79 minutes, including 8 minutes of credits.  That’s the reason I chose this.

On the oddly specific date of October 13, 1987, Seth Hampton frantically arrives at the home of his friend Mark with a story of their friend Rob being abducted by aliens. Understandably Mark and his out-of-his-league wife Jen are skeptical.

There is a lot to like about this movie, but also some minor irritations that arise almost immediately.  Either writer Joe Begos or actor Graham Skipper have made the rookie mistake of thinking that constantly saying “fuck” is interesting or intense or edgy or funny or real.  In fact, it is exponentially more boring each time it is used (unless it is on The Sopranos).  Of course, Martin Scorsese is still making this mistake, so it isn’t purely rookie.  In his case, it seems more like an old man giggling at his own naughtiness when his nurse isn’t looking.

Also, Mark has a manly-man beard that is so obviously fake that it must be real.  Begos proves himself a good enough director that he would not have allowed his make-up person to get away with this beard job.

Seth excitedly tells them about the abduction when suddenly the lights go out, and there are crazy ear-piercing sounds.  Mark goes outside, is hit by a beam of light a la Travis Walton and abducted.
Two years later, on the day Seth wakes up with a nosebleed, hunters find Mark nekkid in the woods.  Begos smartly skips this two year stretch, only cutting into the opening credits with a few news reports.

One of the hunters nudges Mark with the rifle, and he springs to life.  After letting out a Godzilla-like scream, he kills both of them and steals their clothes — this despite one of them being a bro in the manly-man beard club.  Begos again shows his skill, having Mark then do something mostly off camera.  Only later do we know what the growl and the hunter’s shaking foot signifies.  Good stuff

Seth goes to see Jen who doesn’t remember anything, and says he believes Mark is coming back.  He is pretty forgiving considering Jen had told everyone that he had killed Mark and Rob.

Mark walks into gas station, knifes a gas-pumper, shoots the clerk — both really well executed; so to speak.  He throws the one that still has a head in the back of the gas-pumper’s truck and heads to his old house.

At the ol’ homestead he sees the circular still-charred patch of grass where he was abducted.  Good times.  He peeks in a window and sees a woman vacuuming.  The phone is ringing, but is almost inaudible under the noise of the vacuum.  So when the woman picks it up, it seems like it is in response to Mark cutting the phone line — I had to rewind a couple of times to get what was happening.

The current man o’ the house, another member of the manly-man beard fraternity, is chainsawing some logs.  Mark shoots him and finishes him off with a beautiful axe to the head.  His wife screams, runs back indoors, and we get a short, nicely choreographed chase involving the house, the car, and a slashing.

Mark lines his victims up in the cellar and and impregnates them by giving the growl, shooting a tube from his mouth to the victim’s mouth, and passing an eggy lump through the tube.

He then goes to Jen’s new house and, in a great switcheroo, her fiance Clyde kicks Mark’s ass.  However, this is Mark’s story, so he does his growl, disables the guy, and breaks his neck.  Clyde has one of those pencil-thin strings of beard with no mustache, so really this can’t be much of a loss.  There’s a reason no one ever wrote a song about a pencil-thin beard.

The story is pretty well set up at this point and follows Mark as he pursues Jen.  She and Seth both put up a good fight.

I was shocked by how well done this movie was.  The score was great, with simple but effective stingers.  The kills were well-done.  And the acting was about as good as you can expect from a small production.

If I had to make a criticism, it would be the portrayal of Mark.  Josh Ethier just did not impart a sense of “otherness”.  While he didn’t come off as a regular garden variety serial killer, there really was nothing to suggest a possession or alien influence.  Maybe it was the beard — In the history of movies, has there ever been an alien with a beard?

I rate it 75 minutes out of 79 minutes.

Post-Post:

• IMDb says this takes place in Derry, Maine, site of many Stephen King stories. Derry gets a mention, but the action seems to be in Patten, Maine (a real city unlike the fictional Derry).
• I am not a fan of after-credits scenes.  What is going on?  Is that Rob?
• Other goodness not mentioned above: Podpeople, and a hacksaw.
• The reveal of the last kill actually got a verbal “Oh shit” from me, it was so well done.  Just to be non-spoilery clear — the last kill / impregnation made by a possessed human.

Manly-Man Beard Club. Not so fast there, Clyde.

Within the first 2 minutes, the film presents us with an ghastly image so repulsive as to churn the stomach of any normal human being.  Or maybe it’s just me — tattoo’s are generally not a good idea, but especially not on the breast of a young blonde.

I have to credit the writer, though, it is there for a reason; actually he milks it for two points.  In some bizarrely fetishistic role-play, a couple has gone down into  coal mine wearing coveralls and gas masks.  Long story short, the heart-shaped tattoo 1) drives the man into a rage, and 2) provides a nice target for the pick-axe.

After a nice opening, the main story begins at the mouth of the mine during the shift change.  A wee little train brings the miners to the surface and takes the next shift down.  The guys are a little too over-the-top friendly in a 1980’s beer commercial kind of way.  Especially in the shower.

It is nice for a change, however, not to watch a bunch of 30 year olds playing high school students.  Although basically they still act like high school kids, just ones who work in a mine.

Ya might immediately think this guy was the killer since he clearly has a screw loose, picking his girlfriend up by the head!

After the gang-shower, the guys head over to the union hall which has been decorated for the prom, er Valentine’s Dance.  The girls also act like high-schoolers. Apparently not having jobs, they are making banners and paper hearts as their boyfriends come in.

A local geezer objects to all this jocularity, recounting the story of why there has not been a Valentine’s Dance in 20 years.

During the last dance, 7 men remained in the mine.  The 2 supervisors bailed for the party without checking the methane levels.  A huge explosion killed the 5 in the mine.  After several days, however, one survivor was found — Harry Warden, insane and chomping on a co-worker’s arm.  One year later, Harry returned to kill the 2 supervisors.  He cut out their hearts and left a note warning that if another dance was ever held on the 14th, there would be more murders.

And what kind of name for a slasher is Harry Warden?  Voorhees and Krueger have some pizzazz.  Although Michael Myers is also pretty boring, sounding more like a slip-and-fall lawyer.

The sheriff receives a box of candy which turns out to contain the heart from the girl killed in the first scene.  He also finds the owner of the laundromat stuffed into one of her dryers.  Like the tanning booth in Trancers, it apparently had a “cremate” setting.  Of course, the de-hearting would have killed her anyway; but at least left the open-casket option available.

Convinced that Harry Warden as returned, the sheriff cancels the Valentine’s Dance.  Displaying the cunning of a slip-and-fall lawyer, the kids, er miners decide they won’t have a dance . . . they’ll have a party!  Totally different.  Surely Harry Warden would not hold them responsible for the difference.

And where better to have a party than at the mine?  Won’t the gang at the sewage treatment plant be jealous!  To their credit, the party is kept above ground in the rec room.  Not that this prevents several of them from being killed.

Inevitably one of them gets the idea to take the party down into the mine.  One character points out that it is against the rules for women to go into the mine.  Thank God we no longer live in the dark ages where women do not have the same opportunity for pneumoconiosis and being trapped in cave-ins as men.  You’ve come a long way, baby.

Going subterranean was not the brightest idea. After several more kills, the culprit is revealed to be one of the partiers.  Turns out Harry Warden has been dead for years.  The killer’s name is Axel, which could be a great name for a franchise killer if matched with an appropriate last name.

It was clear from the editing that many scenes had been trimmed for gore.  A director’s cut has been released restoring at least some of the cuts.  MBV was good enough that I now want to see it intact.

I rate it a 12 out of 14.

Post-Post Leftovers:

• I thought “slip-and-fall lawyer” was a pejorative.  After Googling, I now see that many attorneys proudly advertise using just that phrase.
• How can “Googling” not be in spell-check?
• Strangely Don Francks gets a “Special Guest Appearance By” credit despite being in several scenes, and arguably being the lead in the movie.
• Nice to see a pick-axe actually used as opposed to some films I could mention.
• According to IMDb, when the town in Nova Scotia found out they were going to shoot a movie there, they spent $50k to clean up the mine. The producers then had to spend $75k to dirty it up again.  I suspect this is, like most wacky production anecdotes you hear, a complete lie.