Mondrian with less ambition, but about the same amount of talent

Jack Craig (Tim Roth) is an artist whose talent would not even get him a showing in Night Gallery.

A gallery owner is in his loft looking at his work and deems it unworthy of a showing.  She suggests that he start drinking again, but the alcohol might be put to better use if served to the viewers.

Jack has the standard daydream where fantasizes killing his adversary — in this case, planting the business end of a ball-peen hammer in her skull.  Next we see Jack in Obsessives Anonymous, a 12-step type of group.  His problems have been linked to alcohol, but I guess AA has their group trademarked.  He admits that he thinks he would have enjoyed killing her.  “But you didn’t — you faced your demon,” the group leader tells him.  If simply not planting a hammer in someone’s skull is considered a victory, that’s got to be one of the early steps.

Sharon from the group approaches him in the parking lot.  He has not sold a painting in a year, and she wants to be his inspiration to paint a masterpiece.  So they end up in his loft.  Somehow her showing a little leg breaks his mood.

That night, when confronting a noisy neighbor, Jack accidentally causes him to fall from the fire escape and die.  Looking down at the dead body, he is inspired to take his art in a new direction and paints the punk lying dead in the ally.

This is just the kind of morbid art that billionaire Malcolm Mayflower (William Atherton) collects, so Jack pays him a visit with the painting.  Mayflower buys the painting, but only for $200.  But he promises Jack $20,000 for the next one.

Needing more inspiration, he pushes his landlady down the stairs, killing her.  Ca-ching! Jack wants to stop, but Mayflower offers him $100,000 for a third painting.

When Sharon discovers what he has been doing, she runs away.  As Jack chases her, she runs across the street and is hit by a car in a very well staged stunt.  Needing $100,000 for the operation that will save her, he kills again.

Turns out he killed the surgeon who could have saved Sharon.  Doh!  And by leaving his brush at the scene, he led the police right to him.

Meh.  A pretty somber affair.  Too many of the directors forget that this series should have an element of fun to it.  Tim Roth is great as always, but it is played completely straight.  There is a nice closing shot, however, of him looking through some blinds as they close on him.

Post-Post:

• Title Analysis:  Being a fairly somber episode, maybe they shouldn’t have gone for the pun at all.  First of all, kudos for it being relevant to the episode after non-sequiturs such as Abra Cadaver and Dead Wait.  Sadly, however, it is still a failure.  I assume they were playing off of the phrase “this’ll kill ya” but “easel” is just to much of a stretch.  Coincidentally, there is an episode next season  called “This’ll Kill Ya.”
• This was a year before Reservoir Dogs and three years before Pulp Fiction.
• William Atherton is not playing his usual dickish self (Die Hard, Ghostbusters, the forgotten Real Genius, etc).  Normal just doesn’t suit him.

Minor gripe: The cover art that introduces the episodes usually has pretty good cartoon likenesses of the actors (although Whoopi Goldberg did look like she should have been a character on the Simpsons).  This time, though, I am not seeing Malcolm McDowell or George Wendt in this drawing at all.

He goes to his job as a security guard at the blood bank.  George Wendt, on the other hand, is recognizable despite not having a bar-stool attached to his ass.  Not exactly known for his range as an actor, Wendt falls back on his Mr. Kreitzer alter-ego from one episode of Cheers.  He is chewing out lovely Sally for the mysterious low levels of blood in the bank.  

After she leaves, he is filled with self-loathing for about 2 seconds, then raids the vault for fresh blood.  On the prowl that night, he just can’t bring himself to attack an old lady, but is OK with attacking a mugger that holds her up.  He Heimlichs  the mugger dry to replace the blood he stole the night before.  Although wouldn’t it have been a lot simpler to go directly to the mugger for his fix, and not drink the blood at the bank?

Coming home that night, Wendt is waiting for him with a gun.  He has figured out that McDowell came up with the blood and plans to blackmail him for more.  McDowell is able to bonk him on the head with the Murphy Coffin, and stuff him into it.

Post-Post:

• Sandra Dickinson played Trillian in the BBC production of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
• McDowell’s character is named Donald Longtooth.
• In the opening shot, McDowell puts in false teeth.  The false teeth don’t have fangs, and false teeth could not cover up or shorten fangs — so what are they for?
• Director Elliot Silverstein has a ton of credits including four Twilight Zones, Cat Ballou, A Man Called Horse and the classic 1970’s cheapo classic The Car.
• The last of three episode scripted by Terry Black, and probably the best.  Kudos for the highlarious questioning of McDowell’s victims.

Carrot-top “Red” Buckley is in bed playing with himself — er, playing both sides of a chess board as he studies a strategy book.  His brother Charlie enters with info about a Black Pearl that they plan to steal.  Red was supposed to procure a boat, but has screwed that up. Charlie berates him for being stupid and knocks over the chessboard.  Quite reasonably, Red shoots him.

That night in a bar, Red sees Duval, the owner of the Black Pearl, and his hot babe Kathrine who is clearly in it for the money.  Red asks about a job running Duval’s plantation, and gets the gig.

They go to Duval’s plantation.  It is a sprawling place verdant with thousands of acres of sugar cane, coffee and other vegetation, endless perfectly aligned rows of fruit trees, all inter-cut beautifully with natural fresh water irrigation.  Of course, I am just extrapolating based on the checkered tile porch of the main house, which is all we see.

We do, however, hear the gunfire from rebels fighting the army in the surrounding hills. Something like that has got to hurt property values.

On the way through the jungle as Peligre takes Red to his quarters, he asks about Duval’s limp walk and veiny hands.  She explains that he has schistosomiasis, a disease best known from an episode of M*A*S*H and for not being in spell-check.  She describes it as “water worms” which is probably close enough to the truth.  She also explains the island’s fascination with his red hair which symbolizes life.

They arrive at his quarters which he accurately describes as not being the Ritz.  He is shocked to see a bloody ram’s head ensconced on the wall.  They missed a good chance at a callback here to his bloody brother thrown against the wall from Red’s gunshot.

Red goes back to the main house where he sees the Black Pearl in a display case. Duval catches him drooling over it, and warns him not to get too close — just so he doesn’t set off the alarm system.  Naturally, after Duval goes to bed, Red bangs his wife.

Immediately after the festivities, he unsubtly asks, “Do you know how to turn off Duval’s security system?”  To her credit, she replies, “You’re not very subtle are you?”

And really — nudity in a show that features a goddam puppet?  Make up your mind (and by that, I mean, lose the puppet).

The Black Pearl is missing from its display case.  Red confronts Duval to take it, but Duval swears he “can’t lay my hands on it”.  Having become a master tactician from all those years of studying chess which is so applicable to real-life, Red shoots him — but must walk two steps ahead and one to the left for his move.  Searching Duval, he is surprised to find balloons.  Then he realizes that Duval swallowed the Black Pearl even though it was about the size of a golf ball.  Red did him a favor shooting him before it re-emerged naturally.

Red slices open this fat bastard and digs the Black Pearl out of his huge waterworm-filled gut. Kathrine, also apparently a chess fan, pulls a gun on him.  Red is saved as Peligre stabs a voodoo doll of Kathrine, killing her.

Peligre helps him escape, but they end up in her village.  She tells Red, “If I had red hair like yours, I would have respect.”  Clearly being a checkers-player, she lops his head off with a machete.

I don’t know if Whoopi Goldberg is a great actress, but she is a great character, stealing every scene she is in.  Dexter’s ghost-dad is good as Red and John Rhys-Davies is pretty much himself, although I never once thought of Sallah or Gimli.

TFTC continues to not understand how puns work.  OK, Dead Wait / dead weight — we get it.  But where is the double meaning?  Waiting really plays no role in the story.

Strangely, I fell asleep three times and had to restart the episode, but it’s not bad at all.  It does suffer a little from a lack of irony or closure. Even though Red’s hair is referenced a number of times, it still doesn’t adequately set up the lopping off of said red head, or give us any idea what Whoopi is going to do with it.  There is a good shot of her carrying it off Bill Parker style, though.

Post-Post:

• In the Crypt-keeper’s closing closing sketch, which is normally reserved for ruining an episode, he is a neck-tied talk-show host with Whoopi Goldberg as a guest.  If nothing else, it prepared Whoppi for years with Barbara Walters on The View.
• The chess-playing, even studying a book on it, seemed out of place.  This guy was clearly no grandmaster thinker, and it played no part in the story.
• Directed by Tobe Hooper who, fairly or not, will always be remembered as the guy who directed Texas Chainsaw Massacre and almost directed Poltergeist.
• But mostly as the guy who put Mathilda May in Lifeforce.

In which we play the Price is Right Hi-Lo Game.  Disclosure: I have never seen the Price is Right Hi-Lo Game.

Sandra Bernhard (OVER-rated: Always had great potential, but not much good stuff after The King of Comedy and early Letterman appearances (before he became a bitter old man (which was about 20 years ago))) is an agent calling for her assistant.

John Lovitz (UNDER-rated: Always funny, but is almost never in anything I watch (he is a perfect match for the tone of this series, but only appears once in 7 seasons — see what I mean?)) enters her office carrying a rope which is only slightly longer than the one included in the Clue board game.

Lovitz says he killed her assistant and that she “is next, bitch.”  Berhard’s lackluster response completely suckered me in, thinking it was just a lousy line-reading.  When Lovitz makes a half-assed attempt to strangle her, it seems fishy.  When he says, “The silent scream is the loudest,” it is clear this is an audition.  Nothing that awful could make it into a movie.

Sadly, once again, Lovitz does not get the gig.  As he is leaving her office, he passes a line of other hopefuls.  While it is fun that they all have a piece of rope, it would have been better to have them be Hollywood purty-boys to further establish Lovitz’s desperation.  He then notices a flyer for parts in a production of Hamlet.

He takes one and sees Bruce Boxleitner coming out of the elevator (UN-rated: I know he’s been around for decades, but this is literally the first thing I’ve ever seen him in), a former acting pal who made it big.  He advises Lovitz not to worry so much about technique, just get a new wardrobe, some colored contacts, and “stoop” to doing commercials.

He goes to see his agent Louise Fletcher (OVER-rated: Got huge accolades and won an Oscar for One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (she has worked steadily, but nothing to compare to her over-praised breakout role).  She also tells him he is no Mel Gibson or Bruce Boxleitner, and suggests plastic surgery.  Ouch — no wonder Lovitz never went back.

As she is dropping him as a client, she begins flossing her teeth.  The act is such a beautiful non-sequitur and so perfectly dismissive of his presence, that the episode deserves a A just for that few seconds.  Bravo!

Lovitz goes to a seedy part of town for the Hamlet audition.  Boxleitner is already there and believes his looks will get him the part.  The crazy director is played by John Astin (UNDER-rated: Another actor who is consistently good and funny.  He has a huge resume, but still seems like he should have been bigger.  He almost salvaged some unsalvagable Night Gallery episodes, and directed a few that were better than average (so I consider him under-rated in two categories)) who naturally selects Boxleitner because “he has the look.”

Lovitz watches a rehearsal, fuming in the wings.  And being TFTC, kills Boxleitner and gets the part.  Turns out Boxleitner and now Lovitz were not cast as Hamlet, but as Yorick.  And really, all that’s needed for that role is his skull.

That ending wouldn’t have worked if not for the great 2nd ending.  The 3rd ending with the police is merely superfluous.  The 4th ending features a mediocre effect, but is awesomely saved by a dog at the last second.  And the one where they return to the Shire is best of all.

A winner.

Post-Post:

• Title Analysis:  Serviceable, but no wordplay and irony-free.
• Louise Fletcher’s competition for the Oscar appeared in these timeless classics that are surely huge DVD sellers, and that I hear people talk about all the time: The Story of Adele H, Tommy, Hedda, and Hester Street.  Fletcher could have been in a beer commercial and won.
• On a more positive note, her award was presented by Charles Bronson, and she gave one of the classic tear-jerker acceptance speeches.
• This was Myles Berkowitz’s third and final TV script credit on IMDb.  If the flossing scene was his, he was robbed in not winning an Emmy.  Sorry we did not hear more from him.

It might seem trivial, but minor kudos on the title.  Finally someone at TFTC learned how puns work — I’m looking at you, Lower Berth and Carrion Death.  The title would have been perfect if the episode had featured a magician, but it’s progress.

In a black & white flashback, the Fairbanks brothers are in the morgue.  Both are doctors, but Marty is the brains in the family.  Fortunately, Beau Bridges pulls off the brainiac role better here than in Sandkings.  He is helping his less-gifted party-boy brother Carl gain a little more experience.  Carl is clearly not serious about being a surgeon, devoting most of his time to maintaining that massive 1980’s mullet.

Carl blows off the first stiff as being too difficult, the second stiff as being too smelly, and the third stiff — well he is pretty interested in the third stiff, as am I.  It is a beautiful blonde naked on the gurney.

As they are examining her, she suddenly jumps up and begins strangling Marty.  Other stiffs in the morgue also come to life.  Turns out they are friends just throwing a surprise party for Marty.  He surprises, them by having a heart attack.  What a scamp!

BTW, the naked girl is Carl’s girlfriend acting out the standard horror trope where a guy is perfectly OK with his nekkid girlfriend participating in a prank, and the girl seems OK with it also.

In the present day, Carl has become a successful surgeon while Marty has toiled away as a researcher.  This is due to paralysis of one hand resulting from the heart attack.

Marty slips Carl a drug that induces a heart attack, and leaves him completely paralyzed.  Marty wheels him into the morgue where Marty had his heart attack.  They put him in the freezer, hanging on a meat hook.  Luckily, he has lost the sense of feeling so it’s not so bad.

The next day, we discover that Marty is teaching a class.  He shows the class how to take a saw to the skull and remove the top of his head.  Unable to speak or move, Carl is forced to endure this fully conscious.  Of course, it was all a ruse, payback.

These Fairbanks boys are just alike — this time Carl has a heart attack.

As Carl’s autopsy begins, he is conscious and screams silently to himself, “The sense of pain isn’t the first thing to go, it’s the LAAAAAST!”

Post-Post:

• Title Analysis:  See above.
• This is Jim Birge’s only writing credit.