Tales from the Crypt – Staired in Horror (12/14/94)

Clyde, like all guys named Clyde, is a criminal.  Being chased by guys with dogs, he runs to the door of an old gothic mansion deep down in Louisiana close to New Orleans. Although, to be fair, he started in Louisiana, so that part is no big deal.

An old woman lets him in.  He says the sheriff is after him for fooling around with his young daughter.  In no time, the sheriff is at the door with a different story.  He says Clyde “is a killer.  He preys on old people like yourself!”  Strange things were afoot at the Circle-K and a man died after a fight with Clyde.

This one hinges completely on the twist, so I hate to give it away.  The gothic setting is entirely irrelevant — the episode could have taken place anywhere.  I’m no judge of accents, but Rachel Ticotin seem to pull it off much better than D.B. Sweeney.  There really is no plot, but more of a device.  And it is a good one, but a little obscured by the trappings.

A few minutes into the episode, it seemed obvious where it was going.  I was baffled why Teller (of Penn & Teller) would have been involved in such a mundane story.  But it became perfectly clear as the episode went on.  There is a trick, a gag, a prop — there is probably a magic term for it — a McGuffin?  used that sits right in the middle of those titular stairs.  It put an unexpected twist on what seemed to be an old story.  That is Penn & Teller in a nutshell.  Then that narrative is completely subverted by a surprise ending.

Sadly, although Rachel Ticotin and R. Lee Ermey in a cameo are very good, the setting and accents just didn’t land for me.  Also, making Clyde a killer was pointless.  The off-screen murder was not emphasized enough to make me want to see Clyde killed for it.  The ending didn’t have the irony that would have existed if he was just fooling around with the sheriff’s young daughter.  But maybe death would have been too harsh a comeuppance for that crime.  Depends on how young, I guess.

However, the twist employed is so interesting that I am still thinking about it.  Rachel’s explanation of it accompanied by illustrations along the stairway in oil and other viscous liquids is also clever.  It’s too bad the opening TFTC Magazine cover gives away part of the surprise.

Footnotes:

  • Rachel Ticotin had the funniest line in Total Recall.  The original, not the remake which was ruined, like every movie with Colin Farrell’s presence, by Colin Farrell’s presence.

 

Outer Limits – Blank Slate (04/02/99)

A guy is running down an alley, being chased by two guys in trench coats.  In a great visual, he hides out among a bunch of mannequins like ____(actor)____ in ______(TV Show)______ .

Sorry for the Mad Libs.  I wish I knew a reference to insert there, but TV has become unwatchable for just that reason.  Does every f***’in’ guy on TV have to be uniformly perfect mannequin?  They are indistinguishable with their perfect salon haircuts, 3 days perfect stubble, blinding teeth, perfectly flat stomach, 3% body fat, still somehow too-small jackets, and wooden personalities.  I have bailed on the last few series I attempted because the guys are indistinguishable.  Arrow: just creepy.  Hey Manifest, I tried; I could not keep the male characters straight even when they were literally different races.  Designated Survivor, ditto. [2]  Timeless, you’re trying my patience (although that guy does seem to have talent beyond his looks).

But I digress.  It is a fun shot of him hiding behind the bin of mannequins, with their smooth white limbs pointing in all directions.  Kudos to Lou Diamond Phillips who directed this episode.

Tom Cooper stumbles into a homeless shelter.  He is carrying a box that he says contains all his memories.  His credibility on that point is pretty iffy as he immediately has a flashback about escaping from a facility.  He opens the box and takes out a fabulously-designed injector.  He plunges it in into his neck which either leaves a scar or gives him impetigo; it’s a nasty mark.

Memories come flooding back to him, mostly from his childhood.  Social worker Hope Wilson drives him to his childhood home.  When gets there, the house is gone and there is a sign announcing 6 luxury condos being built, so that must have been some house.

Cooper forgets to zip up after taking a whiz, so he injects another vial of memory juice.  The first one hurt, but this one inflicts immense pain.  He screams in agony and Hope freaks out that she can’t help.  This is another great scene which, unfortunately, highlights how blah the rest of the episode is.  Two more guys in trench coats show up, so Cooper and Hope beat it back to her place and have the sex.

After the 3rd injection in the episode, 4th if you count the sex, Cooper remembers he is a doctor — Chist, there’ll be no living with him now.  And is, oh yeah, married.  The shelter calls [1] and tells Hope the trench coat guys came by and said Cooper was psychotic.  They trace the call and go to her house.

After a 4th injection, Hope and Cooper go to the facility he escaped from.  He realizes that he invented the memory-wiping procedure.  It started honorably enough as he was looking for a way to forget the rape and murder of his wife.  Then they started testing it on homeless people.

Cooper destroys the final vial so that he will not return in full to the asshole he was before all this.  Accepting himself at only 80% restored so that he will be a better man is pretty clever; however, the episode doesn’t end there.  It is arguable whether the final scene is necessary.  In mulling over which ending was better, I decided that adding the final twist gave the episode a darker, more ironic feel.  Not including it would have resulted in a 1980s Twilight Zone feel-good ending.  So that settled, as they say, that.

An OK episode elevated by great performances, fine direction and those very cool injectors.

Footnotes:

  • [1] Technically, a guy from the shelter. It is the same dude who showed Mulder the bleeping dead alien.
  • [2] Except Keifer Sutherland.  But even he insists on wearing a suit a size too small to show off his zero-fat bod.  He comes off looking more like Tobias when dressed in Maebe’s suit.
  • Robbie Chong (Hope) is Rae Dawn Chong’s sister.  Why didn’t Outer Limits just cast Rae again?  That’s not a criticism of Robbie, who was very good here. I would also say to anyone who cast Meryl Streep in the 80s: “Hey you should have gotten Rae Dawn Chong!”
  • Hope’s cute answering machine greeting:  “If you’re looking for Hope, you’re not alone.”

Science Fiction Theatre – Signals from the Heart (04/06/56)

What the?  I have stumbled unwittingly into the second season.  For budgetary reasons, they switched to black & white.  Ya know, it’s easy to make funny jokes at this show’s expense even if there is no evidence of that here.  I bought a book about the series and now have more sympathy for what they were trying to do and the limitations they worked under.

“This is an electrocardiogram,” the narrator tells us while fortuitously showing a picture of an electrocardiogram.  Mechanic Warren Stark is working on a Volkswagen — no wait, he’s a doctor working on a big fat guy lying on his back.  Dr. Stark tells the the patient, Tom Horton, that his EKG looks fine, but that he might want to keep an eye on those brake pads.  And WTF decided the abbreviation for electrocardiogram should be EKG?

Dr. Stark warns Horton that his EKG might look fine, but that is while lying down in a comfortable office.  On his job as a cop, pounding a beat, it might be different.  Then his hatchet-faced wife chimes in, nagging him about retiring.  Although being at home with this shrew is not the Rx for a long life either — his or hers.

The next day there is a massive train derailment.  The District Attorney and head of the State Insurance Company visit Dr. Stark.  They tell Dr. Stark that the engineer was a patient of his.  The man died of a heart attack and caused the massive crash.  The autopsy showed the engineer had a bad heart, yet just a week before Dr. Stark and given him a clean bill of health.

Stark again uses the “in the office” excuse.  He says the engineer’s EKG looked fine in the office but could not possibly reproduce the stressful environment on a train.  After all, the strain of having a union job, a bottomless pension, generous healthcare, and the responsibility of guiding a beast which rides on unmovable steel rails to an inevitable destination simply cannot be duplicated in an office.

Stark gets a call from his wife.  Journalists are saying the train crash was his fault after finding no possible way to blame it on 10 year old Donald Trump.  They say “he passed the engineer without giving him a thorough examination.”  The two men tell Stark that a coroner’s jury will determine his guilt in the deaths of 24 passengers.  He could be charged with “malpractice, criminal negligence or even manslaughter.”  The jury finds him not guilty, but his reputation is shot.

That night, while he is checking the want-ads, his son asks for help with his homework about the weather.  Junior wants to know, “How do they make the forecasts so accurate,” so he is no brainiac either.  Dr. Stark describes how a system of high altitude weather balloons, telemetry, historical data, complex models, and high school graduate celebrities are able predict a blizzard everywhere Al Gore goes to lecture, and 20 out of the last 3 hurricanes.  That gives Dr. Stark an idea.

He wonders if such telemetry could be broadcast from the heart.  He works all night on his idea and presents it to Dr. Tubor [1] in the morning.  It would be a radio-EKG broadcasting the titular signals from the heart to a central database.  Stark says they would “have a continual picture of his heart action at all times.  When he’s playing or working or arguing with his wife.  EVERYTHING!”  I don’t know about his patients, but I can hear Mark Zuckerberg’s heart palpitating from here.

The two men work for days to create the transmitters that could broadcast heart data.  Tom Horton stops by for another exam.  They decide to use him as a guinea pig (no police pun intended).  They remotely chart Horton’s EKG for 3 hours without a blip.  Suddenly there is a spike that indicates he is running.  And frankly, the escape of the young thug is the most exciting 10 seconds I’ve ever seen on this series.  Sadly, it is too exciting for Horton and he has a heart attack.

The police are unable to find Horton.  Despite being the world’s oldest uniformed beat cop, they have assigned him a large area of dark alleys.  Stark has the brilliant idea of calling the FCC although I don’t know who he expected to answer after 5 pm.  They are able to find Horton by triangulating in on his signals.  They save Horton and Stark is a hero!

Holy smoke does black & white make a difference!  This was one of the most enjoyable episodes despite a lackluster story.  Not only does the B&W look great, it also provides a comfort level.  The color episodes seemed like they were grasping for something that they just couldn’t reach.  With B&W, you just accept certain limitations because it is unmistakably from another era.

I don’t think anyone in 1956 would have felt the same way.  I’m sure this was seen as a step back.  Another show that show have stayed in black & white:  the 1960’s Lost in Space.  The Netflix remake should have been filmed in black & black so it could not be seen at all.

Footnotes:

  • [1] LOL.  Why would they give a character the hilarious name Dr. Tubor.  I think that’s the funniest thing I’ve seen all day.  I know it’s the funniest thing you’ve seen.
  • But it’s still better than Toomer.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Letter of Credit (06/19/60)

So the train pulls into the station.  For some reason Henry Taylor is hanging his head out of the stairway like a dog in a car.  Why would he be doing that?  He doesn’t jump off before the train comes to a complete stop, so he isn’t in a hurry.  No one is chasing him.  He risks losing his fabulous fedora (and maybe his head as in Hereditary).  So why?

He asks the world’s oldest station master if any other strange men have come through lately; men who strangely hang their heads out of trains, I guess.   He slips the porter $20 and tells the old man to call him at the Grand Hotel if any strange guys show up at the train station — a bribe known in the train business as a “Kevin Spacey.”

Henry walks to the Kirkland Mercantile Bank, and we see that he has a gun.  He asks to see the bank president, William Spengler.  Henry pulls out a Letter of Credit and says he would like to deposit it, so I don’t think either of these guys knows what a Letter of Credit is.  He is in town researching a book on unsolved crimes.

Arnold Mathias was just killed while escaping from prison with his cellie Thomas Henry.  Mathias had worked at the bank 3 years ago.  He was hired by Spengler’s father-in-law, founder of the bank, over Spengler’s objections about his juvenile record (oddly, as a token gringo in Menudo).  After the old man’s stroke prompted his retirement, Spengler kept Mathias on because he had been a good employee.

Then in 1957, a construction company transferred $500,000 to the bank from their St. Louis branch to cover payroll on the flood control dam at the basin (kudos on the attention to detail here).  Holy crap, that’s a lot of cash for the local economy — $4.5M in 2018 dollars!  Well maybe not if you are Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.  How many f***ing guys are working on this thing?  Are they being paid in cash?  Are they using $1,000 bills to plug the leaks?  Is the mayor building a new house with a basketball court and swimming pool?  Did he buy a Maserati?  Did he join Scientology?  Did his wife go missing?

A few months later, Spengler got a call that his wife had suffered a heart attack.  He went to his car to go home, but it wouldn’t start.  He went back inside and said to Mathias, “I can’t get my car started, can you give me a push?” The next morning, it was discovered that the construction company’s remaining $200,000 was missing.  Despite being defended by the best attorney in the state, Mathias was convicted of the theft.  Henry reminds Spengler that the loot was never recovered.

What follows is Henry dismantling Spengler’s story with Columbo-like precision.  Both men give excellent performances, but much credit goes to the person who cast them.

“Henry Taylor” led Spengler to believe he was Mathis’s cellmate, escaped convict Thomas Henry.  After Spengler confesses, he reveals that he is really a prison guard named Henry Taylor Louden.  I get that he cleverly used the name Henry to plant the seed that he was Thomas Henry, but isn’t it just silly that Henry is his real name too?

Really, there was no name on the Letter of Credit?  Spengler’s father-in-law is right — he is a boob.  Is this like those bearer bonds at Nakatomi Plaza that somehow could never be traced or voided?

What was the point of the model sailboat in Spengler’s office?  Louden seems to know that Spengler had never removed the cash from the bank.  I guess Spengler could have bought it as a reminder of his retirement the way I keep cans of cat food and a refrigerator carton.

Louden reveals that he is the prison guard who shot Mathias.  I don’t know if that is a great motive for his quest to establish Mathias’s innocence.  What he is effectively doing is making sure he shot an innocent man.  Most people would want to prove they shot someone who deserved it.

Louden does a fine job of nailing Spengler, but he is a prison guard, not a cop.  Will the police believe him?  Wouldn’t this all be dismissed as hearsay [1] in court?

It was established earlier that one of the best defense attorneys in the state is a life-long friend of Spengler.  He’ll never go to prison unless he tries to steal back his Heisman Trophy.

Despite all that belly-aching, it was a good episode.

Footnotes:

  • [1] Who approved this word for release?  I get that it literally describes the basic act of you say something and I hear it.  But it is in the wrong order. I can’t hear it before you say it.  And WTF asked you anyway?
  • AHP Deathwatch:  No survivors.

Twilight Zone – The Wall (02/25/89)

An agrarian society on the other side of a mysterious portal which is being secretly researched by the military.  Night Visions knew what to do with that premise — an awesome episode entitled A View Through the Window.  Twilight Zone once again drops the ball to create a feel-good episode.  They don’t even get the title right.  The Wall?  How about The Gate, The Portal, The Doorway, The Window, Das Fenster?  It’s not about a freakin’ wall!

Major Alex McAndrews is escorted to an underground facility.  We know it is Top Secret because it uses facial recognition technology.  It is either very good or very bad because it allows John Beck without a moustache, and I have never seen him without a moustache.  Some people, you just expect to have hair on their upper lip, like John Beck, Tom Selleck, Joy Behar.

He meets with General Slater.  Not to get all Cinema Sins, but does it makes sense that he is wearing a 1st Cavalry Division patch?  I mean, I know they don’t still fight on horses, but how did their mission evolve into manning underground bunkers?  But it’s still a cool patch, so I’m deducting one sin.  Gnib.

Slater says two months ago, this facility was a particle physics lab, nothing unusual.  During a wormhole experiment, there was an explosion and they discovered this phenomenon.  They put on some welding goggles and Slater opens the vault door.  The awe-stricken McAndrews gasps. “My God!”, even though all he can really see is a bright light.  Slater says they brought in top scientists from all over the place — Cornell, NASA, JPL — but they are baffled by the quantum fluctuations, the gravitational anomalies, and talking to girls.

This gateway is being held open by equipment that somehow survived a blast that punched a hole into another dimension, but they don’t really know how it works.  Or how to turn it back on if someone spills coffee on it.  The military wants McAndrews to go through the gate and report on what is on the other side.  He is a former test-pilot, so they naturally figure he is the best guy to explore a subterranean hole in the ground.

He is not the first person to go through.  Slater shows him pictures of the people that have been sent through the gate and have not returned — a Mexican ( Emilio Perez), a Woman (Evelyn Marx), and an African-American (Henry Kincaid).  Draw your own conclusion there, I’m not touching it.  McAndrews has recently been given a desk job and his wife left him, so he volunteers to go in.

He is outfitted in a spacesuit and climbs through the gate.  He loses contact with the general within seconds and collapses.  He awakens in a wooded earth-like area, and finds one of his predecessor’s gloves.  He soon meets Captain Kincaid and a woman who appears to be Amish.  They take him into a farming community.  McAndrews asks, “What is this place?”  Kincaid answers, “Call it Heaven!” but I notice he’s stepping pretty gingerly through that cow pasture.

They meet with the other officers.  Lt. Perez is a navigational expert.  Again, the military decided this was the expertise needed by a guy going into a hole in the ground.  It worked out, though.  By studying the stars, he has determined that they are not on Earth or anywhere near it.

McAndrews figures out that Kincaid lied about them not being able to go back.  Kincaid admits it, saying that if they went back, the military would flood in and destroy this paradise.  I don’t disagree, but what the hell would they want there?  McAndrews, however, feels duty-bound to report his findings as ordered.  No wonder his wife left him.

McAndrews finds the gate and returns to the underground facility.  He reports that the other side is an agrarian society whose threat to national security is “nil”.  Of course, the military dweebs immediately begin planning an invasion.  McAndrews drops his major insignia on the floor (but only one, I notice) and walks back to the gate.

He destroys the equipment keeping the wormhole open, then jumps through.  I know he doesn’t want the military to follow, but this is all wrong.  First, how did he get back after first destroying the machine?  Second, this just sets up yet another TZ happy ending.  It would have made more sense dramatically for him to sacrifice himself to save the other society.  As is, we get a brief epilog to show that he made it back to this simple idyllic community for a happy life of polio, cholera, syphilis, and shitting in the woods.

Even though they Disneyed the ending, it was still a good episode.