Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Design for Loving (11/09/58)

Charles Brailing is growing annoyed watching his wife play with a set of magic rings. Nothing so bold as presenting them as only intermittently interlocking — no, she’s just spinning the damn things like an idiot.

He calls his pal Tom. Tom’s wife Anne is playing kissy-face with her oblivious husband and refuses to hand over the phone as it is Tom’s night to stay home with her.  Charles tries to engage his wife in conversation, but she is not interested.  He suggests a vacation, but that somehow turns into her snapping at him for them having no children.

He takes her hands and she gasps as if something a little more intimate occurred.  She is astounded because he “hasn’t done that in years.”  She recalls a time when he once kissed her hand.  The lack of children is starting to make sense.  She gets on her knees and says she’ll go on a trip with him if he will only kiss her hand again.  Apparently that price is too stiff for Charles.  Or maybe he isn’t stiff enough.

Charles manages to get Tom on the phone and they agree to meet.  Lydia tells him to be home in 10 minutes.  Charles sneaks down to their basement and laments that he “gave her a chance.”

We cut to Tom & Charles stumbling out of a bar.  Charles complains that Tom’s wife doesn’t want him to go out because she loves him; and his wife doesn’t want him to go out because she hates him.  It’s a pithy line, but Charles clearly doesn’t have any idea what women want.  Not that Lydia is making it easy — she is alternately accusatory, frigidly cold, and pathetically needy. Charles makes the bizarre claim that he is at home with his wife as they are standing outside the bar.  Tom is drunk enough to take the bet. In easily the best moment of the episode, they stuff the ante into a lawn jockey’s hand for safe-keeping.

Sure enough, they look in the window and Charles appears to be inside with his wife. Charles II really knows how to light Lydia’s fire as they are both dressed in snappy outfits, playing chess.  Charles blows a whistle and the other Charles comes outside. Charles shows Tom a card from Marionette Inc which created a robot in his image. They card says he is a 1965 model [1], which is a very optimistic 7 years in the future.

Tom claims not to be able to tell them apart even though Charles II, made to his specifications, seems to have about 4 inches on Charles I.  I suspect Lydia would be thinking the same thing.  Charles I announces his intention to fly to Rio for some fun while the iron man services Lydia.  Say, maybe he does know what women want.

ahpdesing17Tom thinks this is a swell idea. But when he goes home, he is horrified to discover that his wife has beaten him to the punch and replaced herself with a robot.

Charles bought his robot to give Lydia a companion while he flew off to Rio and later, I suspect, Thailand. That plan could work, but Anne bought her robot to leave with her husband who didn’t appreciate her smothering him. She’s just going to end up annoying some other poor sap.  So her problem is not really solved.

Back at the Brailing house, Lydia starts to come on to Charles II, so Charles I literally blows the whistle and summons him back to the basement.

Charles II says he doesn’t like his box in the basement because it is too cramped. Charles I wittily proposes relocating to a closet which I suspect he has some experience of living in.  Charles II ominously tells Charles I that they Marionettes are far more advanced than the company is aware.  Charles II grabs the Rio ticket and stuffs Charles I in the box.

Tom shows up that the Brailing house and tells Charles that his wife has replaced herself with a Marionette.  Charles II tells him these are strange times when strange machines are moving into our lives and taking over.  Strange days indeed.

ahpdesing23That night, Charles II brings Lydia a martini in bed where she is still playing with the rings.  Even Charles II is annoyed at this.  He kisses her hand and takes the airline ticket out of his pocket.  He places it on the nightstand for reasons unknown.  Is he going to now take Lydia to Rio? Then how to explain the single ticket? Has he decided to cancel the trip and stay happily with Lydia?  Then he better not let her see that ticket or it will not be so happy.

There is an imbalance here that might have required an hour to remedy.  Tom and Charles are in the same situation, trapped — in their eyes — with an incompatible, annoying wife.  However, it is Tom and Lydia that will benefit from the new robots.  They will both be happier despite having been deserted by a spouse and being out $15,000 in 1965 (or 1985) dollars.  Or maybe that lack of symmetry is the point.

Overall it is a fine story, just done in by some weak characterizations and a couple of married schlubs who think themselves superior and entitled due to mores that were out-dated even in 1958.  No, I’m thinking of the lawn jockey scene.

Post-Post:

  • [1] To be fair, when the card is shown, it says 1985.  Of course even in 2015 we have nothing like this technology.  That I’m aware of.
  • AHP Deathwatch:  If IMDb is to be believed, Norman Lloyd is 101 years old.
  • Title Analysis: All I can think of is that it was originally titled Designed for Loving and the ed got cut as being too suggestive.  Love really doesn’t play a role in the story.
  • Based on the same short story as the first episode of Ray Bradbury Theater. Luckily, I saw it years ago, thus did not need to rewatch it for this blog.  And I ain’t going back.  The story leaves it ambiguous as to whether Charles I or II is with Lydia.
  • Back at Tom’s house, we see a couple of signs of the future.  The light comes on automatically when he enters.  And there are faucets on the wall in the hallway to dispense coffee and orange juice.  Are these public utilities now?  Has “Big Beverage” bought off the local government?

 

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The $2,000,000 Defense (11/02/58)

ahp20000005Lloyd Ashley (Leslie Nielsen) is on the witness stand being asked if he hired a private detective to snoop on his wife.  He believes his wife was having an affair with his investment adviser.

He is also asked if he went to the adviser’s house and confronted him with a .32 caliber pistol.  Ashley does not deny any of this, but claims he just meant to frighten him. Unfortunately, the man lunged at Ashley, he dropped the gun, and it discharged when it hit the floor.  The next witness is a ballistics expert who testifies that a gun dropped on the floor would not discharge.

During a recess, Ashley offers his attorney, Mark Robeson, half his net worth if he can get him off by any means.  That would amount to to the titular $2,000,000.  Robeson wisely asks for the offer to be put in writing.

Back in his office, Robeson loads a pistol and slams it down on his desk to see if it will go off.  It does not, leaving him to earn his $2,000,000 fee by shooting himself in the arm.  Now he can get the ballistics expert back on the stand and use himself as an example of how slamming a pistol down can make it go off.

ahp20000004He further makes his case by giving the expert the loaded pistol and asking him to slam it to the ground.  When the expert refuses, the case is won.  If the gun will fire, you must . . . If the gun will discharge, you must . . . if the gun will go off, you must . . . . oh hell, just acquit already.

Back at Robeson’s office, he and Robeson toast the acquittal.  For some reason that I can’t figure out, Robeson has blank checks on Ashley’s account handy in his desk.  The man he shot was his investment adviser, Robeson is just his lawyer.  Whatever, Ashley happily signs a $2,000,000 check.

He then takes Robeson’s pistol out of his desk drawer and accuses him of also having an affair with his wife — Christ, what a tramp.

The private investigator who uncovered the first affair also discovered Ashley’s wife having an affair with Robeson.  BANG.

ahp20000001Post-Post:

  • AHP Deathwatch:  No survivors.
  • 22 years before Leslie Nielsen starting going for laughs in Airplane!.
  • The ballistics expert also played the father of Dennis the Menace.  I must be getting old — the moms in these old series are starting to look pretty good to me.
  • Hulu sucks.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Crooked Road (10/26/58)

ahpcrookedroad1Harry and Mrs. Adams are cruising down the highway when they close in a police car creeping along at 48. Hey, that doesn’t mean a MAXIMUM of 50, you idiots!  Oh, wait.  Rather than move at this glacial pace for 10 miles, Harry rockets past them at 57 MPH.

After a few seconds, the police car turns on the siren and pulls close behind them.  To be fair, Adams should have slowed and pulled over even if he didn’t think the siren tolled for thee.  The police car cuts them off, forcing the Adams family truckster onto some rocks.

I’m not sure Walter Matthau pulled off being a believable redneck southern sheriff, but he did create an awesome character.  He had the drawl, what we now call passive-aggressive language, the arrogance of power, small gestures, and an attitude guaranteed to infuriate anyone dealing with him.  Which is just playing into his hands.

ahpcrookedroad5Adams mouths off and Matthau orders him to follow the police car back to town.  Unfortunately, the Adams car is stuck on the rocks.  What luck, a tow truck shows up almost like this was planned.

Of course, the tow-truck driver doubles as a mechanic and both of them ream Adams on their services.  Then they are taken to the Justice of the Peace who doubles as the judge, and they both ream Adams on the fines and court costs.

However, in the end, justice is done.  I think the Justice of the Peace is also done; and his little sheriff too.

This was awesome, kind of a greatest hits package on both sides of the screen.  Although not directed by Hitchcock, it contains two of his recurring themes: fear of the police, and a man falsely accused.  Mixed with my own respect for the police but general disgust and distrust of the government, this created a science project Mt. Vesuvius for me.

ahpcrookedroad6At first I thought the beginning had been a cheat, but in reviewing it they were pretty slick on the dialogue. Kudos for not blatantly trying to trick the audience in the pre-VOD days. Also, at 39 episodes a year, how were there ever any reruns?

I rate this one 100 MPH.

 

Post-Post:

  • AHP Deathwatch:  The tow-truck driver is still with us.
  • Title Analysis: AHP doesn’t usually go in for the clever titles.  Well played on this one, however.
  • The IMDb Plot Summary refers to Matthau and also the entire town as corrupt rednecks.  Guess that’s still OK.
  • Hulu sucks.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Don’t Interrupt (10/12/58)

ahpdontinterrupt03The opening shot is of a speeding train and it isn’t going into a tunnel, so we know Alfred Hitchcock did not direct this episode.

Uber-obnoxious kid Johnny Templeton is stalking the hallways of the train, opening doors where hot college girls could be having naked pillow fights, and just generally being a nuisance.  And just how bloody wide is this train that not only has a hallway, but turns in it?

Johnny and his parents Mary (hey, it’s TV’s Cloris Leachman!) and Larry (hey, it’s that guy who played Larry once on AHP!) [1] make their way to the club car which is staffed by Scatman Crothers — with hair!  They are just in time to hear on the radio that a patient has escaped from the state mental hospital.  I think even after 30 seconds, everyone watching this is hoping he goes after the kid.

Turns out that Johnny has been suspended from school so maybe he has issues.  One thing he definitely has is a cool toy pistol that shoots peanuts that I would have loved as a kid, and maybe even now.  He just continues with one antic after another (can antic be singular?).  He is yapping, mixing up drinking glasses, yapping, stealing Mary’s goofy dead-fox wrap, yapping and pouring milk into an ashtray.  Also, running his yap.

ahpdontinterrupt09Dad sends him back to their room, but before he leaves, another man named Kilmer (Chill Wills) enters the club car.  He doesn’t like drinking alone and asks if he can join the Templetons.  Like any family with a small child, they welcome the booze-hound to join them.  He just boarded the train back where that mental patient escaped.  Kilmer claims to have been a cowboy for 20 years. Suddenly the train stops.

The conductor tells Mary that the generator is on the fritz, this being one of them generator trains what replaced diesel and steam.  Could Kilmer be the mental patient?  When he asks the bartender to put a head on his scotch, it makes me wonder.

Larry bribes his son with a shiny silver dollar that he can’t keep his yap shut for ten minutes while Kilmer tells a story.  Johnny is mighty tempted as he sees fingers clawing at the glass behind his mother.

ahpdontinterrupt10Despite some lapses, Johnny’s indulgent father gives him the dollar. After being warned by Kilmer to keep the dollar in a safe place, Johnny stows it in between his belt and his pants where it falls down almost immediately.  Scatman puts his foot on the dollar and bogarts it after the Templetons leave.

Well, I am utterly baffled by what the story is supposed to be here.  There is a great suspenseful set-piece to be had with the scenario we are given, but this just makes no sense.  The escaped mental patient is clawing at the window, but so what?  It’s not like he’s a man on the wing of a plane.  The train is stopped, for crying out loud — just go to the steps in between the cars!  What are you, mentally cha . . . oh, yeah.

And why did they feel the need to end the episode by having the black steward stealing from the white kid?  The race thing doesn’t bother me as much as how much it is a total non-sequitur.  Focus, people!

Post-Post:

  • [1] In fairness, Biff McGuire had a great career.
  • AHP Deathwatch:  Biff McGuire and Cloris Leachman are still alive, sadly outliving their obnoxious TV son by 7 years so far.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Little White Frock (06/29/58)

ahpwhitefrock01My first inclination was to post a JPG of the old Monopoly Free Parking tile and close up shop for the day.  I always knew I’d get to an episode of something that was so mind-numbing that I just couldn’t go on — I just thought it would part of Ray Bradbury Theater.

Flipping around the whopping — if you were lucky — TWO other channels the Sunday night this aired, you could have turned to the Dinah Shore show on NBC, or The All-American Football Game of the Week on ABC.  Strangely, the football game only had a 30 minute time slot; even at that, it must have been about 20 minutes of guys standing around.  Most worthless game ever.  But still more interesting that this CBS AHP POS.

Been unseasonably warm this year, hasn’t it . . . oh, hell I might as well get on with it.

Writer Adam Longsworth and director Nofirstname Robinson are auditioning actors for their new play.  They are starting starting to wonder if they will ever find the right actor for the 2nd lead.  Their anxiety is understandable as the old guy on-stage is the 1950’s version of Bill Paxton.

ahpwhitefrock03They retire to their gentleman’s club for a drink and to meet with their friend Koslow to discuss casting alternatives.  As they dismiss actor after actor, Colin Bragner approaches them.  He is a bit of a has-been, but was well regarded back in the day. He invites Longsworth and his wife to dinner, but Longsworth declines.

The two big-shots are dismissive of Bragner because of his age — but they should be dismissive because he is a bore.  And they should know because these are two most brutally boring characters I’ve encountered in almost 500 posts.  Sadly, their performances are not elevated by the dreary and infrequent score and leaden direction.  This is a rock.  An island.

When Longsworth arrives home, he finds that Bragner has tricked his wife into accepting his invitation to dinner.  He mansplains to his wife that it is just a ruse for Bragner to get cast in his new play.  He says that Bragner’s style is passe, that modern audiences wouldn’t accept him.  Longsworth warns his wife that Bragner’s place is probably filled with “scrapbooks, faded reviews and brass spittoons.”  Wait, what?

ahpwhitefrock06His wife is a little more sympathetic and reminds her husband how they were broke themselves just three years ago.  So they go.

Bragner pours the wine and gives an interminable toast which is merely a hint of the soul-crushing monologue to come.  He assures the Longsworths that he did not invite them just to weasel his way into the new play.  He invited them to announce his retirement.

He picks up the titular white frock and begins telling them the story of Lila Gordon.  He and another actor named Terry had the hots for her.  Bragner proposed, but she rejected him, possibly because he was costumed like Ming the Merciless at the time.  He told Terry that it is him that Lila wants, so Terry went to Lila to propose.  If that isn’t bad enough, the lucky son-of-a-bitch inherited millions of dollars and bought a New York penthouse.  Before Terry got a chance to marry Lila, he met a younger babe named Annabelle and married her.  Terry ended up being killed in a mugging, but he and Annabelle produced a daughter named Jeanie.  Lila took an interest in Terry & Annabelle’s daughter.

ahpwhitefrock08When Jeanie was 10 years old, Lila summoned Bragner and he came so quickly he still had the operatic clown tears on his face.  Lila asked him to take a dress to Annabelle.  Jeanie is a spoiled brat and throws it on the floor.  When he went back to Lila, she was dead.

Bragner’s maid enters and says the dress belongs to her niece.  The Longsworths realize this has been one long audition.

With the exception of Julie Adams, this was the most boring group of people I have ever seen.

Post-Post: