Outer Limits – Bits of Love (01/19/97)

olbitsoflove09Aidan Hunter had the resources and foresight to build an underground bunker to survive whatever apocalypse occurred.  He has electricity, fresh air, food, booze, a nice home, and the scientific know-how to program holograms. Inexplicably, he has program-med most of these avatars to be his family; and also to continue using the name Aidan.

As we open, Aidan is being awakened by his mother — this is a 36 year old man, by the way.  She open the curtains, and says, “Hey sleepyhead.  What are you going to do, stay in bed all day?”  Wouldn’t this have gotten old during the design phase, or when he was 13?  He goes into the kitchen to see his 32 year old brother Griff in tight shorts and a wife-beater, stretching with his foot on the counter.  His full name should be Griff Loman Hunter.

Aidan examines a painting he has been working on.  He commands all his holographic pals to appear.  There’s his mother, his bath-robed father has joined them, here’s Griff still in his workout clothes, and Natasha Henstridge.  Wait, what?  Why didn’t he just make four of her?  After they critique his painting, Aidan sends them back into the computer.  All except Emma (Henstridge).

For entertainment that night, Aidan programs up a double-date for he and his cartoon brother.  Aidan is wearing some sort of black sleeveless scuba-looking thing.  His holographic brother appears to be wearing a jacket over his wife-beater. If this is a sly indication that his clothing can only be overlayed onto his basic template like a paper doll — bravo!

Sadly, the girls have no substance; also, they are not solid.  After a few dances, though, he takes one (only one?) to his swinging bachelor-pod.  He has designed the device to feed his skin’s sensors so that it is just like having a beautiful live girl; but I notice the girls don’t do any talking in there.

He decides that Emma is more real than the other pseudo-girls.  She would even make a perfect model.  For one thing, she is beautiful.  For another, she can sit for hours and not move a micron.  In fact, she can even look like a piece a cardboard for some shots.  After the painting is done, they go for a spin in the bachelor-pod.  Since Emma is tied into the server, she is able to mentally hit the snooze alarm so they aren’t stopped for using too much power.

Emma begins taking things a little too seriously.  The rest of Aidan’s fake family take her side.  Emma is the computer’s operating system, so they want to protect her.  Emma begins to think she is real and tells Aidan she loves him.  Aidan says, “Emma, you’re not here to love me.  You’re here to serve me.”  Oh shit!

olbitsoflove27When Aidan conjures up another girl to take into the pod, Emma takes over the form of the fantasy girl.  To really get on Aidan’s good side, Emma would have shown up in addition to, not in place of the first girl.  WTH, is there a weight limit on that ride? [1]

Emma finally resorts to the nuclear option and says she is pregnant.  That’s it, Aidan goes Dave Bowman on her fine, fine ass and starts destroying circuit cards.  You can’t beat the house, though, and Emma prevails in a satisfying way.

The episode could get a little tedious at times.  Also, there more shots of a sweaty post-coital Aidan than I really needed.  However AI run amok, an apocalypse and not-at-all gratuitous nudity redeem it.

50/64 bits.

Post-Post:

  • [1] Well, per-girl obviously, but you know what I mean.
  • Aidan’s mother is played by Dana Sculley’s mother, Sheila Larkin.
  • Griff suggests the music be changed to Feral Klansmen or Venereal Pink.

The Veil – Summer Heat (1958)

vsummerheat08

Hey Grampa, what’s for supper?

Mr. Paige arrives home at his hotel. He is complaining about the heat while wearing a suit and tie on this sweltering day.  Did people not make the connection back then?  And the smell!  My God, the smell!

A neighbor that he passed on the stoop mentions that he always has hot soup for dinner.  Really, he doesn’t see the problem?  How about a nice vichyssoise?  Thank God jalapenos had not been invented yet, or this guy would spontaneously combust.

Across the courtyard, he sees a man looking around an apartment.  I’m not sure why Paige was immediately concerned unless he has made a habit of peering into that apartment and knows it is occupied by two hot college girls who beat the heat by lounging around topless and giving each other cool sponge-baths.  But I might be reading between the lines.

As the man is looking around the apartment, he finds a jewelry box.  Hearing a noise, he hides as a blonde woman comes into the room wearing a robe.  She finds his burglar bag — poor sap couldn’t even afford the fancy one with the $ on it — and he confronts her.  Paige watches helplessly as the burglar strangles the woman, flashing back four years earlier when he saw this same scene in a movie. [1]

Paige turns off the soup on his hot-plate — a nice touch — and dashes out of the room to report himself for peeping-tomming.  Since phones had apparently not yet been invented, he actually runs to the police station to report the murder of the “pretty blonde”.

The police show up and enter the apartment with Paige.  This burglar is damn good at his job — in minutes, he made off with the the jewelry, all the furniture, the woman’s body, the paintings on the wall and even shampooed the carpet based on the paper on the floor. Or maybe Paige is crazy and the apartment is vacant.

I’ll stop here and say this is why the series only lasted 10 episodes.  I predict that he saw a premonition of a future event.  The blonde will seen moving in later and he will be able to prevent her murder.  Continuing . . .

Paige and the police go back to his room and look across the courtyard.  Much as I wish the courtyard were some kind of portal, they only see the vacant apartment they were just in.  Paige seems pretty reliable, but the cops attribute his story to being hungry and crazy from the heat.  When Paige protests, the cops haul him away.

vsummerheat21Moments later, the “pretty blonde” asks Paige’s neighbors for directions to an apartment she wants to rent. Well, well, well . . .

Apparently the cops didn’t take him to the police station, they went directly to Bellevue where he is sedated and questioned by Boris Karloff.  After he tells his story, Karloff tells him he can go back to his room — well, not his room, but one at the hospital.  He calls in the police and tells them that Paige is perfectly sane.

The next scene is a replay of the murder, exactly as Paige third-eye-witnessed it.  The burglar clubs the blonde on the noggin and steals her jewelry.  He then rushes out, leaving the body, the furniture, paintings and dirty carpet.

The police get a report of a murder at that same apartment and return to the scene of the crime.  They discover that Paige was released from the hospital three hours ago, and see him enter his apartment across the courtyard.  He could not have been the murderer as he described the woman and her furniture before, but the police continue questioning him.  He finally remembers the burglar had a cauliflower ear, which I’m sure has some more politically correct name now.

vsummerheat28

This isn’t really pertinent to the story. I just had not thought about these in a long time — not the LPs, but the record-changer.

They haul in a thug matching that description who naturally denies any wrong-doing with Clintonian arrogance.  The police then bring in Paige who recounts every detail of the burglary and murder.  Aha! That tells the thug that Paige really saw the murder, but it doesn’t offer up any corroborating evidence for the police.

Uh, maybe this show is too smart for me after all.  Paige informs the police that the blonde bit her killer on the arm.  They roll up his sleeves and see bite-marks. There’s yer corroborating evidence.  Unlike Clinton, a doormat wife, the press and a phalanx of sycophants aren’t going to protect this guy — he’s going to the big house.

So I was wrong in my presumption of the simplicity of this episode.  A lesser man would go back and delete that paragraph.  And by lesser, I mean less lazier.  It turned out to be pretty good.

I rate it 86 degrees.

Post-Post:

  • [1]  Jimmy Stewart helplessly watched Raymond Burr threaten Grace Kelly in an apartment across a courtyard in Rear Window.  In that case, Kelly was the burglar . . . the hot, hot burglar.  She was not murdered, but merely arrested and taken in for fumigation and a shower surrounded by young, pretty guards.  At least, that’s how I remember it.
  • Hey Grampa, what’s for supper . . . how can there be no YouTube clips of this?

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Diamond Necklace (02/02/59)

ahpdiamondnecklace04 Mr. Thurgood marshalls the staff for another day at Maynard’s Jewelry. The all-male sales staff is nattily attired, and the elderly doorman Henry is in a spiffy uniform.  As Henry is carrying the jewels from the safe to the display case, he accidentally drops a $165,000 necklace [1].  As is always the case in real life, this is the moment the boss chooses to walk in.

Maynard calls Thurgood into the office to show him plans for a renovation to the store. Thurgood prefers it the way it has been for 50 years, but Maynard wants it airy and full of light.  Unfortunately one of the musty old relics wants to get rid of is Thurgood.  The Thurgood family has worked at Maynard’s for 117 years, but the owner can’t wait just 3 more years until Thurgood was going to retire anyway.  He is given 5 days notice.

Thurgood is a bloody pro! [2]  He works diligently that last week, calling old customers, making sales.  On the afternoon of his last day, a woman sporting a mink and unidentifiable accent is shopping for an anniversary gift for her husband, the psychiatrist Anton Rudell, to give her.  The $165,000 necklace catches her eye.  The lady clearly has an eye for jewelry and idiot-men.  She instructs Thurgood to bring it to Dr. Rudell’s office.

ahpdiamondnecklace11Mrs. Rudell meets Thurgood there and puts on the necklace.  She goes into an office to put it on.  She just misses Dr. Rudell as he comes out to the lobby.  AWKWARD!  Not awkward because Thurgood is about to spoil the surprise.  Awkward because Dr. Rudell calls his wife out of a different office to give her hell, and it is a different woman.

Back at work, Thurgood is distraught.  He is near tears at having disgraced the name of Maynard and his family name Thurgood; although, to be honest both monikers are a little silly to begin with. Maynard is actually pretty cool, allowing the police and insurance company to take care of things.  Maynard offers to call Thurgood’s daughter to pick him up, but Thurgood is too ashamed for her to know.

Thurgood gets home somehow and calls for his daughter Thelma.  She is not home, but the doorbell rings.  It is the woman who stole the necklace.  “Daddy, we did it!” she says.

He says he is going to invest the money the same way his father and grandfather did.  There were two previous robberies in Maynard’s history and both were also inside jobs by the Thurgood family.  He says that is the Thurgood tradition, taking what is rightfully theirs.  Sadly it can’t be carried out by his daughter as they only hire men.

ahpdiamondnecklace19They are surprised by Maynard at the door.  He tells Thurgood, “I suppose you know you can’t get away with this.”  Psych!  He hands Thurgood his gold watch and severance.  He says he knows that “forgetting” them was his way of making restitution.  Thurgood calls his daughter out to meet Maynard.  He is so overwhelmed by Thurgood’s loyalty that he breaks the men-only tradition and offers the daughter a job at Maynard’s beginning Monday morning.

It is all well-done and it has a nice, if not entirely surprising, twist.  It was just a little bit too much of a happy ending.  Sure, there is the obligatory suggestion in the coda that they were caught in another robbery, but I don’t consider the epilogues to be canon. So, in effect, the Thurgoods stole a $165,000 necklace, got away with it, and invented equal rights for women.

Post-Post:

  • [1] That would be $1.35M in 2016 dollars — about 2.5 Hillary Clinton speeches, or an Ambassadorship to be named later.  But I would suggest rounding up to $2M so she provides adequate security for the Embassy.
  • [2] Claude Rains (Thurgood) is a bloody pro too.  He might be the most natural actor I’ve encountered so far.
  • AHP Deathwatch:  Both actors credited as Jewelry Salesman are still alive.

Twilight Zone – Paladin of the Lost Hour (11/08/85)

Danny Kaye is at the cemetery visiting his dead wife.  He is being stalked by a 2-person gang which is sadly not as committed to diversity as the gang in the previous episode.  The youths rough him up and make off with a gold pocket-watch.  As one of the thugs looks at it in his hands, it burns him and begins to float into the air.  Luckily a near-by mourner / martial-arts expert is nearby and opens a crypt of whoop-ass.  The watch floats back into Kaye’s hand like the one ring to Sauron (if not for those meddling kids).

Kaye shows his appreciation by inviting the heroic mourner out for a “cup of Earl Gray,” hot.  Kaye is insistent, ergo insists on dragging the guy out for a drink.  For some reason, I can’t figure, Kaye has talked the man into not only having tea with him, but going back to the man’s apartment and having him make the tea.

The stranger is a pretty smart guy.  He has shelves full of books and knows the meaning of ombudsman.  Turns out the man is the night manager at a 7-11 named Billy.  Kaye even more amazingly talks Billy into allowing him to rest in his apartment for a while while Billy is dodging bullets at work.  When Billy returns at 2 am, Kaye has prepared beef stew and cupcakes for desert.

They decide to be roommates, but Kaye says it won’t be for long.  His doctor has told him the end is near; also that he will die soon.  Billy says that he was in the cemetery visiting the grave of a man he knew in Viet Nam.  They turn on the TV, but are turned off by the war news.  Kaye promises Billy that there will never, never, never be a nuclear war because — he produces his pocket-watch — it is 11:00.  Billy points out that it is 4:00 am; why else would they be eating stew and cupcakes.

The next day, Kaye offers to take Billy to a manatee matinee, “but no films with Karen Black, Sandy Dennis or Meryl Streep.”  Wow, what’s with the misogynist, gratuitous, mean-spirited shot?  Against Karen Black, I mean — the other two, totally get. [1]  They see a man toss a cigar out his car window.  Kaye picks it up and tosses it into the man’s backseat, making it the first time I’ve ever liked Danny Kaye.  Kaye claims he is responsible for everything from lima beans to cockroaches to the President of the United States to Billy’ mother.  But is not God.

One day, Kaye takes Billy to the cemetery because he has a feeling he is going to die that day.  He tells Billy how Pope Gregory XIII decreed that October 4, 1582 would be followed by October 15th.  Eleven days vanished in order to synchronize the calendar with the seasons and equinoxes.  Popes were no more infallible then than now, and he got it wrong by one hour.  Kaye is the custodian of that hour.  He is now ready to hand that responsibility off to a younger man.

It is a fine episode, just not what I was looking for.  This kindler, gentler Twilight Zone is a little disappointing.  Taken as discrete plays they are often very good even if they are a little maudlin.  However, compared to Burgess Meredith breaking his glasses or James Whitmore being left completely alone forever on a planet far from Earth, they just lack the grit that I was hoping for.

Post-Post:

  • [1] He does go on to explain, “They’re always crying and their noses are always red.  I can’t stand that.”
  • An article about those 11 days.
  • Directed by Alan Smithee.
  • Available on YouTube.

Twilight Zone – Teacher’s Aide (11/08/85)

ears wings ears wings ears wings

One of those fabulous, inclusive, multi-cultural TV gangs — that is more diverse than actual TV — is walking across campus when they spot a member of the denim-wearing tribe that “has had it 2 good for 2 long.” 2 be 4gotten. Glamorously coiffed Wizard, of the bare-chest-covered-only-by-open-sleeveless-shirt-studded-clothes tribe looks into his handsome adversary’s dreamy eyes and unbuckles his belt. To the surprise of everyone, it is to use it as a weapon.

While my belt has certainly been choking the life out of me lately, a belt is no match for the switchblade held by Colfax.  Wizard, contrary to his name, has stupidly brought a belt to a knife fight.  It works out, though, as he is soon pummeling Colfax with his fists.  80’s babe Adrienne Barbeau jumps into the fray and roughly pushes Wizard off of Colfax.  All the while, the scene is being observed by a gargoyle with glowing red eyes.

The principal chastises her, calling the students “animals”.  She corrects him by pointing out they are “children” . . . 6-foot tall, muscular, violent children.  That night, Adrienne dreams of the gargoyle and claws the stuffing out of her mattress.

tzteachersaide20In class the next day, she says, “We will start by conjugating the verb to be.”  How remedial is this high-school class?  Wizard and Trojan walk in late and constantly disrupt class with their proud ignorance. Adrienne asks why they bother coming to school and Trojan says, “because I like your legs, baby.” This guy truly is an imbecile.  Adrienne Barbeau may indeed have a fine set of pins.  However, I have never once in my life heard anyone mention any body parts below her chest; or maybe now, her waist.

Adrienne picks Trojan up with one arm and slams him against the wall.  “You are an insect.  I’d like to break your wings, little bug.”  Nothing is scarier than a broken Trojan, but Wizard comes to his friend’s side, and both are saved by the bell.  Adrienne seems genuinely surprised at what she just did.

There is a good scene as she is walking to class with a fellow teacher who is frustrated by the criminals she has to teach.  Adrienne peels off and starts pounding a guy’s head against the lockers.  That’s the good part.

tzteachersaide31

No, that’s her foot.

The next day, she is reading to the class from The Wives of Brixham by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Hehe . . . Longfellow.  Wizard starts cranking some tunes. Adrienne quite reasonably smashes the noise-box, then throws him out of the classroom.

The guys are getting tired of Adrienne pushing them around. Trojan, looking fab in long dangling silver earrings, silver necklaces, a silver braided waist-necklace, white pants with sleeveless back shirt, one fingerless white glove, a three-inch belt, and a huge 10-years-too-late afro, tells his trilby-wearing mulletted gang-mate that they are tired of looking like fools.

Wizard grabs a Louisville Slugger and goes looking for Adrienne.  Unfortunately for him, he finds her looking more gargoyley than usual.  She attacks Wizard, then I start to lose track; and interest.  Clearly, with the sunken red eyes, sharp teeth, and unmanicured claws, she has been possessed by the gargoyle.  After beating Wizard even more senseless, she sees herself in the mirror and backs into an electrical panel which explodes; then the gargoyle on the roof is struck by lightning.  But which was the cause and which the effect?  Or was either either?  After several more lightning strikes, the gargoyle is completely destroyed and Adrienne collapses to the ground.

Wizard:     You could have killed me.

Adrienne: I couldn’t let that happen.

Me:           Hunh?

Wizard says “Thanks” and helps her up.  So maybe it was all worth it.

tzteachersaide40Closing narration:  We are told damned places exist — buildings where madness permeates the very bricks and mortar.  We are told sometimes dedication and kindness can purge the evil from those walls . . . a lesson to be learned in the study halls of The Twilight Zone.

It is never explained why the gargoyle chose her to enter (other than her being Adrienne Barbeau), or if she understood what was happening to her.  They only had 10 minutes to work with, though, so maybe I should grade on a curve.

On the other hand, the outro is not merely missing exposition, it is completely backwards.  Wizard’s kindness did not exorcise the demon from Adrienne or the school. He only turned from Goofus to Gallant after the gargoyle was destroyed.

Meh, just not much going on here.

Post-Post: