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Fear Itself – Family Man (06/19/08)
Dennis Mahoney (played by the unfortunately-named Colin Ferguson) is attending a perfect church in his perfect suit with his perfect wife Kathy and 2.0 perfect young children. They are quite the active members, knowing the 2nd verse to Amazing Grace, cooking for the upcoming church pancake breakfast. Daughter Courtney blurts out that the secret ingredient is ice cream. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess vanilla.
They go back home to their perfect McMansion and dad agrees to play a little catch with son Sean. First though, he must crunch a few numbers at the office. On the way, Kathy calls his cell and asks him to pick up some milk Sadly, she did not also ask him to look to the right, where he would have seen a pickup truck ready to T-Bone him.
He awakens in the hospital, but discovers that his family can’t see or hear him. He is joined by Richard Brautigan (no, not that one). Brautigan is a serial killer a/k/a “The Family Man”. He takes Mahoney on a tour through the hospital whose staff now seems to be frozen in place. Brautigan shows him his own body where he is dying from gunshot wounds, then shows Mahoney his body which was in the auto accident. Strangely, Brautigan seems to know what is going on and is unphased by it.
Mahoney does regain consciousness, but that’s all he regains — he awakens in Brautigan’s body. Of course, he tries to tell this to his court-appointed attorney and comes off looking crazy; even for a serial killer. Holy crap, the attorney says Brautigan is wanted for 26 murders and 19 kidnappings. Mahoney protests that he is just a banker, probably expecting a bailout or a bonus for his body’s reign of terror.
To his credit, his attorney says spiritual transmigration is a crappy defense. To his debit, he tells Brautigan that the only real evidence the state has is a shoe-print and the testimony of a 3-year old girl. The rest of the evidence is circumstantial, which is inadmissible in TV-court. He thinks he might be able to get Brautigan off. He is a little concerned that Brautigan’s juvenile shenanigans might be used by the state — you know, murdering one’s own entire family can really be blown out of proportion.
His jailers aren’t so impressed; they rough him up and toss him back in his cell. He is brought out when he has a visitor. When he sits down, it is like looking in a mirror (except the image is not reversed) as he sees his face on “Family Man” Brautigan sitting across from him.
Visitor’s Day: Brautigan tells Mahoney he is sorry the way things worked out, but that it is God’s will. Brautigan considers this his chance at redemption; and at boning Kathy. His attorney returns and tells him that tapes have been found showing him “raping and murdering entire families, one by one.” I hope that sentence is grammatically incorrect. It might be possible to avoid the death penalty by disclosing where the bodies are buried.
Is it Sunday already? The family is back in church. Just as in the Star Trek Mirror Universe [1], it is easier for a civilized man to blend into a savage environment than for a savage to blend in to a civilized setting. Brautigan is just not used to decent folk. He loudly belts out Amazing Grace (which must be in the Top-40 of 1779 as they appear to sing it every week). He is ready to chow down the pancakes rather than helping with them, he snaps at his kids. Sure, he is being a lout, but strangely his wife doesn’t cut him any slack for just nearly being killed and maybe suffering from some noggin trauma.
Distraught over the loss of his family, Mahoney accepts a deal from the DA to show them where the bodies are in exchange for a life sentence. While on the field trip to find the bodies in the field, Mahoney overpowers the guards and goes back to his house. He and Brautigan end up in a struggle and both die again. Mahoney regains consciousness and this time regains his correct body also.
Tragically, Kathy and Sean have been killed by Brautigan in Mahoney’s body, but Courtney is still alive. When the police ask who killed her family, she points at Mahoney, now back in his own body. It is a nice ending unless you think about it. A man who has killed 26 people breaks into the house of this nice church-going family. Not only that, Mahoney has been stabbed in the chest, beaten with a frying pan, thrown through a glass table and strangled. Are the police really going to take the word of a traumatized 9 year-old girl against the likelihood that Brautigan was the killer?
None of that matters, though — it still feels right. The performances were uniformly excellent. It was, however, strange that there wasn’t more carryover of mannerisms. We only got to see pre-switch Brautigan in one scene, but that body seemed to retained so of the same tics — head tilted 15 degrees, frequent sneer — even after Mahoney occupied it.
Many people seem to think this was the best episode so far, or maybe even of the season. I wouldn’t go that far — it is very good, but I still have to award 1st to The Sacrifice.
Post-Post:
- [1] Or maybe it was the one where the transporter splits Kirk into passive Kirk and Yeoman-Rand-sexually-assaulting Kirk.
- A point is made of showing 2 bloody spiderweb cracks in the pickup’s windshield, but a passenger is never mentioned. In fact, the driver is never mentioned either. Wouldn’t it have made sense to have Brautigan be the driver, fleeing from police? At least that would have provided some nexus for the body-switch to have occurred. As is, it is never addressed.
- Another Star Trek connection: Clifton Collins Jr. was the Romulan to whom reboot Kirk said, “I got your gun.”
Cave of the Criss-Cross Knives – C.C. Spruce
“T-4, meet R-8.” As opening sentences go, it’s not The Return of the Native.
Let’s dispense with this silliness right away and move on to other silliness. T-4, like T-3, is a hot blonde — a Secret Service agent named Lilandry “Lil” Sweeney. R-8, a male agent improbably named Toridzone “Tod” Kinley, is probably also hot, but really, who cares?
The Chief is sending them to the tiny Pacific island of Perambi. It has never been charted because it is so “small, jungle-covered, fever-ridden” and fictional. Naturally, the US government has a fueling station there. Recently a supply ship discovered the two soldiers posted there were murdered and there was no sign of the two dozen natives that lived on the island. Replacements were left on the island, but they were also killed with the exception of one man who was turned into a raving madman.
Lil and Kinley are given purple dye to stain their bodies and knives “about 14 inches long and all but 2 inches of that was blade.” The Chief says at least one of them will be dead soon. Ladies and gentlemen, Knute Rockne! They review the insane testimony of the survivor. He babbles of purple gods of the sunset, cave of the criss-cross knives, a coal altar, and Trump for President. The name Peretti appears several times — a known mercenary.
Lil and Kinley prepare for the mission by going to Kinley’s place to smear the purple stain all over their bodies. She strips down to her bra and panties so he can grease her up. He helpfully suggests that the bra will leave a white stripe so she removes it with her back to him. “How could she know a man’s man like Kinley had a mirror in the house? How could she know it was directly in front of her?” I don’t know, by opening her eyes? It’s directly in front of her!
Frustratingly, he only got to watch as she “spread more dye, kneading it into the yielding resiliency of her snowy breasts.” He is left to spread the purple dye on himself. Luckily his balls are halfway there already.
Their orders are to “find Piretti, discover for whom he is working, and destroy him.” They fly to the island, strip naked and skydive to a clearing in fabulous purple parachutes. The two naked agents land in the middle of several natives and draw their unwieldy knives. Outnumbered, they follow an old man to the titular cave of the criss-cross knives. At the bottom of the extensive cavern, sitting on an oil can, they find Piretti.
He has Lil and Kinley bound, then selects a lucky participant from the audience. “The nude howling woman was pushed onto the coal altar. Arms and hands were fastened until she was spread-eagled across the pile.” A medicine man comes forward and cuts her in half.
Lil tells a cock-and-bull story (although mostly bull) about how she and Kinley arrived on the island. Piretti reciprocates by telling her that he was hired to break the United States’ hold on this island. Like every James Bond villain, he drones on and on. He researched the island and the natives. He determined his best course was to dye himself purple, strip naked and be their god. Lil reminds him that the natives also expected a goddess in addition to the god. She and Piretti start making out as Kinley is still caged. And frankly, I don’t understand what happens next. After the sex stuff, I mean.
Kinley’s cell door is opened. “He and he alone was called upon to judge the fate of Piretti and Lil who were captives now.” What the hell? How did Kinley go from prisoner to head purple-guy in charge? Nelson Mandela had a longer ascent to power.
Naturally, since Piretti had been making out with Lil, Kinley has the natives strip him even more nakeder and toss him off a cliff. Well, that was their mission, and he did order that woman cut in half . . . but I think banging Lil was what sealed his fate.
These stories really are just snapshots — the good kind with topless babes. There isn’t a lot of room for nuance or character development. Maybe that’s why there seems to be a page missing from this story that explains Kinley’s rise to power. The adherence to formula has worked for me so far — another fun story.
Post-Post:
Tales of Tomorrow – The Crystal Egg (10/12/51)
Intro: “What would you do if you thought someone from another world was watching you?” What do you mean thought?
Frederick Vanneck is chairman of the physics department at Cambridge [1]. We are told that in his own voice coming from a spinning vinyl record; or maybe he is recording the record. Strangely, it is being played by a man whose head is hidden by a lampshade. There is just no reason for this as he just told us who he is. He gives us his curriculum vitae, but fears all his experience and fancy Latin will not protect him from ridicule over what he is about to reveal. If anything happens, he says, “This will be the only record [ha — nice pun!] of the strange events that started that evening in Cave’s shop.”
A man goes to the aforementioned curio shop owned by Mr. Cave to purchase the titular crystal egg in the window. Cave sees that the man is very anxious to buy the egg, so jacks the price up to 5 pounds. The man offers 1 pound and not one ounce more.
Not much of a negotiator, the man compromises at 5 pounds, but doesn’t have it on him. Lucky bastard — I’ve got a twenty spare pounds on me. After he leaves, Cave starts wondering why this unremarkable egg could be so valuable to the man. Rather than call, say, a geologist, lapidarist [2], or art historian Cave naturally calls a physicist to address the question.
Vanneck agrees to meet Cave much to the chagrin of his 28 years-younger girlfriend. Cave arrives with the egg and Vanneck quickly dismisses it as an ordinary crystal. After Cave leaves, however, Vanneck takes the egg into his lab where it begins glowing. Vanneck sees a vision in the crystal and says he is certain that “this landscape is not of this earth.”
Vanneck pulls an all-nighter from 11 pm to 9 am studying the egg. Cave calls at 9 am to check on the progress. He asks if he woke the professor, helping to explain why professors have such limited office hours. Vanneck blows him off and continues his research. He is able to more clearly see the landscape, and concludes by the rock formations and minerals that he is viewing another planet. Based on the position of Saturn in the sky, he determines that he is seeing a Martian landscape. Although Saturn is so large in the sky, it seems more like a view from Titan. [3]
Vanneck’s young girlfriend stops by, but his obsession with the egg leads him to throw her out too. Gazing back at the Martian landscape, Vanneck is shocked to have his view blocked by a one-eye-monster. Well, maybe he should not have been so quick to get rid of the girl.
When Cave comes to retrieve the egg, Vanneck shows him the landscape. He clearly does not want to give up the egg so when Vanneck’s back is turned, Cave grabs the egg and runs off. Vanneck does not pursue the 80 year old running with a heavy crystal egg.
Vanneck is in such hot pursuit of this priceless egg that he does not make it to the curio shop until after 1) Cave has been murdered, 2) it has been in the papers, and 3) the papers have been delivered. Cave’s wife says he was killed in an alley by thieves. Vanneck realizes he can tell no one of his findings without the egg as proof. He nevertheless tells his story, and is ridiculed by his colleagues.
Thinking he will gain credibility, Vanneck goes to see his publisher friend Walker. Walker greets him, “Vanneck, Vanneck, Vanneck!” Vanneck cheerfully replies, “Is there more than one of me?” Walker says, “Well, look at you — you’re fat enough to be triplets.” Vanneck tries to convince his “friend” to publish his paper. He has concluded that the Martian is watching us night and day.
Back to the record. Vanneck expects to be killed like Cave and implores others to take this as proof and to find the egg. There are gunshots and a hand breaks the record. The lampshade is a clumsy device but now makes sense if you think about it — but damn them for making me think.
Nothing really to recommend here. Blah episode based on a blah H.G. Wells story, cardboard sets, incredibly grating performance by Mrs. Cave. Egg is a pretty fair rating for this one.
Post-Post:
- [1] What the hell? I expect an English setting occasionally on AHP, but there is just no reason to have this episode set anywhere but the USA. This aired just 6 years after the A-bomb was dropped — I think we had enough physicists to handle a crystal egg.
- [2] C’mon, lapidarist is not in spellcheck?
- [3] Saturn would be 10 times the size of our moon if viewed from Titan. In the excellent The Sirens of Titan, there actually is a one-eyed alien living there.
- Was Mr. Cave’s name a reference to Plato’s Cave? I’ll save you time — no.
- Available on YouTube, but why would ya?
The House of Weird Sleep – Charles R. Allen
Five wealthy young women have disappeared in Panama City (the one in Panama) and the police are stumped. Sitting in a bar, reporter Ken Newman and cop-wannabe Nick Carson notice Doris Chamberlain, niece of banker Henry Carmody being led out by a man with a scar. Sensing trouble, and more importantly a reward, they follow the couple to a dark house.
Seeing no one inside, the two men break into the dark house. Creeping upstairs, they find “the white body of a beautiful girl . . . Her bare jutting breasts rose and fell symmetrically in apparent sleep.” It is not Doris and they don’t know if this girl’s uncle is also rich, so they check the room next door. There they find another girl, clad only in silk pajama bottoms. Both girls had been drugged.
As Nick vows to get the rats behind this, the scar-face man appears. His henchmen conk Ken on the head and take Nick to the cellar for questioning. He is strung up with his hands tied above his head. A henchman produces a rawhide whip tipped with steel prongs. In a scene that would have been cut from 24 as too unrealistic [1], Nick is able to swing his legs back and belly-kick his tormentor. Then the ropes are rotten enough that he can break free.
Armed with the cat-o-nine-nails, Nick climbs the stairs to find Scar-face. He dodges bullets and dispatches a couple more bad guys. Through blind luck, he discovers Doris Chamberlain. She says they took her clothes away — even though she is the most overdressed women they’ve seen that night — and plan to ship her to South America as a sex slave.
They hear footsteps and Nick actually says, “If they find me here, it’s curtains.” The men arrive and Scar-face points a gun at Nick’s head. He manages to distract Scar-face by throwing a pillow at him. He then grabs his gun and caps off two henchmen. Scar-face gets off lucky with a gun butt to the noggin.
As they are looking for Ken, they see Henry Carmody who is more of an “Uncle Roy” [2] than an uncle to Doris. In fact, he had tried to force his way into Doris’ bedroom and had ordered her brought here. Luckily Ken jumps Scar-face from behind and saves the day.
Ken tells Nick that he is sure to be hired by the police after breaking up this gang. Maybe his first case can be to investigate why there seems to be no Panamanians in Panama City.
Post-Post:
- [1] It is no wonder L.A. is in a permanent drought. Every warehouse, storeroom and basement where Jack Bauer is cuffed to a water pipe, the pipes are leaky and falling apart so badly he can pull them apart with his bare hands and escape.
- [2] A character from the early days of SNL so offensive that he has apparently been scrubbed from YouTube.
- First published in January 1935.
- Also that month: Elvis Presley is born.
- The 2nd consecutive story to feature an article of clothing called a step-in.