Englishman Danny Skeggs is sitting on a park bench and begins chatting up a woman there with her infant. With his English accent he will have her effortlessly charmed and captivated in no time. She will be swept away by his sophistication and mistake his crisp enunciation for a natural wit.

Or would if he weren’t actually in England. So really, he just comes off as a total wanker to this Englishwoman. He says his girlfriend had a baby last year, and picks her baby up out of the stroller. The woman is understandably terrified as this no-accented stranger dangerously holds her baby in the air as he has a flashback.

• 

He remembers when Teresa first walked into his pawnshop, single and pregnant; but more illustrative of her poor life-choices, walking into a pawnshop. She offered up her grandmother’s cameo bracelet. Danny says it is worth 350 pounds, but that he can only afford to give her 75. He becomes very concerned when she begins having pregnant-lady pains near the faux-Persian carpet and passes out.

Not concerned enough to call an ambulance, mind you, but concerned enough to ask this stranger to move in with him . . . somewhere right there in the middle. He says she could stay at least until she has the baby. He says he is single, he owns the pawnshop, and that nobody should be alone at Christmas. Teresa tells him that the baby’s father really hurt her and she is not looking for anyone to replace him. She could use a friend, though — particularly a sap who will feed and shelter her — so she accepts.

Months later, Danny has predictably fallen in love with the pregnant woman. Whether it was the erratic mood swings or her massive swollen breasts is hard to say. He has never been happier despite this not being a sexual relationship. She chuckles over his story of drying a hamster in a microwave oven, but it might have been the wine . . . that the pregnant woman was drinking. Teresa is, however, horrified when he says he loves her.

• 

Cut to some time later as the toddler — who was a massive birthmark on his back — is crying. Danny just wants them to go out to a movie, probably one I will be attending. She tells him to go alone, which also describes their sexual relationship. He complains that “the baby — Mr. Needy — is draining the life out of her.” He complains the baby always needs to be the center of attention as he throws a dish against the wall, tears down some drying clothes, and yells an insult about the baby’s birthmark. She responds with a well-deserved and well-delivered FU.

They make up and the next day take the baby for a stroll in the park. While Danny is getting them some hot dogs, Teresa notices two mimes having a loud argument, presumably over who is the most annoying. As it gets physical, she tries to break it up. They take a bow, quite pleased with themselves, as it was just a performance. Well, wait, they are mimes, after all. Why did their performance include talking? Anyhoo, it was a ruse to enable another mime to steal Teresa’s baby. No wonder people hate mimes.

Danny chases the mime, but the mime gets away despite dragging the stroller backward up stairs, then running with a baby in his arms, getting trapped in an invisible box, and then running against the wind. Waaaait a minute. Danny is laughing. That never happens around mimes. This was a scam on top of a ruse on top of a performance! And still somehow not very interesting.

Danny planned the whole thing in hopes that getting rid of the baby would bring some peace, tranquility, and nudity to their relationship. Instead, he finds that Teresa is distraught. He awkwardly begins cuddling with her and offers to help her make their own baby. She pushes him off the bed and shouts, “Don’t you understand? I don’t want you. I want my baby!”

Which brings us back to the opening scene where Danny is holding the woman’s baby. He says one baby is about like any other. He takes off with the baby hoping it will bring some peace to Teresa. Fortunately, he is caught and beaten bloody by some bloody good citizens. In the tussle, he sees the baby has a huge birthmark on his back.

• 

Honestly, the twist is so weak that it didn’t even register as a twist for me. I just thought, “Hmmm, it’s the same baby.” It lacked any trace of the irony, the revenge, the come-uppance, or the random cosmic cruelty that even the most middling TFTC episode requires. This was just an utter nothing.

You’re probably thinking the same thing that I am – I waited 6 months for this?