Monthly Archives: October 2014

Willow Creek (2013)

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willow05For anyone who thought Blair Witch was too action-packed, had too many scares, had too much character development, was confused by the complex arcs, and thought the ending was a little too definitive — this one is for you.

Jim and Kelly are going to the site of the famous Patterson-Gimlin Bigfoot video to make a documentary.  Like all documentarians and DJ’s in the movies, there is not a chance in hell anyone would sit through their production.

They do stop by many interesting sites in the area — Bigfoot Burger, a huge Bigfoot mural, a Bigfoot statue, Bigfoot Avenue, Bigfoot Hotel, Bigfoot Bookstore; sadly there is no Bigfoot Shoes.  Most of the other people in the small cast are actually citizens of Willow Creek who make their living in jobs created by the Bigfoot economy.  In some cases, they were not told this was intended to be a fictional movie.

This movie isn’t a slow-burn; it’s a no-burn.  Really nothing horrific happens for the first half except we have to see Jim’s butt.  Luckily the leads are not the usual hateable assholes; and the eccentric characters and touristy sites in the town are interesting.  It is 43 minutes in that we get the first hint of anything — a jump scare that turns out to be a raccoon.

willow03At the 47:30 mark, a lengthy static shot begins.  The camera never moves, there are no edits other than one blink to total darkness.  Jim is awakened by a knock.  The couple is tormented by subtle sounds at first.  Then, something walking around, some grunts and howls, maybe a woman screaming, something hitting the tent.  All of this developing very slowly, I can imagine this being intense in a theater.

Jim is fairly stoic, but does communicate that he is scared. Kelly is more emotional in a fearful, but not crazy way.  It was like Paranormal Activity in that you spent extended periods of time just waiting for something to happen.  The fact that there were stretches of nothing works in the picture’s favor.  I was tensed up to prepare myself for what I expected to be an explosive conclusion to the scene.  It didn’t really turn out that way, but does that negate the suspense I felt?

I had the scene lasting 18 minutes, although 19 seems to be the standard everyone uses in reviews.  It could even be up to 22 depending when you start it.  But does it really matter?  As dawn breaks, they reasonably decide it might be a good idea to head home a little early.

Naturally, at this point they become lost.  It could be another Blair Witch nod, but they’re in the woods — getting lost is kind of a given (speaking only from personal experience). They even use the ol’ “I’ve seen that tree before” trope.  Compounding the fear of being lost, they begin hearing the same eerie sounds from the previous night.

There is an encounter at the end, but not necessarily what we expect.

Overall, I liked it, but can understand a lot of people being put off by the first half which is just getting to know the leads and some folksy characters.  It could have benefited by something early in the film, but since it was found-footage, that gets a little dicey.

It might have helped if they showed the original Patterson-Gimlin film they frequently reference.  Maybe it was a cost issue since this was clearly a low-budget joint.  But it does leave a certain er . . . 800 pound gorilla not in the room.   This is like if Oliver Stone had not ponied up for the Zapruder Film in JFK.

I give it 3 out of 5 toes; but the big ones, not the pinky and its neighbor.

Post-Post:

  • I was a fan of Bobcat back in the day.  He comes off like a good guy in the commentary.
  • Bobcat’s original concept was to do this as a Christopher Guest type of satire on people who attend Bigfoot conventions, but he decided that would not be very nice. See — what a good egg.
  • The leads seem to be his rep company as both have made three movies with him.
  • A rare DVD watch, so I got to hear the commentary which was interesting.

Night Gallery – The Return of the Sorcerer (S3E1)

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nightgallery01Another time-warp entry in the “Complete First Season” collection.  This one is the premiere episode from Season 3 and I am struck immediately with bad news and good news and bad news.

  • Bad news:  Seeing there was a single title for this episode, I feared a 60-minute slog padded out by Serling-penned monologues.
  • Good news:  The episode was cut down to a 30-minute slog.
  • Bad news: Nothing could ever match the iconic TZ theme, but the original NG theme was more than adequate; the new 3rd season theme is dreadful.

Bill Bixby answers an ad placed by Vincent Price to translate an old text.  Price gives him a month’s salary up front to move into the mansion and begin translating immediately.

Bixby gets his gear and Price’s 33 years-younger wife Fern shows him to his room, then lays a kiss on him.  The actress is pretty much a blank with empty, dead eyes; she had a pretty good run in TV, though, so maybe it was acting.

ngsorcerer03Frankly, the whole thing gets pretty tedious.  Other people have rated it highly, though, so it might just be that I was never a Vincent Price fan.

The episode looks great with lots of deep reds and and blacks.  The atmosphere is solidly established by the mansion and candles.  There is also a lot of smoke swirling through the hallways.  Yes, it ‘s atmospheric, but when I see smoke inside a house, I call the fire department.  Outside, in a ghost story, it makes sense, but this is just goofy.  Bixby and Price are both great in their roles.  Sadly, Fern drags the show down a notch.

ngsorcerer04Just not much here to keep me interested.  OK, the goat at the dinner table was pretty good.

Post-Post:

  • TZ Legacy:  None.  Maybe this reflects Serling’s continuing loss of influence in the 3rd season.
  • The Fern character is not in the short story.

Death Mates for the Lust-Lost – Hugh J. Gallagher

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pulpfiction0125 stories for $.99; they must be good!  Part V of XXV.

Miriam Daly is on a launch to the island compound of Mr. Martinez.  The passengers are a diverse group including a lecturer, an aerialist, a singer, a dancer, a magician’s assistant, and a concert pianist — all female. There are clearly no rocket scientists in the group as they haven’t figured out they’re all going to the same place despite being on a small boat heading toward an island.

Martinez greets them at his mansion and pulls aside three of the women.  The other three are led to their rooms by a “half-nude” servant, although which half and which sex are not described.

Miriam is led into a bedroom and the door is locked behind her.  Soon there is a tapping at her window.  She opens the latch and lets in the aerialist, who is actually a man, man! He posed as a woman to investigate this disappearance of his sister who was last known to be heading to this island.

Hearing voices, Miriam and the aerialist Phil climb down a trellis and follow their three companions being dragged into the woods.  Turns out Martinez has brought women here to hunt for sport — the second time in five stories that this trope has been used.  To prove his seriousness, he brutally tortures and kills one of the women.

The next day, exploring the estate, Miriam and Phil (dressed as Phyllis again) discover what became of the other women, and of Phil’s sister.  Whatever torture and nastiness goes on in this collection, you can usually depend on scores being settle at the end.

A pretty straight-forward tale

Post-Post:

  • First published in Mystery Novels and Short Stories Magazine, July 1940.
  • Also that month: The first successful helicopter flight.
  • Same publication as Mystery Novels Magazine or least original rip-off ever?  I have no idea.

Tales from the Crypt – Fitting Punishment (S2E12)

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tftcfitting01Or, as it must have been known back in the day, “The One with all the Black People.” Aside from the occasional Voodoo witch, TFTC has been whiter than a Seinfeld reunion. Our politically-correct betters in Hollywood remedy this by gerrymandering all the African Americans into one episode whose key elements are a basketball and sneakers.  On the bright side, no watermelons were injured in making this episode.

The episode opens on the Thorntonberry Funeral Home.  For some reason, the owner is credited as Ezra Thornberry.  Bobby Thorntonberry’s parents have been killed in a car crash, so he has come to live with his uncle.  Ezra reluctantly takes him in, also as an employee offering only room and board.  He begins immediately showing him the tricks of the trade by prying open the lips of his latest customer.  She is sporting a gold tooth — naturally.

Ezra further displays his cost-cutting practices by embalming a corpse with tap water. Actually, he very reasonably points out that the dead man doesn’t know the difference and the chemicals cost money.  I’m kind of on Ezra’s side.  This slab of beef is going in a vault in the ground, who cares.

tftcfitting03Further, he orders his coffins from Taiwan.  The Chinese being 6 inches shorter, their coffins are are smaller, ergo cheaper.

When the wrong type of casket is ordered, Ezra blames Bobby and beats him with a tire iron.  The medical bills start to mount up so Ezra sells Bobby’s Air Jordans to cover some of the cost.  He tells Bobby, on crutches, that he doesn’t need shoes.  Bobby threatens to go to the police.  As Bobby is struggling to climb the stairs, Ezra nails him with his own basketball, knocking him down the stairs and killing him.

Ezra gives him the water embalming and plops him in the misordered coffin.  Being one of the Chinese coffins, and Bobby being tall kid, his feet are hanging out of the end of the box.  Once again, Ezra has a solution and breaks out the power saw, cutting Bobby off at the ankles.

tftcfitting02The night after Bobby is buried, Ezra is awakened by a knocking.  No one is at the door.  He thinks his disapproving former organist is doing this to him — until he sees a ball slowly bouncing one step at a time, down the stairs, rolling to a stop at his feet, just like in The Changeling — except with a basketball cause, you know, he’s black.  There really is a satirical level to the scene, which I can’t imagine they intended.

A pair of Air Jordans with bloody fresh cut-off feet in them kick Ezra in the ass. Fortuitously, he is standing at the top of the basement stairs and falls down the same stairs where Bobby died.  Then he sees the bloody shoes hopping down the stairs; followed by the footless zombie-Bobby crutch-walking down them, footless legs dangling like Bobcat Goldthwait’s dummy.

Moses Gunn is great as the hateful old mortician.  Jon Clair, the nephew, had a pretty short career, but effectively pulls off his role as a naive well-meaning kid.  Another good one.

Post-Post:

  • Hey, how’d those Chinese guys get in the shot?  Oh, I guess if you order merchandise from Taiwan, Chinese guys deliver it.
  • It took three people to write this — this is the only writing credit for two of them.  The third writer, Don Mancini wrote several Child’s Play / Chucky movies.

The Shrieking Pool – G.T. Fleming-Roberts

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pulpfiction0125 stories for $.99; they must be great.  Part IV of XXV.

Reporter Larry Corrin is driving to Black Stool, er Pool.  For the 3rd time in four stories, a car gets stuck in the mud, or “bogged” as it is described.  Also for the third time in 4 stories, a person has been beckoned by a letter from an old acquaintance  Sadly, the hat tricks do not continue with a 3rd occurrence of naked women in chains.  Or in hats.

Corrin receives a letter from Dean Wile, owner of the Black Pool Lodge.  He says Black Pool has fallen into ill repute, what with the lake having developed an appetite for human flesh.  After Corrin’s car is bogged, he stumbles through the woods until he sees the lights of the lodge.

Before he even gets to the lodge, he sees a boat on the lake.  It is close enough so he can hear a man and woman talking.  Also close enough that he can see a reptilian head rise out of the water, and an taloned arm capsize the boat.  The woman makes it to the shore, but the man is killed by a talon to the head which obliterates his face.

The other members of the generically-named Jordan Scientific Institute rush outside to see what the commotion is.  Questions are raised as to why Bernice was out in the boat with Frank, who was not her husband.  Also why they would have gone out on the lake which is consuming people like popcorn.

Theories on the deaths range from drowning to the existence of a Brontozoum in the lake.  Corrin has a different theory, that a human is picking off the staff one-by-one.  That night, in the lake, he almost finds himself to be the next victim.  He does at least find the bodies of the missing men.  They are trapped in the undercurrent of the lake, the cold water preventing their rise to  the surface.  How this small lake managed to have an undercurrent is not addressed.

Naturally, the deaths turn out to be the result of a love triangle.  Either Corrin’s investigation got a few more of them killed, or he saved all the poor saps from going out into the lake one by one to die like the slowest lemming parade in history.  I really hate to see the plot require scientists to be such dolts.

After the lurid action in the previous story, this one seems a little flat.  I would never recommend it to anyone, but it is just fine as a story between tent-poles; and I’m optimistically expecting another strong one is coming, not trapping me in a literary lean-to.

If nothing else, this collection still owes me an ape for my $.99.

Post-Post:

  • First published in Mystery Novels Magazine, February 1936.
  • Hitler introduces the Volkswagen, designed by Ferdinand Porsche.