Ray Bradbury Theater – The Dead Man (09/26/92)

bradbury02As Michael Corleone said, “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!

I was so happy to be through several episodes on the final fifth disc, and now the Bradbury Industrial Complex has randomly pushed me back to disc 4 for this episode. Sorry.

Miss Weldon (Louise Fletcher) is taking a bus to her new hometown when it almost hits one of the local bumpkins, nearly turning him into a speedbumpkin.  Some time later, the haggard man, Odd Martin, takes off his hat, places it on his chest and slowly lays flat in the gutter in front of the grocery store.

The police try to rouse him.  The sheriff and barber nudge him with their shoes, but he doesn’t move. They get some of the other rubes to lay him out on the sidewalk so, at least, he doesn’t take up a revenue producing metered space.

That night, Miss Weldon sees Odd Martin aimlessly shuffling down the street.  When she encounters him the next day, she tries to engage him in conversation about the kitten he is carrying to be drowned.  He claims to have been drowned once himself.  Yeeeeah, she offers to adopt the kitten.

The next day, the barber tells Miss Weldon the story of how a flood destroyed Martin’s farm 20 years ago.  He was missing for a while too.  Then he came walking out of the waters, claiming to have drowned, insisting that he was dead.  Again that night, she sees him shuffling like the living dead.

The routine continues with the townspeople lifting him out of the gutter the next morning, apparently a daily routine.  Miss Weldon wakes him up to give him some cologne “It helps keep you cool.”  I thought it was to take the stink off.

That night Miss Weldon asks Martin to walk her home.  Along the way she admires a dress in a store window.  Martin asks why she has taken an interest in him.  She says, “Because you are quiet.  And not loud and mean like the men at the barber shop.  I’ve had to fight for a scrap of respect there, but still they look right through me.  I’m like a window with no glass, not even a reflection.  I’m lonely.”rbtdeadman17

She tells Martin he should stop telling everyone he’s dead.  She says he’s “just half dead from the absence of a good woman.  What else could it be?”  You know, I’m not feeling so good myself.

He buys her the dress she admired in the window and brings it to her apartment.  He asks her to marry him.  The next day he strolls into the barbershop for a haircut and a shave.  Says he bought a small place for them just outside of town.

A neighbor boy sees them walking away that night, Odd in his suit and Miss Weldon in her new dress.  They go through a gate, and walk through a graveyard, and into a small mausoleum.  They enter and the crypt door slides shut.

rbtdeadman08Miss Weldon has spent a sheltered life taking care of an old mother who finally died, but casting Louise Fletcher was a mistake.  She plays it well, but she is too attractive to believe she would really have to lower her standards to a guy who sleeps in the gutter.

And even if she was half dead, as Odd was, due to loneliness — didn’t they have each other now?  Why the trip to the crypt which surely signified them both dying.  Were they both giving up just when they had found someone?  And where did he get the money to buy the dress?

Too many things just make no sense- — I rate this DOA.  It is well-performed, and well-directed, it just makes no sense.

Post-Post:

  • What small town barber has a woman manicuring all of the men getting haircuts?
  • And isn’t Korean?
  • In the short story, the men all give Odd Martin a bath in the back of the barber shop.  I think this was wisely trimmed from the screenplay.  Although it might explain why Miss Weldon couldn’t find a man in this town — they’re all getting manicures and bathing other men.
  • And why was he going to drown the kitten?  That wasn’t in the short story.
  • Otherwise, it is a pretty faithful adaptation except that Miss Weldon in the short story is not new in town — making it all the more unbelievable one of these dandies hadn’t ever hit on her; even if it were only for a beard — in a barber shop — oh the irony!

Ray Bradbury Theater – The Long Rain (09/19/92)

rbtlongrain01Screwed again.  One of Bradbury’s most famous stories and is it in “100 of His Most Celebrated Tales”?  It is not.

Four men crash on Venus, although they are traveling in a craft named Neptune; perhaps a wrong turn at Albuquerque.  But then, the Atlantis didn’t go to Atlantis; but Challenger on the other hand . . .  well, never mind.  Still too soon.

Venus, according to Bradbury science, is a tropical planet of non-stop rain.  Like Mars, the air is breathable.  The crew’s GPS tells them it is 8 miles to the nearest Sun-Dome. These are structures built so that travelers have a permanent warm, dry place to stay while visiting Venus, kind of a One-Seasons Hotel.

They make their way to the Sun Dome at about 1 mile an hour, not rbtlongrain03aexactly a breakneck pace considering the path seems pretty clear for them.  Hour by hour, mile by mile, the GPS calls out their progress.  Somehow, they end up right back at their ship like the time my goddamn GPS took me in circles for an hour trying to get in the DFW airport.  But I digress.

Going in a circle and ending up back at the ship makes sense if you are the dolts from The Blair Witch Project using a map (did they have a map?  Or did they have a compass, but not the brains to use it?  Or were they just staring at Heather’s ass instead of watching the terrain?).  But explorers using a GPS type of device?  That is a Prometheus-level of stupidity.

The men go a little crazy being lost in the non-stop rain.  Boltz destroys the GPS and drowns himself by swallowing the rain, Cooper opens himself up to be killed by lightning. Captain Trask and Simmons start out again for the Sun Dome.

Only an hour from the Sun Dome, Simmons gives up and they have a long argument. What’s strange is that in the shots of Trask, he is in pouring rain, but in shots of Simmons, it doesn’t seem to be raining at all.  This is the ultimate continuity error as it should be CONTINUOUSLY raining — that is the defining characteristic of Venus in the story, the constant maddening rain.

rbtlongrain10Only Trask is left to make it to the Sun Dome.  He makes it to the Dome and opens the doors to the warm, dry interior.  And then something happens. No, wait, nothing happens.  This might be the most pointless story in the series, and that’s saying something.

This episode is — ahem — awash with poor decisions.

rbtlongrain03Instead, in the original short story, the group begins falling apart when the first Sun Dome they reach has been destroyed by Venusians.  My guess is that this pivotal point was ruined by budgetary constraints — less effective, but much cheaper to just show the ship twice.

More could have been done with some men just breaking and staring up at the sky until they drown from the rain — an interesting idea that gets about 10 seconds here.

Similarly short shrift is given to the carnivorous plants.  If you die, they lasso your body and I presume drag you off somewhere to be eaten.  A few times when the men aren’t moving fast enough, the ivy wrapped it self around their ankles and they had to break free.  Fortunately this wasn’t directed by Sam Raimi.

rbtlongrain09

Oh my God, I’ve lose my entire crew in the last few — hey is that a sauna?

And what of that Sun Dome?  It is pretty clear that Trask makes it and enjoys a nice warm day at the spa.  A little ambiguity of his fate, or remorse for his men would have been welcome.

Post-Post:

  • Does anything ever get long shrift?

Ray Bradbury Theater – By the Numbers (09/11/92)

bradbury02We get a brief prologue of a drill sergeant shouting marching orders.  Well, he’s a drill sergeant that is wearing a t-shirt — maybe that happens, but we also get a glimpse of his white pants, which don’t strike me as standard issue.  And his soldier, which we see only in quick shots of body parts, freckles, and a rippling reflection in a pool is a young boy.  We’re not given enough data to know for sure what’s happening, but we can put the pieces together if we want to.  I initially thought this was a mess, but I’ve reconsidered.

rbtbythenumbers01Flash-forward 10 years.  A man on a train orders 2 martinis and tells the waiter that one is for him and one is for whoever might sit in the empty chair across from him, “It saves time.”

Because nothing entices a stranger, particularly a young lady, more than a pre-mixed, lukewarm drink with a soggy olive offered by a stranger.

The man sees another younger man come in and instinctively neaten a stack of linen napkins on a cart.  This brings memories back to the man who seems to have no name.  Fortuitously, the alcoholic car of the train is nearly full, so the young man takes the seat and is offered the martini.  He tells the young man that they met previously — 10 years ago on a hot summer afternoon in a Malibu hotel, by the swimming pool.

rbtbythenumbers02Back then, the boy had worked for his father managing a pool at a luxury hotel.  The father drills him with military precision, marking every second as he runs from task to task straightening stacks of towels, lining up chairs, collecting stray glasses.  While the father has a white shirt (sleeveless — generally the sign of an idiot) and long white pants, the 10 year old boy is wearing next-to-nothing, just a small blue Speedo.  This lends an air of creepiness to the episode that really is not part of the story.

Finally after all of the chores are completed at exactly 12:00:00:00, the boy runs to unlock the gate for the waiting guests — both of them — maybe it is off-season.  The boy unlocks the gate, is ordered ABOUT FACE and ordered to the edge of the pool where he is commanded to HALT.  The father turns and begins pumping some fairly unimpressive iron.  The man and his friend think it is inhuman that the boy can’t take a dip, but the boy has a smile on his face

rbtbythenumbers03The men tell the father that they think he is acting like an idiot. The father tells them that this is his turf.  He has an agreement with the hotel that their jurisdiction ends at the pool gate. Any dissent, and they will be removed “bodily.  I possess a Black Belt in Judo, Boxing, Rifle Marksmanship Certificates. Shake my hand and I’ll break your wrist, sneeze and I’ll crack your nose, one word and your dental surgeon will need 2 years just to reshape your smile.”  Apparently he has a similar jurisdictional agreement with the local police, attorneys and child protective services.

He’s not a monster, however.  He does give his boy time to frolic in the pool — 40 laps worth.  One of the men swims a few laps along side the boy, but can’t keep up.  After a break to serve a few drinks poolside, he is back in the pool.  Again, this is very creepy. Outside of Thailand, who wants to be served alcoholic drinks by an almost naked 10 year old boy?

rbtbythenumbers04The guy’s friend, mustache-guy (because no one has names in this story) predicts that one day the boy will murder his father. That’s why he invited his friend writer-guy to this luxury hotel — maybe this scenario will relieve his writer’s block; or maybe a little shoulder massage is worth a try, too.

Once the pool closes, the father orders the boy to stand at the edge of the pool for an hour.  The father leaves his watch on a towel and tells the boy to consider that the watch is him standing there.  When he returns, now dark, the boy is still at attention.  When the father picks up the towel and the watch falls in the water, the helpful son dives in without permission to get it.  His father merely says, “Waterproof,” smacks him up side his noggin and gives him demerits.

It finally ends when the father finds a used towel after the boy had cleaned the area.  He irately orders his son to stand at the edge of the pool and not move for an hour.  Then dear old dad trips over the towel and falls in.  Turns out dad can’t swim, and is now screaming for help.  He had tricked the boy before and punished him — see the watch incident, for one — so the boy is waiting for an “AT EASE.” before he dares to move.

rbtbythenumbers06The now-grown boy gets up, and heads back to his room.  He stops and sheds a single tear as he straightens the napkins again. Presumably, writer-guy comforts him by following him back to his berth as the last shot is the classic train going into a tunnel.

Interesting little slice of a weird life episode.  But for god sake, get the kid a real bathing suit next time.  Maybe even a shirt when he is serving the guests.  Does the Health Department not have jurisdiction here, either?

Post-Post:

  • Mustache guy was named Sid.
  • Very few deviations from the short story, although framed slightly differently on the train.

 

Ray Bradbury Theater – The Anthem Sprinters (08/21/92)

Image 001This one is 3rd from the bottom on the always-suspect IMDb ratings. Tyrannosaurus Rex had its moments (grading on the RBT scale, of course), and Exorcism was almost, but not completely, without merit. This episode though . . .

Several previous episodes have been curiosities because they were made by directors with no other credits. This episode is unique in that the director does not even have this credit to his name.  No director is credited, not even Alan Smithee.

American writer Douglas (no first name, just like the director) is browsing through an Irish used bookstore.  “Douglas is the name and writer I am,” he says to himself. Sounds kind of Yoda-like — maybe George Lucas directed it.  Naw, shame never caused him to remove his name from the credits.

Image 002He stumbles across a 1916 first edition of Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce.  He is pretty careless with the book considering it goes for about £20,000 these days.  He is reading it as he leaves the store, running into a local drunk (just an assumption on my part).

The drunk — Doone — drags Douglas to a pub which he describes as a theater.  It also happens to be across the street from a real theater — a real old theater as it is showing a Deanna Durbin joint.

Douglas says that he has noticed in theaters that the movie is always followed by a playing of the Irish National Anthem.  He also noticed that it is a race to get out of the theater between the end of the film and the beginning of the anthem by certain goofballs known as Anthem Sprinters.

Image 008A race is set up with some pretty steep stakes — the James Joyce 1st edition vs a Program signed by Sean O’Casey.  Douglas foolishly bets on the dark horse, who does not emerge from the theater.  They find him still in his seat with a tear in his eye for the songs in the movie.

The race is restaged, but this time none of the old drunks move as they are in tears at the anthem.

I don’t get it at all.  Is it some sort of commentary on English / Irish relations?

Post-Post:

  • Doone was memorable playing a monk on an episode of The Odd Couple 21 years earlier.  However, I’ll forget this role before dinner.

Ray Bradbury Theater – Tomorrow’s Child (08/14/92)

rbttomorrowschild03Wow.  Just wow.  This one is like the 12:55 sketches from 1970’s SNL, or the set-up for an improv team, or a bit of Théâtre de l’Absurde. Actually, this episode would be a better definition for that  phrase than the one that is in the dictionary.

And not just because it stars Carol Kane.

Polly and Peter are in a self-driving hovercraft on the way to the hospital for Polly to have their child.  Peter, clearly having missed The Demon Seed, says they’ll be home in six hours as these new birthing machines do everything but father the child.

A lot of this seems very much like Star Trek.  The method used to birth the baby is basically a transporter to beam the baby out.  While sitting in the waiting room, Peter orders “Tea, Earl Gray, Hot” from a food replicator.  OK, actually he orders coffee, which the machine screws up, but at least doesn’t write Race Together on the cup.  If this institution can’t get Mr. Coffee working right, my confidence in Dr. OBGYN would not be high.  And for the love of God don’t give them the research grant for Mr. Fusion.

rbttomorrowschild06Soon, the doctor comes to see Peter in the waiting room.  Polly is fine, but he asks Peter to follow him.  The surgical team is gathered around the baby.  Congratulations, Mr. Horn, it’s a . . . pyramid.  In the course of beaming out the babies, on rare occasions, a baby is beamed out of the womb, right the f*** into the 4th dimension!

Of course, Peter is as furious as Michael Sarrazin’s limited acting range is able to convey, but the doctor assures him that this pyramid is his child, alive and well.  We in the three dimensional world are just unable to perceive the extra dimension.  Polly enters the room and sees the pyramid.  She is freaked out at first, but her maternal instinct takes over and she accepts that this is her healthy baby.  I can’t stress enough: All of this is played out 100% seriously.

Kane says she will wait for the technology that enables the doctor to truly birth the baby — who she has named Py — back into our dimension.  Back at home, she very calmly and optimistically tells Peter that she will give this 6 months, then kill herself. I don’t know if that line is supposed to be funny or sad, but it is delivered sincerely and perfectly by Carol Kane.

rbttomorrowschild09The doctors repeatedly try to bring Py back into our dimension, but are unsuccessful. Polly starts drinking; can’t do any harm now (well maybe to her liver). But Polly wants to see her baby. Finally the doctors offer another solution.

The doctor can replicate the machine error that launched the baby into the 4th dimension, and transport Peter and Polly there to be with him. They would see no change in themselves, but they would see Py as a real baby.  To our world they would appear as geometric shapes, obelisks, the doctor suggests.

Sounds like a great idea to Polly, but it takes some time for Peter to agree.  The doctor transports them into the 4th dimension where they can finally be with their baby who hasn’t been bathed, changed or — more importantly — fed in weeks.  The doctor was correct as the family now appears as two obelisks and a small pyramid in the lab.

This episode is so dedicated to its bizarre premise, that it might be my favorite.  I can’t imagine another show tackling this story.  It was worth sitting through 47 episodes to see this . . . well, let’s not get crazy.

rbttomorrowschild10Post-Post:

  • The doctor seems pretty blase about working with the 4th dimension.  Shouldn’t NASA — or more likely China or India — be consulted on this?
  • They aren’t proper obelisks because they don’t have the little pyramid penthouse which would have actually made a tiny bit of sense.  Also a little too much angle to the taper.