Night Visions – Patterns (09/24/02)

nvpatterns03Psychiatrist Dr. Critchley (Miguel Ferrer) arrives at his office to find a police officer waiting with a prisoner.  He tells the prisoner Martin (Malcolm McDowell) he is being held for observation to see if he is a danger to himself or anyone else. Martin smirks and says his being there is a danger to everyone.

Martin was busted for harassing a man that he claimed was sitting on the wrong bench in the park.  Again, he says that posed a risk to everyone.  Critchley asks him about the obsessive folding and unfolding he is doing with a piece of paper, kind of an OCD [1] ritual.

Martin tells a story from his childhood.  If a bird flew on to a telegraph wire and stayed there for more than 10 seconds, nothing bad would happen to his family — other than living in the last neighborhood in America to have telegraph wires.  He did this every day.  He also flipped light switches on and off, spaced books on his shelves perfectly, avoided sidewalk cracks, any kind of ritual to keep his family and the world safe.

The story is utterly predictable as it moves from point A to point A- in a perfectly straight line.  And yet, surprisingly, it has little padding.  Somehow, this simple episode accomplishes what I could not in elementary school — it uses its time wisely.[2]

nvpatterns04Of course Martin’s OCD tics are going to be the glue that keeps the world together.  Of course Critchley is going to be skeptical.  Of course Martin is going to be found to be telling the truth.  And of course Critchley will inherit the burden that he was skeptical of.

However, without watching the episode again — which ain’t gonna happen — I can’t remember a single place it went wrong.

A big chunk of the second half is just Critchley walking round seeing the fabric of society, the laws of physics, and just plain common sense break down.  Some of it is pretty dark — his chirpy nurse becomes crabby and eventually hangs herself.

In the opening scene Critchley walks past a woman sitting in her car seat sideways, with her feet on the ground.  It is completely panned by without comment.  Kudos to the show for having the same woman in the same position later hitting herself in the head repeatedly with a shoe.  Just fun stuff!

The men are not immune.  The security guard is naked and another doctor is urinating in the hallway.

nvpatterns22Some of the effects are just goofy fun.  Signs are spelled backwards, fish fall from the sky.  Firemen show up with flamethrowers instead of waterhoses.  This lacks the added dimension to make it a Fahrenheit 451 homage, but it is pretty amusing that they are streaming fire at a Ford Pinto.  They could have waited 20 minutes and it probably would have gone up by itself.[3]

The episode is aided by the presence of McDowell and Ferrer who are always great.  And by some clever ideas and fun visuals.  Simple, but it gets to its destination without blowing up.  Unlike a Pinto.

Post-Post:

  • [1] Origami Compulsive Disorder.
  • Alternatively, Orange Clockwork Disorder in honor of McDowell.
  • [2] This still bugs me.  What the hell was I not doing?  I even took my own books to class to read during down-time.  OK, maybe it was Mad Magazine, but still.
  • [3] A comic version of the Pinto clip.

The Black 13 – Ellery Watson Calder (1935)

sascoverAfter the last couple of racially-charged stories, I was relieved to see the title referred to a roulette wheel.

Steve King plunks down his last $5 on the titular black 13.  In a million-to-one [1] shot, his number actually hits and the croupier pushes $175 his way.  Another gambler reaches for it and says, “I beg your pardon.  That was my bet.” Fortun-ately she is “a young girl.  And damned attractive” or she would have ended up like Jake Jennings.

Inexplicably, he lets the girl have the loot and strolls out of the casino.  He hears someone come up behind him.  “It was the raven-haired wren who’d cabbaged my thirty-five blue chips.”

She knows King and his tragic story.  He was a pilot who crashed a plane in the desert, killing 3 passengers.  Though he was found to be drunk, she knows that he was set up. After the crash, someone poured gin down his throat while he was unconscious.  If he goes back to the US, the FCC will put him in jail (the FAA being 23 years in the future).  She also knows that his plane was sabotaged.

The girl hands him $175 which is precisely opposite to the transaction that I am used to with women.  She was just trying to get his attention with the cash grab.  She tells King to come to her room at 11 pm.

“She had discarded her evening gown.  She was clad in a diaphanous, flowing negligee. Black crepe it was, and her white body showed through it like a Turk’s dream of paradise.”  She immediately tells him to hide in the closet.  “What kind of shenanigan is this?” he asks.  Who says these stories aren’t educational?  I didn’t even know it was possible to have a single shenanigan.

Another man is coming to her room in 10 minutes.  Her plan is for King to conk him on the head.  They will then haul his body to an airplane which they will take back to El Norte.  King says he’s in enough trouble already and declines.  The girl starts coming on to him.  Looking a gift-ho in the mouth, he wants to know if she thinks he’s cute, or just needs his help.  His solution: “I ripped the negligee all the way open and fondled her breasts.”

She actually just needed his help, so throws him out . . . thus no longer having his help. King is a good egg, though, and circles around behind the building.  Knowing the girl is in trouble, he climbs the fire escape to her window hoping to witness her visitor; and maybe her boobs again.

The man comes in and grabs the girl.  She does not toss him out as she did King.  After producing some secret plans he asked for, she has a secret plan of her own.  She attempts to slip a Mickey into his drink, but he catches her.  As he begins roughing her up, King smashes through the window.  He conks the man on the head, so the original plan is back on track.

As she races to get dressed, King gets glimpse of her “white melons”.  They had been mere “hillocks” 2 pages ago.

On the way to the airport, the girl says there was a government agent on the plane King had crashed.  An organization of international spies coincidentally called Black 13 sabotaged the plane.  After the crash, they swooped in, lifted the secret plans off the agent’s dead body, poured gin down King’s gin-hole [2], and stole 500 packs of peanuts. She finally reveals her name — Yolande Carteret — and says the agent was her brother Ted Carteret!  King collates these facts . . . roulette, black 13, Black 13, government agent, secret plan, sabotage . . . and concludes Yolande Carteret is not married — ha cha cha!

Black 13 intercepts them at the airport and plans to drop them over the desert from 5,000 feet.  There is a double-cross, a fake double-cross, gun fire, a barf-bag, and the other shenanigan.  King is able to save the day.  The spy ring is smashed, his name is cleared, and he gets the girl.  He celebrates by pawing the “creamy white, velvety surface of her swelling  white breasts” like a TSA Agent right there on the tarmac.

Another pretty good outing for what it is.

Post-Post:

  • [1] And, by “million”, I mean thirty-seven.  Odds are 36-to-1 on a French wheel. This story takes place in Mexico, though, so I’m going with the American version. Why is ours 37-to-1?  Donald Trump is right — we get screwed on every deal!
  • [2] i.e. alco-hole.
  • First published in August 1935.
  • Also that month in plane crash news:  Will Rogers dies.
  • Ellery Watson Calder was previously heard from with The Tattooed Blonde.
  • Heh, hehe . . . cabbaged.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Mrs. Herman and Mrs. Fenimore (12/28/58)

ahpmrs03

Her master’s vice.

Mrs. Herman runs a boarding house which, like the United States, has only one boarder — her crotchety Uncle Bill.  Money is tight as he apparently doesn’t cut her in on the revenue from his still on the hill.[1]   He also has an unspecified fortune which Mrs. H thinks he should contribute to expenses. Maybe part of the problem is that her two favorite hobbies are playing the Victrola at concert hall pitch and knocking back the hooch which she conveniently stows in the Victrola cabinet.

Mrs. Fenimore comes in response to Mrs. Herman’s ad in the paper.  The rent is $10 per week, which I can tell you won’t even get you an hour these days.  Mrs. F says she is an actress with a travelling show but has decided to take a rest.  Mrs. H takes her upstairs to see the accommodations.

Mrs. F takes the room.  One day as the gals are sharing a drink, Mrs. Herman says that Uncle Bill is an old man who has outlived his usefulness.  “What has he to look forward to except the lingering agony of a helpless old age?” asks the lonely old spinster running out of money and hitting the bottle.  She has been waiting for the right boarder to come along.  Mrs. H offers Mrs. F $2,500 [2] to help kill Bill so she can inherit his loot and maybe get some nice Bose speakers.

ahpmrs17Their scheme begins with Mrs. F becoming much more friendly with Bill.  As they are playing a game of crokinole, Bill is actually smiling for the first time in the episode, and maybe ever.  She begins reading to Bill in a soothing voice similar to his late wife’s.  The first selection is The Lay of the Last Minstrel [3] by Sir Walter Scott.  If he weren’t eighty years old, I would think Bill was more interested in being the last lay of this minstrel.  Or maybe he is — i just don’t want to consider it.

Bill is still a nasty beast to his niece.  He is irritated by her presence and stomps off to bed.  Mrs. F thinks the plan is a failure, but Mrs. F predicts Bill will ask her to read to him in his room the next night.  When he falls asleep, she is to leave, and Mrs. H will make the arrangements.  The next afternoon, though, Mrs. H is a little concerned to see Bill and Mrs F dancing.  He is still a cranky old shit, but does seem to be excited about going to a matinee, dinner and dancing with Mrs. F.

Bill’s character is baffling.  Clearly he is just an asshole.  You would have thought his orneriness was due to depression or loneliness.  Going out with Mrs. F barely raises a smile out of him even though he eagerly goes through the motions.  He just can’t help complaining constantly, though.  I think the actor’s sneering face has always been his paycheck, so he’s going to use it.  Mrs. F is a master at manipulating him; more so than the director.

ahpmrs13That night, Bill falls asleep to Mrs. F’s soothing voice.  Mrs. H executes her plan . . . and Bill.  She turns on Bill’s gas hot-plate and leaves him to die.

The next morning, Mrs. F drops the bombshell that she and Bill were secretly married. She will be inheriting his fortune and giving Mrs. H just $2,500.  This is one of those endings that is satisfying until you think about it.  The best AHP endings have justice being served.  Here, however, who are we to root for?  It is nice to see the scheming Mrs. H get swindled out of the loot she coveted.  On the other hand, Mrs. F carried out the scheme and is just as guilty of the murder.

Alfred Hitchcock famously said “Television has brought murder back into the home — where it belongs.”  Lately, it has brought murder back to the old folks home.  After the previous AHP and Passage on the Lady Anne, I’m ready for a nice episode set in a college; maybe a women’s college.

ahpmrs27Post-Post:

  • [1] I could have sworn it was “My Uncle Bill”, but it seems to be “My Brother Bill” in all the versions I can find.  It’s just too catchy to delete, though.
  • [2] $21-Large in 2016 dollars.
  • [3] You can connect the poem to the episode via the aging minstrel / actress, story-telling and feuding clans / relatives.  It’s a bit of a stretch, though.
  • AHP Deathwatch:  No survivors.  Really, how could there be?  I think the Victrola outlasted this bunch.
  • AHP Proximity Alert:  Wesley Lau was just in the previous episode, for crying out loud.  Give someone else a chance!
  • For a much more in-depth look at the story and production, check out bare*bones e-zine.

 

Red Bamboo – Jason Lyttell (1935)

sascoverAt the head of the safari rode a lone white man and a girl.

The man is checking out her “undulating breasts” with “an insane desire to crush one firm globule in his hairy hand.”   The men in this collection have the hairiest mitts since 3rd-from-the-right-guy on the evolution chart.  They also seem to share another trait:

  • Shanghai Jester:  Her boyish body was clad in a negligee that had fallen open at the throat.
  • Cave of the Criss-Cross Knives:  A pair of sheer silk step-ins only partially covered her boyish hips.
  • Red Bamboo: He licked his lips as his eyes strayed down her body . . . down her slim waist to her lithe boyish thighs.

Sally’s fiancee John Evans financed this safari and is bringing up the rear.  Leaving the sweaty, glistening, scantily-clad Sally with the manly-man guide Masterson on the lead camel might not have been the wisest choice.

Masterson stops the caravan for the night.  When one of the crew [1] begins pitching a tent (heh, heh), Masterson kicks him for positioning it above some bamboo shoots.  “The damn things will grow right through a man’s bedding during the night!”

Masterson gets a nice show from Sally as she strips for bed, silhouetted against the side of her tent (like in Austin Powers but with less fisting (or Seinfeld)).  After getting pretty worked up, he creeps over to her tent.  It seems likely he would have raped her if Evans didn’t save the day.

The men fight, but stop upon hearing “a weird, pulsating wail.”  Evans recognizes it as the cry of frightningly-named Torzo the Wicked One from the not-at-all frightningly-named Valley of Little Pale Women.  Evans is concerned for Sally’s safety, but Masterson refuses to turn back.

In a temple in the jungle, Masterson finds a jewel.  As he is stealing it, something strikes his hand — he is surrounded by little white women who only come up to his waist.  “They were entirely naked except for hair like spun gold . . . His eyes fastened themselves on the tiny curves of their perfectly formed breasts . . . heavy gold bracelets encircled their tiny ankles.”  They swarm him and he begins tearing them apart, breaking bones, squashing them.  Somehow, they manage to paralyze him, and he lets out “the long agonized wail of a soul in hell.

Sally, Evans, and their associates [1] hear the scream and decide maybe it is time to turn head back to civilization.  As Masterson is writhing in agony on the ground, he sees the body of another man with a bloody bamboo shoot sticking through his abdomen.  I think we are to believe that they are going to kill Masterson by paralyzing him and letting a bamboo shoot grow through his body.  If this is indeed the ludicrous plan, all I can say is BRAVO!  That is truly original.

Masterson let out another “soul-rendering scream“.  One of Evans’ entourage [1] says, “Better we pack.  Big white man not come back.”

The story is nothing special, but kudos for imagery of a tribe of tiny naked blondes — and I can’t stress this enough: tiny adult women, not children! — swarming Masterson. And for an utterly original method of torture and execution which is actually fore-shadowed.  Well done!

Post-Post:

  • [1] Slaves
  • First published in June 1935.
  • Also that month: Joe Louis whoops Primo Carnera.

Also seen this day: After being delayed more times than a Delta flight through Atlanta, Flight 7500 was finally released this year.  It is not bad as much as it is a missed opportunity.  The pieces are all here: mostly good cast, unoriginal yet always fun plot, claustrophobic airplane setting — it’s just very blah.  Not even the very cute stewardesses can save it (and might be the most unbelievable element of the movie).

Twilight Zone S4 – Passage on the Lady Anne (05/09/63)

tzladyanne1Coming off a mediocre Tales of Tomorrow and an unwatchable Fear Itself . . . if it turns out the other passengers on the Lady Anne are just dead, I’ll scream.

Alan and Eileen Ransome go to a Travel Agency to book a trip to London.  They hoped travel by ship, but the Agent says they are all booked.  Well, all the reputable ones are.  Reputable, I fear, meaning ones where all the other passengers are not dead.

Eileen asks about the Lady Anne.  It is the slowest boat on the water, but leaves in less than a week.  Despite Alan and the Agent’s resistance, she insists on purchasing two tickets.

Alan and Eileen arrive at the dock and meet an elderly couple — Toby and Millie — that are pretty close to validating my fear.  Toby can’t believe this young couple actually has tickets and makes them prove it.  Seeing them, he still insists this is a mistake, that this is a private excursion.

tzladyanne3Eileen is thrilled with their large ornate cabin.  Alan is not far off the mark when he proclaims it “maybe the most ridiculous room in the world.”  Of course, he never got to see the gilded New York Casa de Trump.

They go up on deck. Toby and another elderly man ask them again if some mistake has been made.  They try to scare the Ransomes into leaving by telling them what an old dilapidated ship this is.  Then they try to bribe them by offering $10,000.  Ransome must be doing pretty well as he refuses.  In fact, it is his pre-occupation with work that led Eileen to insist on this trip.

The next morning, Eileen is up at the crack of eleven.  They go up on deck for the mandatory Fire Drill training.  They are stunned to see that all the other passengers are old enough to literally remember the Maine, which might explain their enthusiasm for the fire drill.  Alan later finds that they are the only ones on the ship under 75.

tzladyanne2At the bar, they order a couple of martinis.  Eileen tells Alan she wants a divorce. Because, what better time than the first day of an expensive cruise where they will be stuck on a fully-booked ship and share a single room for a week.

They have dinner with Toby and Millie.  Toby gives them the good news that they will be allowed to stay on the ship.  Millie explains that he means they won’t have to die. Hmmmmm.

To make an interminable story short, when Alan thinks he has lost Eileen, he realizes how much he has neglected her.  They learn that the oldsters had fallen in love on the ship eons ago and want to finish their lives together on it.  How they intended to do this is not clear.  Were they going to poison themselves?  Were they going to sink the ship?  Run it aground into a waterfront Farmer’s Market?  Serling only tells us they sailed into the titular Twilight Zone.  The super-annuated passengers are basically sailing to Valinor. [1]

Not what I feared, but not really what I wanted either.  Your nautical mileage may vary.

Post-Post:

  • It would just be churlish to question who was crewing this ship.  Were there a bunch of 75 year old men shoveling coal down below?
  • Wilfred Hyde-White (Toby) was always great playing bumbling old Englishmen — actually the same bumbling old Englishman. He didn’t have much range, but was a great character.  And always old.  So old.
  • [1] Kind of a non-sequitur, but I love it: