Tales From the Crypt – Maniac at Large (08/19/92)

tftcmaniacatlarge03You can’t get a title more promising than that, but sadly the episode does not meet expectations; and I would argue only the word “at” is accurate.

Some gangstas are hanging out at the library, as gangstas are wont to do, terrorizing an old man and stealing his newspaper after jabbing a knife through it.  To be fair, there was a Nike coupon on the back.

Librarian Pritchard bravely confronts them and has security man Grady escort them out. After all, everyone knows public libraries are for smelly homeless people to hang out in, not gangstas.

This is witnessed by the meek new librarian Margaret who is given the task of cleaning up the gangsta’s vandalism.  Beneath the newspaper, she finds that one of the little angels left a switchblade which she slips into her pocket.  No one sees her except 1980’s singing star Adam Ant, who is no goody two shoes.

tftcmaniacatlarge04Despite there being a Maniac at Large as both the newspaper headline and episode title informs us, Pritchard has scheduled a late night inventory count.  Actually, Pritchard is treated about as if she were an ogre of a boss, but she seems pretty reasonable to me, so maybe I’m the ogre.

Adam Ant give Margaret a scare as he is hanging around past closing time.  He wants to checkout a reference book, but Margaret tells him it must stay.  He ominously says that if the police read this book, they might be able to catch the killer. Plus he’s British!  Just like a certain “the Ripper” I recall, hmmmmm?  He predicts the next victim will be a woman.  And speculates that the killer is set off by fear of living in the city.

tftcmaniacatlarge06Pritchard give Margaret some items to take to the basement where she sees the shadow of a knife repeatedly stabbing someone or something.  She runs upstairs to have Grady take a look.  He goes down but finds nothing.

She tells Pritchard who just happens to be talking to a police detective.  In the basement, they find an art book of nekkid ladies that has been slashed up.  The detective says he could pick up the ganagstas but “probably couldn’t make the charge stick”; unlike the pages in the book of nekkid ladies. Still no idea who it was as the gangstas were long gone, and Grady and Pritchard were upstairs.

tftcmaniacatlarge07Serial killer buff Adam Ant is trotted out again with some scary talk.  After he leaves, Margaret sees the newspaper headline again and starts to freak out.  A man with a deformed face bangs on the door menacingly, but Pritchard later explains he is a regular, just trying to return a book. And this guy was trying to return the hell out of it, banging on the door, waving the book, pressing his face to the window.  Perhaps he as unaware of the Book Drop earlier observed behind Grady’s desk.

Pritchard invites Margaret upstairs for a chat.  In Pritchard’s office, Margaret accuses her of killing Grady, and accuses her of “wanting to kill me.”  Pritchard tries to calm her down, but Margaret grabs the switchblade left behind by both the gangstas and the detective and plunges it repeatedly into her boss.  Echoing Adam Ant’s prediction, she rants “I knew you were after me, just like all the others!  But I’m not afraid anymore!  I showed you!”

tftcmaniacatlarge08Grady picks that moment to show up again and sees Pritchard stabbed to death.  Margaret is staring out the window, and says “I guess I’ll have to resign, but I liked it here.”  On the bright side, there is a higher position available for her promotion; stabbed to death being the only way to vacate a civil service position.

She wistfully continues that “the city makes me nervous.  So much crime.  I don’t like being afraid all the time.”  While she is giving the monologue, there is no indication what Grady is doing.

A guy with John Frankenheimer’s resume knows what he’s doing, but there were problems here.  Grady’s disappearance in the final scene, for example.  Blythe Danner did a fine job, but wasn’t really used well.  I’m an old fashioned guy — she was really hot back then, but we barely got a clear well-lit shot of her smiling and looking pretty.

Pritchard was regarded as a bitch, but really was just trying to run the library efficiently, and was pretty conscientious for a civil servant; I never considered her a suspect.  And who was doing that stabbing in the basement?  I suspect it was just a paranoid delusion by Margaret, but being the only such hallucination gave it too much credibility.

However, the set was great.  Maybe not a great library, but a great set — I really liked all the stairs, and levels, and railings.  And the performances were all good.  Adam Ant was over the top, but that is de rigueur in a good TFTC episode.  Blythe Danner just seemed beautiful and classy as always. Even while murdering her boss, she seemed classier and more relatable than her daughter Gwyneth Paltrow.

Post-Post:

  • Title Analysis: I didn’t consider Margaret to be a “maniac” in the classic raging asylum dweller sense.  And she wasn’t “at large” — she was at work in the library for the whole episode.  Technically, I guess it was true, but not as brutal as I had expected.
  • Almost 20 years earlier, Grady (Clarence Williams III) was in a show whose concept still amuses me.  It was a serious police show where 3 hippies worked under cover (or am I thinking of 21 Jump Street?).  The best part is the cool name the 50 year old suits with long sideburns at the network gave it to really reel in the teens:  The Mod Squad.  Of course, the Porno-Industrial-Complex did the obvious and released The Bod Squad.
  • Or maybe not.  I could swear I remember seeing it on a drive-in marquee, but I can find no evidence of it,  I don’t think I’m confusing with this one.
  • The third of Mae Wood’s lifetime screenwriting credits, all on this show.
  • The classy beautiful Blythe Danner:  I’d like to book her . . . no, that doesn’t work. I’d like to make her decimal system dewy. . . no, too disrespectful.  I got nothing, but then I’m writing this in a craft brewhouse within walking distance of my front door, so I’m lucky to be forming complete. Sentences.

After Dark (2015)

Very generic start as a couple of “teenagers” drive into the woods to start making out. The guy is wearing his hat backwards and has an earring, so I am immediately hoping to protect the gene-pool with his death.  Holy shit, do I spectacularly get my wish; sadly, some good genetic stock is lost as the girl is no luckier.  However, it was a very effective opening for a movie I just picked because of the cover.

A foursome of young guys swing by to pick up three girls.  When things get tight, one of the rocket scientists suggests taking out the spare tire so everyone will fit.  Surely nothing will become of that.

They miss their turn because one of the guys, Chase (and really, has there ever been a good guy in the movies named Chase?)[1], is being an asshole, and they mistakenly turn a down a deserted road.  Still being a prick, Chase thinks it would be funny to chuck a beer can at a big guy ambling down the dirt road.  It is quite a hoot until the road ends and their tires get caught in some barbed wire.  If only there were some type of tire invented for such occasions.

Image 014The guy, Hector, who could be Danny Trejo’s less attractive hermano, turns out to be a pretty good sport about it, but it is clear they better not pull any shit like that again.  The seventh wheel, Jake, volunteers to walk back to civilization to get help.  Hector suggests they build a fire, so the group actually does something useful for a once.

The guys start telling jokes, but Hector gets very serious and says he has a story.  It is about some teenagers who went up to Diamond Mountain . . . but they were not alone.  A crazy guy came to their camp and killed them one by one.  Everyone freaks out at this knee-slapper because he is one scary dude — although, with lovely teeth.  Seriously, in contrast to long stringy hair, tattoos, ratty facial hair, a wife beater and really bad skin — his teeth are effervescent!  Probably paid for in prison with tax-dollars.

Image 009Chase throws his girlfriend over his shoulder, literally, and the go off into the woods to have the sex.  When he doesn’t have a condom on him (literally or figuratively), Amy sends him back to get one.  Still being an unbelievable asshole, he thinks it would be funny for DeVaughn to go back and scare her instead as she is laying there half naked.  And it is pretty funny — until they’re both murdered.  Sadly, it couldn’t have been Chase, but DeVaughn was black so he had to go first according to the rules of horror movies.

Image 020After searching 5 minutes for Amy and DeVaughn, the remaining group decides to all walk back to town.  After they find Amy’s severed hand, they decide to run back to town.  Or at least try driving it with a flat tire.

After they climb into the SUV, they conveniently find a newspaper that no one had seen when this one vehicle was crammed with 7 people, and the full page story with a color picture was sitting right there.  They learn that Hector is an escaped murderer who had been sent to prison by Crystal’s father.  Coincidentally, after sitting on his ass all day enjoying his budget-busting pension, Crystal’s retired father finally gets around to reading the morning paper at about the same time.  He alerts the currently active, future financial burdens on society in uniform and joins them in a search.

Image 005The group find Jake’s flashlight and we get a flashback of his death.  Finally, for the love of god, Chase gets an arrow shot through him.

Bree, Crystal and Will start to run, but Crystal and Will only have to be faster than Bree as she gets her throat cut.  Then Crystal only has to be faster than Will, as I naturally root for the girl.  They find a home surrounded by several cargo containers.  Then they find themselves surrounded by one container as they are tied to a table inside of one of them.

Their assailant, who we have long ago figured out is not Hector taunts them, running a huge knife across their throats as they scream for mercy.  But the heart wants what it wants, and not-Hector pulls down Will’s pants.  What follow is too gross to describe (unless my word count is running short, of course).

Image 015Hector bursts in to save the day; well, at least Crystal.  He whoops ass on non-Hector, not entirely successfully, until Crystal has a chance to put that knife in his back.  Hector tells her that the story he told in camp was about his sons being murdered by this crazy family in the mountains.  He was convicted for the murders of his sons, but busted out of prison after 5 years to take his revenge.

Some have complained that it was too slow, but I found it to be a solid ride.  The sole exception being the character of Chase — why does every horror movie have to have at least one character that is such an unbelievable asshole that no one would want to associate with him (and why do hot chicks always flock to them (of course, that is based on reality so I really can’t complain))?

Image 026Overall, it looked great.  It was well cast and the performances were good, although it took the girls a little while to settle into their roles, I thought.  Were there cliches?  Yes, to the tune of aplenty.  But I don’t deduct points for that.

Time well spent.

Post- Post:

  • [1] I did think of Chase Edmunds in Season 3 of 24 — a good guy who even shared a fate with Amy.  Although he lived to scream about it.
  • Title Analysis — How is it that such a natural title has not been used before?  Ever, as far as I can see.  It’s like The Eagles — I can understand Toad the Wet Sprocket being available, but how had no big act ever been called The Eagles?

Thriller – The Cheaters (12/27/60)

tcheaters01I always considered Robert Bloch’s screenplay to Psycho to be about as perfect as you can get — well-paced, quotable, manipulative, funny, scary.  I guess it should be no surprise that 3 of these first 5 episodes of Thriller — Fan Favorites — have been written by him or adapted from his work.  I would like to read more of his work, but sorry Amazon, I’m not shelling out $18 for a paperback of his best.

A not particularly useful prologue (hey, who wrote this rubbish!)[1] shows us a very crabby Dr. Van Prinn inventing a new type of spectacles.  When he tries them on, he looks in a mirror and screams in horror much as I do at Eye-Glass World.  They’re just glasses — they aren’t going to make me look like George Clooney.

Van Prinn is so distraught at what he sees (but we do not) that he screams in horror. Host Boris Karloff informs us that he hanged himself before dawn.  Rather than destroy the damnable specs so no one else suffers his fate — won’t someone please think of the children! — he apparently tucks them away in a desk drawer where they remain for 200 years.

Act II

tcheaters02Maggie and Joe live in a modest home (better than the Kramdens’ apartment, maybe more like Norton’s — which always sounded a little nicer, but I’m not sure was ever seen).  Maggie is just the kind of nagging shrew that we usually get from Alfred Hitchcock.  She is berating poor junkman Joe about bidding $100 on a blind lot from an abandoned building.  She is really a harridan, continuing to insult him as his young, single, handsome, athletic employee Harry enters the apartment.

They find nothing but disintegrating books, a lot of cobwebs, and broken furniture. Charlie mocks Joe just as his wife did and leaves thinking they have been had; but Joe finds the glasses which have been hidden away for 200 years.  He has been having trouble seeing, so these are the titular “cheaters” in the optical sense of the word.

When Joe gets home, Maggie is as dolled up as she can get.  She apologizes for being so rotten and selfish that morning.  When he puts on the titular cheaters, though, he can hear the truth from Maggie and see her “true” face — she plans to kill him. Charlie comes over to the house and Joe, through the specs, can see their unexpressed thoughts.  A gas company wants to buy their property for big bucks (because where better to drill than in a residential neighborhood (well (no pun intended), this was in the days before the EPA was created by Richard Nixon (that’s right, Richard freakin’ Nixon!)).  Not only that, Charlie and Maggie are planning to kill him — which explains Charlie’s interest in this 20-year older . . . I’m running out of synonyms that don’t stat with C.[2]

Joe brutally takes a tire iron to Maggie and Charlie.  A policemen overhears the disturbance and runs into the house.  Joe looks at the glasses and yells, “the cheaters, the cheaters!” adding a nice double-meaning to the title.  He raises the tire iron to pulverize the spectacles, but is gunned down like Michael Brown — except he was going for the glasses and not for the cop’s gun; or to attack him physically; or to rob a convenience store; or to assault a clerk.  Otherwise, pretty similar.

Act III

tcheaters03The story cleverly maintains continuity by having the glasses show up in an estate sale to get rid of the contents of Maggie and Joe’s home.  They are purchased by an old woman who can see that her children are planning to murder her.  She sees through the specs that the trustee of her husband’s estate is in on the murder plot so she jams a gigantic hatpin into his heart.  That hat must have been the size of Turd Ferguson’s.

Act IV

tcheaters04A year later, at a costume party, her son is mocked for lacking spectacles to complete his Ben Franklin get-up. Once his wife provides the specs, he finds he can hear his guests’ thoughts about the cards they are holding.  When he accuses another player of cheating, it gets turned around so he appears to be guilty. There is a fight and Thomas Jefferson clubs him in the head, accidentally killing him.  Cleverly, another twist on the word “cheater.”

Act V

tcheaters05Sebastian Grimm, one of the players at the game, takes the specs, suspecting that they have some special property.  He is writing a book about the glasses and goes to the old Van Prinn place, abandoned for decades.  He wants to know why Van Prinn hanged himself.  His wife begs him to not go upstairs, to go home with her.

He goes up, puts on the cheaters and looks in the mirror just like Van Prinn.  Grimm sees a hideous reflection, for reasons I am not clear on.  Did he do something that I missed?  Was it the hubris to think he could look within his own soul?  Was he seeing the evil that is in all humans?.  He screams in horror and claws at his face until it is bloody.

On the plus side, he does stomp on the glasses and put and end to their trail of carnage.  So there should be some redemption for that.

Great episode.

Post-Post:

  • [1]In retrospect, the prologue was an integral part of the story.  But am I going to start rewriting at 1 am?  Well, for that matter, is there any evidence that I ever do?
  • [2] Ya kinda need to know the yacht is name The Seaward.  Thanks for mangling one of the best jokes of the series.  And screwing up the aspect ratio.
  • Etymology Corner:  I’ve been using “for that matter” a lot lately — kind of a weird phrase.  I recently bookmarked an article on “believe you me” that I will actually read some day.
  • For all my praise of Robert Bloch, he did write 3 of my least favorite episodes of Star Trek.  On the other hand, dude wrote 3 MFing episodes of Star Trek!
  • Title Analysis:  Finally, I can give an A.  The multiple meanings and continuity were beautiful.

The Ouija Experiment (2011)

Image 002Brandon and Shay are in the car going to Dallas.  They are excitedly going to Michael’s place for some awesome unannounced event; that’s Michael who is the friend of Shay’s “hot boyfriend Calvin.”

The confusion starts from the first second.  Why are Shay and Brandon traveling together when she is Calvin’s girlfriend?

Michael is not happy having a camera in his face in his home, so the the screen goes black.  In this case, once you go black, you do go back as Michael has the camera back in his face 2 seconds later.  He reveals that the big event for the night is playing with a Ouija Board, having lost some of the pieces to Chutes & Ladders..

This gets both Michael and Brandon giddy as 12 year old girls.  Michael wants the camera off because “ghosts never come out when there are cameras”.  That must be why Ghost Image 005Hunters has lasted 9 seasons without one solid piece of evidence.  I wish I had some good news for the producers of Finding Bigfoot; after 5 years they haven’t figured out that sasquatches are similarly camera-shy.

They gather around the table, but nothing seems to be happening.  Then the pointer[1] starts moving in response to their questions.  A great stylistic opportunity was missed in showing the letters exposed by the pointer.  It is hard to follow, and makes a grating wood-on-wood sound as it moves.  Combine this with a not-particularly likable bunch of immature adults, and this is not an auspicious beginning.

Just when the movie does something right, it blows it.  Shay is filming for no particular reason — it seems she and Calvin’s sister live together (no, I don’t think they do, but that is more confusion), but they’re together at bedtime some reason other than what you might hope. There are actually a couple of good scares as the camera pans across items that definitely shouldn’t be there.  The third one is Lynette wearing some facial cream — a pretty good gag.  She doesn’t believe Shay saw anything supernatural.  WELL, THERE IS A CAMERA STILL IN HER HAND!  TAKE A LOOK!  But no, they just go to bed.  Or maybe Shay goes home — who the hell knows.

Lynette has a good scene with the camera at her house.  Calvin, who I think is supposed to be the comic relief, has his own experience which does not turn out well for him.  Then Michael has his own experience.  Finally, he shows his tape to the others.  All of the weird stuff is gone.

Image 010Strangely for a first-person hand-held movie, there is a flashback.  We learn the backstory — I can’t call it a twist — and it is underwhelming.  The concept could have worked, but the film is just so tedious by this point, and the flashback filmed in such desaturated color, and the performances so off that it is impossible to care.

There is more confusion about birth-dates that seems to lead to nothing.  And who kept that scrapbook?  Everyone was dead.

The film ends back in hand-held mode with a potentially clever twist that is not quite pulled off.  In part, I blame myself for never being able to tell Brandon and Michael apart.  The cast was very diverse, but I must say, with those 2 white guys, I was lost.  Maybe because you only ever saw one at a time as the other was handling the camera.  And where did all those f***ing cameras come from?  Suddenly everyone had one.

Image 001I’m willing to say I might have missed something that explains the above problems.  After all, it is based on true events.  But the fact that the film didn’t hold my attention strongly enough to see the answers reveals a bigger problem.  O possibly, it was just the porn playing in the picture -in-picture.

Post-Post:

  • [1]What they call a pointer is actually called a planchette by the Ouija Industrial Complex.
  • The movie is called The Ouija Experiment, they call the board a Ouija Board, but the board onscreen is not an official trademarked Ouija Board.
  • Supposedly filmed on a $1,200 budget.
  • Inexplicably there is a sequel in the works.

Ray Bradbury Theater – The Anthem Sprinters (08/21/92)

Image 001This one is 3rd from the bottom on the always-suspect IMDb ratings. Tyrannosaurus Rex had its moments (grading on the RBT scale, of course), and Exorcism was almost, but not completely, without merit. This episode though . . .

Several previous episodes have been curiosities because they were made by directors with no other credits. This episode is unique in that the director does not even have this credit to his name.  No director is credited, not even Alan Smithee.

American writer Douglas (no first name, just like the director) is browsing through an Irish used bookstore.  “Douglas is the name and writer I am,” he says to himself. Sounds kind of Yoda-like — maybe George Lucas directed it.  Naw, shame never caused him to remove his name from the credits.

Image 002He stumbles across a 1916 first edition of Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce.  He is pretty careless with the book considering it goes for about £20,000 these days.  He is reading it as he leaves the store, running into a local drunk (just an assumption on my part).

The drunk — Doone — drags Douglas to a pub which he describes as a theater.  It also happens to be across the street from a real theater — a real old theater as it is showing a Deanna Durbin joint.

Douglas says that he has noticed in theaters that the movie is always followed by a playing of the Irish National Anthem.  He also noticed that it is a race to get out of the theater between the end of the film and the beginning of the anthem by certain goofballs known as Anthem Sprinters.

Image 008A race is set up with some pretty steep stakes — the James Joyce 1st edition vs a Program signed by Sean O’Casey.  Douglas foolishly bets on the dark horse, who does not emerge from the theater.  They find him still in his seat with a tear in his eye for the songs in the movie.

The race is restaged, but this time none of the old drunks move as they are in tears at the anthem.

I don’t get it at all.  Is it some sort of commentary on English / Irish relations?

Post-Post:

  • Doone was memorable playing a monk on an episode of The Odd Couple 21 years earlier.  However, I’ll forget this role before dinner.