Darius Stephens begins his physical therapy by getting on a treadmill.  He appears to be about 40, but very frail.  The therapist quickly turns the pace up to 6 minute miles and I get winded just watching him.

His son Michael, who is about 50, finds this “disgusting” because his father is actually 79 years old.  He tells his father’s doctor, “An artificial brain has turned him into a robot” although it is clear much of his body is not from the OEM.  Darius’s wife also seems to be about 40, so I guess she was a Trophy Wife before he started this process; but maybe just a Participation Trophy Wife at this point.  She accuses Michael of wanting his father dead so he can take over the family business and inherit the old man’s sweet, sweet Enron stock.

The next day, Darius is back at work ordering people around.  Michael announces that he is enacting the company’s succession plan.  Darius’s lawyer says this is a gray area because Darius is over 60% mechanical and has an electronic brain — technically, he is brain dead.  Sadly, Michael might have a point.  Darius shows signs of diminishing cognitive ability when he frequently repeats himself in conversations.  Darius shows signs of diminishing cognitive ability when he frequently repeats himself in conversations.

Darius’s mental acuity breaks down to the point where he should legitimately be declared dead.  He leaves behind a CD for his wife.  She inserts it in a computer and she somehow is able to have an interactive conversation with Darius and get free AOL for a month.

There is an interesting story here, but they didn’t find it.  That is especially disappointing as this is the last episode of this iteration of The Twilight Zone.  So does Darius come back to vanquish his dickish son?  No.  Does he return as a megalomaniacal monster who will live forever?  No.  Is he doomed to exist only on the CD that he left to his wife, incapable of any physical sensation?  No.  He is just kind of there on a screen and says they will try again.  On second thought, maybe this namby-pamby mess was the right choice to kill off TZ for 13 years.

1980s Twilight Zone Post Mortem:  There were some fine episodes in this run, but overall, the series was hobbled by several recurring choices.

1) Insipid, synth-driven scores.  Sure, it was the the 80’s, but that is no excuse for the frequently god-awful scores of this series.  The original TZ often had to make do with random stock scores from the archives, but they made them work.

2) The dreadful narration.  In the early episodes, Charles Aidman was far too avuncular for the role.  At least he had a certain gravitas, having appeared in 2 episodes of the original series.  His replacement, Robin Ward, offered nothing.  He was a poor hybrid of Serling and Aidman, almost always far chirpier than the story called for.

3) The happy endings.  I love the quote “Life is pain.  Anyone who tells you differently is selling something.”  That should have been the theme of this series.  The universe doesn’t care about your happiness, but if you try to take more than your share, it will crush you.  Instead we got too many episodes where the twist was finding true love or saving the family farm.

Sadly, only a handful of episodes were memorable.  And those were often in spite of the above issues.

Notes:

• As the 2002 TZ series doesn’t not appear to be available on DVD, this slot goes to One Step Beyond.