Good

I’m grading on a curve here — not good in the sense that I could have paid $11 to see it and walked away satisfied.  But certainly way ahead of the other movies in this collection.  And better than some movies I actually have paid $11 to watch.

Keepsake (2008) – Probably the best in the collection.  Maybe more than any of the others, it seemed like an effort by serious film-makers.  I just today discovered that I have owned this movie for years and did not realize it.  It was in another cheapo collection that I never finished because I didn’t have the voracious gaping maw of a blog to feed on a deadline.

Hell’s Highway (2002) – I’m not 100% positive if this was the 2nd best, or if I was just giddy because this was the last entry.  It is more that there were a few scenes I appreciated rather than sustained goodness.  Micro-budget, but not afraid for their reach to exceed their grasp, and show some seams.  I could imagine the crew scrambling and running in between takes to get it as right as possible.

Not Bad

“Not Bad” might literally be a synonym for “Good”, but I still have to hedge a little on these. 20 years ago, I could have imagined re-watching one of these on a rainy Saturday afternoon.  That standard is long gone with so many better movies available on demand, but it stills works as a metric.

White Zombie (1932) – I cut this a lot of slack based on the age.  Had this been part of the Universal Monster scene, it would not be in the public domain, would have been better preserved, and would be more highly regarded.  It’s an entertaining watch.

Wages of Sin (2006), In the Dead of Winter (1993) – Wow, I am already having a hard time remembering much about these except that I did get some moments of genuine enjoyment out of both of them.

Trancers (1985), Prom Night (1980), Puppet Master (1989) – These seem like a little bit of a cheat since they were actual theatrically released movies — or at least cult videos — with some recognizable faces.

Tolerable

I’m confident I could sit still and watch these again without being tied to a chair.  But I really can’t imagine voluntarily watching them again without such restraints.

Curtains (1983) – I’m giving this the benefit of the doubt.  The transfer was so terrible, it was tough to watch, but others seem to like it.  If I got a free Blu-Ray, I’d give it another chance.

King of the Zombies (1941) – Very dated, and probably raaaacist.  But make some allowances and it is not a torturous watch.

Inside (2006) – Very slow, but not in a bad way, with an intriguing premise and some good performances.

Cruel World (2005) – Really a train wreck that I am being very charitable to.  On another day, this could easily be in the next bracket down.  Whenever I have doubts that acting is actually a skill, I will remember Edward Furlong’s “performance.”

Grave Mistake (2008) – Kind of fun in its micro-budget silliness.

Nurse (1997) – In the Watchable category only because it doesn’t really do anything wrong.  It is just slow, melodramatic, and fails to adequately exploit an interesting concept.

The Gingerdead Man 3 (2011) – No effort at all was expended in the making of this film.  It is so shameless, however, that it is kind of likable.

Participation Trophies (i.e. Crap)

Night Shadow (1989)  – Man-childs, men-children?  Whatever, just embarrassing.  Infantile acting and a story that takes forever to go nowhere.

Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988) – Another slow start that seemed very slow to end also.

Teenage Zombies (1960) – I feel kind of sorry for this one.  It was clearly just some yahoos trying to make a quick buck in the old AIP days.  There is no pretense of art; but that doesn’t make it any easier to watch.

Shaded Places (2000) – Just awful.  Awful performances, unbearable score, leaden pace, and I am guessing a largely improvised script — not necessarily a bad thing, but there is not a Christopher Guest or Larry David in this bunch.

Awaken the Dead (2007) – Well, somebody had to be last.  From the original review:

• Cinematography: Just dreadful.  I don’t even think it was incompetence or budget constraints; it was just terrible choices.
• Acting: Mostly terrible.
• Dialogue: Terrible.
• Make-Up: Really looked more like Insane Clown Posse than zombies.
• Story: Adequate.  You don’t really need much for a good zombie movie.
• Sound: Not well-recorded.  Sound does not get enough respect — in this, and many low-budget movies, expectations are lowered upon hearing the first word of dialogue.

Epilogue

Despite the crap, I was actually surprised at how watchable most of the movies were.  I’ve seen worse blindly choosing on NetFlix.  And all of them were still more enjoyable than watching a movie on Hulu.

20 horror movies for $5; what could possibly go wrong?  Part XX of XX. Free at last, free at least, thank God almighty, I’m free at last.

Not a good sign that the only actor I’ve ever seen before is Ron Jeremy — not a good sign for me or the film.

We start off with a man driving through Death Valley.  Ahead, he spots a hitchhiker, and even at this distance, she is a hottie.  He discreetly covers a large knife with a newspaper.  I appreciate that the paper had a headline with the word “Killings” in it.  The director doesn’t jam it down our throat, but it is visible, giving me hope that this movie might actually have some nuance and thought behind it.

Lucinda, in denim shorts and a t-shirt, jumps in the car saying she and her boyfriend walked in different directions for help.  This stranger who has picked her up offers her some water which she gulps down.  Not blaming the victim here, but that’s 2 stupid moves by Lucinda.  She begins gagging.  The man pulls over and she runs into the hills.  She stumbles and he pulls out his knife and jams it into a really fake looking stomach.  But that’s OK — we’re obviously in micro-budget mode here, it was just a few frames, and the movie has already built up some goodwill with me.

The man gets his shovel from the car and puts on a preacher collar.  There is a nice bit of camera trickery as we cut from him giving her a final blow with the shovel to tapping the mound of dirt where she has been buried.  He sprinkles holy water on her grave from the same bottle she drank from.

As he is leaving, he hears her voice taunting him.  He looks around and sees nothing.  Once again, however, the director goes the extra mile and there is a nice reveal of Lucinda standing behind him as he turns, sporting some devilish painting on half her face.  Not that this is groundbreaking work, but after much of the crap in this collection, it is refreshing.  That’s the end of the Preacher.

This is mostly prologue to get us to the main story (and to keep the movie from being 60 minutes instead of 70).  Next we meet the group that we will follow for the rest of the movie.  More goodwill is accrued as Monique flashes the camera . . . then 30 seconds later does it again; sadly, we must wait another whole minute before she turns them loose again.

Chris is driving while Sarah and Eric occupy the backseat.  We see Lucinda hitchhiking ahead.  The group notices the huge number of crosses along the road and Lucinda tells them the story of The Devil’s Highway, which would have been a better title.  Lucinda claims she had earlier hitched a ride with Chris’ brother and killed everyone in the car.  Chris pulls over and demands that she get out of the car, then she points gun at Sarah.  After a struggle, they manage to pull a C. Thomas Howell on Lucinda and roll her ass out of the moving car.  Well, actually they rolled her ass out of the stopped car and cut to the car moving, but kudos to the director for making it work.

Clearly, she is supposed to be the devil.  She had the El Diablo face paint, her name is almost Lucifer, and she is evil.  But what’s with the gun?  The Devil needs a gun like God needs a starship.

That night, they pull over to zelten um Geld zu sparen (finally able to use that phrase from the high school German text).  Finally after 20 minutes, we get another look at Monique’s boobs.

The next day, they see Lucinda again hitchhiking.  She runs at the car, hurling a knife and swinging a shovel, but is no match for 2 tons of D-troit steel which mows her down, decapitating her.  Our heroes move her to the side of the road, and take off. No one notices that her entrails are still hooked to the car, so as they leave, they pull out 50 yards of intestines before dragging half her body behind the car.  Well played, Mr. Director!

Lucinda later shows up again with the El Diablo face paint.  And a chainsaw.  She does some damage before the gang can drive off.  Oh, for crying out loud, Lucinda shows up yet again the next day.  In fact, multiples of her show up.

Eventually all — or at least some — is explained.  It’s not a great movie, but there are enough signs that the makers actually cared that I am willing to go along for the ride.

Post-Post:

• Among director Jeff Leroy’s other joints: Dracula’s Sorority Sisters, Werewolf in a Women’s Prison.
• Among Monique’s other credits: Stacked Racks from Mars, Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills.

20 Horror Movies for $5; what could possibly go wrong?  Part XIX of XX.  Holy cow, I think he’s gonna make it!

The good news is that the first shot of the film looks like something Sam Raimi would have created.  The bad news is that it is just because it features an old land yacht that reminded me of Raimi’s Classic Delta 88 (30 seconds of research revealed not much similarity, so the film lost even that cheap thrill).

The Scooby gang is asleep in the car when a crazy preacher bangs on the window.  In a bizarrely egregious continuity error, the car which has been established to be parked in the middle of a huge field, is suddenly parked on a dirt road lined with trees.

The lovely Sue wakes up the rest of the gang and they see the man watching them from far away. Truly, the 1 minute after the credits and up to this point gave me hope for another gem like Keepsake.  The cinematography was great, Sue is really beautiful and showcased in a 360 degree camera swirl, and the low humming score works.

They believe the figure to be their missing stoner friend who has gone out to spell his name in the road.  Sue rushes her lines a little, and her boyfriend’s teeth are blinding white.  Jane seems like someone’s sister visiting the set more than an actress, and the stoner is just an awful actor, looking and sounding like the stoner from Cabin in the Woods who nearly wrecked that movie for me.  But, other than the stoner, it is a likeable crew which places it ahead of most horror movie casts.

They are going to a house that adoptee Sue inherited from her biological family, and which is shown in a strange 2-second insert video shot of a photograph.  The stoner picks up the radio station from Children of the Corn and we get our title-check for “wages of sin.”

They stop at a gas station for supplies.  Sue goes into the disgusting bathroom and is approached by a wino assuring her that Jesus loves her.  She runs outside and yells at the stoner who was supposed to scout out the restroom.  He goes in, but there is no one there. They ask the gas station manager for directions to the house, but he tells them they don’t want to go there — just as in Cabin in the Woods, which was a parody of scenes in countless other films (including the aforementioned Children of the Corn).

They resume their journey and Sue resumes her hallucinations.  This time, she sees a little girl in a white dress on a swing.  The girl, now splattered with blood, then appears in the rear window in an interesting shot — then back on the swing.

Sue’s boyfriend Ron takes her out to the car and proposes, giving her a ring.  Unfortunately, he is left with a pretty big matzoh ball hanging out there. Maybe the reason is that he makes her sick to her stomach.  Back in the kitchen she starts yopping in the sink what looks like cranberry sauce — and not the good kind that comes in the can; the kind where you can see the actual berries.  She has another hallucination, but economically fits both the preacher and the little girl into the same vision.

Let us take a minute to give thanks for what is good.  Sue is still a hottie.  The little girl might be blankly reading her lines . . . or she might be a great little actress.  And when the Gary Busey-esque preacher speakers, smoke comes out of his mouth.  Smoke, or condensation like it is freezing.  I’m not sure either makes sense, but I did like the subtle effect.

After eating some 2 years old mystery meat, the gang sets up a Ouija board, again an . . . homage to countless other films.  Then Sue begins floating over her bed (The Exorcist).  The gang gets in the car and drives away, but arrives back where they started at the house.  After the obligatory crash, Sue sees the little girl again.

In one final extended “homage” we get a replay of The Shining, sometimes shot for shot.  as the stoner finds himself a maul and goes all Jack Torrance on Sue hiding in the bathroom with a knife like Shelly Duvall:

It was no Keepsake, but it was watchable.  Other than the stoner, the cast was competent.  The preacher in the hallucinations was a little over the top; which would have been OK if they had actually been able to afford Gary Busey.  The weakest point was the writing — the dialogue was sometimes cringe-worthy; and the hallucinations just didn’t seem to work for me.

Post-Post:

• Four credited writers to create this awful dialogue.
• There are a freakish few seconds around the 58 minute mark where the aspect ratio seems to change, but they stretch out the picture to fill the screen.
• The Wages of Sin is death.  It killed a good evening.
• I’ve got a hankering for some corn.