prop.

While out one day, they see a fiery object streak through the atmosphere and land in the woods.  Kevin finds the object, a wrecked spacecraft [1], and climbs inside.  Kevin finds an injured man inside.  He is revealed as a monstrous ogre as when Kevin isn’t looking — he picks his nose; also morphs briefly into a hideous alien and back.

Kevin stuffs some suspiciously puke-green, flesh-colored material into the man’s wound.  The keeper here is the man tilts his head back trying not to howl in pain.  As we see into his gaping maw, it is impressive that the alien has accurately assumed the form of a human right down to the cavities in his teeth.  Or else this actor has never heard of a toothbrush.  Seriously, this guy has lead slugs in just about every tooth.

The next day, after being bullied at school as usual, Kevin goes back to see the man.  After he guides Kevin through an operation to seal his wound, he gives him a patch that gives him super strength.  Although, since it is applied to the back of the hand, I think the monkey should go unspanked tonight.

Of course, the next bully that taunts him gets a concussion.  The episode is a conundrum.  A single guy wrote the teleplay which has some interesting dialogue.  But the story, which is mostly by-the-numbers, is credited to 3 guys.  I don’t see a lot of originality or creativity here.  What was the point of three contributors?  The one guy seemed to be on the J-O-B.

It’s not bad.  It just feels familiar.  Kevin is well-cast, maybe too well-cast as the proto-typical nerd.  It is inevitable that the alien will play on Kevin’s desire of an approving father figure.