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Thriller – The Weird Tailor (10/16/61)

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Arthur Smith, Jr. drunkenly arrives home to the family estate.  We, never see it from out side, but the double doors open into a long hallway lined with sculptures, so I’m thinking this ain’t my neighborhood.

The tipsy trust-fund infant stumbles from piece to piece offering no admiration or respect.  He puts his hat on one, and gallantly wraps his overcoat around a nude Venus de Milo [1] (although the sleeves need to be taken up a tad) who is scandalously showing her marble-hard nipples on TV in 1961.

Darn the luck, he arrives just as his father is performing a satanic ritual.  Arthur opens the door just as smoke is rising from a pentagram.  He stupidly walks directly across the pentagram to the booze on the other side of the room.  Down goes Arthur — another alcohol-related death.

Smith’s father goes to see Madame Roberti, a blind psychic.  He wishes to bring his son back.  He offers his entire fortune, but she admirably does not deal in such blasphemy, damnation, and defiance of of God . . . but she knows a guy.

She offers him a business card to go see Honest Abe at a used car lot — now there’s a guy used to blasphemy and damnation.  Honest Abe pulls an old manuscript out of his safe — Mysteries of the Worm.  There are only 3 copies left in the world — the others were burned centuries ago along with their owners.

Honest Abe figures he can let it go for, oh say $1,000,000 . . . $1,000,500 with undercoating.  Despite the lure of insanely low APR financing, Smith pays cash for the book (something that was done back when there used to be places called Barnes & Noble or Borders (there also used to be a place called “The Border” in the southwest United States.  Alas, that is gone because Congress still takes cash).  But I digress.

tweirdtailor17Erich (or Erik on IMDb) Borg’s landlord Schwenk storms in and demands the rent, but Borg doesn’t have the dough.  He goes in the back to where his wife is sewing in their apartment.  As usual in these stories, Anna is far too good for him (and 24 years younger), a disparity made even more evident when he tells her to “shut up” and smacks her; when, really, just the smack would have been sufficient.

The store is having a busy day as a second person arrives.  Mr. Smith has brought his own magical fabric required to resurrect his son.  It looks like something Elvis might have made into a gold lame suit.  Borg is to be paid $500 upon delivery.  When Anna asks about the strange fabric, he physically shoves lovely Anna away and she runs to the bedroom to confide in her only friend — a damaged mannequin.

tweirdtailor18In bed alone as Erich works only the unusual specific hours required by Smith, Anna comes out to look at the suit.  It tingles when she touches it, probably more than she can say for Erich.

The next morning, he delivers the suit.  He treats Anna horribly and laughingly threatens to leave her. She goes to have a heart-to-heart talk with the mannequin which she has named Hans.  It is very sad as she describes how she has been beaten and they have both been broken by Erich’s abuse.

Unfortunately, when Borg delivers the suit, Smith is a little short on funds.  Borg is suspicious when he notices that Smith has a nice new refrigerator.  He opens it up to find Smith’s son frozen inside.  In a scuffle, Borg (fighting a man for a change) kills Smith and takes the suit back to the shop.

He instructs Anna to burn it while he goes out for a drink; but, having priorities, he takes time to shove her around a little first.  When he returns, he finds that Anna has dressed Hans in the strange new suit.  Borg admits to killing Smith and Anna says she can’t live with a murderer, so he puts his hands around her throat and proves her correct.

During the struggle, Hans jerkily begins moving.  He chases Borg into the shop and kills him so he and Anna can live happily every after.  At least until she realizes he is not anatomically correct.

Henry Jones (Borg) was probably one of the first “that guy” actors, but I don’t remember ever seeing him play a character who was so despicable and pathetic.  On the other hand, this was Sondra Blake’s first-ever credit on IMDb.  Both were great in their depiction of this sad marriage.

As always, a good story and screenplay from Robert Bloch.  Twilight Zone and Rod Serling are so iconic, they will never be surpassed.  But Thriller is exposing me to a whole new genre I didn’t know existed — quality horror programming, well-written and cast, that was from that same era.

Maybe the fact that the Fan Favorites collection contains only 10 of the 67 episodes is a clue to the consistency of the quality, but I’m going to have to give the others a try.  The Hitchhiker wasn’t even able to pull together ten good episodes for their compilation.

But with one iffy exception, like the other episodes, this one is good stuff.

Post-Post:

  • [1] Always the quipster, writer Robert Bloch has Arthur say to the armless Venus, “We’re gonna have to take those nail clippers away from you.”
  • Title Analysis:  Borg is an abusive loser, but does not seem particularly weird.  Maybe it is just a play on “Weird Tales.”  If so, it fails because the double meaning isn’t there.  But then I also never understood the Best of Both Worlds title of the Star Trek TNG Borg episode.  Maybe Picard was the best of humanity, then of the Borg after assimilation?  Of course his attempted genocide of them 5 minutes later might have tainted his legacy among the Borg.
  • Hmmm, I wonder if Madame Roberti is played by the same Iphigenie Castiglioni that was in Return of the Hero?
  • Borg’s landlord was the guy who sold the Tribbles in Star Trek.
  • Strangely, Hans was taller than Anna, but when he became animated, he seemed very small.  We never saw him scaled against anything, so it could have been poor camerawork.

Human Race (2013)

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The Rules:  1) Only one will win, 2) the House, the School, and the Prison are safe, 3) follow the arrows, or you will die, 4) stay on the path, or you will die, 5) sorry ladies, if you are lapped twice, you will die, 6) do not touch the grass or you will die, 5) Race or die.

A girl in a hospital gown gets the news that she has cancer.  She says that is what killed her mother and sister, and walks out.  Why is it always the fat guys who have the gowns that don’t tie all the way shut in the back?

humanrace01She begins taking medicine and going for nightly runs, getting into awesome, glistening hot-body shape.  Feeling quite proud of herself she looks up at the sky and curses God, flipping him off.

The next day she finds that her cancer is in complete remission, so ya can’t say the big guy holds a grudge.  On the other hand, she suddenly finds herself transported in a flash to the titular race, accidentally steps on the grass (breaking Rule 6), and her head explodes in spectacular fashion.  OK, so he’s mercurial at best.

humanrace08In Afghanistan,  soldier Justin Connor drags his 1.5 legged comrade Eddie to safety.  Years later, in the states, Eddie is giving a pep talk to a group of kids with disabilities at a school where Justin is vice-principal.  Like the girl, they suddenly see a flash of light and find themselves in the race.  They see the girl explode.

A pair of deaf people that they had seen just before being transported to the race are there also.  They are amazed that they were able the “hear” the instructions.

All seem to get the basic concept, so most take off running.  One man tries to go over the wall, and is rewarded with an exploding head.  Everyone, even the deaf people hears numbers representing the number of survivors . . . just like in Battle Royale or the cannons in Hunger games.

The race is pretty much LeMans style.  Most of it appears to be running through a neighborhood, pedestrian tunnels, and the house, school, and prison.

Just to make it even more like Battle Royale, two Japanese characters are introduced — a teenage girl and her chubby little brother.  This is now Battle Royale with Cheese.  Justin and Eddie are clearly the good guys here, and stop to help the kids, but end up leaving them behind to find help.  They even stop to help an old man in a walker.  They are joined by the deaf couple and take the geezer to the house.

They form a  human roadblock to prevent anyone else from passing through the house and lapping the old man, which would kill him.  One jerk takes off, killing the old man, and also runs past the kids, exploding their heads.  Justin tries to catch him, despite the guy claiming to be a Tour de France winner (and wearing a yellow jersey).  Justin comes within inches of stopping him, but to be fair, the guy had’t had time to dope-up before being put in this race.

Tour de France guy is a killing machine lapping a dozen people and leaving a trail of exploded heads behind him.  He finally stops when he sees a pregnant woman. But just for a chat, before he continues, killing her too.  Just as in Children of Men, the mother is one of the very few blacks in the movie, so he can also be accused of raaaaaccism.

Justin is killed, but one-legged Eddie is able to kill off his murderers using crutch-fu. Things get interesting when the racers realize they can use the arrows as weapons and actually start pro-actively murdering their competition.  Now we are in True Battle Royale territory.

humanrace14Sure, it borrows from a lot of other stories, but guess what — they borrowed from a lot of other stories too.  Am I not entertained?  Yes.  No, wait, No  Or is it Yes?    That’s one of them trick questions.  I was entertained.  Consider, they had to make a movie about people walking in a circle but found a way to make it work.  Now if only NASCAR could only make their driving in a circle the slightest bit interesting.

The finalists aren’t surprising, but how they get there is.  I can imagine people being disappointed by the ending, but I give the producers credit for not taking the easy way out, or blatantly setting themselves up for a sequel.

Good stuff.

Post-Post:

  • They determine that everyone in the race was on the same block in the city when the bright light brought them here.  Which makes more sense when you see the final scene.
  • A basic of similarity to The Long Walk novella by Stephen King. Except there is an actual ending; also unlike his novella version of The Mist.  Or the conclusions to most of his early books which was to burn down the school / town / hotel / Las Vegas / or in Firestarter, everything.
  • OK, I’m no liberal automaton, but means “no” means “no” even in ASL. Still, Deaf Girl (as she is credited) couldn’t spare Deaf Guy a comforting kiss knowing that they were almost certainly within minutes of death?  Is that really the time for the “like a friend” spiel?
  • And why is it American Sign Language?  Why wouldn’t all languages use the same set of hand signals?  Turns out there is a lot of overlap, but a lot of difference too.
  • There is a bizarre photographic choice when Eddie pulls his car up to Justin’s school.  It is like tilt-shift pictures where only a small portion of the frame is in focus.  There is no reason for it, it does not recur, and I don’t see that it symbolizes anything. It just seems like something a young director does before they lose their balls.  I just saw Jaws in the theater, and there is no way Stephen Spielberg could make that same picture today.

Ray Bradbury Theater – The Long Rain (09/19/92)

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rbtlongrain01Screwed again.  One of Bradbury’s most famous stories and is it in “100 of His Most Celebrated Tales”?  It is not.

Four men crash on Venus, although they are traveling in a craft named Neptune; perhaps a wrong turn at Albuquerque.  But then, the Atlantis didn’t go to Atlantis; but Challenger on the other hand . . .  well, never mind.  Still too soon.

Venus, according to Bradbury science, is a tropical planet of non-stop rain.  Like Mars, the air is breathable.  The crew’s GPS tells them it is 8 miles to the nearest Sun-Dome. These are structures built so that travelers have a permanent warm, dry place to stay while visiting Venus, kind of a One-Seasons Hotel.

They make their way to the Sun Dome at about 1 mile an hour, not rbtlongrain03aexactly a breakneck pace considering the path seems pretty clear for them.  Hour by hour, mile by mile, the GPS calls out their progress.  Somehow, they end up right back at their ship like the time my goddamn GPS took me in circles for an hour trying to get in the DFW airport.  But I digress.

Going in a circle and ending up back at the ship makes sense if you are the dolts from The Blair Witch Project using a map (did they have a map?  Or did they have a compass, but not the brains to use it?  Or were they just staring at Heather’s ass instead of watching the terrain?).  But explorers using a GPS type of device?  That is a Prometheus-level of stupidity.

The men go a little crazy being lost in the non-stop rain.  Boltz destroys the GPS and drowns himself by swallowing the rain, Cooper opens himself up to be killed by lightning. Captain Trask and Simmons start out again for the Sun Dome.

Only an hour from the Sun Dome, Simmons gives up and they have a long argument. What’s strange is that in the shots of Trask, he is in pouring rain, but in shots of Simmons, it doesn’t seem to be raining at all.  This is the ultimate continuity error as it should be CONTINUOUSLY raining — that is the defining characteristic of Venus in the story, the constant maddening rain.

rbtlongrain10Only Trask is left to make it to the Sun Dome.  He makes it to the Dome and opens the doors to the warm, dry interior.  And then something happens. No, wait, nothing happens.  This might be the most pointless story in the series, and that’s saying something.

This episode is — ahem — awash with poor decisions.

rbtlongrain03Instead, in the original short story, the group begins falling apart when the first Sun Dome they reach has been destroyed by Venusians.  My guess is that this pivotal point was ruined by budgetary constraints — less effective, but much cheaper to just show the ship twice.

More could have been done with some men just breaking and staring up at the sky until they drown from the rain — an interesting idea that gets about 10 seconds here.

Similarly short shrift is given to the carnivorous plants.  If you die, they lasso your body and I presume drag you off somewhere to be eaten.  A few times when the men aren’t moving fast enough, the ivy wrapped it self around their ankles and they had to break free.  Fortunately this wasn’t directed by Sam Raimi.

rbtlongrain09

Oh my God, I’ve lose my entire crew in the last few — hey is that a sauna?

And what of that Sun Dome?  It is pretty clear that Trask makes it and enjoys a nice warm day at the spa.  A little ambiguity of his fate, or remorse for his men would have been welcome.

Post-Post:

  • Does anything ever get long shrift?

Behind Your Eyes (2011)

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behindyoureyes0420 Horror Movies for $7.50 — Part X of XX.

Please, for the love of God, stop scoring your movies with guitar ballads.  I have yet to see it work once in these box-sets.  I know, I know, your buddy that has a band wants to help out with your movie. Just say no.

Another tip:  If you have a prologue where a very thin brunette hottie wearing wearing a tight green tank top gets killed, don’t start your main movie with a different almost identical very thin brunette hottie wearing wearing a tight green tank top.

So far, 12 minutes in, I got guy and girl going to meet his parents, and there is some sort of friction with the father.  i.e. It ain’t grabbing me.  It doesn’t help that these two are really mediocre actors.

The couple stop at a closed gas station for the nameless dude to take a leak.  Come to think of it, I can’t remember the last time I saw a closed gas station. They have been 24-hour longer than CNN, and more trustworthy as well.  As no-name dude gets back in the car, he is carjacked with a pistol pointed to his head. Carjacker tells no-name to start driving.  On the plus side, he fits right in, also not being much of an actor.

behindyoureyes03He directs them to a barn and commands them to get on their knees and take off their shirts in front of a camera (a half-measure in her case).  He binds the dude to a pole and asks if he knows what it’s like to watch a loved one die.  Then he starts whipping the dude with his belt.

The only thing moderately interesting up to this point besides Girl’s snappy body is that the Carjacker really doesn’t seem very into this; he seems bored, like he is doing it for a payoff.  I’m not into it either, but at least I’m maintaining my amateur status.

behindyoureyes05He gives Girl some water and forces something in no-name’s mouth.  Then we get a series of ill-advised jump cuts. They contribute nothing, and are never used elsewhere in the movie, but if each of them is cutting 1/24th of a second out of this film, I’m on board. I think I’ve got that their names are Steven and Erika, so we are making progress.  And Carjacker.

Erika has a chance to kick carjacker in the balls and does so.  She and Steven make a run for the truck, but another car turns its lights on them and takes off. Carjacker demands to know who it was.

behindyoureyes02Carjacker orders Erika to get naked and ties them both to a pole where he lashes Steven again with his belt.  After seeing another man and hearing a gunshot, they run to a nearby cabin.  Well, Steven gets as far as the porch when he sprains an ankle, but  Erika makes it to a nearby cabin.

The couple living there are pretty strange.  The woman pretends to call the police, and the man is interested in if she is a virgin.  Soon, Erika is tied up again, this time in a basement with Carjacker who is also tied up.  Carjacker says he works with Steven, or at least in the mailroom at his firm.  Also, sells drugs to all the attorneys.  He also says Steven is paying him $30,000 to do the carjacking and tape them.

behindyoureyes06

There are a few twists, but honestly this is not a very good movie.  I discovered that Carjacker is named Daniel Fanaberia, and admit I was too quick to judge.  His acting actually was pretty good in this once I figured out what was going on.  And I think the screenplay, while maybe needing another pass, was greatly undermined by poor direction and mediocre work by the other actors.

And, please, do the director a favor and tell him to go easy on the gratuitous jump-cuts.

Post-Post:

  • Title Analysis:  Behind Your Eyes would have actually been a much better title for Salvage.  Come to think of it, Salvage might have been a better title for Hurt.
  • Not being one to nitpick, but when Carjacker tells the girl to get naked, she leaves her drawers on.  You just can’t let hostages get away with shit like that or pretty soon they’ll own you.
  • A user on IMDb claims the girl on the cover is the one that is killed in the first 5 minutes,not the one who stars in the movie.  They are so identical that I can’t confirm that — at least without watching it again, and that’s not going to happen.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Right Kind of House (03/09/58)

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ahprightkind02Well, right kind is a very subjective term.

Mr. Waterbury sees a sign for Ivy Corners, population 6,000 and seems to like the cut of the town’s jib.  Although, if I know AHP, the population will soon be 5,999.

He goes to the real estate office of Aaron Hacker to inquire about a house that he has his eye on.  Even though Hacker has the listing on the house, he tries to steer Waterbury to another home. Waterbury offers $9,500, but the owner Sadie Grimes is asking $50,000, possibly explaining why it has been on the market for 5 years.

Waterbury goes to see Sadie and shocks her and Hacker by agreeing to buy to house for the outrageous $50,000.  As if that isn’t enough, she pulls the geezer trick of giving him a lemonade and making him listen to an interminable story about people he doesn’t know  Sadie tells him about her dead youngest son who had gone to the big city and become very successful.  He used to send her money every month, but something went awry.ahprightkind01

Michael never told his mother about his problems, but he showed up in the middle of one night after 9 years. He just claimed to be sick of his job, so he quit and came home to mommy for a few weeks.  In reality, he admits he was fired and is very protective of a little black bag he was carrying.

He hung out for a long time, never going out.  And this was in the days before ESPN, blogging and internet porn, so what did I — er, he — he do all day?  His mother treated him like Little Lord Clavin, but the black bag was never seen again, and she never searched for it, having little interest in porn.

One night, it ended as he got late night visitors who were either the rest of his gang or the most persuasive Jehovah’s Witnesses ever.  When Michael would not donate the loot, whatever their identities, they killed him (although to be fair, that doesn’t sound like a Jehovah’s Witness).  The sheriff tells his mother that Michael had been a naughty boy in New York.  He and three other men had held up a bank and stolen $200,000.  Michael ended up ahprightkind03with all the loot, see?

An insurance investigator with the sheriff is more interested in finding the $200,000.  Ms. Grimes denies seeing the money or even the black bag. That was 5 years ago, and she immediately put the house up for sale for $50,000.  She asks Waterbury if he thinks the bank would accept $50,000 as full restitution for the theft.  He seems to think so after this long.

Waterbury has caught her in a lie about the little black bag, and she readily admits it. She was waiting for the only person in the world who would pay $50,000 for this modest house — a person who thought there was $200,000 hidden inside.  And that would be the man who killed her boy — her 40 year old boy.  He would have been on his own gwown-up health care plan for 14 years.

ahprightkind05Waterbury smugly tells her that she shouldn’t have told him this story until after she called the police.  She calmly replies that she didn’t tell him the story until after he drank the lemonade. LOL.  OK, that deserves my second ever 🙂 .

Post-Post:

  • AHP Deathwatch: James Drury is still with us.
  • So I guess the population will indeed go down to 5,998 as Waterbury croaks and Ms. Grimes is sent to the big house.