Awaken the Dead (2007)

awakencover0320 movies for $5; what could possibly go wrong?  Part VI.

More ambitious than The Nurse, but not a success.

Awaken the Dead gets off to a good start with an interesting visual under the credits.  The camera races through a metropolitan area which has been flooded.  The cityscape is in black & white, and is animated or maybe rotoscoped.  This gives way to a few live color shots of an unflooded urban area.  This is the last we see of the flooding.  It is also the last decent cinematography we will see for a while.  For the next 90 minutes, the screen will be very grainy and frequently washed-out to the point of being monochrome.

awakenbegin02The “action” begins with a priest lying in bad with his arms out, crucifixion-style.  Just in case we don’t get it, he has a huge black cross tattooed on his back, and his name his Christopher Gideon.  In another part of the city, Mary Payne wakes up topless, but lying on her stomach, so she may as well be a nun.  Gideon has received a letter directing him to Mary’s house, where most of the movie will take place, to meet Mary’s father.

The film again taunts us by threatening to become good with the introduction of two Japanese schoolgirls.  They look up at a jet as if they had never seen one before and begin rubbing their eyes.  A few minutes later, after they are zombified, they disembowel a guy.  I’m still on board

awakengirls01

Amazingly, the YouTube version has a cleaner picture than the DVD. But I’m not sitting through it again to replace the screen-caps.

Gideon and Mary see out their windows that the world has been overrun by zombies, or at least their street.  Soon they are joined by a Jehovah’s Witness and a survivalist couple.

After the survivalist couple zombies-out, the priest goes outside guns-a-blazing.  I hesitate to include this pic lest it make this movie look good.

awakenguns01After this fight, Gideon is sporting an eye-patch, and looks a lot like the Governor from The Walking Dead.  The three remaining humans find a letter telling them to meet Mary’s father at an old church.

Mary’s father explains that this is a government operation testing a new weapon.  Buildings stay intact, no soldiers die, zombies kill everyone.  Shockingly, the government does not consider this a success, and kills him.  The same jets do another flyover, releasing a chemical which kills the zombies.

No cities were flooded in the making of this movie.

To recap:

  • Cinematography: Just dreadful.  I don’t even think it was incompetence or budget restraints; it was just terrible choices.
  • Acting: Mostly terrible.
  • Dialogue: Terrible, repetitive.
  • Make-Up: Really looked more like Insane Clown Posse than zombies.
  • Story: Adequate.  You don’t really need much for a good zombie movie.
  • Sound: Not well-recorded.  Sound does not get enough respect — in this, and many low-budget movies, expectations are lowered upon hearing the first word of dialogue.

I rate it a 4.

Post-Post Leftovers:

  • This was clearly a low-budget movie, yet it has a cast of 122 in IMDb.  Sure, 97 are list as “Zombie”, but you still have to feed them lunch.
  • There is a nice Dolly Zoom early on, but it just serves to show how dreary the direction is otherwise.
  • A 10% trim off the 1:41 running time would have helped.  Or a 90% trim might have left a pretty good short.
  • Also available on YouTube, but why would ya?awakencredit03

Byzantium (2013)

byzantiumcover01Watching this, I was reminded of Interview with the Vampire.  In atmosphere, but especially in story — a vampire telling his / her history,  cutting between present day and centuries before.  It was only later that I discovered both were directed by Neil Jordan.  The rarely-miscast Tom Cruise is replaced by Gemma Arterton; the always-miscast Kirsten Dunst is replaced by Saoirse Ronan.  If Jordan was trying to atone for past sins, he succeeded.

Eleanor (Saoirse Ronan) is a 16 going on 217 vampire who occasionally writes the story of her life, and tosses a page out the window, to the wind, to the sea.  This time, she sees an old codger pick one up.  Turns out he has collected enough of these pages to know her story.  Talk about a perfect match: he has lived a long, lonely life and is ready to die; she feeds only on those who wish to die.  Her thumbnail morphs into a raptor-like talon and everybody’s a winner.

Meanwhile Mom, also a vampire, has fled from the bar where she strips after a man recognizes her.  Wow, vampire strippers hate that, too?  After a nice foot-race through a grocery store, through a warehouse, and through the skylight of a mall, they somehow end up back at her place.  After making nice for about 30 seconds, she slices the man’s head off.  When Eleanor arrives home, they torch the place and head out.

byzantiumsao01Mother and daughter both meet guys that night.  The difference is Mom gets her man by offering “€50 for a blow and a €100 for a full whack.”  Eleanor gets her fella’s interest by playing the piano in a restaurant.  Although IMDb says Saoirse took a 12-week crash course in piano lessons, her fingers match the notes played like the lip-synching in a 1960’s chop-socky movie.

Mom hit the jackpot as her “client” Noel has inherited a hotel, the titular Byzantium, which will make quite the brothel.  She introduces Eleanor as her sister.  Woohoo!  In most guy’s minds, that would have also suggested a jackpot.  Noel doesn’t seem to be the horniest bulb on the tree, though.

Eleanor gives her new boyfriend Frank one of her biographical manuscripts.  He reads it and gives it to their teacher.  The teacher and a counselor are impressed by the story and the way it is written.  Such intelligent, independent thought can’t be tolerated in school, so they try to “save” her.  Which does not work out well.

Throughout the film, there are frequent flashbacks to the Napoleonic Wars which show how Mom got into “the business”, and how the she and Eleanor became vampires. Sadly, in those unenlightened days, girls were not allowed to join the vampire union.  The Brotherhood tolerates Mom’s existence only until she “breaks the code” by turning Eleanor into a vampire to save her life after being raped by a syphilitic soldier.  She also killed “one of their own” which does not sit well with the Brotherhood.

byzantiumgemma01Also throughout the movie, two men from the Brotherhood have been searching for our vampires.  Finally, they meet up with Eleanor and the school counselor.  The pace in the last 15 minutes really accelerates, and is satisfying on  all levels.

Byzantium is a slow, deliberate movie, but in a good way.  This pace is helped immensely by a great score.  If it had been written by the guy who worked on The Nurse, this film could have been deadly. It looks great, but none of the performances blew me away.  Eleanor’s boyfriend Frank was probably the stand-out.

I rate it a 8.

Post-Post Leftovers:

  • Written by Moira Buffini, who sounds like a French vampire slayer.
  • Vampire tropes:  Fangs (OK, a talon in this case), feeding on blood, enhanced strength, immortality, must be invited into a home.  However, they can walk in sunlight, do appear in mirrors, and are not room temperature (unless Mom slices their head off).
  • On at least two occasions, Eleanor actually tastes Frank’s blood, or nicks him and is tempted.  With him having leukemia, wouldn’t that be a problem?  I guess immortality trumps a mere blood disease.
  • Eleanor is attending college at 16 — what is she a genius?  Uh, wait, she is really over 200 years old — talk about a slow-learner.  Did she she take the short-carriage to school?
  • Features two actors who had significant recurring roles in Season 5 of Dexter.  Seems unlikely for that to be 1) coincidence, or 2) interesting to anyone except me.
  • Maybe the first time the two leads of an English language movie completely failed the spell-check: Gemma, Arterton, Saoirse, Ronan.
  • Pronounced Jemma and Sir-sha.
  • €100 = $135.byzantiummount02

Fantastic Voyage (1966)

fantasticintro01So here we are almost 50 years later.  We abandoned the moon, no flying cars, and no Combined Miniature Defense Force (CMDF).

In a brief, mostly dialog-free opening, cold war scientist Jan Benes gets off a plane and is met by an escort of G-Men.  For you youngsters, this is back when the bad guys were Russkis; not Brits and American white guys as Hollywood now educates us that all terrorists are.  They did not seem to be military as they were not wearing uniforms, but were wearing swell fedoras.

The motorcade is ambushed like every prisoner transport in the history of 24.  The G-Men are able to get Benes away, but he lies in a coma after taking a slug to the noggin.  This being the era of magic bullets, it seems to have left no blood or scar.

Stephen Boyd’s presence is “requested” by the government and he is taken to the least efficiently designed building on earth.  He is told to remain in the car as it is lowered on a hydraulic platform to an underground facility.  There is nowhere to drive the car down below, so it is pretty pointless to have this huge device.  They couldn’t just have Otis install a normal people-elevator?  Clearly Harry Reid Sr. had a relative in the lift business.

The building is so large that Boyd and most others take golf carts to their destinations.  We see almost no one walking, although we see an escalator in the background.  Maybe there is a fleet of golf carts at the bottom.  At one point, there is even an MP directing golf cart traffic.  Hey, CMDF, miniaturize this!

fantasticproteus04After Boyd is dropped off at the general’s office, they hop back into another cart driven by the general.  He explains what CMDF is — they can shrink an army to fit in a bottle cap, is his helpful example.  The problem is that there is a 1 hour time limit before they return to full size, ruining the bottle cap.  Benes had figured out how to control it, and the “other side” wanted to be sure he could not tell us.  The general parks the cart at the base on an escalator which they ride up.  Don’t these people walk anywhere?  And, hey general, way to block the escalator for everyone else!  No handicap spaces available?

The general further explains that CMDF’s plan is to shrink a submarine and inject it into Benes’ bloodstream.  The crew will then navigate to the brain where they can carry out delicate repairs which could not be done by normal-sized surgeons, or even a dwarf.   And, oh yeah Boyd, you’re going with them.

Boyd is not thrilled at this.  I appreciated that he even had a fun Indiana Jones sort of fear at the idea.  He is being sent along as security because Chief Surgeon Duval is suspected of being a spy.  We know that Dr. Duval is innocent the minute Dr. Michaels comes on-screen because he is played very creepily by Donald Pleasence.   To be fair, Pleasence was equally creepy in Escape from New York and Halloween, and didn’t kill anyone.  Well, except The Duke, but he had it coming.  And an multiple attempts on Michael Myers.  Wait, holy crap, this guy is a killing machine.

There is also the captain of the sub, who has never done this before.  Rounding out the crew — heh heh — is 60’s bombshell Racquel Welch as Duval’s assistant.  Who built and tested this ship?  Kinda scarey – is there no one left alive who has ever done this before?

fantasticproteus03The sub, Proteus, looks great and must have been truly impressive 50 years ago.  Most of all, it feels real.  Obviously, this is pre-CGI but they didn’t just rely on crappy models and cardboard sets.  The set is also interesting with its upper floor control room allowing the cigar-chomping generals to look down on the operating theater.

Once they have been injected into Benes, they journey toward the injured areas of his brain.  It could have been boring — there is a sameness to a lot of the footage.  However, unlike the psychedelic trip at the end of 2001, this one kept me riveted.

Along the way, there are acts of sabotage; Boyd plays the MacGyver role coming up with solutions to enable the mission to continue.  At the end, it is unclear whether the mission is a success, but Benes was such a non-entity in the scheme of things, that it doesn’t really matter.  What you really care about is whether the crew survives.  If a movie can make you care about the characters, especially the conscious ones,  and throw in some cool visuals, you have a winner.

I rate it a .00000000000000000000008, de-miniaturized to an 8.

fantasticwelch04Post-Post Leftovers:

  • Why didn’t they just go in through the eye to start with?
  • Isaac Asimov wrote the novelization, but not the source material.  In the book, he addresses some of the crazy science, such as why the mass of the ship and crew did not remain the same when shrunk.
  • Since this exploration of inner space was clearly inspired by NASA’s exploration of outer space, it is strange that Boyd communicates with the outside by using the decidedly low-tech Morse Code.  I suspect this is addressed in the book.
  • Jean Duval as Benes has an even more lifeless role than Michael Fairman in The Nurse.  Strange, because like Fairman, he has an extensive resume including a role in Casablanca, and films with Laurel & Hardy and Abbott & Costello.  Most of the time he is uncredited, however.
  • Boyd and the captain (William Redfield) both died in their 40’s.  Note to self: start working on that Bucket List.
  • Eyes front, mister!

    Eyes front, mister!

 

The Nurse (1997)

nurse2cover0220 horror movies for $5; what could possibly go wrong?  Part V.

It was a pretty good run — I actually liked the first 4 movies in this collection.  But the streak is over.  Not a fiasco, but definitely the weakest so far.

Nurse Laura Harriman (Lisa Zane) nearly kills a patient by injecting him with the wrong drug.  She is a little distracted because her father has just been charged with embezzlement.  It is made pretty clear that Mr. Harriman is guilty, but there seems to be a lot of weeping and hand-wringing at his prosecution.

Harriman is distraught over being fired, and humiliated that his embezzlement has made the paper.  “30 years I gave that company, and this is how they repay me,” he moans to his daughter.  This is played as a serious plea, not an indication of his state of mind.  A more accurate observation would be, “30 years I gave that company, they should have me killed for betraying them.”

He shoots his wife, his other child, and himself. As his wife was dying, I wonder if she was thinking. “30 years I gave that man, and this is how he repays me.”?  Laura is in her 30s, so the math even works.

The man who fired him is also anguished that this has become public and that the police are involved.  I don’t remember this this outpouring of sympathy for the dicks at Enron.  Or WorldCom.  Or Bernie Madoff.  Actually, I don’t recall this level of sympathy for Princess Diana.

As Bob Martin — the executive who busted him — is going to work, a reporter tells him that Harriman has killed his family and himself.  In a bit of an overreaction, this causes Martin to suffer a stroke which results in Locked-in syndrome.

nursebob01

James Rebhorn, no wait, Michael Fairman

This is a horrific condition wherein the victim is paralyzed, but is fully sensate and aware of his surroundings.

This is the only original idea in the movie, and it walks a thin line. This is a tragic fate for anyone, so you hate to see it cavalierly used as a plot device in a mediocre movie.

However, it does set up an interesting dynamic in that the titular nurse can later taunt him, fully reveal her motivation and plans, carry out murders right in front of him, and he is powerless to stop her or tell anyone; even when safely in his luxurious home, surrounded by his family.

I do have to give them some credit for not pulling any Weekend at Bernie’s shenanigans.  Also, I’m sure some brainiac along the way suggested that having Bob’s thoughts be heard as a voice-over would be a swell idea.  Wisely, this was not done.

But that cuts both ways.  Not hearing Bob’s thoughts theoretically increases the tension, but you also have the other actors essentially playing against a painting.  No matter what happens, Bob will have the same non-reaction.  This could have been made into something exceptional by a Hitchcock, or an auteur, or a just a director.  Here, it just is; nothing more is brought to the scenario.

Laura assumes the identity of another nurse, Susan Lang, and goes to see Martin.  Ya have to credit her for honesty — she tells him exactly who she is, who her father was, and that she intends to make him suffer.

After he is discharged — these insurance companies are brutal! — his personal nurse takes him for a push around the lake a a local park.  Laura stops and makes nice chat with them.  The nurse does not know her; of course, Bob does, but is powerless to do anything.  After the nurse loads Bob back into the van, Laura plunges a syringe into her neck with a drug which will simulate, or maybe stimulate, a heart attack.

Luckily both their lifeless bodies are discovered shortly thereafter by his daughter Karen before either of them gets too ripe in the van.  To clarify: although lifeless, Bob is still alive.

nursekaren04

Bob’s insanely hot daughter

Yada yada, Laura / Susan is hired as Bob’s private nurse.  Credit to the writer for believably getting Laura into the house.  Too often, this would have just been the result of a series of ridiculous coincidences.

Not so much credit for extraneous characters and a divorce subplot that adds nothing.  In fact by giving Bob’s son license to make out with the Nurse, it might be counter-productive.

Finally, after 45 minutes, we get the first kill and it is not even a member of the family.  At the 1 hour mark, Laura finally commences her plan.

The biggest problem here is that the whole production comes off as a Lifetime movie.  Of course, I say that having never seen a Lifetime movie.  What I imagine this movie has in common with them is an abundance of melodrama, freakishly good-looking people, a deadly dull unaffecting score, largely bloodless deaths, and a leaden pace.

If one thing could have been changed, I think a new score would have helped immensely.  Also, Lisa Zane was adequte, but not one molecule better than that.

It really deserves a 4 but I’ll give it an extra point for the original idea, and for not grossly exploiting it.  But I take the point back for not exploiting it in the good way.

Post-Post Leftovers:

  • Nancy Dussault is best known from Too Close for Comfort.  She has only 2 movie credits:  the classic The In-Laws and this load.
  • Lisa Zane also has at least one great movie on her resume, Bad Influence.  Sadly, I think that one from 1990 is almost completely forgotten.  Even NetFlix does not stock it.
  • If Michael Fairman and James Rebhorn were hot babes, I would put together a separated at birth mash-up.
  • I was shocked that given how awful this score was, the composer has been working his be-hind off ever since.
  • The Nurse is also available on YouTube, but why would you?nursezane01

Edge of Tomorrow (2014)

Conedgeoftomcover01s: Got to the Theater 8 minutes late, anticipating the usual 17 minutes of previews. Miraculously, the movie had already started.  OK, I can’t blame the film for that, but I’m grasping for straws because the movie itself was very good.

Tom Cruise is caught in a time loop similar to Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, except some chick is shooting him in the head in most of the iterations.

Also, he is waking to each reset day with a sergeant screaming “On your feet maggot!” rather than hearing “I Got You Babe” on the radio.  Although around the 20th time, I’m not sure which would be worse.

It gets off to an interesting start — at least at the point where I where I strolled in — as Tom Cruise is not playing his usual confident, infallible, smirking superman. Here he is Don Draper, or more accurately Pete Campbell, a weaselly military ad man who finds himself on the front lines of a war with aliens.  He does his best to talk, spin, and blackmail his way out of being sent into the real war, but to no avail

He is busted to private and assigned to a combat unit commanded by Bill Paxton, who is great in this role despite being possibly the worst actor to ever make a fine living working full-time in movies; he is frequently a great character, but that is not the same.  The irony is that among the grunts he commands there is not a single character as interesting as Hudson in Aliens.  OK, I guess the indistinguishable soldiers are the real “con” of the movie.

Once in combat, he is pretty quickly killed.  But not before killing one of the aliens. Not just a regular alien, but a 1 in 6 million alien that possesses time-travel capabilities.  You’d think the aliens would protect such a rare, valuable resource, but no.  After blasting the alien, Cruise gets a blood, guts & goo facial. This is enough to transfer the time-travel abilities to him.  When he is killed, he resets / awakens the previous morning.

Eventually, Cruise becomes the superhuman killing machine that we expect him to be.  The difference here is that it is earned.  We see him repeatedly fail, die, and learn from his mistakes.  For him, Nietzsche was wrong — What DOES kill him makes him stronger.  There are no participation trophies.  Cruise gets a rare chance to develop a character — from smug ad man, to scared toy-soldier, to born-again hard — and completely pulls it off.

Emily Blunt plays a war hero aka The Angel of Verdun aka Full Metal Bitch who had earlier been stuck in a time-loop.  Understanding Cruise’s potential as a weapon, she becomes his trainer and partner.  If there was one thing I didn’t care for in the movie, it was her.  The character is OK, but the actress just brought nothing special to the role.  OK, forget the indistinguishable soldiers, they were just bit players and ultimately cannon-fodder — the miscasting of Emily Blunt would be the only “con” I could come up with.

Toward the end, there were several things I didn’t understand.  For example:

  1. Cruise seemed to indicate he was teaching himself to fly the helicopter at the farmhouse, but then told Blunt that an alien would hear the noise and attack it if were even started (which she proved to be true).
  2. Before attacking the Louvre, Cruise says not to kill any of the Alpha aliens because that would alert the Omega alien who would would then reset the day.  But they do go in guns a-blazing, killing scores of aliens.
  3. And, of course, the whole ending.

Mostly likely all of these are explainable by a) dialogue I missed, or b) the fact that the theater now serves beer.

Except the ending.

So, maybe the real “con” is the ending; in more ways than one.  Certainly that seems to be creating a lot of online chatter.  But then most chatterers are praising Emily Blunt, too.  I can construct a scenario in which it makes sense to me, even if it is not airtight.  This ain’t Algebra; both sides of the equation don’t have to balance to be entertaining.

Rating: I’d rather sit through a time-loop viewing this movie than have to sit through Godzilla one more time.

Post-Post Leftovers:

  • Great movie, but terrible title — sounds like a soap opera.
  • Why the European setting?  Callback to D-Day?  Tired of destroying Washington and New York?  Got news for you, people love seeing Washington destroyed. Maybe it is not PC during this administration.
  • I can’t figure out what the giant paddle is that she is carrying.
  • The shadow of Aliens looms large, and not just for Paxton and the cargo-loaders.  When told they could not shoot the aliens at the Louvre, I really wanted to hear, “What the hell are we supposed to use, man?  Harsh language?
  • As usual, I regret going 3D.  It was fine, but pointless, in the static shots; but many of the action scenes were a mess.  Also, it darkens the screen so much that I never was able to make out the last word of Full Metal Bitch on the poster, and didn’t recognize Emily Blunt as being the woman pictured.  Possibly due to sitting at a sharp angle to the screen.
  • Seventeen minutes does seem to be the average for previews.  However, the new X-Men ran longer, and the Evil Dead reboot last year had a record-breaking 25 minutes.  I wouldn’t care if they lasted an hour — if we knew they would last an hour.  Here’s a way to start — no advertising for movies that won’t be in the theater for 2 years.
  • There really is a Science Hill, KY but I can’t figure out why they would have made it Paxton’s character’s hometown.  Bill Paxton was born in Fort Worth, TX.  He was photographed waving to JFK leaving his hotel the morning he was killed, and later attended Lee Harvey Oswald’s old high school.  John Denver also attended the same high school, but there is no photographic evidence linking Paxton to his death.