Nurse 3D (2013)

nursecover01There’s a lot of goodness here, but it is loosely packed.

No time at all is wasted in introducing Abigail Russell.  She lures a married man up to the roof, and cuts his femoral artery.  She explains how she is actually doing his family a favor so they won’t have to tolerate his philandering shenanigans; then pitches him over the side.  The surreal shots of his plunge and vivid subsequent 3D-friendly impalement on an iron fence set the tone for the movie.

The setting is further emphasized by the credits which rock out grindhouse-style over pulp covers featuring drawings of the main cast.

Maybe (but only maybe) this not-quite-reality enables Paz de la Huerta to pull off her role.  Because in the harsh light of the real world, this is not a hot nurse.  Also, not much of an actress.  But ya know what?  In this movie, I was willing to accept her.

Everything about her is jarring.  Her line readings are as stilted as C. Walken, but to less effect.  Her body, though great, is certainly unusual in its angles and lankiness.  It is also specifically clothed (or not) to achieve a certain effect. Often slutty to the point that she would be arrested around decent folk; sometimes with nothing below the waist — still a rare enough sight in movies to change the vibe of a scene. Her face is like one of those sculptures that must be turned at a precise angle to cast a shadow of something entirely new — the beauty is there, but holy crap do you have to use precision instruments to find it.

Also clearly not from this world is Katrina Bowden playing Danni, a new nurse and Paz’s protege. She is beautiful in every way that Paz is not.  But she could never have played the titular Nurse 3D.

On her first day on the job, Danni freezes at the sight of a badly injured patient.  After getting chewed out by Judd Nelson, she goes to the shower for a good cry.  Sadly, all realism is forfeited in this scene by having Danni take a shower in her panties.  Another way she is the anti-Paz.

nurse01It soon becomes clear that Paz is on a crusade to rid the world of men who, like her father, are non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in her beloved reality.

This includes Danni’s psychiatrist step-father who they see out with another woman.  Abby quickly insinuates herself into his life as a patient.  She then seduces him by walking in front of his car in a very shear white dress (and frankly looking a little like a tranny).  Maybe he digs trannies — different strokes (weird, weird strokes), and they are soon making out in the car.  She then jabs him with a syringe to paralyze him.  Abby puts the car in reverse, bails, and lets it back slowly out of the cozy ally they had pulled into.  Fortuitously, a huge truck rams the car, killing him.

There is another murder that I won’t reveal.  OK, it was Bender.

Soon thereafter, Danni arrives at the hospital to stop Abby.  The film then really goes into full action mode, and also steps up the obvious 3D-whoring effects.  Lots of girlfighting, some interesting kills, maybe even a surprise.

The ending ultimately plays out a twist revealed earlier, and capitalizes on yet another over-the-top cartoonish character introduced earlier.  But, again, it worked for me in this hyper-world.  This is the only time you will see one of these here, as it actually relates to the final scene:

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Post-Post Leftovers:

  • Douglass Aarniokoski <> Darren Aronofsky.
  • It is strange the emphasis that is put on Abby’s vendetta against bad husbands & daddies for the first 2 kills, plus in a flashback to a formative trauma in her childhood.  After that motive is established, the film really forgets it and focuses on her obsession with Danni.
  • I have seen one of Aarniokoski’s other pictures — The Day.  I remember almost nothing, but gave it 3 stars on NetFlix.
  • Writer David Loughery was one of the writers on Star Trek V, so this is clearly a step up.  At least no one is singing “row, row, row, your boat.”  The life of a screenwriter must be bizarre.  He had some high-profile movies, a gap of 13 years, then a few more.
  • Trying to think where else I’ve see these kinds of purposely over-the-top performances.  So far, just coming up with Raising Arizona.  Anything else N. Cage did, I don’t think was on purpose.
  • In another scene later, she does it again!  C’mon!

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Juncture (2007)

Get used to this expression, because you’re going to be seeing a lot of it.juncture01

Maybe it’s not fair to criticize Kristine Blackport for her lack of expression.  Clint Eastwood had a great career based on based on a near-permanent scowl.  Unfortunately, Blackport lacks the gravitas to make this look iconic.  On the other hand, she is attractive enough, and snappy enough, whether in jeans or evening gown, to keep our attention.

She plays Anna Carter, Executive Director for the Lamont Foundation by day, and vigilante by night.  Sometimes also vigilante by day as she is quite the go-getter.  Like Bruce Wayne, she has a family tragedy from her childhood that propels her.  While she lacks the means of Wayne Enterprises, she does have a private jet at her disposal and pretty flexible hours.  She also has a secret — she has 3 months to live, and wants to make them count.  According to IMDb, this was to be the first part of a trilogy.  After 7 years, I’m not holding my breath, but it is a pretty good hook.

We first see Anna on the Golden Gate Bridge, and it is not clear if she is thinking about jumping; possibly even to herself.  But later on a park bench with the bridge still in view, she gets a tip on her first victim.  She tracks a child pornographer to his home and pulls a gun on him.  After dispatching him, she drives back across the bridge because they spent the money to go to San Fran, might as well squeeze 3 scenes out of it.  Oops, a 4th as she tosses the gun into the bay the next morning.

After some exposition of her life and job, she is off to Chicago; which we know because we see the Hancock Building.  In the tenements, where a young size-2 white chick in designer clothes with no track marks will blend right in,  she knocks off a drug-addicted mother whose neglect resulted in the death of her kids.

In Texas, she tracks a judge who got off easy on some DUI deaths.  Unfortunately the bartender who blows into the Judge’s car breathalyzer goes unpunished.  Anna tracks the Judge weaving his way home (or possibly to another bar).  After she forces the Judge off the road to a watery death in a nifty scene, she exhibits this burst of fury and remorse:juncture03judgelakeAgain, maybe unfair — that’s more genuine remorse than Ted Kennedy showed.  OK, I am too harsh as she does yelp on a roller coaster in the next scene.

Here she is holding a gun on a naughty CEO as she rips him a new one for dumping toxic chemicals which led to cancer deaths — as you can see, a passionate subject to her given her condition :junctures04cfogunpoint

And here about to blow away a priest:junctures05priestbelfryWhile there was a certain sameness to her performance, I actually did like her and liked the movie overall.  She was no superhero, and this brought some welcome realism to the genre.  It was a little somber, but there was some suspense, some action, some twists.  It had a little of a Lifetime / Hallmark / Death Wish vibe.  The ending, especially, owes a debt to the Charles Bronson movie.

If you’re looking for gore, this ain’t your pic — it really should have been rated PG-13.  Otherwise, a worthy addition to the revenge canon.

Post-Post Leftovers:

  • That’s it for Hulu — too many commercials.
  • Holy crap, does that director like the left side of the frame.
  • I counted the gunshots — there were only 15.
  • Her friend Chloe is a little flippant with the short-timer comments.
  • At no point do I see the titular juncture.

The Wolf Man (1941)

cover01I have been working my way through the Universal Classic Monsters Collection for a while.  All of these characters are iconic, and every American seems to have been born knowing them.  However, I realized that I could not recall seeing a single one of the full movies.

Certainly I’ve had the time — my God, the years, the years!  But also the minutes — so far they are all clocking in at the 70-75 minute mark.

More importantly, they are also similar in that their characters did not ask to be in this position and often command our sympathy.  They aren’t like Hitler waking up in the morning deciding to be evil.  Dracula was bitten by a bat, Franko & wife were sewn together by a mad doctor,  the Mummy was revived by an old old scroll, the Wolf Man was actually trying to save a woman from a wolf, and the Invisible Man . . . well, he worked for a pharmaceutical company, so the hell with him.

It is also surprising how little they are in their own movies.  The Bride only appears in the last couple of minutes, the Mummy loses the famous bandages almost immediately, and Frankenstein and Dracula both drag when their namesakes are too-often MIA.  The Wolf Man is also used sparingly.  In original drafts of the script, he was shown even less, it being left to the viewer whether he even existed. Maybe Universal was on to something, using the less-is-more technique it took Spielberg 20 years to rediscover (in another Universal joint).

Larry Talbott goes back to his family home for the first time in 18 years as his brother has fortuitously died in a hunting accident.  Due to the kind of crazy European thinking that leads Downton Abbey to near-calamity every season, he now stands to inherit the entire estate rather than approximately squat.  Thankfully, he had the good sense to be in America at the time, providing a firm alibi.

talbot01The Universal Monster pictures liked to use the same stock players and directors frequently.  Here we are seeing several actors from Dracula, The Invisible Man and The Mummy again.  No complaint on that except that no one could possibly believe Lon Chaney is the son of Claude Rains.  Was his childhood milkman possibly seven feet tall?

Now that dad acknowledges Larry’s existence again (since the first-born son — the preferred one, the “real” Talbot who should have carried on the family name and fortune — was tragically cut down in his prime) they get along well.  Dad takes him upstairs to the attic where he has installed a large telescope.  It is, apparently, a progenitor of Google Earth as it can also observe from street-level POV despite being in the top of a castle.  After Dad leaves the room, Larry like any good son, points the telescope in some chick’s bedroom window.  What a scamp.

Having been warped by his years in America, he then thinks the reasonable thing to do is to go to the woman’s job.  And tell her he want to buy earrings like the ones on the table in her bedroom.  He ends up buying a silver-handled cane, then commences some of the worst flirting every captured on film.  But it seems to work as he ends up going out with her and her friend Jenny that night.

Jenny has her palm read by a fortune teller played by Bela Lugosi.  Having been typecast as Dracula, he is now reclaiming his identity by playing a character also named Bela.  He sees a pentagram in Jenny’s palm which tells us that 1) she is doomed, and 2) Bela is a werewolf (as they are never called wolf men in the movie).  Bela scares her off, and she goes running into the woods.

Sure enough, Bela turns into a wolf, and pursues Jenny.  Her screams draw Larry who grabs the wolf and wrestles him to the ground.  He then uses the silver-handled can to beat it to death.  But not before he is bitten by the wolf.  It is never explained why Bela turns into a wolf, and Larry turns into a Wolf Man.

Jenny’s body is found, and Bela’s is nearby.  He has no shoes on, but is otherwise clothed.  Sadly we did not get a good enough look at the wolf to see if he was wearing clothes.  Larry’s cane is also found, making him a suspect

Larry sees Gwen and her boyfriend at the travelling show where a woman is dancing for the money they’d throw.  Fortunately the Gypsy dancing was not Maria Ouspenskaya, an ancient Gypsy woman who tells Larry the truth about Bela and himself.  She gives him a charm to stop him from going all wolfy.  Too bad she did not offer this to Bela during their eons together.

wolf01Larry should have hung on to the charm himself as he does turn into the titular Wolf Man that night.  And so the game is afoot.  A pretty hairy foot, as the transformation is shown to start from the toes and go up.

Another good entry from the Universal collection.  For a monster that was not rooted in literature, this movie firmly established the Wolf Man as one of the Mount Rushmore figures of horror.  This title is one of the better quality Blu-Rays in the collection.  Well-shot and atmospheric in its source, it is amazingly clean and grain-free.

Post-Post Leftovers:

  • Yes, I know the monster’s name was not Frankenstein.  Shut up.
  • The constable is played by Ralph Bellamy.  While most of these players never survived (literally) to the color era, he went on to be in many movies including major roles in Trading Places and Pretty Woman.
  • In IMDb, director George Waggner is credited on many projects as george waGGner.
  • The 2010 remake made Wolfman one word.  Who says Hollywood has no new ideas.

The Depraved (2011)

cover01Also known by the better, but oddly singular title Urban Explorer; on the other hand, The Depraved sounds oddly plural even though it’s really only one depraved guy.  The victims are mostly normal people that you don’t hate immediately — a rarity which earns this film an extra star immediately.

We start off with a few quick shots of Berlin that don’t really establish anything other than the location, and are strangely framed.  We see the Fernsehturm Berlin, the Brandenburg Gate, and one shot of some random graffiti (with a branch in the foreground that is, as an artistic choice, roughly equivalent to a boom mike in the frame).  We meet the first two explorers in a cafe with some really bizarre dialog:

Marie: Are you sending a love message to your boyfriend?  Juna (smiling):  My boyfriend?  He committed suicide.  Marie (concerned):  Suicide?  Juna:  I hope so!

Juna notices that Marie has a camera to document the night’s adventure.  To the relief of most viewers, it is not a hand-held video camera.  To the relief of Nikon, it is a Canon.  Juna grabs a waiter, plants one on him, and suggests that Marie take a photo to send to her boyfriend.  OK, you do kind of hate Juna immediately.

Next we meet Denis and Lucia sitting on top of an abandoned car, waiting for the others to join them.  Lucia is shocked, shocked that Denis did not tell her the other two were women.  Finally, their guide Dante arrives.  He leads them through a club to the portals of the underground.

selfie01For dubious reasons, everyone is going by a nickname.  Luckily the characters are few and distinct enough that it is easy to keep track of 1) real name, 2) nickname, and 3) nationality (as they are all from different places).  But having the Asian girl not be the one nicknamed Haiku is just tricky.

Dante is going to lead them to the Fahrerbunker where Hitler’s chauffeurs hung out.  He promises lots of interesting artifacts, wall-drawings and graffiti.  The government has sealed it off because they don’t want Neo-Nazis enshrining it.

There is a dust-up with a couple of musclekopfs that really amounts to nothing.  It does at least emphasize that there will be dangers other than rats, bats, eels and crumbing infrastructure.  Not sure how bats are getting into this sealed catacomb, but it was nice to see them.

During a rest break, Dante tells them about the Reichflugscheibe which is supposedly a spacecraft built by the Nazis.  Experiments were conducted on the crew.  They eventually went mad and turned on the doctors.  And some say they still roam these tunnels to this day . . . BWAH-HA-HA!!!  Dante actually seems to believe this as a reason for the extensive tunnel system.  It’s a German-thing, he explains.

naziart01After viewing the Nazi art collection & gift shop, they start back.  Dante is the last one across a thin metal beam crossing a chasm, looking like Indiana Jones in The Last Crusade.  Fortunately, the Grail Knight did not pop a flash in Indy’s face causing him to fall to certain death (although, he would have earned a place in heaven for sparing us Indy IV).  Sadly, Marie goes full-paparazzi, sending Dante south to the next level of Hell.

Marie and Juna go to get help as Lucia and Denis try to help Dante.  This where the fun would start in most movies, after slogging through 40 minutes of set-up.  But kudos here for making it so interesting up to this point with great atmospherics, a couple of chills and Nazi UFOs.

A new character drops in — literally — rappelling into the pit (because apparently everyone but me can rappel like Reinhold Meisner).  Naturally, he throws a scare into Denis & Lucia; when it appears to be Ron Perlman, he throws a scare into the audience.  This does not portend good things, but luckily it turns out to be Klaus Stiglmeier (who we hope is not known as the German Ron Perlman).

armin01Not-Ron-Perlman turns in a great creepy performance, capped by a stint as the least believable conductor in history.

The rest of the film plays out with twists, chases, suspense — everything you could hope for.  By now, it is almost impossible to come up with anything new.  It is enough to just just tell your story in the best way possible.  The Depraved pretty much pulls this off.  Recommended, just be prepared for Martyrs-like gore.

Post-Post Leftovers:

  • There are several DVD covers online under the original title, but only one has the plural.
  • Fernsehturm Berlin sounds impressive until you realize it is basically a TV antenna.  It ain’t the Burj Khalifa.
  • China, ahead of us again — now building new abandoned cities.
  • Ron Perlman seems like a good guy, but man, he is a bad movie barometer of Chevy Chasian proportions.
  • I had bookmarked a lot urban archaeology sites & posts over the years, and mostly never returned to them.  Ironically, I now find there is a large number of abandoned sites of the web-variety also . . .  fantasticdegradation.com, abandonedbutnotforgotten.com, historicdecay.com, and others.  RIP, see you soon!

Dead in 3 Days (2006)

cover01My goal is to post every day for 30 days.  But, like the Constitution, this ain’t a suicide pact.

This will be brief because I really lost interest early on and it never grabbed me again.  In fact, I’m writing the Ray Bradbury post while this is on.  I’ll just skip everything and move straight to the . . .

Post-Post Leftovers:

I must not have read any reviews before I put this in the queue because they were pretty bad.  Maybe I was reeled in based on the unique, one-of-a-kind cover.

 

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Screenwriting 101:  Really?  The Haas house?  Even worse, in the original German, it is the Haas Haus.Capturea

This should be the show.