Monthly Archives: January 2015

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Heart of Gold (S3E4)

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They are entirely superfluous, but there is a reason I watch the intros for Alfred Hitchcock but not the intros for Tales from the Crypt.

Parolee Jackie Blake arrives at the Collins house, fresh out of Jail.  Alex Collins had asked him to check on his mother and brother.  Ralph Collins — a major gin-swilling, t-shirted meathead — doesn’t seem too excited to see him, but Mrs. Collins warmly invites him in.

While chowing down on Mrs. Collins’ meatloaf, he says he didn’t know anything about his crime — he was just there to drive the car.

ahpheartofgold10Mrs. Collins blames the neighborhood for Alex’s troubles with the law.  She says she has a little nest-egg.  She invites Jackie to live with them.

Pretty soon, he is calling her “Ma”.

Preparing for his first day of work at a garage, Mrs. Collins brings him breakfast.  Jackie only has time for the coffee, but Ralph scarfs down the rest while mocking the small wage Jackie will be making.  It not clear that Ralph makes any wage at all.

Jackie’s parole officer stops by the garage.  The insurance company thinks Jackie knows where the $150,000 is from the bank robbery.  Apparently the local mob thinks so too as they pay him a visit.

ahpheartofgold06That night, he can barely make it up the stairs, having taken quite a beating.  But, really how bad could it have been when the leader was Seinfeld’s Uncle Leo?

The next day, the parole officer stops by the house.  Turns out a parolee can’t stay with the family of another prisoner — although living in a building full of murderers and thieves for 5 years is is considered non-corrupting.  Mrs. Collins talks the parole officer into bending the rules.

When Jackie gets home from work, Ralph is drunk.  He starts bullying Jackie, demanding a cut of the money.  He is one of those bullies that also likes to get a little too close, touching his victim’s face, putting his arm around him.  Just very touchy-feely creepiness.  With a few drinks in him, he admits sending the thugs that beat him up.

Jackie pulls a kitchen knife.  After some rough-housing, Ralph is stabbed and dies.  At that second Mrs. Collins comes in.  Jackie begs her not to tell anyone, to let him be Ralph’s replacement as her son.

ahpheartofgold19The twist is that “Ma” says they were only after his money.

All the ingredients are here.  Ma seems nice and motherly, Ralph is immediately hateable, the twist completely suckered me in, there is some great staging and composition in the shots.

For some reason, it just did not come together for me, though.  I rate it Heart of Chalcopyrite.  It’s not fair, but it might be because Ralph was just such a loathsome character.

Post-Post:

  • AHP Deathwatch:  3 survivors — possibly a record.
  • Strange that Jackie seemed to be the go-to name for small-time hoods in the 50’s.
  • Neil Young’s Heart of Gold.

 

Night Gallery – Camera Obscura (S2E12)

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ngcameraobscura02We begin with William Sharsted (Rene Auberjonois) exiting a carriage and daintily paying the driver.  After having a chamber-pot unceremoniously dumped at his feet — and really, what kind of ceremony would that call for? — he goes up a flight to see Mr. Gingold (Ross Martin).

Despite the treasures in Gingold’s home, Sharsted has come to collect on an outstanding 300 pound loan which has been accruing at the usurious rate of 13%.  This episode aired a few years before Jimmy Carter’s policies made 13% look like free money. Gingold deflects him and proudly shows him his camera obscura.

Through a series of mirrors and prisms, Gingold is able to project an image of the town onto a flat surface, to Sharsted’s amazement.  He zooms in on the residence of Norton Thwaite.  Gingold accuses Sharpsted of destroying Thwaite by foreclosing on his mortgage.

ngcameraobscura08Sharpsted points out that Gingold should probably worry more about his own situation.  Perhaps, he suggests, Gingold could sell off some of his objets d’art to pay his debt.  It is worth noting that he massacred the pronunciation as “objects dart”, but it is particularly bizarre coming from a guy named Rene Auberjonois.

Gingold wants to show Sharpsted another camera obscura that he has in the basement.  This one is able to zoom in on the Corn Exchange — a building that burned down when Sharpsted was a boy.  It is even able to zoom in on his father’s shop, long since closed.

When Sharpsted leaves, he finds himself in the past where there are no taxis and the streetlights run on gas.  Surely the greenish / sepia tones should have clued him in that he was on the past.

ngcameraobscura13He encounters several people, all deceased, who he had wronged. Through the camera obscura, Gingold watches Sharsted being consumed by the angry mob.

As frequently happens on NG, the punishment is a little extreme for the “crime”, and I’m a law & order guy (although I’ve never seen the TV show).  What was Sharsted supposed to do, let his customers just stop paying?  It’s not like he had a Bush or Obama to bail him out.

Post-Post:

  • Twilight Zone Legacy:  Milton Parsons was in three episodes of TZ, Ross Martin was in two.
  • Skipped Segment:  Quoth the Raven.  Nevermore, indeed.

Night Gallery – Cool Air (S2E12)

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ngcoolair18The lesson here is that when an episode of Night Gallery is praised as one of the best of the series, it is going to be torturous to watch. Examples:  They’re Tearing Down Tim Riley’s Bar, Silent Snow Secret Snow, and both segments in this episode.

We start out with a handheld POV shot in a cemetery, accompanied appropriately by deadly dull narration.  This leads to a flashwayback of Agatha Howard visiting the home of Professor Munos.

The landlady leads her up to Munos’ suite which he keeps refrigerated to a nippy 55 degrees.  Agatha was settling her dead father’s affairs when she came across letters from Munos.  Both refused to accept the finality of death.

ngcoolair24Agatha finds herself moved by his loneliness and isolation.  They decide to meet again for dinner in Munos’ meat locker of an apartment.  Presumably, vichyssoise followed by steak tartare and unbaked Alaska.

A week later, in the midst of a heatwave, Agatha goes to visit Munos.  He refuses to let her in.  That night, she gets a call of the non-booty variety from Munos asking for her help.  He has called Agatha to enlist her help in repairing his refrigeration machine.  He does not allow her in, but does open the door to reveal that he is shrouded in a towel with only one eye showing.

She finds an all-night mechanic, but he is unable to repair the machine.  So he sends Agatha out for ice . . . 300 pounds worth.  But it is to no avail.

Munos drops dead, Agatha sees him for the corpse that he really is. The end.

ngcoolair21The Spanish guitar and dull narration doom this episode from the first scene.  I’m not sure what could have saved it.  The one positive point in the segment is Barbara Rush, who I feel like I should know, but can’t place.

Despite the presence of the lovely Ms. Rush, the segment is a huge bore.

Like Lovecraft’s previous segment, Pickman’s Model, a new female character and romance was added to the adaptation; in both cases, for the better.

Most everyone in the short story seems to be Spanish — Muñoz (an even more Spanisher spelling than in the episode), the other tenants, and the landlady whom Lovecraft describes as “a slatternly, Spanish, almost bearded woman named Herrero”.

Both versions have the same final twist that Munos died twice — in the story 18 years earlier, and in the episode 10 years earlier.

Post-Post:

  • Twilight Zone Legacy:  Larry Blake was in The Trouble with Templeton.
  • Lovecraft’s story was first published in Tales of Magic and Mystery, March 1928.
  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Tong Torture – Emile C. Tepperman

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pulptong01

First line:  “The body of the dead Chinaman was the first thing Nick Ronson saw”.  Not sure why that’s racist, but I’m sure it is.

The man from the Coroner’s office is just starting to work on the “little yellow man”.

Detective McGuire is questioning Gregory Deming, the homeowner.  He says he shot the Chinaman while he was trying to steal — what else, jade — from the wall-safe.  The story checks out because “the chink’s prints are on the safe”.

Deming is worried about reprisals for the death. Ronson agrees that Deming is in danger, but says it is too dangerous to take the gig as his body-guard.  He finally agrees, but wisely insists to be paid in advance.

Ronson goes to see Charley Mee, head of the Tong Local 102, who greets him as Mr. Lonson.  It would be interesting to hear how he pronounces his own name of Charley. Ronson had long ago “learned the futility of trying to read any sort of meaning into the expression of a Chinaman’s face”.  I guess they have a pokel face.

Ronson tries to broker a deal where Deming will pay an indemnity for the dead man, in exchange for having the bounty taken off his head.  Mee doesn’t like those terms, so a gunfight breaks out.  Fortunately, “the Chinese are notoriously poor shots” and Ronson is able to escape.

Ronson goes back to Deming’s home, but finds that Deming has been taken by “three wild chinks with a sawed off shotgun.”  Ronson is able to track them back to their hideout — where else — in a laundry.

Under torture, Deming spills the truth that he is actually the thief, stealing a piece of jade from the dead man who had come to discuss a sale.  With Ronson on the case, Deming never had a Chinaman’s Chance.

Pretty straightforward.

Post-Post:

  • First published in Secret Agent X, August 1934.
  • Also that month:  The 2nd: Hitler becomes Commander-in-Chief of German Armed Forces.  The 3rd: Hitler merges the offices of Chancellor and President, proclaiming himself Führer.
  • Sadly, could not work in “Ancient Chinese Secret” reference.
  • The Chinaman had a ring with the interesting inscription: Respect the gods, but have as little as possible to do with them.

Tales From the Crypt – Dead Wait (S3E6)

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tftcdeadwait02Carrot-top “Red” Buckley is in bed playing with himself — er, playing both sides of a chess board as he studies a strategy book.  His brother Charlie enters with info about a Black Pearl that they plan to steal.  Red was supposed to procure a boat, but has screwed that up. Charlie berates him for being stupid and knocks over the chessboard.  Quite reasonably, Red shoots him.

That night in a bar, Red sees Duval, the owner of the Black Pearl, and his hot babe Kathrine who is clearly in it for the money.  Red asks about a job running Duval’s plantation, and gets the gig.

They go to Duval’s plantation.  It is a sprawling place verdant with thousands of acres of sugar cane, coffee and other vegetation, endless perfectly aligned rows of fruit trees, all inter-cut beautifully with natural fresh water irrigation.  Of course, I am just extrapolating based on the checkered tile porch of the main house, which is all we see.

We do, however, hear the gunfire from rebels fighting the army in the surrounding hills. Something like that has got to hurt property values.

On the way through the jungle as Peligre takes Red to his quarters, he asks about Duval’s limp walk and veiny hands.  She explains that he has schistosomiasis, a disease best known from an episode of M*A*S*H and for not being in spell-check.  She describes it as “water worms” which is probably close enough to the truth.  She also explains the island’s fascination with his red hair which symbolizes life.

They arrive at his quarters which he accurately describes as not being the Ritz.  He is shocked to see a bloody ram’s head ensconced on the wall.  They missed a good chance at a callback here to his bloody brother thrown against the wall from Red’s gunshot.

Red goes back to the main house where he sees the Black Pearl in a display case. Duval catches him drooling over it, and warns him not to get too close — just so he doesn’t set off the alarm system.  Naturally, after Duval goes to bed, Red bangs his wife.

Immediately after the festivities, he unsubtly asks, “Do you know how to turn off Duval’s security system?”  To her credit, she replies, “You’re not very subtle are you?”

tftcdeadwait06And really — nudity in a show that features a goddam puppet?  Make up your mind (and by that, I mean, lose the puppet).

The Black Pearl is missing from its display case.  Red confronts Duval to take it, but Duval swears he “can’t lay my hands on it”.  Having become a master tactician from all those years of studying chess which is so applicable to real-life, Red shoots him — but must walk two steps ahead and one to the left for his move.  Searching Duval, he is surprised to find balloons.  Then he realizes that Duval swallowed the Black Pearl even though it was about the size of a golf ball.  Red did him a favor shooting him before it re-emerged naturally.

Red slices open this fat bastard and digs the Black Pearl out of his huge waterworm-filled gut. Kathrine, also apparently a chess fan, pulls a gun on him.  Red is saved as Peligre stabs a voodoo doll of Kathrine, killing her.

Peligre helps him escape, but they end up in her village.  She tells Red, “If I had red hair like yours, I would have respect.”  Clearly being a checkers-player, she lops his head off with a machete.

I don’t know if Whoopi Goldberg is a great actress, but she is a great character, stealing every scene she is in.  Dexter’s ghost-dad is good as Red and John Rhys-Davies is pretty much himself, although I never once thought of Sallah or Gimli.

tftcdeadwait10TFTC continues to not understand how puns work.  OK, Dead Wait / dead weight — we get it.  But where is the double meaning?  Waiting really plays no role in the story.

Strangely, I fell asleep three times and had to restart the episode, but it’s not bad at all.  It does suffer a little from a lack of irony or closure. Even though Red’s hair is referenced a number of times, it still doesn’t adequately set up the lopping off of said red head, or give us any idea what Whoopi is going to do with it.  There is a good shot of her carrying it off Bill Parker style, though.

Post-Post:

  • In the Crypt-keeper’s closing closing sketch, which is normally reserved for ruining an episode, he is a neck-tied talk-show host with Whoopi Goldberg as a guest.  If nothing else, it prepared Whoppi for years with Barbara Walters on The View.
  • The chess-playing, even studying a book on it, seemed out of place.  This guy was clearly no grandmaster thinker, and it played no part in the story.
  • Directed by Tobe Hooper who, fairly or not, will always be remembered as the guy who directed Texas Chainsaw Massacre and almost directed Poltergeist.
  • But mostly as the guy who put Mathilda May in Lifeforce.