I

Two men just met in an unsavory waterfront saloon.  Rider Lott pulls out a small case and pinches out a bit.  You’re thinking snuff but no, he places it in a nostril and snorts it right up Broadway.  He offers a hit to his new friend, “Walk in a snow storm, brother?”  Martin Klug says, “It’s dope, isn’t it?”  Lott replies, “Happy dust.”

Lott tries to figure Klug’s particular brand of mayhem by looking him over (i.e. judging a crook by his cover).  He quickly reels off colorful guesses such as “gay-cat, blaster, dip, leather snatcher, flash-thief, peterman, derrick swinger, river rat, rattler grab, and freight car crook” although the cocaine might have caused him to mix a few Pornhub categories in there before getting around to an actual crime.

Klug wisely cops to the last one before Lott starts listing off watersports.  Lott says he himself is an author and inventor.  He wants write a book about his invention — the Perfect Crime.  He is currently workshopping Chapter 1:  Get high and reveal your plan to a complete stranger in a bar.  Lott says, “Crime doctors and criminologists say it is impossible to commit a crime without leaving a clue.”  He basically believes the law of averages requires someone will get away clue-free; might as well be him.

A voluptuous blonde joins them.  Lott introduces her as “Beatrice the Beautiful Brakeman’s Daughter” but doesn’t reveal what makes the brakeman so beautiful.  It is pretty humorous when she says, “My name isn’t Beatrice and I never saw you before.”  Lott questions why such a hot babe is in such a dive.  She lost her job as an upstairs maid 3 weeks ago, so apparently can no longer afford the the glamorous, jet-set life of a domestic servant.

Rich old Mrs. Cabbler had entrapped her by leaving a $10 spot on the dresser.  Not-Beatrice had long dreamed of buying fancy elbow-length white gloves.  She couldn’t resist the $10 ($130 today).  Mrs. Cabbler demanded the cash back and fired her without pay.  Not-Beatrice feels the Bern and says, “Mrs. Cabbler has more money than she knows what to do with.  Money isn’t much use to a person 70 years old.  Young people should have the money!” ^[1] Conveniently, she keeps it in a trunk under the bed.

Lott sees a 70 year old woman literally sleeping on a fortune to be the perfect test of his Perfect Crime theory.  Not-Beatrice still wants to buy fancy gloves, and Martin wants a new pair a shoes . . . these are the least ambitious crooks in history.  Lott would use his cut to publish his perfect crime book which he muses, “Will be of wonderful assistance to young, ambitious crust-floppers, grifters, and heavymen.”  I’m not sure he didn’t lapse in porn-speak again.

They meticulously plan the crime.  Lott says the Perfect Crime should be committed by a single person — yet he plans this heist for two people.  Not-Beatrice, with no experience in crime (other than swiping the $10), must go to lead the other person to the cash.  Her accomplice will be chosen based on his experience, skill-set, and coolness under fire . . . nah, Lott says he and Krug will just draw straws.  Worst criminal mastermind ever!

Lott draws the long straw so will rob Mrs. Crabbler with Not-Beatrice.  Lott instructs them, “Use no violence of any kind.  Take no chances, leave no clues.  Take great pains to cover every step, and don’t be in a hurry.  After you have the money, if you will go back and check over every move you have made in search of suspicious or incriminating clues left behind, and then remove them, you will have accomplished the Perfect Crime.”

II

After the crime, the three meet up at the 10th Avenue apartment of Not-Beatrice’s sister.  Klug assures Lott that they left behind no clues.  Unfortunately, Mrs. Crabbler woke up during the robbery so they had to kill her.  Lott is peeved at this, but his $3,000 cut raises his spirits.  Not-Beatrice is not too choked up over the “old hag” dying.  In addition to her $3,000 cut, she bogarted a fine pair of white gloves from the old woman.

Lott and Klug fight over who will get Not-Beatrice.  Well actually, she chooses Lott and Klug attacks him.  Lott brains him with a whiskey bottle, and kills him.  This must be 2nd Chapter stuff — leave a dead body at the home of the sister of one of the perps.

It finally comes out that when Not-Beatrice stole the nice new gloves, she threw her old gloves away in the old woman’s trash can.  D’oh!  Within seconds, the police traced the laundry marks to this address.

Not much new going on here.  For a story called The Perfect Crime, the actual crime is stunningly mundane.  Still, it is pithy and good-humored.

Other Stuff:

• ^[1] On the other hand.  Although, the shocker here is that Newsweek still exists.
• First published in the July 1920 issue of Black Mask.
• Cocaine was big business until the Jones-Miller Act of 1922.  In what can only be explained by a collapse in the time/space continuum, the two politicians made cocaine illegal rather than 1) taking campaign contributions from Big Pharma to keep it legal, and 2) then taxing it.
• This is the 2nd post entitled The Perfect Crime.  See also, The Utterly Perfect Murder.