Ray Bradbury Theater – Let’s Play Poison (S5E7)

bradbury02A pretty slight episode from a pretty slight 5-page short story.

Moe Mr. Howard (Richard Benjamin) is watching his pupils playing in the schoolyard below his classroom window.  He turns to see a new student has entered his class. Young Michael McDonald, dressed in suit and tie, is at the board presumptuously correcting some math problems by the other students.  Howard likes the cut of his jib and says he thinks they will get along.

On his way to school the next morning, Howard sees Michael on the sidewalk. He explains his lack of books by saying that he did his homework yesterday at recess. Howard tells him that is a sure way to make the other kids hate him.  And they do, having broken all the pencils in his little red tartan plaid pencil bag.  First of all, I am anti-bully, but toting around a little purse of pencils is just asking for trouble; why didn’t he just wear a slutty skirt, too?  Secondly, why is he bringing the broken pencils back to school with him, anyway?

Howard tells him he can’t interfere because it will just make matters worse.  He advises Michael to not be so perfect, muss up his hair, not get all the answers right, maybe not wear a tie to school.

The bullying continues, sometimes in scenes I can’t even figure out.  One morning when he enters the classroom, the entire class says, “Good morning, Mr Howard,” and howls with laughter, pointing at Michael.  All the boys are wearing ties which I see as more a joke on them than on Michael.

rbtplaypoison08One day, after writing some questions on the chalkboard, Howard turns to see all the students with their books up like they’re reading.  One punk says, “We all want to get A’s too” and glances at Michael.  These are the most ineffectual bullies in history.

One day as Michael leaves school, Howard hears the punks taunting him.  They take off running after him.  Despite stopping at the street, he again takes off running and is hit by a car in a stunningly misguided bit of up-close product placement by Oldsmobile.

I fault the bullies, but he really should have looked both ways.  In the short story, on the other hand, he didn’t have much of a chance as the kids threw him out a 3rd floor window.

Mr. Howard retires from teaching until seven years later he is approached to fill in as a substitute.  He comes in like Sgt. Hartman from Full Metal Jacket telling the kids what ignorant monsters they are.  He tells them they are not human.  They “are invaders from another dimension and it is my task to reform your uncivilized little minds.”  Sadly he left out the part about tearing off their heads and shitting down their necks, but he made his point.

rbtplaypoison11He continues “that children are as far removed from adults as monkeys are from men.  It is my duty to forge that link.  And that link is, of course, made of iron.  It is called discipline.” How can you not like this guy’s jib?

Well, the kids find a way — they hate him.  He is lured by another tie-sporting student on the sidewalk, Charles Jones.  When they get to the school, his class is standing outside laughing and waving at him like chimps.  I don’t get it.

They begin taunting him at home, throwing rocks, knocking on his door and running away, making prank calls, etc.  He is knocking back a fair amount of alcohol.  When he finally chases them outside, he falls into an excavation which was being jack-hammered the day before. He looks up and sees the kids standing around the hole with shovels.

The principal comes around in a few days to see why he disappeared.  One of the kids warns him not to step in the wet cement outside Howard’s house.

rbtplaypoison10There was some good stuff here, Richard Benjamin’s performance being the stand-out.  Even some of the kids were great in quieter moments.  The louder they were, the less threatening they became.  The last punk at the end with the little girl who left a flower on Howard’s RIP carved in the cement could easily grow up to be one of the psychopaths in Funny Games.

Post-Post:

  • First published in Weird Tales, 1946.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Sylvia (S3E16)

First of all, let’s acknowledge the obvious — Ann Todd is playing John McIntire’s daughter despite being only two years younger than him. Didn’t the producers realize that by Hollywood rules, if the woman is about the same age, she must play the mother of the man?  It must be said, however, that she has aged much more gracefully than him.

John Leeds walks into his daughter Sylvia’s bedroom to find her fumbling with a gun.  He is concerned for her safety, that’s why he never had one in the house. Sylvia says she wanted it for protection while her father is out of town.  He is more concerned with her hurting herself.

About to depart on a business assignment in Europe — as we all do — he is concerned about leaving Sylvia alone.  His suspicions are further aroused when his housekeeper tells him that Sylvia has given three weeks of vacation to the servants — as we all do.  He goes to Sylvia’s psychiatrist to see if he thinks she might be contemplating suicide — as we all — wait, what?

ahpsylvia06The doctor can’t tell him anything more confidential than his billing rate, but suggests that Leeds repeat the circumstances that led here, cleverly forcing us back into dreaded flashback mode.

Leeds and daughter Sylvia were on a cruise.  Standing at the rail, talking about her disinterest in meeting people her own age — other than her father — they were approached by Peter Kent, who asks Sylvia to dance.  Two months later, they were married. Leeds is disgusted that Peter is living off of Syvia’s allowance. The final straw comes when Peter forges a check from Leeds.

Peter is a pretty cool customer, not expecting Leeds to call the police on his daughter’s husband, then sitting calmly as he calls the District Attorney to set up a meeting.  Seeing that Leeds is serious, Peter offers to divorce Sylvia if Leeds will destroy the bogus check. Leeds agrees on the condition that Peter also “never see Sylvia again.”

Naturally as soon as Sylvia’s father is scheduled to get on a plane to Europe, she wants Peter to come back.  Leeds abruptly cancels his trip, and coincidentally, Peter comes to visit his office.  He tells Leeds that Sylvia called and begged him to come back — right after Leeds leaves the country.

ahpsylvia07Leeds correctly points out that they had a divorce.  Peter points out that there was no agreement for after the divorce; also that he had his fingers crossed.  Actually, he had agree to never see Sylvia, so this whole visit is a sham.  Peter agrees to go away again for the mere sum of $25,000 ($206,000 in 2015 dollars).  Leeds must be loaded in every sense of the word, as he agrees.

That night after dinner, for which Sylvia insists she and her father “dress”, she begins chattering about items she would like her father to buy for her in Europe.  He asks her of her plans while he’s gone, but she says nothing.  Leeds tells her that Peter won’t be coming.

ahpsylvia08Sylvia said she wanted to give Peter another chance.  And that she gave the servants their vacation so they could be alone.

That night, Leeds goes to her bedroom where she brushes her hair.  He says he just doesn’t like having a gun in the house, and asks for it.  She wonders why she was never allowed to have anything of her own — even a husband.  Correct answer:  Well, maybe because you’re an immature, naive, trust-fund parasite who has never accomplished anything, Chelsea Sylvia!

Or maybe she’s got a point — Leeds never hesitates to barge into his grown daughter’s bedroom in his house without knocking.  She could be naked, or even worse, nude.

So she shoots her father and says over and over, Oh Daddy, Why couldn’t you let me go?  Sadly, this girl was clearly unbalanced, not the usual scheming or over-their-head murderer we expect from AHP.

A strangely pedestrian story for Ira Levin, who wrote Rosemary’s Baby, The Stepford Wives and The Boys from Brazil.

Post-Post:

  • AHP Deathwatch:  No survivors.
  • AHP Proximity Alert:  Raymond Bailey was in Miss Paisley’s Cat just four episodes ago.  C’mon, give someone else a chance.

Night Gallery – Fright Night (S3E3)

Tom & Leona Ogilvy pull up to the house left to him by his late cousin Zachariah.  More importantly, there is a new Queen of Night Gallery. Sorry, Joanna Pettet, Barbara Anderson as Leona is unbelievably hot.  There is nothing that could make this a less than average episode as long as she is in it.

The crabby housekeeper Miss Patience starts their tour in the attic.  Tom becomes interested in a large chest, but Miss Patience tells him Zachariah’s last words were that the chest was “not to be moved, and under no circumstances is it to be opened.”  Also, that someone would be coming for it.

ngfrightnight18Tom redecorates the attic to be his writing workspace since Starbucks had not yet been invented.  One day as he is working, the light dims and the chest begins moving and levitating.  Normally a bouncy and gravity-defying chest is a good thing, not so much here.

That night, it possesses Tom so that he is summoned from bed to the attic without him recalling it.  During a storm, it also types a message on his typewriter.  The next morning, Tom finds the message.  He calls Leona up to read it.

For it must come to pass that a young woman shall with a white liquid scalding hot pressed to her lips and thence forced down her throat on a Sabbath day night be executed by the young man, her everlasting soul in forfeit.

ngfrightnight23He accuses Leona of writing it, but finally decides some kids broke in and typed it as a prank.  He tells Leona, “Get ye to the scullery.”  She sees the chest rocking, but doesn’t think it worth mentioning.

The next day, Leona has the chest hauled away to a warehouse.  Not having the chest there is as disturbing to Tom as actually having it there.  He has trouble concentrating on his book, pacing around the creaking attic.  Suddenly, the chest is back in its place.  He hears Leona screaming downstairs and she claims something attacked her.

So this time, they put the chest in a storage shed and nail the door shut.  They begin cruelly sniping at each other.  He berates her for not even being able to keep food in the house, and she berates his writing.  He grabs a pan of boiling milk from the stove and moves to force it down her throat.  I guess that was the prophesied “white liquid pressed to her lips” which is bit of a let-down, I must say.

ngfrightnight27Fortunately, the trance is broken and Tom spills the milk on the floor.  Hearing a knocking, he rushes to the attic and finds the chest back in its usual place.

Downstairs, Leona answers a knock at the door expecting trick-or-treaters.  Instead it is  ghoulish figure who says he has come for the chest.  It is cousin Zachariah who shows himself to the attic.  I could post a picture, but there are none with Barbara Anderson also in it, so why bother.

The next morning, Tom realizes that the message on the typewriter was a warning from Zachariah.  He says that finally rid of the chest, he can get back to work and they will live happily ever after.  Naturally, he goes back upstairs and the chest is there again with a note that says “It will be called for.”  i.e. Zach will be back in one year on Halloween.  They get back in the car and leave behind the house with a sign posted that it is for Sale or Rent.

Sadly my assertion that this could sink no lower than average due to the presence of Miss Anderson was put to the test.  There are so many unanswered questions, but they are not interesting enough to demand answers.  There just isn’t much going on here.  Except this:

ngfrightnight08aaaPost-Post:

  • Twilight Zone Legacy:  Alan Napier was in Passage on the Lady Anne.
  • The interiors are the same house used repeatedly since the pilot episode The Cemetery.
  • Tom’s cousin was 23 years older than him?  Possible, but why was he not just made to be an uncle?
  • At least Colin Farrell wasn’t in it.

Preservation (2014)

preservation02Two brothers are driving a pickup truck out to the woods.  The camera shows us a rifles, jumper cables and flares (a huge disappointment since I thought they were dynamite until they finally came into play).  They sing The Bear Went Over the Mountain.  I’m already questioning if these guys are just brothers.  Maybe the jumper cables were nipple clamps.  I don’t even want to speculate on the flares.

What the hell, there’s a girl in the backseat.  She is married to one of the men, Mike (Ken Cosgrove from Mad Men), who is inexplicably wearing a tie to go camping.  They stop at a convenience store, and while his brother Sean and wife Wit are buying supplies, he just can’t get off the phone to work.  One of the supplies is a pregnancy test. Really, she didn’t of that before they left?

The park is closed, but they go in anyway.  Mike reveals to Wit that his brother was discharged from the army for reasons unknown.  This is the standard “Veteran = PTSD psychopath” Hollywood shorthand so he will be suspect #1 in case of any shenanigans.

preservation03When Mike and Wit wake up the next morning, they are still in their sleeping bags, but the tent, all their supplies and Sean are gone.  Also, they have X’s on their foreheads. The crazy vet Sean is the immediate suspect.  His creepy ability to move stealthily, showcased earlier, further implicates him in this unlikely theft.  Then Sean appears with the same X on his forehead.  He has been surveying the area for evidence and assessing the threat level — what a maniac!

He leads the couple halfway back towards the car which he says he can hot-wire, then turns back to rescue his dog.  Mike still suspects Sean is behind this, not some group of “constitutional extremists.”  Yeah, it was prob’ly those crazy Tea Partiers.

preservation04Sean finds one of the people who killed his dog and goes all Rambo on him; if Rambo had been 5 minutes long.  After rifle butting the guy in the head several times, he turns his back on him.  He’s not a crazy vet, but he is a stupid one.

So the rest of the film is set up with beta-male Mike and wife against the bad guys. Unfortunately, Mike is no more Rambo than his brother.  While he lacks Sean’s military training, he follows exactly the same strategy — beat your opponent senseless, then turn your back when he has a weapon within reach.

preservation05So we are down to Wit.  She finally gets a good look at these killers and they are three punk kids on bicycles.  They tracked her with the GPS beacon that Mike had given her, so she tears it off.  She gets back to the truck, but the hooligans have disabled it.  Now she is in Eden Lake mode, which has a lot of potential.

Holy crap, now this is Rambo — she sews up a wound on her head.  She takes the only weapons she has, a tire iron, jumper cables, and flares and sets out in pursuit.  I really wish it had been dynamite.  While she is more badass than the men, she ends up making exactly the same mistake of turning her back on one of them while he has a weapon within reach.

Other than that one recurring bit of stupidity, it is an enjoyable ride in the survival sub-genre.  It is no Eden Lake, but that’s a pretty high bra to reach.  Er, bar — anyone who saw Eden Lake knows what I mean.

preservation06Post-Post:

  • The other bit of stupidity is using a pair of jumper cable as a weapon in a non-electrical fashion.  C’mon, from her position even a medium sized rock would have been better.
  • They make room for one last “message” in the final scene which has a child in a shopping cart pointing a plastic toy gun at her.  But what is it?  Guns are bad?  Boys are bad?  Non-bio-degradable plastic is bad?  They got a threefer on that one.
  • While the two dudes were OK, to be honest, I just wasn’t crazy about Wit.  I did like the character, though.  And the end, after her ordeal, she looks awful.  I don’t mean beaten and black-eyed; I mean she really looks like she’s been through hell.  So kudos for that.