Under the Skin (2013)

undertheskin01I had no idea what was going on in the opening scene.  Typically I will attribute that to the alcohol. If I still don’t understand it in the morning, then just general stupidity,  I don’t think I was alone on this one, though.

It was hypnotic in a 2001 sort of way.  Slow deliberate moves, bright lights being eclipsed.  It even ends with a fast motorcycle trip, the scenery zipping by like Dave Bowman’s trip through the stargate.  And yeah, we get the giant eyeball.

The biker pulls over, goes down an embankment, and returns with a dead Scarlett Johansson thrown over his shoulder.  Against a stark white background, we next see her dead body being undressed by another ScarJo, who puts on the clothes.  Nice choreography so that there is one nekkid ScarJo at all times.

The next morning, ScarJo takes a rape van out for a drive.  After a trip to the mall, we get a long sequence of mostly POV shots as she drives, scanning the crowds on the sidewalks.  Finally she spots a man that seems to be random and speaks the first words of the movie 14 minutes in.  She asks for directions, which he provides.  Then she asks another stranger for directions.  And another.  And another.

She leads a number of men into a dark building.  And I mean pitch-black, void as a Joan Crawford blackout,  so that all we are seeing is their bodies.  It gets all art-housey again as the men follow ScarJo’s path.  They sink as if mindlessly walking into a tar pit, but she continues walking.  She turns, they are gone, and she walks back along the same path, as if she were actually consuming the men.

I’m still on the fence with ScarJo, even after watching Lucy this weekend.  She hits all the marks, but is she a good actress?  Is she beautiful?  The ambiguity works to her advantage.  She works without inhibition here, exhibiting her body frequently.  It is not a typical Hollywood body, but something — while great — that seems attainable to a normal guy.  She plays an alien (given away by the poster) who knows that her looks can reel men in, but not really understanding the mechanics.  She knows to buy the lipstick, how to apply it, but doesn’t understand the male response.

undertheskin04Even as she tries to hit the marks as a human — showing mercy to a disfigured man, eating diner food, attempting a real sexual relationship — it is clear that is she a true “other” only going through the motions.  Her core lack of humanity is seen repeatedly.

Under the Skin was hypnotic for about half the running time, then my interest tapered off a little.  It probably could have achieved greatness by trimming 10-15 minutes off the run time.  As is, I can still recommend it, but entirely understand if becomes tedious to some.

Post-Post:

  • I can see that she had to be a brunette for this role, but really she should stick to the blonde look.  Even in Lucy, the brunette look just does not work for her.  Even less than here.
  • No one in the film is credited with a character name.  Many of the men were supposedly non-actors “tricked” into performing.  Claims like this are almost always a lie.
  • Third in this week’s “Under the” trilogy after Under the Bed and Under the Bed.
  •  “Hey Jonthan, we can go with the poster that gives away a major plot point, or the one that will reel in the dudes wanting top see some Scar tissue.  Whaddya think?”
undertheskin05

He chose poorly.

All Cheerleaders Die (2013)

allcheerleaders01The  standard by which all cheerleader movies of any genre is judged is Bring it On.  This is no Bring it On.

The sad part here is that All Cheerleaders Die was so close to greatness.  You can still see sparkling gems scattered throughout like Leena’s Wiccan stones, but much of it is a mess.

We start out with a video profile of head cheerleader Lexi being taken by nobody Maddy.  Lexi is certainly cute, but like most everyone in this high school, is an asshole.  Kudos to the producers for getting the movie off to a great start by dispatching her quickly and cruelly.

The next year, Maddy puts on some eyeliner, let’s her hair down, and is suddenly gorgeous.  Maybe this is a sign that Hollywood has finally figured out you don’t ugly-up girls by putting glasses on them.

Maddy’s relationship with Alex is not clear — was she a real friend, or a hanger-on just doing a class assignment?  Clearly, she was not one of the cool kids.  The next year, she is trying out for Lexi’s spot on the squad.  We get a montage of the cheerleaders and football players practicing their craft,  Not to pick this thing to death, but an unusual number of shots are poorly framed, or shot too far from — or too close to — the subjects. Maybe they were hiding the stunt people; I never had this problem with Buffy, though.

allcheerleaders05

If there was one frame of the whole squad looking decent, I missed it.

Maddy’s motivation seems pretty loose.  She hates Tracey because she started dating Lexi’s boyfriend Terry before a suitable mourning period.  Granted, despite being a dead-ringer for Tiger Woods, he is the most hatable guy I’ve seen onscreen in quite a while, but this is thin stuff.  But wait . . . for an hour, the film withholds the fact that asshole Terry raped her the previous summer.  It would have been better for her motivation to be completely mysterious rather than use this flimsy excuse about dating etiquette for half the movie.

Now that Maddy is on the squad, she no longer has time for her freaky Wiccan friend Leena.  But wait, wasn’t she just becoming a cheerleader to get revenge on them?  How did Leena get shut out in the process?  Again, we don’t know their relationship.  There are indications that she is either a) a stalker, or 2) a friend from Maddy’s pre-cool days, or c) a lesbian ex-girlfriend.  I think we’re all pulling for “c”, but a little nudge from the writers would have been nice.

The girls have a pool party.  “Bitches only.” They send the “Dawgs” away.  Maddy tries to drive a wedge between Tracey and asshole Terry by ratting out his infidelity. Mentioning that he raped her might have also caused trouble in paradise.  She then tries to steal Tracey away by coming on to her.  This is one of the aforementioned gems.

At yet another party, Leena is off by herself with her stones.  Maddy and Tracey start making out again.  Soon asshole Terry shows up and proclaims that the the football players will no longer fraternize with the cheerleaders.  Tracey tells him off and asshole Terry punches her in the face.  Hard.

The girls drive off and asshole Terry & his suck-ups chase them, quickly running them off the road.  The car lands in a river upside down.  A couple of the guys protest, but asshole Terry makes like asshole Ted Kennedy, leaving the girls to die.

Leena, following in another car, pulls the girls from the river and uses her Wiccan stones to resurrect them.  Their scene waking up at Leena’s house had a lot of potential, but the opportunity was largely squandered.  Like the party scenes, the large group of people was not handled effectively.  This seemed to be a recurring theme — not knowing quite how to handle a crowd, and poor choices on composition.

There were some nice shots and even whole scenes in the last half of the movie, but it frequently seemed confused.  Maybe this is the result of having two directors. With the exception of Leena’s neighbor Larry (Michael Bowen), I can almost make a perfectly sexist divide and say the female performers were all good to great, and the male characters were either zeroes or repugnant.

It is easy to say the tone was wrong, or inconsistent, or rushed.  But then there will be 10 examples of films where the abrupt tonal change worked.  Pretty much anything will work in the right hands.  Unfortunately, the 4 hands directing this film were not able to make it work.

2, 4, 6, 8, I did not appreciate.

Post-Post:

  • What?  Is there no shower room at this high school?
  • Terry really should be treated like Brad in Rocky Horror.  Every time he appears on screen, the audience should yell “asshole!”
  • I’m far from high school, but Christ this is the worst music I’ve ever heard!  Pretty quickly got my fill of “bitches” and “dawgs” also.  I noticed the subtitles opted for the more traditional “dogs.”
  • Loved this shot, but again, they botched the composition.  Nice 3 feet of headroom when her feet should have been fully in the frame to indicate her 100% vulnerability and obliviousness to anything other than her desire to feed.allcheerleaders04

Night Shadow (1989)

nightshadow0220 horror movies for $5; what could possibly go wrong.  Part XII.

Infobabe Alex Jung is shown leaving KLOF studios.  There is a KLOF in Wyoming, but this seems to be California.  Also, KLOF is a radio station.

Having been offered a big promotion, she is heading back to her hometown of Danford to mull it over.  Reaching the town, she sees a Mansonesque man on the side of the road beside a car.  She wisely drives on.  An old friend of hers stops to help and is killed for his friendliness.

In the next scene, we are introduced to Kato Kaelin, best known as a friend of OJ Simpson during his murder trial.  Sadly for him, it is impossible for anyone of a certain age not to make that association.  He doesn’t help himself here with the giant mullet, but it was the 80’s.

While he is making out with his girlfriend, a couple of guys burst through the front door.  One is wielding a rifle, the other is wearing a Freddy Krueger bladed glove, and both have stockings over their faces.  After briefly scaring the couple to death, the two reveal themselves to be Kato’s friends and they all have a good laugh . . .  at them peeking in at the couple making out; and eavesdropping; and breaking down the door; and pointing a rifle at them.  In the friend department, that Kato sure has a type.

nightshadow03

Christ, if there were pasta in the fridge, they’d be going all Lady and the Tramp.

The scariest part is the er, camaraderie of the three guys.  For a bunch of 30 year old guys, they are they most giggly bunch of 12 year old girls I’ve ever seen.  By that age, my father had been in 2 wars.  I had been in no wars by 30, but did shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

The one minor spark of life in the entire movie is when they close the front door and it falls off the hinges.  That’s it.  That’s the high point.  Of the whole movie.

Alex meets her brother at the local diner.  For reasons unexplained, he is Chinese.  In a good movie, that might be an interesting quirk, even more-so if uncommented upon.  Here, it mostly annoyed me.  I suspect they hired a Chinese actor just because the role called for some chop-socky later.  Across the diner, Alex locks eyes with Manson-man again.  There is clearly some sort of connection because there are several seconds of their faces with lightning bolts appearing in front of them.

nightshadow06The Sheriff happens by and breaks the trance.  When Alex looks back at the bar, Manson-man is gone.

Three bodies have shown up in Danford bearing signs of an animal attack; although one of them animals what throws his leftovers in a dumpster or car trunk.  By this point, some sort of hint of what this movie is about is long overdue for the audience.  However, rather than any exposition or foreshadowing, we get another shot of Alex and Manson-man locking lightning eyes.

Finally at 58 minutes in, the film decides it is about a wolfman.  Kato Kaelin does an excruciating homage to Bill Murray from Caddyshack.  The wolfman then kills Kaelin by . . . slashing his jugular?  Biting a chunk out of his neck?  Disemboweling him with a razor-sharp claw?  No, the wolfman runs him through with a pipe.  Don’t get me wrong, I think we were all happy to see it, and it was long overdue.  It just doesn’t exactly play to the strengths of a wolfman-American.

Eventually the wolfman is pinned against a building by a police car.  Alex’s brother takes a few shots at the car, and is able cause the gas tank to burst into flames.  So we don’t even get a silver bullet for our 90 minutes.

Trying to be positive, Brenda Vance as Alex was very watchable; given some decent material, she could have had a solid career.  Beyond her, there is not much to like.  Not the script, not the infantile acting, not the effects.  This movie has pretty much gotten the resting place it deserves.

Post-Post:

  • As long as the OJ trial was mentioned, I feel compelled to point out the role that Kim Kardashian’s father had in getting him acquitted.
  • I can’t find a single US city named Danford, which seems odd.
  • Stuart Quan had quite the career in acting and stunt work.  Sad that of this mediocre bunch, he was the one to die young.  At 43, he lost consciousness after snowboarding and died.
  • In retrospect, I might have hard that Reno thing in a song.
  • OK, this guy wasn’t bad:

nightshadow09

Under the Bed (2012)

underthebed03If I’ve learned anything from watching Bates Motel, it is that if you are a rebellious teen guy, new in town, who has emotional and criminal problems possibly involving death, the hottest girls in town will be all over you.  Smoking Marlboros is a bonus.  Actually, I think I already mostly knew that.

Teen Neal Hausman is being driven back home by his father after spending a couple of years with his aunt.  Seems that Neal had some problems after the death of his mother in a mysterious fire.

Mr. Hausman, who looks distractingly like Zach Galifianakis, is bringing Neal home to meet the new Mrs. Hausman and to reunite with his little brother Paulie.  At a party in his honor, he meets new-mother Angela, played MILFtacularly by Musetta Vander, the she-mantis teacher from Buffy.  He also sees one of the aforementioned red-hot teen babes, Cara; and her brothers who are the live action versions of Rod & Todd Flanders.  Actually, their dad is not far off from Ned, either, so maybe it was intentional

underthebed04

Hot babe #1

Neal finds Paulie upstairs.  After not-Zach yells at them for reasons I still don’t understand, Natalie gives them some cash to go to the local diner.  Neal proclaims it to be the coolest place in town which is a pretty sad commentary on this burg.  The waitress is hot teen babe #2 who is all over Neal.

That night, Neal and Paulie begin confronting the thing under the bed.  Using weapons that range from a mop with flashlights attached to it to a chainsaw, they joust with the reptilian / alien / demon / humanoid creature.  The problem is more than a mere portal to hell that can be covered over.  During a sleepover at the Flanderses, the monster makes its usual foggy entrance from beneath the neighbor’s bed.

underthebed05The final 30 minutes ratchets everything up 1000%.  There is suddenly more danger, higher stakes, and no shortage of dead bodies.  Perhaps most tragically, Angela spends the entire last act in a robe, and the opportunity is squandered.

Pauly is dragged under the bed to “the other side”.  This is right out of Insidious, Poltergeist, TZ’s Little Girl Lost and countless others (which is what you say when you can’t think of even one more).  Not much time or effort is spent on the hellish other side, but that is fine.  It is other-worldly enough and gives Neal a chance to be a hero.  Ultimately, they are saved by Mom.  Not Angela, but their dead  biological Mom.

This Kind of movie movie both excites and pisses me off.  Expecting it to be mediocre, I let it tie up one of my Netflix slots for a week.  But then when I watched it — gold!  I could nitpick the origin, motivation and design of the creature.  I could also question why the father was such a jerk.  But I’m just looking to be entertained, and it delivered.

I rate this one King-Size

Post-Post:

  • Also worth checking out is director Steven C. Miller’s previous film The Aggression Scale.  Much lower budget and less polish, but a fun ride.  I look forward to more work from him.
  • Written by Eric Stolze, not Eric Stoltz.  I thought Stoltz had dropped off the face of the earth, but he is all over the place — just nowhere I ever see him.

The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951)

dayearth201Making this up as I go, I am invoking the haven’t-seen-in-20-years clause in order to qualify this film.  And by invoking, I mean inventing.

From the opening seconds, with the blocky title and the weirdo theremin music, this is chewy 50’s sci-fi goodness.  It is already more interesting than the remake, if only as a piece of history.

A UFO is approaching the earth at 4,000 MPH.  This is really poking along compared to the 18,6000 miles per second velocity in remake.  All over the world, dames and men in hats are listening to the radio for updates on the bogey.

On a lovely day in Washington DC, a saucer flies past several monuments, and lands in a park near the White House.  As a behatted newsman is describing the scene, a ramp extends from the saucer and a doorway opens up.

dayearth203A humanoid in a spacesuit walks out and says, “We have come to visit you in peace and with goodwill.”  He pulls something out of his pocket, and is shot by one of the soldiers.  Suddenly the robot GORT emerges from the ship.  The spaceship and the alien just seemed to reel in the crowd, but GORT gets the civilians running and the soldiers backing up.  GORT’s visor opens, and shoots beams at the weapons, destroying them.  The wounded spaceman orders him to stop.

He stands and hands the damaged gift to a soldier.  He says it was a gift to enable the president to study life on other planets, then is taken to Walter Reed Hospital.  Ignorant of our ways, he believes checking into the V.A. will actually improve his chances of survival.

The spaceman, Klaatu, says he has traveled for 5 months and 250 million miles to reach earth.   He says we are neighbors, and it is assumed by the hat-wearing press that he is from Mars or Venus.  250M miles is too far for either of those planets.  I know there was no internet, but did the writer not have an almanac, or did noone involved remember basic science from elementary school?  Twilight Zone had this problem too.

Apparently wanting to address all world leaders in the most corrupt and ineffectual setting possible, he asks for an audience with the United Nations.

Meanwhile, since Klaatu foolishly left his saucer in downtown DC overnight, it is getting blowtorched, and GORT is being roughed up with a diamond drill.  Unlike AL GORT in the remake, the drill has no effect on this GORT.

Klaatu heals his wound by applying a miracle salve, just as in the remake.  He escapes from the hospital and takes a room at a boarding house.  One of the other residents shares the name Helen Benson with Jennifer Carpenter in the remake.  Both Helens have a son, although the name was changed from Bobby to Jacob in the remake, and he was made completely obnoxious.

In both movies, the kid drags Klaatu to his father’s grave.  Bobby trades $2 for 2 diamonds.  So he is not only less obnoxious than Jacob, but smarter.  They go to Lincoln Memorial.

Klaatu and Bobby go to see professional smart guy Professor Barnhardt (whose first name Jacob was mysteriously used for the Bobby character in the remake).  In both movies, Klaatu goes all Good Will Hunting on a blackboard.

He says that we have started using atomic power and will soon apply it to space travel, endangering other planets.  If earth does not listen, it may be necessary to for his race to take action.  The professor asks if a demonstration is possible.

dayearth202Klaatu sneaks back to his ship, and signals GORT to knock out the guards.  Bobby’s sees this and tells him mom.

The next day all motors and electricity on earth stop, trapping Klaatu in an elevator with Helen. Unlike the remake, exceptions were made for hospitals and planes in flight.

On his way back to the ship, Klaatu is shot.  Again.  Helen delivers the message to GORT, Klaatu Barada Nikto.  GORT carries her into the ship.  He also retrieves Klaatu’s body, which he is able to resurrect.

As Professor Barnhardt is addressing the crowd, Klaatu emerges from the ship. He says the threat of human aggression can no longer be tolerated.  If earth is not less aggressive, they will burn our planet to a cinder.

Maybe they can make some krazee ships and robots, but we’re miles ahead of them in irony.

Post-Post:

  • Writer Edmund H. North won an Oscar for the screenplay for Patton.
  • Not to blame the victim, but Klaatu clearly did not need the helmet and spacesuit when he emerged from the ship.  Maybe he wouldn’t have been shot if he had looked a little more human.